Ananke
by Eunike
Summary: A strange set of events sends the 19-year-old Lily into a terrible future where she and most of her friends are dead and the war is still on. Severus can't believe his luck. Can Lily change her fate? S/L
1. Eve of Change

**Rating: **M (contains harsh language and references to violence and sexytime. Not all three at the same time, though, I'm afraid.)

**Pairings: **Mainly Severus/Lily, with some mentions of others (such as Lily/James)

**Main characters:** Lily Evans, Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, James Potter, Petunia Dursley, and a bunch of others.

**Summary: **An accident sends the nineteen-year-old Lily Evans eighteen years into the future, and a coincidence leads her to her former best friend, Severus Snape. Lost in a terrible world she no longer recognizes, Lily is torn between doing what she is supposed to do, and doing what she thinks is right. Can Lily change her fate, or must she succumb to what was meant to be? Meanwhile, Severus can't believe his own luck when he realizes that he's given another chance to save Lily, and to finally tell her how he really feels – but is he brave enough to take that chance?

**Warnings: **AU. Includes time-travel. Tad confusing. Severus is mostly depressed, Lily has an odd sense of humour. Multichaptered and kind of long. Angst! Angst! Glorious angst!

**Disclaimer: **I wrote the story, but I don't own the characters. Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling.

* * *

**Ananke**

-

_by Eunike_

**-**

**December, 1997**

Christmas was coming.

Severus stood in his office and peered outside through the frosty window. The last Thestral-pulled carriage had just left the school grounds and headed towards the Hogwarts Express, which would take the children back home to spend the holidays with their friends and families. The sight made him give a small sigh of relief, although he still felt as though there was an invisible anvil stuck inside his guts.

"Most of them left. I'm guessing that many of them are not coming back," he said, "Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Draco Malfoy, and some other Slytherins are the only ones who stayed here. Crabbe, Goyle, and the Carrows are kindred spirits, so they will not need my protection. I'm not entirely sure about Draco. It appears that he has fallen out of the favour of his friends because Lucius has lost the Dark Lord's trust."

"He is smarter and stronger than he appears, though certainly not as smart and strong as he thinks he is," replied Dumbledore, "I trust that he'll be fine on his own."

Severus glanced over his shoulder at the portrait of the deceased wizard, "Do you still think that I should go as well?"

"Nobody here needs you right now, Severus," said Dumbledore, leaning leisurely on the left side of his picture frame, "The Professors are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, and most of the students are safe with their families. And I can always alert you if something happens. I am the eyes and ears of the walls of Hogwarts."

"I've spent nearly every Christmas at Hogwarts since I turned eleven," replied Snape, staring into the flames of the fireplace, "As intolerable as this place has gotten since the Carrows joined our beloved faculty, I might as well stay here. I have nowhere else to go to."

"You could go home and get some rest. In fact, I think you _should_ indeed get plenty of rest while you still can, because you need to stay strong and focused for the sake of the children. They might not know it, but you are the most important person in their lives right now. You need to be at your best in order to protect them, because I'm afraid that we're yet to see the worst of this."

Severus weighed Dumbledore's words, but neither of his two options tempted him. He _was_ exhausted, but he did not feel right about leaving the school without his supervision, even if it was only for a few days. Then again, he desperately longed for a break from his double-life, which was getting harder and harder to pull off with every passing day.

Since the beginning of his first year as the much-loathed new Headmaster of Hogwarts, Severus had carefully kept his distance to the rest of the faculty - save for the Carrows, whom he kept as close to him as he possibly could, as one is often advised to do with enemies. He rarely left the Headmaster's office, joining the rest of the school only during supper and detentions, which he insisted on supervising so that he could secretly control the cruelty of the Carrow siblings.

Solitude did not bother him. In fact, he rather enjoyed being alone - as much as a man can enjoy himself while being trapped in an impossibly difficult position that would most likely cost him his life in the end. The alternative to loneliness was going outside and meeting the loathing glares of his colleagues. It was not easy to be the most hated man in Hogwarts, but on the other hand, it was nothing new to him, either. Severus had always been hated by someone. Having been tragically familiar with the unkindness and the cruelty of people since childhood, he already knew what it felt like to be despised by all. A lifetime of practice had made Severus perfect in being the object of the contempt of others without making a huge fuss about it.

Sometimes Severus even humoured himself with the thought that perhaps all the misfortune he had been granted in his life had been there for a reason. Perhaps fate had taught him to endure hatred so that one day he would be strong and numb enough to stare back at a world which despised him so without blinking an eye. The future of Hogwarts and everyone within its walls depended on his ability to survive without allies, and it was both Severus's gift and tragedy to be perfectly capable of doing so - carrying an impossibly heavy burden all by himself without the help of anyone.

Severus did not feel the slightest desire to reveal the truth about himself to the rest of the staff of Hogwarts. He knew from many years of personal experience that a vast majority of the professors were either drunkards, mentally unbalanced fools, or mentally unbalanced drunkard fools. The chances that Severus was actually going to successfully carry out his task were already extremely slim, and he was not going to split them in half by telling all about his true intentions to his dim-witted colleagues just to make himself feel less awkward in the dinner table. He did not consider sharing his secret even with the few people in Hogwarts he actually respected, such as the sharp-minded Professor McGonagall, the wise centaur Firenze, or the haughty Professor Sinistra. After all, the only way to gain their trust would have been to tell them all about his neverfading love for Lily. And _that_ was private.

So Severus kept himself to himself, retreated to the solitude of his Ivory Tower of an office, yet constantly observing the school with his raven eyes, having vowed to do everything in his power to protect the students. The children knew too little to be grateful to him, so they hated him with burning passion instead. Their loathing was immaterial to Severus, who at the eve of his death had finally realized that he quite honestly did not care about what the world thought about him. He had wasted his youth and ruined his own life trying to earn the respect of people he didn't even care about, and it wasn't until now that he understood how little his own reputation actually mattered to him.

He had already gotten in terms with his approaching fate, which was becoming clearer and clearer with every miserable day. Whether Harry Potter succeeded at defeating Voldemort or not, Severus knew that he would eventually die in the hands of the winning side. Voldemort would kill him for being a traitor, and Harry would kill him for thinking that he was a traitor. That was the unfortunate side-effect of fighting a war without true allies. However, he was not afraid to die, for there was absolutely nothing left in the world he bothered to live for.

That was, of course, roughly thirty-six hours before _she_ came to him.

**--**

**June, 1979**

"Remember, these are Muggles. _Muggles_. Now, I haven't had the time to show them as much as a card trick, so I would expect them to be a little upset if you decided to demonstrate how great you are at transforming furniture into sex-crazed monkeys. _Don't_ try to show off, unless you desperately crave a nosebleed. I mean it."

"But Evans. How else am I supposed to leave an unforgettable first impression? Everybody loves monkeys!"

Lily narrowed her eyes, raising a threatening finger at him.

"Look, these are the rules: if it isn't eating biscuits, drinking jasmine tea with a polite smirk on your face, laughing at my father's jokes, saying that Petunia looks nice in her new dress even if she really doesn't, or repeating the phrase _'Oh yes, Mr. Evans. Your daughter and I sleep in separate beds and lead a risk-free, chaste life, and neither of us are newly recruited members of a secret crime-fighting organization' _as convincingly as you possibly can, I don't want you to do it!"

"Separate beds? A chaste life? Wouldn't that be _lying_, Miss Evans? Or is your conception of chastity just so much more fun than mine?" replied James with a wide grin, snaking an arm around her waist.

"Har, har, har," said Lily sourly, wriggling her way out of his grasp, unamused, "Remember, if your idea of an 'unforgettable first impression' even borders the definition of a criminal offense, it's out of the question. In fact, it's probably best if you don't do or say anything at all. That would minimize all the usual risks."

"Fine. Can I breathe, though?"

"Only if you really, really have to."

Lily gave a frustrated grunt and patted his head, trying to press down his messy hair, which pointed to South, North, East, and West, and all the directions in between. Then she straightened his tie, and made his shirt tuck itself in with a flick of her wand.

"How do I look? Smashing, dreamy, gorgeous?" asked James, striking a heroic pose and giving a dashing smile.

"Presentable," Lily sighed, sounding like she meant the exact opposite.

She rang the doorbell and groaned, already predicting a moderate catastrophe. The mere idea of having James enjoy his supper with Petunia sounded about as smart as taking a bath with a toaster, but it had to be done sooner or later. She had already postponed the formal introduction of her sort-of-fiancé too many times, since the thought of the loud-mouthed, flamboyantly _wizard_ James trying to leave "an unforgivable first impression" to his could-be father-in-law and the distinctly _Muggle_ Petunia made her shudder.

It was not that she was ashamed of James. He was certainly not the worst thing she could have imagined reeling in front of her family for show-and-tell, but she knew from personal experience that James could come off a little bit off-putting before one got to know the sweet and sincere person hiding behind his rather arrogant and boastful facade. Lily feared - no, she _knew_ that Petunia, who already resented everything magical by definition, and her father, who had been very distant and frail since Lily's mother had passed away a year and a half earlier, would not appreciate James as much as Lily had eventually learned to appreciate him. After all, it had taken Lily herself over five years to get used to him, too.

Looking back at the brief history of their relationship, she still found herself wondering how on earth she had ended up moving in with James Potter, of all the people in the world. Three years ago she had barely tolerated his general existence, let alone even considered ever giving in to his restless attempts to capture her heart. However, something had changed when she had been forced to sit next to him during Potions at the end of their fifth year, becoming regularly exposed to his presence. She did not know how or when it had happened, but suddenly she had began discovering likable qualities about him she had not noticed before, much to her own surprise.

All of a sudden, the witty insults, which had once been their only form of communication, had been replaced by actual conversations and mild flirting. The flirting had lead to a half-serious date, which then had lead to a series of serious ones. Soon kissing entered the picture, first innocent and private, next public and passionate, and then there was hand-holding, and love letters, and resting one's head in the other one's lap on sunny days, long walks around the lake, personal gifts, inside jokes, mutual holiday plans, mutual friends, groping, awkward sex, and finally, on a cold winter night during their seventh year, James had confessed that he loved her, leaving Lily gaping her mouth at him in wonder, unsure what to say in response.

It had all happened so fast that Lily had not quite realized how serious it had become until a little while after James had casually asked her to come and live with him and Sirius in the slightly decaying yet comfortable townhouse James had inherited from his late parents. Now they were all living together under the same roof like a family of three, and Lily and James's everyday lives had become entwined, as though they were already a married couple.

She still did not know what she was doing with James, and where it was all ultimately leading to. Sometimes she imagined what it would be like to marry him, to never part of him, to have his children and raise them with him. She did not know why, but somehow the thought made her feel uneasy and anxious, as though there was something wrong with the picture that she could not put her finger to. She liked him, she liked him a lot, but she was still not sure if she loved him as much as he loved her.

Then again, they were only nineteen. She knew she would still have plenty of time to ponder whether she wanted to share the rest of her life with him or not.

Lily glanced at James, who did not seem the slightest bit nervous. He gave her a goofy smile, squeezing her hand happily. She stared back at him, veiling the secret doubts of her heart with a stiff smile.

"I was serious about the nosebleed, you know," she whispered, seconds before the door opened, "It's your pick. Behave, or suffer."

"Alright then, Evans, since you're asking so nicely," he replied with a roll of his eyes.


	2. Midnight Hour

The dinner was much less awkward than Lily had expected. James had kept his promise and uncharacteristically refrained doing anything that might have either annoyed or upset her father and Petunia, pulling off the role of a perfect gentleman flawlessly. Luckily, Lily's father appeared to be very pleased with him, repeatedly hinting that he was ready to welcome James to his family, had this been their plan. Petunia, on the other hand, used every wiggle of her nose, every frown, and every roll of her eyes to signal Lily that she already disliked James simply because he was a wizard, and because Lily liked him. She had a tendency of belittling and degrading everything Lily held in value. Why Petunia insisted on taking every given opportunity to hurt her feelings, Lily had never understood.

"So, James. What was it that you did for living?" asked Mr. Evans halfway through dessert.

"I already told you before, Dad. He - neither of us are doing anything right now. We both decided to take some time off to think about what we really want to do with out lives," replied Lily on the behalf of James. She purposefully kept her father in the dark about everything related to the war that was raging in the wizarding world, and especially about her and James's part in it as devout members of the Order of the Phoenix. Her father had seemed so... _old_ lately that Lily had started to treat him like fragile glass, fearing that concern and worry would damage his health.

"So. Neither of you are doing anything useful with your lives? Must be terribly _liberating _to lead a life that has no direction. I myself could not do it. I could not bare the idea of being completely _useless_ like that. When I was your age, I was already working as a secretary at Mr. Jarvis's office - and you know how much he appreciates my efforts - but I suppose that's just me. I prefer honest work to idleness."

Lily rolled her eyes. She knew perfectly well that Petunia hated working, and that she planned on quitting once she got married to her fiancé Vernon Dursley, who had recently proposed to her. Petunia was more than willing to leave her job and live off her future husband's income as a lovely little housewife when the opportunity would arrive.

"I have been thinking about becoming a Healer, though", said Lily sharply, glaring at the sour-looking Petunia, "It's sort of a doctor, but for wizards. I'm pretty sure that they would have me, if I tried out. I was always good at Potions and Charms."

"Did you hear that, Tuney?" said Mr. Evans proudly, "Our Lily is going to be a doctor! I always knew that you were heading that way. That's who you are, Lils. Always trying to save people, always fixing things."

"But I'm not sure about whether I really want it, or if I'm fit for it in the first place," Lily said, blushing slightly, "Their standards are very high, so it's not a matter of simply waltzing in and claiming the title."

"Of course you'll make it!" said Mr. Evans enthusiastically, "You always succeed at everything you set out to do, and you always get whatever you want. Isn't that right, Petunia?"

"Precisely," replied Petunia venomously, gritting her teeth and prodding the remains of her tiramisu with her fork, "Everybody adores our perfect, precious wonderful Lily. Perfect, perfect Lily never does a thing wrong, and if she does_, nobody_ minds because everyone loves her. But I'm sure nobody loves Lily more than Lily loves herself."

There was a sound of the china of the plates clashing against the glasses and spoons on the table as Lily sprang up from her chair and banged her fists against the table. She stared murderously at Petunia, and Petunia stared at her plate, acting nonchalant.

"Girls!" shouted Mr. Evans, frowning, "Enough with the bickering! Sit down, Lily, and stop teasing you sister, Petunia."

"That's all right, but I really think that it's time for me and Lily to go," James suddenly cut in, standing up quickly and gesturing the infuriated Lily to do the same.

"Oh?" said Mr. Evans, suddenly looking very sad, "Are you sure you don't want more dessert? There's plenty of it left..."

"Another time, Mr. Evans," said James with a polite smile, dragging Lily towards the door, "Thanks you for the lovely dinner. It was wonderful to meet you."

And then they were outside, flying out of the door before Lily even got to say goodbye to her father. Her face was still glowing red with anger.

"Oh stop it, James! We don't have to leave because of this," said she, sobering slightly, "Petunia is always like that. If I just - "

"No. We _really_ need to go. Right now," said James solemnly, and that was when Lily realized that he looked unusually pale. He opened up his fist to reveal something he had apparently been squeezing on for some time now. It looked like an ordinary replica of a golden snitch, except that it was glowing and throbbing like a human heart. Lily instantly reached her hand inside her purse and pulled out a pearl earring, which was also shimmering. It was a warning sign - or, rather, a call for a battle. All members of the Order of the Phoenix had been given similar magical devices used for communication, charmed to look like worthless everyday items one might carry around for no particular reason. The items would begin to glow whenever the leaders of the Order wanted to summon its members.

"What's going on?" asked Lily.

"Let's go and find out," replied James simply, disapparating.

* * *

"James!"

"Sirius!"

The two men greeted each other with something that looked like a blend of a hug and a handshake. The two of them and Lily were among the first Order members to arrive in front of the Ministry of Magic, but more and more witches and wizards were joining them with every minute.

"What's going on here?" asked James, "Death Eaters?"

"Who else?" replied Sirius with a nod and a wince, "I reckon they're trying to take over the Ministry, the sodding idiots, or maybe they just want to cause mayhem. Either way, it looks like we're heading for a battle."

"Fasten your seatbelts, then, gentlemen," said Lily, pulling out her wand.

James stopped still in his tracks.

"You're not seriously thinking about coming with us, are you?" asked he, "I don't think you're fit to -"

"Why not?" argued Lily hotly, "I can take care of myself, and I'm just as strong as anyone else here."

That wasn't exactly true. Most members of the Order of the Phoenix were either Aurors, or just skilled fighters. Lily was neither; while she was talented and powerful for her age, she had virtually no experience of duelling with enemies. Up until now, her involvement in the Order had been mostly about practising defence against the Dark Arts, taking part in meetings, and tracking down Voldemort's movements. This was the first time she had been called for a real battle, with real enemies and real risks, but Lily had far too little experience of war to seriously fear for her life. Like most young people, she naively believed in her own invulnerability, having still not quite realized how easily people died.

"Do you honestly think I'd rather sit around here and do nothing?" she continued passionately, "I joined the Order because I wanted to help, and I'm not going to stand back now."

She stared sharply at James, not blinking her jade eyes until he gave in to her will.

"Fine, then," he muttered, kicking the ground in frustration, "Just don't come shouting at me if you get killed."

It had started to rain. The street in front of the Ministry was now swarming with the dozens of witches and wizards who had answered to the Order's call. They walked around in a disorganized, restless mass, following nobody's orders until Alastor Moody finally showed up. He did not have to ask for anyone's attention when he began to speak, for they were all already staring at him, alert and ready.

"Alright, the lot of you," roared Moody, "We're going in. I want all of you to find yourselves someone to watch your back during the battle. We need to split up, and break them apart. They're not like us; together they are a threat, but only few of them actually know how to duel. Most of them are completely useless on their own, and we're going to use that to our gain. Get them on their own, disarm them, catch them. Shed no blood unless it's absolutely necessary. Any questions?"

There were none. Lily looked at James, who had teamed up with Sirius, and gave him an encouraging nod before walking up to Marlene McKinnon, a curly-haired witch somewhere in her twenties Lily had befriended after joining the Order.

"Take care of yourself," said she, as they all prepared to enter the Ministry.

"You too," replied James stiffly, "If we lose each other, let's meet up outside the Leaky Cauldron at the break of dawn. All right?"

Lily nodded, and glanced at her watch. It was five minutes to midnight.

And then it began. Two by two, they charged into the chaotic Ministry, dodging and blocking spells fired at them from the darkness. Sounds of explosions, shattering glass, and yells filled the air as Lily and Marlene dove into the heat of the raging battle. Marlene, an excellent duelist, instantly took down two Death Eaters, while Lily only barely managed to protect herself from the furious attacks of her enemy.

"Come! We need to lure them on their own!" shouted Marlene and grabbed Lily by the arm, heading straight into the Department of Mysteries. Two hooded wizards instantly took the bait, following the girls into the dark, maze-like wing.

Several halls and corridors later, they entered a round hall full of identical, unmarked doors. Marlene stopped for one hesitant moment, pondering their next move.

"Let's split up," she suggested, "Find yourself a hiding place somewhere near the door. If they follow you, stun them before they realize what hit them. Meet you back here in ten minutes. All right?"

"Right," replied Lily.

She entered the room closest to her and shut the door behind her. Taking a quick look around, she found herself in a spacey, bleak room with nothing else in it but something that looked like an old ruined passageway. Too worked up to think whether the old construct had any function beyond making an excellent shield for her purposes, she quickly hid behind the other column, ready to curse the first person to open the door. When nothing happened in several minutes, she decided to go back and find Marlene. So she walked through the archway and --

* * *

_Lily was walking through a misty forest. She was not entirely sure whether it was day, night, dusk, or dawn, and she could not even name the season. Nevertheless, everything was beautiful. The forest was bathing in silvery light that did not seem to have a source in the sky, as though the trees themselves were glowing dimly. _

_It was an enigmatic, but a pleasant place. It felt both familiar and mysterious. A part of her wanted to lay down and fall asleep on the damp grass beneath her feet, yet somehow she felt like there was somewhere she was supposed to go first, although she has forgotten where it was._

_Strangely enough, there were some sort of ruins in the forest, covered in moss and leaves as though they had been there since the dawn of time. They appeared to be veiled passageways, except that they didn't seem to lead anywhere. They just stood there among the trees with no apparent purpose. They reminded Lily of something she thought she might have seen earlier, but she could not remember what it was._

_Curious, she walked to one of the archways, and ran her hand gently against the silky veil covering it. Suddenly, she felt as though an invisible force was tugging her arm, as though something on the other side of the passageway was pulling her in. The more she tried to resist it, the more powerful it got, eventually drawing her in and sending her to the unknown._

* * *

After a passing moment, which had felt either like the fraction of a second or like an entire lifetime - she could not tell which - Lily fell on the cold floor, nearly breaking her nose in the landing. She spent a couple of seconds lying down and catching her breath, until she climbed warily back on her feet, feeling dizzy. She shook her head and observed the space around her, finding herself exactly where she thought she would be - on the other side of the archway she had just passed through. Nothing around her seemed different, yet it felt like something had happened.

"What was _that_...?" she asked herself, feeling shivers running repeatedly down her spine. She first suspected that she had fainted, but she failed to explain herself just how it had been possible for her to pass out without collapsing on the floor, since she vividly remembered regaining her consciousness _before_ she actually fell. Still, in the lack of a better theory she swallowed her own explanation, reminding herself that she currently had more important things to think about.

She tiptoed to the door and pressed her ear against it, trying to listen if the Death Eaters were still chasing her. She could not hear their footsteps anymore. In fact, Lily could no longer hear anything at all, except the sound of the howling breeze blowing inside the dark tunnels of the silent Department of Mysteries. All the screaming, the shouting, and the general roar of the distant battle had ceased, as though she was the only living soul in the entire building.


	3. Snow in June

"Marlene? James? Moody? Anybody?"

Lily wandered around the Ministry of Magic half-shouting, half-whispering the names of her friends and companions, to no avail. All she found in the entire building were silent and empty rooms, and all she could hear were her own footsteps echoing in the pitch-black darkness. There were no traces of Marlene, James, Sirius, nor of any of the Death Eaters. Furthermore, all the windows, statues, and doors in the entrance hall were completely intact, although she clearly recalled that the place had been demolished when she had entered the building. It was as though the battle had never even occurred.

"Don't be stupid, Lily," said she to herself scornfully, when her vivid imagination offered her several horrible theories about what might have happened to the others, "They can't have all simply vanished, or died. There's no blood nor dead bodies here, are there? Whatever happened, it must have happened to you alone, and not to them. They're safe, and you're just lost, until you figure out what went wrong and how you're going to fix it. Now, I think you really should go back to that archway, and..."

Lily had to cut her inner monologue short, for the silence had just been pierced by a terrifying, inhuman howl. Gasping, she turned on her heels and saw two hooded figures emerging from the shadows, drifting towards her across the marble floor like clouds of black mist.

"Dementors!" she exclaimed, feeling how crippling terror began to grip her insides. The air around her suddenly turned chilly.

"_Expecto Patronum!_" she shouted, just when her heart began to fill with crushing despair, and the familiar shape of a silver doe burst out of the tip of her wand, protecting her from the hunger of the dark creatures. The Dementors hissed, retreating back to the shadows. Lily seized her chance and ran to the exists, escaping the Ministry before the Dementors regained their strength.

Lily collapsed on the sidewalk and buried her face inside her hands, catching her breath. Her mind was still clouding with the worst memories she had stored in the depths of her mind, such as her mother's death, or the time her best friend Severus had stabbed her in the back. She shook her head to rid herself of the unpleasant thoughts, and forced herself to concentrate. What had happened to her, why were there Dementors in the Ministry of Magic, and why the hell were they attacking her? The Dementors were supposed to be under the Ministry's strict control, and they were not allowed to harm anyone else but wanted criminals and the inmates of Azkaban.

Suddenly Lily realized that it was absolutely freezing outside. For a moment, she thought that she only felt cold because of the Dementors, but then she looked aroud herself and dropped her jaw.

It was snowing. She was sitting on a cold, wet pile of dirty snow in June, shuddering in her breezy summer dress. Furthermore, the other people in the street were wearing thick winter coats, and some of the buildings around her had been decorated with Christmas ornaments.

"What the..." she began out loud, but never managed to finish her sentence with an appropriate curse word, as her mind finally provided her a reasonable explanation for the questions she had just asked herself. Somehow, someway, she must have traveled back or forth in time. Perhaps the archway she had walked through had been some sort of a trap which had kept her in for six months, even though it had only felt like a second to her. Perhaps the archway had been some strange portal that had taken her six months in the past, long before the battle had occurred. Either way, she needed to know what day it was before deciding what to do.

"Excuse me," she asked the first person she ran into in the street - a young, kind-looking man who appeared to be a little bit older than her, "Could you tell me what day it is today?"

"Oh, it's Sunday. The twenty-first," he replied.

"Ah. Cheers," Lily thanked, smiling awkwardly, "Er, I know that this might sound a little bit crazy, but could you also tell me what year it is?"

"What _year_ it is?" repeated the man with a blink, "Why?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie to you," Lily continued with a mischievous grin, "It's just that I've recently traveled in time, but I'm not sure whether I've come to the future or to the past unless I find out what year it is now."

"Yeah, I hate when that happens," the man replied, bursting into laughter. Just as Lily had hoped, he seemed to assume that she was only joking or flirting with him.

"It's 1997. December. Does that help you?"

Lily's guts gave an unpleasant twitch.

"Yes, thank you. You've been very helpful," she replied in an unnaturally high voice, quickly walking away. She was shuddering again, but this time she could not blame it on the cold. It appeared that she was in much deeper trouble than she had originally estimated.


	4. Lost and Found

Severus couldn't remember the last time he had slept well. He had been suffering from severe insomnia since Dumbledore's death, and the first night he spent home after leaving Hogwarts for the holidays was no exception in his series of sleepless nights. He tried to keep himself entertained by reading a book, but his mind kept drifting back to the usual topics that kept him awake when he was supposed to sleep. He thought about Voldemort, about Dumbledore, about Harry Potter, about Hogwarts, about the war, and - naturally - about Lily. Lately, he had been thinking about her even more than usual, perhaps because he constantly needed to remind himself why he had to keep on going when all he wanted to do was to close his eyes and never wake up.

The problem with thinking about Lily was that it was always a mixture of bliss and misery. Remembering how happy he had been with her came with the prize of owning up that she was gone forever. To think about her life always meant thinking about her death, and he was never quite sure whether the euphoria was worth the soul-splitting pain that came with it. Still, it was not as though he could have made a conscious choice of erasing her from his memory for the sake of his peace of mind. Lily had haunted him for twenty years, and she would haunt him until his death, whether he liked it or not. If all the lonely years had taught him anything, it was that he simply could not let go of her.

Around midnight, Severus threw his book away in frustration, and decided to take a walk to clear his mind of unwanted thoughts. He was not the slightest bit surprised when his feet carried him to the house Lily Evans had grown up in. He often found himself standing there, staring at the building she had once lived in for no particular reason.

Severus never visited Lily's grave. He had been to her funeral, but he had never returned because the whole place made him sick. It was like an amusement park - the worship site of the cult of the mythical Potters, and a perfect tourist attraction for people who had never even met Lily Evans. Unlike Severus, they did not even know what her laughter sounded like (it ranged from high and bubbly to deep and velvety, depending on what she was laughing at), what her skin smelled like (sweet, like some exotic fruit - he had never been close to her long enough to decide which one), or how it felt like to sit next to her on a rooftop and watch the sun rise on a midsummer morning (absolutely amazing). This house, this neighbourhood with its playgrounds, and the little forests and meadows surrounding the town were where Severus felt her true presence, while her grave was nothing more than a grim tribute to her death.

Severus was not sure which one of them had been there first. He usually had extremely sharp senses, which was why he could not understand why he hadn't noticed her instantly. Somehow she ended up scaring him when she first called out his name.

"Severus! Severus Snape!"

Severus felt like his heart suddenly made an acrobatic move. It wasn't just because he was genuinely surprised, or because she had called him by his name - it was also because of the sound of _her voice_. With a swishy sound of his cape, he turned around drew out his wand, pointing it at the shadowy figure on the other side of the street.

"I knew it was you!" she said, baffled, "you still look the same as you used to. Older, but mostly the same. What are you doing here?"

"Who's there?" shouted Severus. His hands had begun to shake, and he did not know why.

"Oh, never mind. This was a stupid idea to begin with," said she, shifting uncomfortably as though she thought about leaving.

"_Don't_ move!" said Severus sharply, "Who are you, and how do you know my name? Force me to ask again, and there will be one important organ less in your body."

Somehow, Severus got the feeling that he was being sneered at, even though he could not see the girl's face clearly enough to know for sure.

"Charming, Sev. Nice to see you again, too. I guess your personality hasn't changed since the last time we talked, either. I should have kept my mouth shut and walked away the second I saw you standing there!"

_Sev_. Nobody had ever called him Sev, except...

"Show yourself," he croaked and lowered his wand, feeling how an odd sensation filled up his insides, "_Please_."

"That's more like it," she said, sounding slightly softer, "Well, you know when people you assume to be dead turn out to be... err... less dead than originally estimated," she began incoherently, "Not that _I've_ actually died, yet. I suppose... Oh Merlin's bollocks, there just isn't a smooth way of doing this, so - _ta-dah!_"

With that, and with a little 'pop', she apparated right in front of him.

She was about nineteen, twenty at the most, red-haired and green-eyed, and she looked extremely worn and tired. She was sick and pale, her long hair was unkempt from obvious neglect of personal hygiene, and there were dark shadows under her eyes. There was a frightened, slightly mad look on her face, and she was shuddering from either cold, fatigue, or fear. Still, she was beautiful, as she had always been.

Also, she was Lily Evans, precisely as Severus remembered her.

"No..." said Severus, shaking his head, "It can't be you..."

"And yet it is," she said with a theatrical movement of her hands, "Now that that's sorted out, suppose you could help an old friend in distress? Because if you haven't realized already, I'm having a bit of a problem here. Five galleons if you guess what it is!"

Severus resisted the urge to give in to his desire to kneel down at her feet and lock her in his embrace, giving himself a mental slap on the face instead.

"You're not her," he said firmly, voicing his doubts, "Lily Evans died sixteen years ago. I saw her body. I was there when she was buried. Who are you, _what_ are you, and how _dare_ you desecrate her memory in this way?"

She lifted the corner of her mouth slightly, letting a hint of a half-smile briefly light up her face.

"Awfully sweet and gallant of you to defend my honour like that," she said, "But really, it is me. As for how, well, yesterday I..."

"_Riddikulus_!"

She narrowly dodged Severus's spell.

"Hey!" she shouted angrily, "Don't interrupt me when I'm talking! And don't try to curse me, either! Also - _Riddikulus_? Do Boggarts usually turn into _me_ when they face you? Because I find that offensive!"

Severus refused to listen. Whoever she was, _whatever_ she was, she looked, sounded, and even acted so much like Lily that his heart was about to explode with emotion. He wanted to destroy the impostor before he would fall for her charms.

"You're not her!" he roared, "_Stupe_ -"

"STOP IT!" she yelled back, suddenly collapsing on her knees and breaking down in tears. Severus lowered his wand warily.

"I've had a terrible day today," said she, gritting her teeth in an attempt to hold back her sobs, "Yesterday, I found out that almost everyone I've ever cared about is _dead_, and that I am _dead_. Everything I once knew is gone. I'm lost in this hell of a future, and I don't know what to do."

She gazed up at him, eyes full of pain and need.

"Look, Sev," she continued, sobering up slightly, "I don't know if we ever made up after that fight that drove us apart. I'm sorry if we didn't. I know it's been years and I completely understand if you've forgotten all about me by now, but I can still remember that we used to be friends,_ best _friends. If you ever cared about me as much as I cared about you, please help me. I have no-one else to turn to."

Severus's wand slipped from his loose grasp, and fell on the asphalt with a clatter. He quickly knelt down beside her and reached out his trembling hand, tentatively running it against her smooth, warm cheek. He gave a small gasp. She felt real - or at least as real as Severus imagined Lily must have felt like, for he didn't actually know what it felt like to touch the silky, rosy skin on her cheekbones. He tucked one of her red locks behind her ear, and leaned forward to breathe in her lovely scent, recognizing the familiar odour of the exotic fruit he could not name.

"Lily..." he whispered sadly with a confused half-smile, staring into the beautiful jade eyes he had desperately missed.

"It's all right," she smiled through her tears, relieved, placing her hand gently on his, "It's me. I'm real, or at least solid."

"How -- how is this possible?" he asked weakly.

"That," she began heavily, "- is a long and an exciting story full of adventure and time-travel, and I will gladly exchange it for a warm meal and a cup of tea. I'm starving, and I haven't slept in nearly two days."


	5. Ghosts of the Past

(A/N: My apologies for the delayed update. Something unexpected happened to me literally the day after I posted the previous chapter of this story, and it's kept me rather busy for these past few weeks. I'll try to be more consistent with my future updates. Thank you all for reading, by the way!)

* * *

Lily Evans was standing in front of him.

Lily Evans was standing in front of him.

Lily Evans was standing in front of him.

No matter how many times Severus said it in his mind, he could not get himself to believe that it was actually happening. Lily was alive _and_ she had returned to him, just as he had desperately hoped for when all hope had been lost.

A part of him kept waiting for the punchline to kick in. Even though she answered every question he asked her about things only the real Lily could have known correctly, his suspicions wouldn't fade away. Even though the story she gave him - how she had accidentally walked through a strange archway in the Department of Mysteries of the Ministry of Magic and somehow ended up in his time - sounded believable enough, as curious as it was, doubt filled his heart.

It was not that he didn't find her convincing - she talked like Lily, walked like Lily, acted like Lily, and even smelled like Lily - but that he refused to believe in his own luck. Miracles did not happen, not in Severus's life. _His_ life was the one with the endless unfortunate events and constant tragedy, not the one where impossible dreams could become reality. _His_ entire life had been a parade of exponentially growing misery and continuous ill fortune, which was why Severus had wisely developed himself a sceptical attitude towards things that seemed Too Good To Be True. His life got worse - _not_ better - as it proceeded. This had to be delirium, or just a huge mistake which would eventually be fixed. Sooner or later, he thought, Lily simply _had_ to disappear in a puff of smoke, because she couldn't have possibly been anything else but a twisted joke played on him.

A part of him kept waiting for the punchline. The rest of him was caught in such a crossfire of emotions that he could barely contain himself. All that part of him wanted to do was to hold on to her like a coward clings on to life, cover every inch of her in burning kisses, and stay close to her until the end of his days. But of course he wouldn't do that - of course he couldn't do anything else but stare at her like blithering idiot, too petrified to say any of the things he had wished he could tell her when he had used to dream about seeing her again.

"It's funny that you still live here," said Lily, clutching on the cup of tea Severus had fixed for her, "I mean, I would have thought that you'd have left Spinner's End far behind you by now," she continued, "I remember how you always told me that you hated it here, and that you were going to leave and never come back when the opportunity would arrive. Didn't think that I would find you here in this house, almost twenty years later."

"I did leave, when I was eighteen," he said in a weak voice that barely resembled his normal tone, still contemplating whether to have or not to have a heart attack, "- but I moved back when my father died. I didn't know what else to do with the house, so I came to live here myself."

"Ah," replied Lily emptily, tapping her fingers on the table, "Well, that's one thing that hasn't changed. Trivial, but oddly soothing."

A deep silence filled the room while Lily took a long zip of her tea and Severus stood in the corner staring at her, still finding the general sight of her sitting nonchalantly in his kitchen too surreal for his mind to handle.

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Is it really true?" she asked, concern invading her eyes, "Is Dumbledore really dead? It said something like that in the Daily Prophet, but I wasn't sure whether I could trust it..."

"He is. I'm sorry."

Lily bit her lower lip, which she always did when she was trying to hold back a whirlwind of emotions.

"And I'm dead as well," she said heavily, wincing slightly as though she had just swallowed something sharp, "And so is my father. And James. We're not the only ones, are we?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Don't tell me who else is gone," she plead, "Not yet. I'm too tired to take it right now. Tell me in the morning, once I've had some rest..."

She gave a little sigh that did nothing to the tension in her shoulders. Instead, traces of suppressed tears appeared in the corners of her eyes.

"I always believed that everything was going to turn alright in the end," she began, clenching her fists and blinking rapidly to hold back her tears, "I don't know why, but I blindly trusted that good would triumph and that all would be well, no matter how dark the future looked. Turns out I was wrong. It never even occurred to me that it could all lead to this. I suppose I'm much more naïve and much less perceptive than I think I am. It's just -- this world -- all death..."

She exhaled strongly, and for a moment it seemed like she was finally going to burst into the bitter tears, but once again she managed to keep her pain inside. Instead, she just sniffed, pressing her head feebly against the table, as though the last ounce of strength had just been drained out of her.

"I feel like I should be breathing into a brown paper bag right now," she murmured.

"Maybe you should go to bed," suggested Severus, "Everything will be better in the morning, I promise. Just... get some rest, and then we can work out what to do. I will do everything to keep you safe."

Lily said nothing, but she didn't protest when Severus took her gently by the arm and lead her to the bedroom. He could feel that she was shivering all over, as though her feet were just about to fail her. He was ready to catch her, should that happen.

"Wait here," said Severus, releasing her from his firm grasp by the bed, "I'll get you something to sleep in. I believe I still have some of my mother's old clothes around here somewhere. Unless you..."

He paused as Lily, clearly paying no attention to him, suddenly got up from the bed and slowly walked to the other side of the room, eyes fixed on something straight in front of her. Before Severus realized what that something was, she was already staring the picture Severus had recently hung on the wall of his bedroom, tilting her head at it pensively. It was a framed, yellowish Muggle photograph of two smudge-faced ten-year-old children eating ice-cream on a sunny summer day, laughing at the camera. Severus's cheeks instantly began to burn - he wouldn't have put the picture on display had he known that he wouldn't be the only one to see it - but his embarrassment faded away once he realized that Lily was smiling.

"This is us, isn't it? I remember when my father took this one," said she warmly, glancing at him over her shoulder, "I guess you haven't forgotten me after all."

"No. I never did," he admitted. _Not for a second_, he added in his mind.

Her smile widened slightly, in perfect contrast to her sad eyes.

"I'm glad I ran into you tonight," she said sincerely, "I wonder... did we ever mend our friendship after that fight we had?" Severus shook his head.

"Then I'm sorry for that," she continued apologetically, "I never wanted you out of my life for good. I didn't plan to stay mad at you forever. I suppose I just assumed that sooner or later everything would go back to the way it used to be. I just wish that we'd settled out differences before it was too late."

"Don't think about that right now. Just go to sleep," insisted Severus, partly because she really did look too exhausted to stay awake for another minute without running the risk of getting a permanent brain injury, partly because he desperately needed an excuse to leave. Hearing Lily say those forgiving words he'd been longing to hear ever since the day he had lost her were just about to turn him into a quivering wreck of a respectable human being, and he much preferred to have his breakdowns in private.

Lily nodded her head at the suggestion, walking back to the bed and laying down on it without changing her clothes.

"Isn't this your bed?" she asked drowsily.

"Yes."

"Where are you going to sleep, then?"

"Nowhere," he sighed heavily, and closed the door.

Something told him that he was looking at another sleepless night, whether he liked it or not.

A one-digit number of seconds after the door closed behind Severus, Lily began to cry. Hot streams of salty water started to run down her cheeks, as she finally gave in to the panic she had been fighting back all day long. She cried so hard that she could barely breathe between the violent sobs that shook her entire body like painful spasms.

It was a miracle that she had not turned into a hysterical mess on the moment she had found out what exactly had happened in this grim dystopia of a future she had gotten into. Her own theory was that the shock had been so overwhelming that her brain had simply not known how to react to it, allowing her to function like a normal human being while it contemplated whether it was best to scream, cry, faint, laugh, or resort to mindless violence in response to it all. Things like this took their time to sink in.

After leaving the Ministry, Lily had waited fo the first book store in Diagon Alley to open up and then rushed in to purchase a stack of history books and all the copies of Daily Prophet she could find, having decided to discover precisely what had happened during her eighteen years of absence before ending up doing something foolish out of ignorance. What she had learned about her future - from her marriage to James and the legend of the Boy Who Lived all the way to Voldemort's revival - had initially felt like a sick joke. She had read the books over and over again, until her mind had finally began to own up that it was all real - that less than twenty years later in her life she would be dead, all of her loved ones would be gone, and that the world she had once known would have burned down in the flames of two devastating wars.

She had not cried, or screamed, or done anything else one would normally do after receiving such horrifying news. In fact, she had been far too stunned and numb to do anything else but to sit still and try very, very hard not to get sick on the floor every time she opened her mouth. She had spent the rest of her day wandering around the city aimlessly, utterly clueless about what to do next. Most of her friends were apparently dead, and she had no way of knowing whether she could trust the ones who were still alive, not that she would have had any means of locating any of them anyways.. Eventually, without a further plan, she had simply followed to her first instinct, and gone home to her father - or, as it had turned out, to the place that had once been her home where her father had used to live.

And then, quite randomly, she had ran into Severus, just when she had needed him the most.

A part of Lily was still hurting because of what he had done to her. A part of her would never forgive him for betraying her trust. But on that night, her last thought before falling asleep that she was genuinely happy that she now had Severus back in her life, just like in the good old days.


	6. Two Against the World

(A/N: This time I actually have a valid excuse for the shamefully delayed update – my hard drive suddenly just died on me, taking a nearly finished draft of this chapter with it, and several drafts of other chapters with it to its cold grave. As a result, I had to recreate this lengthy chapter from the scratch, and I also invented several very creative cuss words, some of which will be featured early on in the next chapter, which I will hopefully get up sooner than this one. Thank you for your patience!)'

* * *

Waking up, Lily was not sure how many hours or minutes she had slept, but it couldn't have been much since it was still dark outside. She was feeling a little bit better. Sobered by sleep, it was now easier for her to control her emotions and will her fear to fade away, even though it was impossible for her to rid herself completely of the panic that threatened to take her over on every given second.

"Get up," she told herself, "You can't help yourself by lying on the bed like a roadkill all day long. Pathetic, depressed cowards never get anything done. You have no right to waste your time being afraid right now."

It took her several angry inner monologues before she managed to drag herself out of the bed and on her feet. She sighed heavily and wiped away her tears with the back of her fist. Every now and then thoughts of the grim future – namely the deaths of her beloved friends – were about to surface, but she forced herself not to think about them. She was not helping anyone by getting too upset to function.

"Your fifteen minutes of panic are over," she said to herself, combing her messy hair with her fingers, "From now on, you're going to stop snivelling and start acting like the sensible and clear-headed adult everyone whose fates depend on your ability to think rationally deserve you to be."

While she was mentally addressing the subject of rational thought, an important question – and she had absolutely no idea why she hadn't thought about it earlier – occurred to her: had it been wise of her to blindly trust Severus, after all? In the feverish, delirious haze of the night before, Severus had seemed like a messenger from heaven when she had suddenly seen him standing there right in front of her, but now Lily was beginning to question her own judgement. Just because she and Severus had once been childhood friends, it didn't mean that he didn't have it in him to betray her. He had done the very thing in the past, after all.

Lily had not spoken to Severus since the devastating fight that had ended their friendship. The last time she had seen him had been the last day of school, though she had purposefully ignored him even then. After that, he had disappeared from her life completely, and Lily had utterly no idea where he had gone off to. She had thought about him many times since, wondering what had happened to him, but her pride had kept her from finding out.

She had heard rumours that Severus was a Death Eater, but she refused to believe that it was true. Severus had indeed always been fascinated by the Dark Arts, and he had spent an awfully lot of time with people who had quite openly supported Voldemort, but it was still hard for Lily to believe that the Severus she had grown up with would have actually gone on and joined the Death Eaters. It just didn't seem like him to go so far – to actually harm and kill people like her.

Still, Lily had no way of knowing what had been going on in his life during those twenty years between the present and their last conversation. She wanted to trust him, but she didn't know if she could. Then again, she didn't exactly have a choice. For the time being, Severus was her only hope.

* * *

Lily found Severus in the dark living room. He was sitting in his armchair with his eyes closed, resting his chin on his hand, and he didn't seem to notice it when Lily tiptoed silently across the room in front of him. She could not tell whether he was asleep or awake – or whether he was dead or alive, for that matter, since he was sitting so still that he might have as well been carved out of stone – but he did not look the slightest bit restful. The muscles in his face were locked up in a permanent, agonized frown, and his complexion had reached a whole new shade of freakishly pale.

The odd thing about Severus was that he looked exactly like Lily remembered, except that he had completely changed. Apart from having obviously aged – in fact, he looked even older than he should have looked like at his late thirties – nothing about his general appearance had dramatically changed. His stringy black hair was as long and as unkempt as it had been twenty years earlier, and his taste in clothing seemed to have remained the same as it had always been. Yet, there was something different about him beneath the surface. Maybe it was just age, or experience, but something had changed about the way he carried himself. He no longer slouched, as he had used to, and there wasn't a trace of the nervous, reserved twitchiness to him that had once dominated his presence. He held his chin a little bit higher, stood a little bit straighter, and seemed fit his clothes a little bit better. He almost looked confident about himself. Age suited him.

Lily was just about to reach out her hand to wake him up, when Severus suddenly flung his eyes open so quickly that she doubted that he had even been asleep.

"You're awake," said he stoically.

"I never really fell asleep," she replied, sitting on the sofa in front of him, "I just dozed off for a moment."

Severus blinked twice, giving her puzzled frown.

"No. You slept for almost twenty-six hours," said he, "If you hadn't been snoring and drooling on the pillow, I would have thought that you were dead!"

Lily widened her eyes.

"Twenty-six hours?" she repeated loudly, "You mean I've been asleep since last night? I didn't even realize...! Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I didn't want to disturb you. You looked like you needed every hour of rest you could get."

"But that's twenty-six hours wasted," she sighed in frustration, "I could have been doing something useful with all that time instead."

Severus did not reply to this. When Lily glanced at him, she noticed that the mature confidence about him had disappeared, and something about the way he looked at her reminded her of his shy and reserved fifteen-year-old self. Maybe he had not changed, after all, but merely learned to disguise his insecurity.

"I'm sorry," she said apologetically, "It's just that I want to get started as quickly as I can. There's not a moment to be wasted."

"A moment to be wasted of what?"

"Of getting out of here, of course!" she replied ambitiously, "Finding out how I got here, and how I'm going to get back. I have to get back to the Ministry of Magic and learn more about that archway, and -"

"Hang on! You can't just waltz into the Department of Mysteries with an archeology kit, and expect to get away with it! Have you got any idea what's going on there at the moment? The Ministry is crowded by Death Eaters, and guarded by Dementors. You'd be caught and killed at the front door!"

"Then I'm going to find a way to get in without getting caught," Lily insisted, "This is the order in which I prefer to do important things, Severus. I give up and start quivering in despair _after_ all hope is gone, not before I even get started. You should try it."

"You're impossible!" Severus snorted, shaking his head, "Do you really think that it's going to be that simple? You're acting _exactly_ like your..."

Severus was about to finish his sentence, but instead he just gaped air and fell silent, blinking his eyes rapidly.

"Like my _what_, Sev?" asked Lily, narrowing her eyes.

"Nevermind," he murmured, "Look, Lily, the world has changed since you... went away. You're up against powers that are much stronger and darker than you could ever imagine. You can't fight them with your optimism alone, as dazzling as it is. I don't want you to die again."

"I have no intention of dying for the first time, either!" she stated boldly, completely oblivious to the strange tenderness in Severus's eyes, "Don't you see what this is, Sev? This is a chance for me to set everything right, _everything_! I can go back and save myself, James, Dumbledore, and everyone else who have lost their lives in this war. I don't know whether it was fate, chance, or dumb luck that threw me here, but I'm not going to waste this opportunity to save everyone. You may not believe that I'm capable of doing that all by myself, but I'm going to try anyways. I have to. That's what I do – I fix things, and save people. That's what Dad always tells me."

Her blazing eyes silenced Severus for a moment. He gave her a charged, cryptic look Lily could not quite unravel, but then again, there had always been something about Severus that Lily had never fully understood.

"How do you do that?" he asked quietly, "How can you take this all so lightly and keep your cool, knowing what you know now about the future you're looking at?"

"I'm not taking this lightly. I'm taking this more seriously than you could even begin to imagine," Lily replied solemnly, "That's why I'm going to do everything in my power to make things better, instead of screaming and crying hysterically, or whatever it is you seem to expect me to do. I will give in to fear and depression when you prove me that doing so would make the world a better place."

This was partly a lie; deep down inside, Lily was devastated and afraid, but she needed to convince both Severus and herself that she was fine in order to keep the emotions from surfacing. She did not mind doubt gnawing her insides, as long as she managed to keep herself distracted by pretending to be stronger than she truly was.

"_This -_," she said defiantly with a vague movement of her hand that seemed to refer to the world Severus lived in and absolutely everything in it, "- doesn't scare me, because it's nothing more than a hypothesis. _This_ is not even proper reality._ This _is never going to happen, because _I_ won't allow it to happen."

"All I'm saying is that you need to be careful," warned Severus, "You may see this only world I've ever know as a mere alternative, but that doesn't mean that this world cannot break you. If you really want to do this, you need my help."

"Oh, I was counting on that all along," she said with a cheeky grin, "We're friends, right? Two against the world. Of course you're going to help me."

Severus smiled, but his smile looked terribly sad for a reason Lily did not know. It eventually faded away entirely, when a forgotten thought seemed to occur to him, causing him to turn yet another shade paler.

"There's something you need to know about me before we continue," he said darkly. His voice was trembling.

"What is it?" she asked, concerned.

Severus rolled up his sleeve, and revealed her the Dark Mark tattooed on the inside of his right arm.


	7. Turbulence

"You _fucking_ prick! You absolute piece of shit! You cheating, treacherous little nob-head! I can't believe this!"

It never failed to amaze Severus how foul-mouthed Lily could be when she was very angry. Granted, she usually was rather blunt and sharp-tongued, but she only swore when she was positively enraged – and when she did, the language she used was so venomous that it would have sound vulgar coming from a drunken pirate.

For a passing moment after resting her eyes on the tattoo on Severus's arm, Lily had merely looked scared. Her eyes had widened, and she had given Severus a genuinely frightened look. Just as Severus had been about to explain himself, she had suddenly jumped off the sofa so furiously that for a moment there Severus had expected her to go on and punch him in the eye. Instead, she had just drowned him in obscenities.

"Calm down, Lily," said Severus coolly. He had already prepared himself for an outburst, and did his best to keep his voice down to keep the situation out of control.

"I will not!" yelled Lily, "You're a Death Eater, you cunt! How could you? I trusted you!"

"Believe it or not, this is not what it looks like," said Severus.

"Well it can't be a fashion statement, either," hissed Lily sardonically, "Or maybe it is. I wouldn't know. I don't even know you anymore!"

"I've rejoined the Death Eaters as a spy, but only because Dumbledore asked me to. I work for him," said Severus. He tried to explain his situation as briefly and as quickly as he could, fearing that Lily might burst out of the house in any given second.

"_Re_joined?" Lily repeated, narrowing her eyes into slits, "So either way, you _have_ been a Death Eater, for real?"

"Many years ago – yes ," Severus admitted, "- but I changed my ways, and now I'm on Dumbledore's side. More importantly, I'm on _your _side. You have no reason to fear me."

"Well I do have _that_ reason, and it seems very solid!" shouted Lily, gesturing at his Dark Mark.

"I'm not wearing this for fun!" argued Severus, "I've gone into great lengths in order to convince the Dark Lord that I've always been loyal to him, and that I've stayed close to Dumbledore for years only to betray him, but the truth - whether you believe it or not - is that I turned against the Dark Lord long ago, and I've been spying on him for the Order of the Phoenix since he returned."

"Oh, how terribly convenient," said Lily, and rolled her eyes, "Secret Agent Man himself, I presume? I don't believe a word you're saying anymore!"

"Would you believe Dumbledore himself?" asked Severus quietly

"Dumbledore is dead!" shouted Lily.

"He is, but he can still speak for me," explained Severus, "He was a Headmaster of Hogwarts, and the school never forgets its Headmasters. His portrait is hanging on the wall of his old office, but I can summon him here."

"But he's not the real Dumbledore, isn't he?"

"No," replied Severus, "The portrait is not even a person – it doesn't even have its own soul - but it's still a reflection of Albus Dumbledore exactly as he was on the time of his death. He knows everything the real Dumbledore knew while he lived, including the truth about me. Would you accept his testimony, if you insist on questioning my sincerity?"

He had come to the conclusion that this was not the optimal moment to tell Lily who in fact killed Dumbledore. That revelation would have to wait for a time when Lily would not look like she was on the verge of murdering him on impulse.

"Fine," said Lily sharply after brief consideration, "Call him here, but I want to speak to him alone."

Severus nodded stifly, sighed in relief, and left the room. A moment later he came back with a veiled picture, which he placed on the sofa.

"What's that?" asked Lily, lifting an eyebrow.

"Just a portrait. I'm using it to invite Dumbledore here. You should hide before I unveil the picture," suggested he, "Portraits rarely bother themselves with the present day and the future, as they are only echoes of the past. Most of them do not hold any interest in current affairs of the world, even if they were given a chance to affect them. However, I happen to know that Death Eaters are currently monitoring the portrait network, and if rumour starts to spread that a portrait has seen you here, they are going to get suspicious, and we can't take that risk. It's best if we won't let anyone else but me and Dumbledore know about you."

With one strong tug, he tore the dusty cloth off the painting, revealing the portrait of a black-haired, well-dressed but dotty-looking old witch, who was dozing off on the left corner of the picture.

"You!" said he loudly. The witch in the picture woke up with a start.

"Merlin! What is it now!" she snapped angrily.

"I need you to go to Hogwarts and tell the portrait of Albus Dumbledore to come and see me," said Severus, "In the meantime, you will stay away from this house until we're finished talking. I want to speak to him in private."

The witch gave Severus a dirty glare, and then disappeared reluctantly while muttering curses under her breath.

"He'll be here in any minute. Just promise me one thing," said Severus, turning to face Lily, "don't let him play you like a pawn."

"What do you mean?" asked Lily, "I thought you were on his side."

"Dumbledore is a good man," replied Severus darkly, "But he can also be cunning, ruthless, and manipulative when it comes to his idealistic beliefs about greater good justifying everything. Individual tragedy means nothing to him. He would not hesitate to sacrifice both of us, if doing so would help him get what he wants. His portrait might not be as powerful as the real Dumbledore was while he lived, but it can be just as persuasive as he was. I happen to have a reason to believe that he might try to urge you to do something that would eventually cost you your life."

"I don't believe you," said Lily coldly, "That doesn't sound like him at all! He would never do anything to harm me."

"Then you obviously don't know him as well as I do," said Severus cryptically, hoping that he was not giving away too much by being so fiercely protective of her,"Just don't let him manipulate you. I'm begging you."

Lily's angry frown turned into a puzzled quint. She looked like she was just about to say something, but got distracted when the face of Albus Dumbledore suddenly appeared in the portrait in front of them.


	8. Third Wheel

For several seconds, the portrait looked like it could have been an ordinary painting, for Dumbledore had turned motionless at the sight of her - the very alive Lily Evans - standing there next to Severus.

"Lily Potter!" he said breathlessly, batting his eyes rapidly in disbelief.

Lily winced. She could not help but still find the sound of the surname Potter attached to her first name unbearably odd.

"Professor, I can completely explain this," said she hastily, raising her index finger.

"What is going on, Severus?" asked Dumbledore in an unnaturally high voice, giving Severus an inquiring look.

Severus rolled his eyes in frustration, and briefly told Dumbledore the story so far – how Lily had mysteriously found herself in the present time after a battle at the Ministry of Magic, how she had incidentally ran into Severus, and how they now needed Dumbledore to prove her that Severus had told her the truth about himself. The explanation was everything but clarifying; the further Severus got on with his story, the more confused and baffled Dumbledore looked. When Severus was finally finished, Dumbledore remained silent and pensive for several minutes, while Lily and Severus nervously waited for his reaction.

"Why, it sounds like you've had quite an eventful day, Lily!" said Dumbledore eventually, "I presume you now expect me to solve your little dilemma with my superior wisdom?"

"First things first," uttered Lily, "I'd like to ask you a few intrusively personal questions about my beloved friend Severus."

"Go on," said Severus and Dumbledore simultaneously.

"_Alone_," said Lily sharply, narrowing her eyes murderously at Severus.

Severus frowned, glancing eerily at Dumbledore as though to secretly signal him something, but then he simply bowed his head courteously, and left Lily alone with the portrait.

* * *

"Is he telling me the truth?" asked Lily immediately, "He claims that he used to be a Death Eater, and that he's now working for you, _and _that he's on a heroic, top-secret one-man mission to take down You-Know-Who from within his inner circle. I'm sorry, but that sounds utterly ridiculous! Either he's lying to me about working for you, or he just made up the whole Death Eater past to sound more exciting for Merlin knows what reason!"

"Every word he said is true," assured Dumbledore, "I'm very proud to tell you that Severus has been my most trusted friend and an aide for over fifteen years."

"So... it's also true that he _was_ a Death Eater?" said Lily, collapsing on the sofa and burying her face in her hands, "Bloody Severus... I trusted him. I can't believe that he betrayed me all over again."

"I'd advice you not to judge him too soon," said Dumbledore calmly, "Severus was indeed once a Death Eater, but there's more to him than just that. When he was young, lonely, and foolish, he fell for the wrong crowd, but he eventually learned his lesson and turned to me for help. Knowing how cruelly his former master treats traitors, it was incredibly brave of him to even ask my help. Ever since then, he's fought on our side. If it hadn't been for him, we would have lost this war a long time ago."

"Alright, I'll give him that," Lily sighed, "- but I just don't understand what possessed him do something as deranged as joining the Death Eaters in the first place. I always knew his inbred, donkey-brained, fanatical pure-blood friends were stupid enough to join, but I would never expected him to do the same. I used to believe that he was different, but I guess I was wrong."

"He _is_ different. His actions prove that," said Dumbledore, "Keep in mind that Severus was very young, very lonely, and subjective to bad influences when he took the Mark. He is not the first person to foolishly mimic the actions of a dubious friend. Never underestimate the power of peer pressure."

"Do you think it's my fault?" asked Lily timidly, "I mean... I was his only friend. When I stopped talking to him, I suppose he was left all alone with no-one else to turn to but those crazy Slytherins. If I hadn't given up on him, maybe he would have stayed on the right track."

"Perhaps," replied Dumbledore, "- but no, it was not your fault. Severus alone is responsible for his own actions, even if he was pressured or tricked by his Death Eater comrades. You have no reason to blame yourself."

"Severus was always such a jealous friend," mused Lily, "He looked so crushed every time I spent my time with my other friends. It made me feel so guilty, but I suppose that's how he wanted me to feel. I hated it when he did that, but I forgave him because I understood why he acted the way he did. He never had any other friends than me, at least no close ones. I guess that's why he was always so attached to me, and kept fearing that I'd leave him all alone. I was his only ally. It seems like he still enormously respects that, given that he's so willing to help me, after all these years."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.

"Is that really what you think?" he asked, surprised, "I thought that you were much more perceptive than that."

"Perceptive? How come?" replied Lily, narrowing her eyes curiously.

"Well, did Severus tell you why he decided to turn his back to the Death Eaters and seek my help?"

"No. Well, not yet, at least. He only told me that he used to be a Death Eater, and that he now works for you," said Lily, shaking her head, "Why? What did make him change sides?"

"He had his reasons," replied Dumbledore plainly.

"Those being?" inquired Lily anxiously.

"Private matters that I'm not entitled to reveal to anyone without his permission," stated he, "Severus has confided certain secrets of his to me, and I've sworn not to speak of them, so it would be terribly rude of me to betray his trust. I'm sure that he will tell you himself, eventually, if you give him time. You know how he is. He doesn't open up easily to anyone."

Lily folded her arms and gave a frustrated grunt. She tried to imagine what embarrassing thing Severus could possibly be hiding, but she couldn't think of anything in particular. She would have to squeeze the truth out of him later.

"But can I trust him?" asked she quietly, "How could I trust him after this?"

"I can fully assure you that, while Severus has certainly made fatal mistakes in his past, he deeply cares about you, and will do everything in his power to keep you safe. In fact, I believe that you could not be in a better care, under these circumstances. However, I do strongly encourage you to question his decisions, because I'm afraid that he might be even too protective of you – so protective, that it might hinder both of you from doing what you must do."

Lily grinned.

"You speak so kindly of him," said she, "And he was rude enough to warn me not to let you manipulate me. He claimed that you couldn't be trusted."

"Did he?" said Dumbledore, and Lily could not tell whether he sounded amused or offended, "Well, we both know that Severus takes himself far too seriously."

"I know. No sense of humour!"

"Oh, he has one. Perhaps he just temporarily loses it when he's around you."

They laughed together for one blissful moment, during which Lily momentarily forgot where she was, what had happened, and how difficult a journey she had ahead of her.

"It's wonderful to see you, Lily," smiled Dumbledore, "Welcome back."

"Thank you," replied Lily, smiling back at him.

* * *

"He's all yours, Secret Agent Man" said Lily, flinging the kitchen door open with one strong thrust, and drifted over to Severus with ease and calmness that – much to Severus's relief – suggested that Dumbledore had managed to convince her to believe him. He studied her face, trying to find out what had been said and left unsaid during her little chat with Dumbledore, but her blank expression gave no clues about just how much Dumbledore had told her about his hidden feelings for her.

"He said he wanted to speak to you alone, too," continued Lily, sitting on the kitchen counter, "I promise not to eavesdrop on you two. Your dirty little secrets are perfectly safe."

Severus glared at her, hoping that she would not notice how all blood suddenly rushed out of his cheeks.

"What makes you think that there are any "dirty little secrets"?" he asked.

"Because he told me," replied Lily nonchalantly, "Blame him, if you must. But don't worry – he didn't specify what the said secret actually was. Not that I won't find it out, eventually."

"There isn't a secret," insisted Severus.

"For your sake, I hope there isn't. I'd hate to catch you lying to my face yet again, Severus," uttered Lily ominously, just before Severus left the room.

* * *

"Did you tell her?" asked Severus angrily after carefully confirming that Lily had kept her word and was not listening to them.

"Tell her what?" replied Dumbledore innocently.

"You know what!"

"No, I didn't," said Dumbledore, "It's your secret, and it's not mine to share. But she is a clever young woman. Be careful, if you insist on protecting your privacy, because she will figure out the truth, if she puts her mind into it."

"Yes, she threatened to do so just now," said Severus, shaking his head half amused, half terrified.

"She's very different from the woman she eventually grew up to be," remarked Dumbledore, "So flighty, and so young."

"She _is_ young," said Severus, irritated, "She's only nineteen. She's yet to have her child, and yet to marry. She hasn't lost most of her friends. She hasn't even lost her father yet. She's still more or a child than a grown woman, though I'm sure she disagrees with me on this."

"True," said Dumbledore wistfully, "- she experienced more during the last two years of her life than a lot of people experience in a lifetime. She had to grow up so fast."

"I wouldn't know about that," said Severus, rather bitterly. He had not spoken with Lily after she had married James Potter and given birth to his son. He'd only known Lily as the girl she was, not as the woman she had grown up to be.

"I hope this doesn't mean that our deal is off, Severus?" asked Dumbledore warily.

"What do you mean?" asked Severus, frowning.

"Well, she's alive, and she's here with you. You've finally got all you ever wanted. No-one could stop you if you decided to grab her and run away to Fiji."

Severus sneered.

"You expect me to betray you because of this? Fifteen years of blind obedience - no questions asked - and you still doubt me. Do you really think that she's the only reason I'm doing this?"

"I'm not sure, Severus," replied Dumbledore nonchalantly, "all I know is what you've told me, and I vividly recall you stating that you care about nothing else but protecting Lily Potter's son, and that you're doing so for her sake alone. This is the case, is it not, or have you developed other excuses for acting like a hero? Sense of duty, honour, love for your fellow people, perhaps? Or could it be that you've simply become a better man than you admit being?"

_Ha. Touché. _Severus had never understood why Dumbledore took such interest in trying to save his wasted soul. Perhaps he would consider it a personal victory if he finally succeeded at guiding the most wretched person he knew to the light – to the happy little party of Dumbledore's other proteges, all of who blindly worshipped him as a god among men. Now he had had Severus cornered, forcing him to declare himself either a deceitful coward or a noble hero, ready to take the credit for the latter.

Nevertheless, whether Dumbledore was right about him having a good heart or not, Severus was not going to give him the pleasure of seeing him admit defeat. There was nothing that irritated Severus more than seeing that familiar twinkle appear in Dumbledore's eyes.

"You know you can't keep her," said Dumbledore seriously.

"She's not a lost cat. I'm not in any position to "keep" her, whatever that may suggest."

"You know what I meant, Severus. We both know fairly well that you can't be rational when it comes to her. When the time comes, you need to let her go."

"And let her die on her own?" Severus stared outside the window into the dark night, beyond where his eyes could see.

"She's needed for greater things than your personal delight," said Dumbledore in a sharp tone that made his voice sound unfamiliar.

"I don't want her for myself!" argued Severus hotly, "I want her to live, and to be safe, and to be well. That's all, and I'm not going to negotiate about her fate with a canvas!"

"Do not lie to yourself, Severus, and especially not to me," Dumbledore said flatly, "It is time you draw a line between what's best for you, and what's best for all. I say this with all due respect and care, Severus. Even if she starts returning your affections, you can't have her. That would mean destruction beyond your wildest imagination. I know you believe you're only acting in favour of her, but the greatest favour you can ever grant her is letting her go so that she may fulfill her destiny."

"I see. All in the favour of the greater good, am I correct?" Severus replied venomously, taking his cloak and throwing it angrily over the painting, "Good night, Dumbledore!"

"We're not finished with this, Severus!" came Dumbledore's muffled voice through the cloak, but Severus was no longer listening.

* * *

Back in the kitchen, Lily had fixed herself a cup of tea. She gave Severus an aloof, enigmatic look when he entered the room. Severus could not tell whether she was still angry with him.

"Is Dumbledore still there?" she asked.

"No. He had to leave," said Severus gloomily, "Are you content with what he told you?"

"In certain respect. I do believe you now," said Lily haughtily, "- but I'm still not through with this. I can't believe that you actually went on and joined the Death Eaters! And I had so much faith in you!"

"_Faith in me_?" said Severus, "You had a peculiar way of showing it. You completely abandoned me!"

"And that drove you straight into You-Know-Who's arms?" she said sarcastically, "Because I wasn't there to tell you what to do? Oh come on, Sev! I'm not your mother, and, on the contrary of how it sometimes seems, you're not a complete imbecile! You shouldn't need my guidance to know better than to do something so unbelievably stupid."

"I had no other choice!" roared Severus.

"Yes, you did!" Lily insisted, "You could have tried _not_ doing it! Just look at me - I'm _not joining the Death Eaters_ as we speak! See? It's not as hard as you're cracking it up to be."

"If you knew what my life was like back then, you'd know that it was the only alternative I had at the time," Severus hissed.

"Alternative to what?" shouted Lily.

"Everything! Alternative to being totally alone. Alternative to not surviving. Alternative to being weak, and an outcast, and despised, and kicked to the ground, and..."

Severus choked in his own words, when he suddenly realized how pointless it was to try to justify his past behaviour to her. Twenty years earlier, when Lily had still lived and Severus had just joined Voldemort, he had often imagined confronting Lily and explaining her why he was doing the things he did, hoping that she would regret that she ever left him alone. However, ever since Lily had died he had done nothing but regretted his decision to become a Death Eater. He had spent countless hours dreaming of having one last chance to see Lily, and using that chance to apologize her. Why would he defend his actions now, knowing that he had been absolutely and thoroughly wrong all along?

"You're right," he said, cooling down, "I was young and stupid, and I made a terrible mistake. It was not your fault. There's no way I can justify my actions. I can only regret, and beg you to forgive me."

Lily widened her eyes, surprised. She looked like she had expected a stormy argument, and seemed almost disappointed to get her way so easily.

"No, I'm sorry as well," she said apologetically, shaking her head, "I'm being too hard on you. I'm forgetting how long ago it's been for you. Dumbledore told me that you've been very brave, and that you're not the same person you were back then."

"So am I forgiven?" asked Severus.

Lily gave him a hesitant look.

"Yes," she said heavily, but her voice was ridden with doubt, "- but I'm not going to lie to you and claim that everything is fine now. I need some time to think about this."

"Of course."

They exchanged nervous smiles.

"So," Lily began, "Are there any other shocking revelations I should hear about?"

"It depends. What would you like to know?" replied Severus.

"Absolutely everything."


	9. Oblivious to the Obvious

For the next few hours, Severus answered all the remaining questions Lily had about the years between the present day and the night she had fallen through her rabbit hole into Severus's time. She asked about her friends, family members, and famous people of the wizarding world, and most of the time it was Severus's unfortunate duty to deliver her solely bad news. So many of them had fallen in the war. Severus also gave her a brief summary of the last twenty years of his own life, though yet again carefully excluding the truth about his desperate, infinite, unrequited love for her, which had been the driving force behind many of the most important choices and changes in his life.

It was not easy for either one of them, but Lily took it all in as calmly as she could. She claimed that she refused to cry another tear for something that – as she insisted – was never to become reality. Every now and then, however, she had to bite her lip, or take a deep, soothing breath, as though to keep herself from screaming or getting sick on the floor. By the time she became too weary to ask any more questions, she looked like she had aged sixty years in mere two hours.

"None of that matters, because none of that is going to happen. I'm going back, and I'm going to make sure that everything will turn out alright," she stated firmly, clenching her hands into fists. Perhaps that was her method of coping – declaring that the reality of the future was nothing more than speculation, and that she was determined to change the fate of the world single-handedly. Had Severus's first and foremost interest not been sparing Lily's bruised heart, he might have acted like his usual insensitive self and pointed out that she was most evidently in serious denial.

Severus felt an aching desire to comfort her, but he did not have the faintest clue what to say or do to ease her pain. What could have he possibly said to make her feel any better after delivering her such crushing news? Afraid that any attempt to cheer her up would only end up in a disaster, Severus chose to simply sit still and gaze awkwardly at his shoes, cursing himself for not knowing the right words to comfort her, until she finally ended the silence with another question.

"So, since you're a Professor at Hogwarts... I suppose you know him?" said Lily, trying to mask the fear in her voice with nonchalance.

"Who?" asked Severus.

"You know... " Lily shrugged stiffly, "My son."

_Oh. Him_.

Severus had been expecting her to bring up Potter, but for some reason Lily had not even mentioned him earlier. In fact, it had seemed as though she had consciously tried to avoid talking about her son. Every time their conversation threatened to stray to Harry Potter, she quickly changed the subject and asked about something else instead. Severus found this strange and uncharacteristic of her, but he did not exactly mind – he never minded _not_ talking about either one of the Potter men.

"Yes. Of course I have," replied Severus.

"Is he all right?" she inquired timidly, "Alive? Safe?"

"Yes, I believe so," replied Severus, "These are difficult and dangerous times, but he is not without powerful and loyal friends."

"You included?" she asked, gazing at him with a fragile look in her eyes.

Damn those eyes. Severus was a true artist when it came to lying to people's faces, and yet all it took was a single doe-eyed look from Lily to make him instantly lose his cool. It was virtually impossible for him to conceal anything when she looked at him like that – which was why it still amazed him that she had apparently never figured out that his wasted, worthless heart had belonged to her since the day they had met. Severus was _not_ a friend of Harry Potter, and he knew that he would not be able to lie about it to Lily, should she ever ask him about his relationship to her son directly.

"I've sworn to protect him," he said uneasily, phrasing his reply very carefully, "- and I'm doing my best to help him. As far as I know, he's doing rather fine on his own."

Lily's shoulders – which, Severus now realized, had been very tense – descended, and she let out a long sigh of relief.

"What is he like?" came her next question. This time she was not even trying to disguise her burning curiosity. Her distractively beautiful green eyes had brightened, and they were fixed so intensively on Severus that his pulse suddenly picked up speed.

What was Harry Potter like? _Arrogant. Boastful. Totally full of himself, just like his insufferable father. _A stream of negative adjectives flooded immediately into Severus's mind, but luckily they never came out of his mouth. He desperately tried to come up with something nice to say about the boy, but all positive words escaped him the second he thought about James Potter's son. To have Severus Snape utter a compliment about Harry Potter would have probably caused the time space continuum to undo itself.

"He has your eyes," he said at last. That was as much he could say to Potter's credit without wincing.

"He has my eyes..." repeated Lily meditatively, with a misty look in her half closed eyes. She was a mesmerizing sight when she got caught up in deep contemplation like that. A faint of a sad smile crept on Severus's lips when memories of old times filled his mind. He remembered how he had used to stare at her for ages whenever she got so wrapped up in something that she became completely oblivious to his presence, for it had only been then when he had dared to stare at her openly.

"Strange... I keep trying to picture what he looks like, but no matter how I try, my imagination refuses to give any shape to him," Lily began, "It's like he's an abstraction, something my mind just can't get a grasp of. I just find it so bizzarre... the general idea that he exists, lives, and breathes, right here in this world."

"I'm sure he would think the same way about you right now," replied Severus. A soft smile lit up Lily's face for a brief moment, but it came and went away like a wave.

"It's funny..." she continued dreamily, "I've dreamed of having a child ever since I stopped being a child myself, but I always set those vague dreams of motherhood somewhere in the distant, foggy future that's still too far ahead for me to even think about it. I would have never expected it all to come true so soon, faster than I could have ever imagined. I certainly didn't plan to start raising a family of my own so young, especially not in the middle of a raging war I'm keenly involved in. There was so much I intended to do before settling down. I never planned to get married so young either, unless of course..."

All of a sudden, her eyes widened.

"_Oh_," said she knowingly, "- so it was one of _those_ marriages. That would explain the hurry."

"Still, it's strange that I married him so soon," mused Lily, "Ever since we moved in together, he's kept on implying that he intends to marry me very soon. Somehow, it makes me nervous. It's not that I don't love him, or that I _never_ want to marry him, but I'm still not sure whether I'm ready for it just yet. We're still so young, and I'd prefer to advance slowly to see how we get along before taking such a huge step, and making a lifelong commitment. I've been very paranoid about this lately. I keep fearing that he proposes to me every time he kneels down to pick up something from the floor, because I have no idea how to turn him down without pushing him away."

She sighed wistfully, leaning her chin against her hand, "Suppose you happen to know anything about that, Sev? Loving somebody from the bottom of your heart, and still being too scared to take that final step?"

"No," croaked Severus, "I wouldn't know anything about that."

_Anyone_ could had told that Severus was lying – anyone except Lily, who was luckily too distracted by her own thoughts to pay attention to him.

"I don't even know why I'm getting cold feet," Lily continued, "James is funny, and sweet, and wonderful, and I love him. I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't be deliriously happy with him. I am happy with him already. Why would marriage suddenly change the way we are now?"

Lily glanced at Severus, and then fluttered her eyelids rapidly, snapping out of the little trance she had fallen into during her musings. She had noticed that Severus clearly disliked the turn their conversation had taken. He could not help the look on his face - the mere sound of James Potter's name always made him sneer reflexively, as though a pile of owl droppings had just been placed strategically under his nose.

"I'm sorry, Sev," said Lily apologetically, "I can see that this topic makes you feel awkward. You're not exactly the target audience for this particular lament, since you and James couldn't tolerate each other. I know that you'd rather just invent new creative ways of saying that he's a blithering idiot, like we used to do back in the good old days."

"It would be _nice_, yet tremendously dishonest of me to say that I wouldn't prefer that," Severus replied bleakly.

Lily gave a snort, "Well, that's an eloquent way of saying that you'd like to spend an afternoon dunking his head in a barrel of fish guts and sing a happy song. Let's just leave it at that – I don't want to start another fight over this one. Anyways, this is not the time to talk about the many aspects of my exciting love life. There are more important things we direly need to discuss, such as how the hell did I get here, and how on earth am I going to get back to where I came from."

"I know," said Severus, relieved that Lily had finally changed the subject, "I've been wondering the same thing. I admit that my knowledge of time magic is limited, but I do know that no witch nor a wizard has ever managed to travel to the future. I've browsed through several books dealing with the subject, and they all seem to agree on the theory that traveling to the future is supposedly impossible."

"Well, I bet you can now name a few textbooks which ought to be corrected," said Lily slyly, "As fascinating it is to be the accidental pioneer of this particular field of magic, my interest in staying here for further empiric research doesn't exceed my will to go back to my own time as soon as I can. Surely that's possible? Wizards have traveled in the past before, haven't they?"

"Yes, but only by hours, not by years," said Severus, "All the time-turners in the world couldn't take you as far as you need to go. Furthermore, the wizarding world is yet to develop a complex theory about the way time-travel works. There simply doesn't seem to be any logic to how and why some wizards manage to travel in time in the first place, and why others can't. Some people claim that time-travel works completely randomly, and other believe that it has something to do with fate – that destiny arranges certain wizards to go turn back in time to prevent something that should have never happened."

"So, my choices are narrowed down to dumb luck and destiny? Brilliant!" said Lily cynically, raising her eyebrow, "Either way, getting here clearly had something to do with that archway I stumbled upon at the Department of Mysteries. I don't know how it happened, but I ended up here after I fell through it. The connection couldn't be more obvious. Still, that archway can't simply be a convenient passageway through time, can it? If it was, why wouldn't anyone know about it, or use it? It looked like nobody had been in that room for decades, and I don't believe for a second that they would let something that remarkable just gather dust in a forgotten room when there's a war going on. There's got to be a catch to this. I need to go back there and take a closer look at it."

"No!" said Severus firmly, "The Ministry is crowded with Dementors and Death Eaters. It's a miracle that you walked out of there alive in the first place."

"I don't care!" shouted Lily, "The key to this whole mystery lies in that room, and I'm going to find out what it is. How am I supposed to find a way back home if I don't even understand how I got here to begin with?"

"Lily, In case you haven't realized, there isn't an invisible armour around you protecting you from all the evil in the world. You may think that you can just walk into that building at take down the Dark Lord's entire army single-handedly, but _trust me_ – it's going to take much more than just blind courage and willpower to do that."

"Fine," replied Lily, folding her arms ,"Any better suggestions?"

"Let me do it for you," said Severus, "I am a very influential man among the Death Eaters. I could talk my way in the Department of Mysteries, and find out what the Ministry knows about that archway. The Ministry has been an utter mess since the Dark Lord took over, so it shouldn't be too difficult for me to get all the information I need without drawing too much attention to myself. They would not suspect a thing."

"And what should I do in the meantime?"

"Stay here. Live. Right now, my home is the safest place there is. They trust me, so they have no reason to come here without my permission. You can easily hide here as long as you need to. I have to go back to Hogwarts in a few days, but I can visit you often – every night, if you want me to. I'd provide you with everything you need, and help you find out what brought you here."

"Very well," said Lily with a shrug, "We'll do that. Sounds like the most sophisticated plan we could compose at the moment."

"Then it's settled. I'll visit the Ministry tomorrow."

"Good. Thanks, Severus. For everything," Lily murmured.

"You're welcome," said he.

There was a long pause, during which Severus stretched his sore muscles, and Lily's mind drifted elsewhere. Severus had barely slept since meeting Lily, and the lack of sleep was finally starting to get to him. He excused himself and made his way to the spare room he had last used when Voldemort had told him to take care of the fugitive Peter Pettigrew roughly a year earlier. Severus had avoided the room since, because it reminded him of Pettigrew and those frustrating weeks Severus had been ordered to host him as a guest. It had felt excruciating to be forced to share his home with the man who was responsible of the death of the love of his life, and not being allowed to murder him in his sleep. Still, he would have to spend the next few nights in the cursed guest room anyways, for he had already allowed Lily to take over his own bedroom.

"The things I do for you..." he muttered to himself, while unbuttoning his shirt.

"Sev?"

He nearly screamed. Lily had entered the room so quietly that he did not realize that she had followed him, until she had called out his name.

"Yes? What?" he sputtered, buttoning up his shirt nervously.

"I was just wondering... Which one do you think it is?" asked Lily. She was leaning her back against the door frame with her arms folded, looking pensive.

"What do you mean?"

"The reason I got here. The force which rules this all. The hand that spins the thread. The hamster running in the wheel. What is it? This all seemed rather incidental to me at first, but now that I think of it, don't you find it strange that I happened to stumble upon this particular time, and that I just randomly ran into you, out of all the people in the world? I've never believed in destiny, but this is beginning to feel a little bit too convenient to be just a miraculous set of coincidences. I'm tempted to start believing that there is a greater meaning behind all this. So which one of the famous theories of time-travel do you believe in? Is this pure chance, serendipity, or fate?"

"I don't know, Lily," replied Severus. There was a kind of ecstasy about getting to pronounce _her_ name while looking into _her_ eyes, "- but when you discover which it is, thank it for me."

Lily cracked a confused smile, and Severus could tell that she yet again misinterpreted the look in his eyes, passing it off as something much milder than the mad passion it actually was.

"Sweet dreams, Sev," she said before closing the door, "I'm going to raid your kitchen to find something to stuff myself with, and I'm leaving no survivors. My gut just reminded me how long it's been since my last proper meal."

A rarely seen euphoric smile paraded on Severus's lips for several minutes onwards. It wasn't soon after when he finally fell into uninterrupted sleep, having the most restful night he had had in months.


	10. Square Two

The next morning, Lily woke up to discover that she was alone in the house. She called out Severus's name several times and went through all the rooms, but there was no sight of him. Eventually, she found a note on the kitchen table, written in his neat handwriting.

_Lily,_ it said, _I've gone to the Ministry of Magic, as I promised. Make yourself at home. There's food in the kitchen, fresh towels and sheets in the bathroom cabinets, and some clean clothes in the cupboard under the stairs. Everything under this roof is yours. I'll come back before nightfall. Don't go outside – it would not be safe. Severus. _

Lily folded the note in half and flipped it back on the table, absent-minded. _Clean clothes_, she mused. So he had noticed the stench, too? She had been wearing the same outfit since she had arrived, and her dress had started to smell – no mention of her undergarments. Now that the initial panic was finally starting to wear off, she was getting more and more aware of all the things she had been neglecting for the past three days – such as sleep, nourishment, and personal hygiene – and she finally rediscovered the will and the strength to pull herself back together.

She spent the first hour of her day soaking in a hot bath, which did miracles to the smell, but nothing to the painful tension in her neck. It was impossible for her to relax, knowing how much she needed to do before all would be well. She sunk deeper beneath the surface of the warm water and dozed off for a moment, dreaming that she was alone at the open sea, with no sight of land in the horizon, feeling how an underwater voyd was trying to pull her deeper under the waves.

Next, Lily raided the cupboard Severus had mentioned in his note in search of some spare clothes. She discovered a lovely collection of black, black, and black gowns and dresses, which evidently had once belonged to Severus's late mother, Eileen. Lily could barely fit into any of the clothes, as they had clearly been tailored for someone much taller and skinnier than her. After a long and an exhausting search, she finally found a slinky dress she could wear without having to quit oxygen, and settled for it. The dress might have looked decent – perhaps even elegant – when worn by the mysterious heroine of a Gothic horror story, or by Lady Macbeth, or by a female version of Severus – the mental image had her laughing out loud for the first time in days – but it looked absolutely ghastly on Lily. The dress was simply too dark, too serious, too tight, and too formal for someone like her. Still, it had to do – it was either that, or the tough choice between nudity and the inability to breathe.

Hours passed, with no sign or word of Severus. Lily kept her nervous mind and fidgeting body busy by wandering around in Eileen Snape's old dress like the restless ghost of the former mistress of the house, taking a closer look at the interior of the house she knew so well from the outside, but which she had seldom visited. Growing up, Severus had never been comfortable with showing her how he lived, and Lily knew exactly why – his parents' marriage was at ruins, and their home had turned into an emotional battlefield. Neither his parents knew, or cared, how heavy the hatred the air of the house was thick of would feel on the heart of their only son. From early age, he had started to violently reject everything that reminded him of his unhappy family. That was probably the main reason why Severus had always wanted to go away – away from the house, away from his parents, away from his roots, away from himself. Away, higher, further, deeper. That was where his road was always leading – to the extreme of all places. What he was doing in this same old house twenty years after he swore to flee, Lily could not understand.

Nevertheless, the house looked quite comfortable from the inside – certainly much nicer than it had used to look. Severus had clearly changed the interior a little bit to suit his tastes, though the place remained under-furnished and similar in colour scheme. It still had certain bleakness to it, but there was also something elegant and charming to it. Somehow, Lily liked it – she even liked the peeling paint, the rips in the tapestries, and the cracks on the ceiling, as much as she liked the dusty old books in the bookshelves in the living room, the antique potion kit he had on display in the study, or the little magical herb garden he had set up in the corner of his kitchen. Some people surround themselves with beautiful little things, but Severus was not one of them. He surrounded himself with things that fascinated him – which, at least in Lily's eyes, had beauty of their own special kind.

Around six o'clock in the evening - when Lily had gotten so absorbed in studying the little details of the house that she completely forgot that she was in the middle of anxious waiting – Severus finally returned. She could hear him calling her name from the front door, so she rushed to him, meeting him on the platform halfway down the stairs. He looked extremely relieved to see her, as though he had expected to find her dead or gone when he returned. However, the relieved smile on his face quickly faded away, when he suddenly noticed what she was wearing.

"Well?" asked Lily impatiently, tossing her hands on her hips.

"It looks nice on you," he replied, sounding perfectly sincere. Lily frowned.

"I mean what happened at the Ministry," she rephrased her question.

"Like I said, the Ministry is a mess," said Severus, shaking his head to gain his senses, "They've captured or killed most of the original staff, and put the rest under the Imperius curse. Needless to say, there are less brain cells than there are people currently operating at the entire building. They've invested so much of their time and energy into detecting and eliminating Muggle-borns and sympathizers that they completely neglect to protect themselves from silent attacks coming from the within. I was able to come and go as I wished, and no-one seemed to be suspicious of my questions concerning the Department of Mysteries. They believed all my lies simply because of my fame, and my high rank."

"I can buy that. Death Eaters have never struck me as a particularly bright lot," said Lily. She would not tell him, but it still bothered her immensely to think of Severus as a high-ranking Death Eater, even as a redeemed one, "Tell me, what did you find out?"

"Only the following," Severus began, "This is all I got from the archives of the Department of Mysteries. The archway is the last remaining part of the ruins of an ancient druid temple, which used to lie on the very same lot the Ministry was later build on. It is believed that the temple was built roughly two thousand years ago, when the Roman army invaded Britain, but it was burnt down a few centuries later during the viking invasion. All the druids were either killed or driven away, and they took most of their secrets with them. The Ministry of Magic was eventually built on the ruins of the old temple, but the archway was never torn down, when it was discovered that the archway was much more than what it appeared. Apparently, it brings death to anyone who walks through it, and some even claim that one can hear strange whispers coming from the other side of it. It was - and it still is - believed that the archway is cursed, or sacred, and either way nobody has dared to remove a single brick from it. Nobody still knows what the archway really is, or what the druids used it for."

"But I walked through it, and I didn't die," said Lily, "Is this the answer, then? Walking through the archway doesn't kill you, but instead takes you through time!"

Severus weighed her words, but then shook his head.

"No. I don't think so. It does kill. It _should_ kill. I don't know why you survived."

"How do you know?" Lily insisted, "Maybe people who have walked or fallen through it are just lost in a different time, like me."

"Because I can name someone who fell through the archway and died", said Severus darkly, "You know him as well."

"Who?" asked Lily timidly, already dreading the answer.

"Sirius Black."

Severus gave Lily a brief yet thorough description of the night Sirius had died – how he had been dueling Bellatrix Lestrange, and how Bellatrix had caught him with a stunning spell, which had made him fall backwards and through the archway, never to be seen again. Severus had not been present when this had happened, but he knew the story well enough to have no doubts that falling through the archway had indeed finished Sirius off, and not Bellatrix's curse.

The story silenced Lily for several minutes. She tried to swallow to get rid of the dry feeling inside her throat, but it would not go away. She already knew about Sirius's fate – it had been among the first things she had asked Severus the night before – but it was a whole different story to hear that he had died in battle than it was to hear _how_ he had died in that battle. With one little spell, and one fatal fall. A human life, and a wonderful man, gone within seconds.

_It doesn't matter_, she told herself, once again, _I will rescue you, Sirius. Never fear. I will rescue all of you. Just give me time, and I'll think of something._

"Then what is this all about?" she sighed, disillusioned, "Why did the archway take Sirius's life, and spare mine? I didn't do or say anything special. I just walked through it. Why him, but not me?"

"I don't know. It could have been something you did without noticing. How you did it. When you did it. Who you were. It could have been the colour of your socks. It could have been absolutely anything."

How strange, Lily thought, that the line separating death from opportunity should be so fine.

"Well riddle me this, and riddle me that. Why does magic always have to be so devious? I suppose it's my job to start narrowing down those options, then," she said, fiercely determined to solve the puzzle she had gotten trapped in, "Sev, I need every single book that has ever been written about druid magic. Doable?"

Severus gave a neutral shrug.

"I have a full access to the Hogwarts library, and I'm going back there tomorrow morning. I'll bring you anything you need when I return."

"Excellent!" replied Lily triumphantly, "I could kiss you, Severus!"

But she didn't. Instead, she climbed up the stairs and disappeared into the bedroom, humming a victorious tune for her own amusement, completely unaware of just how long Severus kept on standing where she had left him until he finally gave up on the hope of actually getting that kiss.


	11. Isla

(A/N: aka. The Fic That Just Won't Stay Dead!)

* * *

Weeks passed, and Severus and Lily's lives returned to normal – in the loosest possible sense of the word. Lily got used to waking up in a strange bed, Severus finally stopped suspecting that Lily was just a dream or a hallucination, and they both started creating new daily routines around their peculiar lives. Eventually, they got so used to the situation that they simply forgot how outrageously bizarre their whole arrangement fundamentally was, as though it was the only kind of life they had ever even known.

When the holidays ended, Severus returned to Hogwarts with yet another enormous secret to protect, turning his old double life into an exhausting triple life. He had a public life, a secret life, and a real life. It was easy to determine which one of his life was the public one, but he wasn't all that sure which one of his other lives was more real. His rational side said that life with Lily was just a dream, and that his harsh life as Dumbledore's lone secret agent was reality, and yet his gut kept reminding him that he only felt truly alive when he was with Lily. With Lily, he could put down his guard and be himself, instead of having to wear a mask and play a role like he had to do everywhere else.

Lily spent her days reading, first with manic enthusiasm and later with manic desperation, devouring all the information she found about everything that might have helped her solve the mystery of the veiled archway. Soon, she knew almost everything there as to know about druids, time-travel, and the history of the Departement of Mysteries, and she still didn't have the slightest clue about what had happened to her. The answers simply didn't seem to exist. She grew more and more frustrated with every wasted day, thinking that she had been stupid to ever believe that she could find a solution to such a complicated problem.

Cabin fever contributed nothing but more anxiety to her situation. After spending many weeks trapped inside, she began to miss the smell of fresh air, sunlight, and the company of non-imaginary people. Severus visited her as often as he could, dropping by a few times a week to bring her things she needed from groceries to books, but his visits were always too brief to fully satisfy her crave for human interaction. As comfortable as Severus's home was, she soon grew so sick of the place that she could have given her right kidney for a chance to go out – which Severus had strictly forbidden for her own safety. She felt like a caged bird.

Severus, on the other hand, was insanely happy – at least on his own standards. He could not recall another time within the past twenty years when there had been something in his life he looked forward to almost every day. It felt strange and wonderful to have hope in his life after so many years of bitterness and despair. It was like someone had finally switched on the lights in the pitch-black pot of darkness he called his life. He smiled more often, slept well, and paid attention to the little things in his life he had barely noticed before, like how beautiful the snowy Forbidden Forest looked, or how good his wine tasted. One day, he even caught himself humming a happy tune when he climbed up the stairs to his office, knowing that he would see Lily later that night.

And still, two little voices kept screaming inside his head, trying to catch his attention through the cloud of euphoria that had completely fogged his consciousness. The first voice kept reminding him of all the things he had blissfully forgotten when Lily had arrived and turned his world upside down. The voice warned him not to be distracted by this unexpected stroke of luck, and urged him to keep his focus on Voldemort, Harry Potter, and the students he had vowed to protect. As much as it killed him to admit it, Dumbledore had been right. Lily was the most important thing in his life, but it was not all about her after all, as he had once believed. He realized that, for some odd reason, he genuinely did care about ending the war and saving the children of Hogwarts, even if the the ungrateful little buggers did despise him.

The other voice in his head kept repeating the truth he refused to confront: _this cannot go on forever_. Lily would not live under his roof for the rest of her life. Sooner or later, either one of them would depart. Maybe Lily would miraculously find a way to return her own time. Maybe Voldemort would finally discover that Severus had betrayed him. Maybe Potter would defeat Voldemort, and murder Severus before he could explain whose side he was really on. Severus could imagine himself a dozen different futures, but none of them were happy – at least not for him. Whatever happened, he would still have to let Lily go. And what was he going to do then?

Severus had often imagined what he would have done had he been granted a second chance with Lily. He had fantasized about finally getting to tell her how he felt like he should have done eons ago, but now that the opportunity had unexpectedly arrived, he had simply choked. All the experience, confidence, wisdom, and courage he had gained over the years meant absolutely nothing when he tried to bring himself to do say a few simple words to her. It was as though he was an awkward fifteen-year-old again, and Lily was somewhere miles and miles above him, floating majestically among the moon and the stars, way beyond the reach of his filthy, soiled hands. How could he ever earn her love, being as rotten as he was? The mere idea was downright absurd. It seemed that he was doomed to adore and worship her from afar, even when she was only inches away.

* * *

It was one those boring afternoons when Lily had no longer the patience, nor the strength, nor the will to re-re-re-re-reread _Druids: A__History of the Ancient Wizard Cultures of Britain_ by Nimue Bodmall, or _The Brief History Time-Travel_ by Stephanus Madden, or any of the other books she had already read over and over again in an attempt to unravel the mystery of the archway. She already knew that the druids were ancient Celtic wizards who lived in peace and harmony with Muggles, and that the druids had respected nature enormously, and that the druids knew more about the magical qualities of the moon and the sun than modern wizards did, but she still didn't know how any of it related to her situation. The books about time-travel weren't helping, either, since the only thing all the different theories about time-travel seemed to agree on was that traveling into the future was supposedly impossible.

Bored and utterly frustrated, she tossed her books angrily away and began to wander around the house aimlessly. Then, for now particular reason, she ended up in the bedroom and started opening up all the closets and drawers to see if she could find something to entertain herself with. She did not feel like she was snooping around, until she found a seemingly misplaced copy of Charlotte Brontë's _Jane Eyre_ in a drawer which contained mostly odd socks and old underwear. Curious, Lily picked it up and opened it, discovering a little note tucked between the first two pages.

_My darling Severus, _the note said.

_This book has always made me think of you. I hope that from now on, it will make you think of me._

_Yours forever, _

_Isla_

"Isla?" she said out loud, wrinkling her nose and sticking out her tongue, as though she had just tasted something rotten, "Who's Isla?"

Who was Isla? The name didn't sound familiar, but the flirty tone suggested that she was someone to whom Severus was more than just a friend. A girlfriend, perhaps, or just a not-so-secret admirerer? Obviously someone who wanted to play Jane Eyre to his Edward Rochester. Either way, why had Severus never told Lily about her?

She put the book back to the drawer, suspecting that Severus had hidden it on purpose, but she couldn't get the mysterious Isla out of her mind. She thought about asking Severus about the note, but then she remembered how she had found the book in the first place – she had been snooping around, which the ever-so-secretive Severus surely wouldn't have appreciated.

"_My darling Severus.._." she grumbled under her breath in disgust, feeling like something had been stolen from her. What a tasteless way to start a letter. Who had given Isla the right to say gooey things like "yours forever" to Severus anyways? If anyone had the right to figuratively claim ownership over Severus, it should have been Lily. After all, she had been his only friend since childhood, and knew him better than anyone else did – surely better than this Isla woman, whoever she was.

_Oh, shut up, you, _she scolded herself mentally, _you don't own him, he's not your pet. He's a grown man, and he can have as many lady friends as he wants._ Severus had the right to be happy, and Lily should have been even happier to see him happy with someone else. They should have all been ridiculously happy!

Then why did it bother her?

Lily had never been faced with the thought that someday she might lose Severus to someone else. There was something wonderfully exclusive about their friendship. She and Severus had had their own secrets and jokes no-one else had understood, since they had never had any mutual friends to share them with. If Severus had had feelings for any girl at Hogwarts, he had never told her about it. He never had a girlfriend, as far as Lily knew, and he had never been popular. She had never had any reason to be jealous, because she had never had to share Severus with anyone – save for Mulciber and the rest of his Slytherin friends, but they didn't count because Lily knew very well that Severus wasn't too close with any of them.

But now there was the possibility called Isla, and suddenly Lily felt like there was a wide gap between her and Severus. Somehow, it distressed her to think that Severus might have had someone in his life who had known him even more thoroughly than Lily had ever known him. She found herself asking herself stupid questions about the woman she didn't even know. Did Severus tell Isla things he never told Lily? Were they as close as he and Lily had been, or perhaps even closer? Could Isla make him smile and laugh, and did she understand him like Lily did?

It was silly, really. Of course Severus could have someone to love. How was that even a problem? After all, she had James, and she never told him the same things she told Severus. James would never take Severus's place in Lily's heart, so why should have she been afraid that Isla would overthrow her?

Either way, curiosity was driving her crazy, so that night when Severus came by, she had prepared a fiendish plan to discover the truth about Isla without having to tell Severus that she had gone through his things without a permission.

"Hey, Sev, have you ever been married?"

Severus glanced at her over the copy of Daily Prophet he had been reading. First, he raised his eyebrows, then he frowned, and finally rolled his eyes, displaying utmost contempt towards her question before he had uttered a single word.

"If I had a wife," he began very slowly, "- wouldn't I have mentioned her in the passing during these past few weeks?"

"I don't know. Why not? You never talk to me about these sort of things. In a way, that's kind of unfair. You know absolutely everything about me and my social life, but I don't even know who was your first kiss."

"The difference here, you see, if that I've never ask you to tell me about your exciting love life. It's always been more of a case of being helplessly subjected to it against my own will," replied Severus. A hint of a devilish smile was parading around his lips.

"True", admitted Lily, "- and that only supports my point. Isn't it time for us to even the scores? Come on, Sev, entertain me with all the saucy details!"

"Why is this important?" Severus sighed impatiently, scratching his head.

"Because I'm curious and bored, and as we all know, that can be a dangerous combination," said Lily, "Go on, tell me! Otherwise I'm going to have to just assume that you've lived a sad and a lonely life with many cats, because I don't recall you having a girlfriend back at Hogwarts."

"You're wrong. I did have a girlfriend back at Hogwarts. In fact, I had two," Severus murmured, still pretending that he was actually reading his paper.

"What? You did?" Lily asked in awe, genuinely dumbfounded, "Who? When? And how come I never knew?"

"Maeve Doyle and Fiona Warren," replied Severus, "They were both in Slytherin, fifth-years when we were in our seventh year. You didn't know, because we were not in speaking terms at the moment."

_Ah. So it was in the Period That Shall Not Be Named_, thought Lily. She and Severus were still both carefully avoiding bringing up anything that might have lead to talking about the issues that lead to end of their friendship. The subject was still flammable, and Lily did not want to start a fight right now.

"And you were seeing both of them? At the same time? That's... Wow! That's... athletic," said Lily. She hated the clumsiness of her voice.

"No, not at the same time. Fiona came _after_ Maeve," said he icily, articulating each word very carefully, as though he was talking to a five-year-old, "I know that the rest of Hogwarts always treated me as an outcast, but I was never a reject among the Slytherins. In Slytherin, people respected me. I had power, friends, and influence. Some people are attracted to people of power, even to those who have no other attractive qualities to mention. I know that you must find this terribly unconvincing, but I'm afraid it's the truth."

Lily tried to hide her amazement, because he clearly was not flattered by the fact that she had ignorantly assumed that no girl had ever taken a fancy to him at Hogwarts. Now that she thought about it, she could not tell why she had never even considered the idea that someone could have fallen for Severus. He was, after all, very intelligent, talented, witty, and not even nearly as bad-looking as he clearly thought he was. He was looked rather nice, actually, in a Byronic way, even though he had never been traditionally handsome. Severus was a real jewel, and Lily had always known it. Why wouldn't have anyone else seen how wonderful he was beyond his gloomy exterior?

"I'm sorry," sputtered Lily awkwardly, "I didn't mean that nobody could... I just... well, I suppose I simply assumed that I would have known about you having a girlfriend. I wasn't as oblivious to your prescense as I pretended to be, you know, so I guess I thought I might have noticed something like that."

"I only saw both of those girls very briefly, and it wasn't very, hmm, _public_ with either one of them. They were both giggly, stupid little girls who only wanted me because of my social standing within the Slytherin hierarchy, as though my power and might would rub off on them in physical contact," explained Severus sourly.

"Did they, really?" asked Lily, "Or is this just another way your famous inferiority complex manifests itself? I mean, I don't know either one of those girls, but is it really that hard for you to believe that they honestly wanted you for who you were? You do have your own kind of charm, you know, even though you may not be aware of it yourself."

"No, I'm absolutely certain that they were only interested in me because of my status," said he, but for some reason he seemed to be fighting back a wide smile, "- but thank you," he added quietly.

"So... anyone else?" asked Lily tentatively, "Have there been any other important women in your life? Have you ever been in love?" She desperately wanted to know more about the mysterious Isla.

Severus stared at her solemnly, puzzled, as though he was beginning to realize that Lily was up to something.

"Why do you ask?" said he. His voice was tense.

"No reason," replied Lily with a shrug, but she felt like Severus could see right through her.

A heavy silence filled the room. Severus was staring at his feet, deep in contemplation. There was no longer a trace of smile on his lips.

"There was someone..." he began quietly.

"Yes?" said Lily, trying to mask her curiosity, and encouraged him to go on with a supportive nod.

"She..." continued Severus, eyes full of hidden secrets he seemed desperate to share, but then he shook his head, "I'd really rather not speak of this..."

"Won't you? It might make you feel better," said Lily. This was it – this _had _to be about Isla!

"She was... _sensational_," said he softly, "Very, very intelligent. Vibrant. Lively. Funny, too. Sublimely beautiful. A bit hot-headed at times, but that was a part of her charm. She always brought out the best in every person she met, even if she had to dig through layers of filth to get to it. That was how good she was. She saw promise in me as well, although I never thought I deserved her compassion."

_I see promise in you, too_, said Lily in her mind, almost jealously, but said nothing, afraid that she might distract him.

"If there's another girl in the world as brilliant as she, I have not met her. I don't believe others like her even exist. She was one of a kind. "

"What happened?" asked Lily cautiously.

"She didn't want me," he replied merely, "She chose someone else. Someone better."

"Well, if you ask me, she made the wrong choice," Lily replied, placing her hand on his, "where is she now?"

There was something he desperately wanted to say – Lily could almost taste it on the tip of her tongue – but he held it in, refusing to reveal everything to her.

"Too far," he replied after a long pause. His voice was very thin. He turned his face away from her, and Lily knew that she had gone as far as she could go. He would not tell her anything else.

"It was Isla, wasn't it?" said Lily, nodding knowingly.

Severus frowned.

"Isla?" said he, sobering up, "No, I'm not talking about Isla! How do you even know about her?"

Lily's ears turned pink.

"I'm sorry, Sev!" she cried out, "I was going through your things, and I accidentally found a book with a tacky love note from someone called Isla, and then I somehow became obsessed with finding out who she was, and I couldn't ask you directly because I didn't want you to know that I had been snooping around. And I wasn't snooping around! I was just bored!"

"Why, Lily, why?" groaned Severus, rubbing his forehead, "Can't I leave you alone for a day without results like this? Do I have to buy you a box of crayons to keep you busy around here?"

"Yes, yes, that was a bad thing to do, and I'm deeply ashamed. So, who is Isla?" insisted Lily.

Severus sighed.

"She was my fiancée."

"_What_?" shrieked Lily, "She's your – _what? _You have a fiancée?"

"_Ex_-fiancée!" replied Severus defensively.

"Same difference!" insisted Lily, deeply offended, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Lily, you _died_ sixteen years ago! You've missed out on a lot!"

"I mean why haven't you even brought her up during these past few weeks? It never even occurred to you that having a bloody fiancée would be worth a mention?"

Severus narrowed his eyes, "Why does it upset you that I once had a fiancée?"

"It doesn't. It offends me that you never bothered to tell me something that important," Lily grumbled, "I've always told you absolutely everything about myself, and you don't say a word to me about your engagement. It's like I don't even matter to you!"

"Of course you do!" roared Severus, "It's just... Well, it's been almost ten years since I last spoke with her. I suppose I just don't think about her anymore. Isla was a woman I was briefly engaged to in my late twenties, but she left me, and I haven't seen her since. That's it. I didn't tell you, because I am simply not used to talking about my private life to anyone."

"I thought I was a part of your private life," said she sadly.

_Why am I sounding like a whiny, jealous girlfriend?_ Lily asked herself. The sensible side of her brain knew very well that Severus had every right to keep his secrets from her, and that he was probably being perfectly honest about having simply forgotten to mention Isla, but something about the whole affair still made her angry for no logical reason. And when Lily was angry, she could not control the things she said.

"I'm sorry. I didn't meant to upset you," said Severus.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm overreacting. I've spent the whole day thinking about who Isla is, and it was hard enough for me to digest the thought of you having a girlfriend, and I didn't even begin to consider the idea that she was you _fiancée_, for Merlin's sake... Let's just leave it at that, shall we? I've already made a fool out of myself."

"I was never really in love with her," said Severus apologetically, "That's why she left me."

"You don't have to apologize me!" said Lily, "I'm the one who's acting crazy, probably because I've been trapped inside this house without enough intellectual stimuli for far too long. I should be happy for you! And I am."

Severus smiled at her coyly, resuming his paper.

"So just to be clear – you've never been married?" Lily asked quickly.

"What? No!"

__

Later that night, Lily laid awake on her bed and stared at the ceiling, still feeling strangely troubled.

She remembered something she had forgotten to ask Severus – if Isla wasn't the woman Severus had been hopelessly in love with, then who was she? Since Severus didn't want to say her name, she must have been someone Lily knew. Maybe Petunia? Oh no, that would have been ridiculous. One of Lily's friends from school, perhaps? Daphne, Sarah, Cathy, Matilda, or Deborah? No, Lily would have noticed. Hopefully not one of those snooty Black sisters everyone seemed to adore? Now that Lily thought about it, she had seen Severus talking to Narcissa Black several times, and sometimes they were even sitting next to each other in the Great Hall. Could it have been her? After all, Narcissa was strikingly beautiful, and hadn't Severus mentioned that she and Lucius Malfoy were now married? Surely she wasn't the one he had loved? _Please, don't let it be her, she's obnoxious! _Lily thought.

Lily tried to imagine Severus with all of their mutual friends, but for some reason none of them seemed right for him. Then she tried to imagine him with fictitious women with all the qualities she expected him to be attracted to, but even all the made-up women seemed wrong for him.

_Oh, that's great, Lily. That's really mature, selfless, and noble, and not the slightest bit conceited_, she thought, laughing at her ridiculous primitive reaction. _You want Severus to be happy with the woman he so adores, but you also crave his undivided attention because you're being childish and possessive, and you don't to share him with anyone. How do you reckon that's going to work out? _


	12. Wine and Sympathy

"O sweet, sweet Severus. If it wasn't for you and your mildly entertaining company, I would have definitely started befriending sock puppets weeks ago."

Lily was lounging on the sofa in a very unsophisticated position, balancing a half-empty glass of wine on her chest. It nearly tipped over when she turned her upper body to face Severus, who had just entered the sitting room.

"Is that a poetic way of stating that you're bored and lonely?" he asked with a smirk while hanging his cloak on the wall.

"And slightly intoxicated," added Lily, raising her glass at him, "The thought I was mostly trying to convey was that I'm feeling like a completely useless waste of oxygen, and that staying inside this blasted house all day long is not good for my mental health. I fear that one of these days I'll just snap and do something to harm my imaginary friends."

"It's a good thing that you've resorted to alcohol instead," Severus replied, and grabbed the half-empty bottle of wine, giving it a sneer before carrying it away into the kitchen, "And how have you been today?"

"Oh, quite well, thank you," replied Lily dispassionately, stretching her arms, "I was awfully bored this morning, but then I discovered your mother's delightfully extensive collection of erotic literature, which kept me moderately entertained for a few hours. Then I went to the zoo, and incidentally ran into You-Know-Who and her majesty the Queen of England, and we all went out for a pint. After that, we decided to have a wild disco-dance party at the Buckingham palace, and everyone was invited."

Severus gave her a long stare. "My mother had an erotic book collection?" asked he, mortified.

"No, Severus, I am, of course, joking," she said with a yawn, "Today, like every other day within the past two and a half months, was precisely like the day before it. I'm serious, Sev. I am going insane here!"

"I agree – this is not an amusement park," replied Severus, rather sourly, "I'm sorry if you're feeling uncomfortably idle here, but I am afraid there is nothing I can do about the situation right now. My life is not easy at the moment, either."

"No, it isn't, but at least you're doing something useful with your time," said Lily, irritated, "Do you want to hear about my usual day? I wake up, and spend the afternoon skimming through books I already know by heart, learning absolutely nothing new – which, by the way, is among the most frustrating things I could imagine wasting my time on. Then I get depressed because I've made no progress, and spend the next few hours soaking in the tub like some dim-witted water-mammal. Then I revise my notes, discovering only that I'm just as clueless as I was weeks ago. For the rest of the day, I just kill time by doing something fantastically useless, like making artistic arrangements out of random objects, or putting all the tomatoes into alphabetical order. And then, at last, you come over, and I get to tell you all about my remarkably uneventful day. I'm sick of repeating these same pointless routines over and over again! Something has to change, or I'm going to lose it for good!"

She finished her wine angrily with one long sip, and threw the empty glass on the coffee table with a loud clatter.

"What do you want me to do, then?" asked Severus, narrowing his dark eyes.

"I want you to help me get into the Department of Mysteries," she said solemnly, "I don't think that the answer I'm looking for can be found in these dusty old books. I need to get back to the site where all this started."

"No," said Severus simply.

"Severus!" Lily cried out anxiously.

"Trust me on this, Lily. It would be a suicide. You know perfectly well that the Ministry is full of Death Eaters and Dementors. You would not get past the front door."

"But you told me yourself that the Ministry is a mess, and that they're not guarding it properly!" Lily insisted, "With your help, I could easily sneak into the Department of Mysteries without anyone noticing. Besides, staying within these four walls with nothing useful to do is much more likely to lead to a suicide than going to the Ministry. Take my word. I can't stand another day of doing nothing."

She briefly imagined what would happen to everyone if she was to fail, and then shook her head furiously to get rid of the terrifying thought.

"What you even expect to find at the Ministry?" asked Severus.

"I don't know," said Lily, and sighed, "Something. Anything! Clues, pointers, reminders. Something to guide my intuition. I just know I need to take another look of that archway. I can hardly remember what it looks like anymore."

Severus raised his chin, and gave her a sharp, cunning look, "Then you have no reason to leave this house. What you need is a Pensieve."

"A Pensieve?" repeated Lily, lifting her eyebrows, "Yes, a Pensieve would be indeed fantastic, but where do you expect me to find one? They're extremely rare and bloody expensive, in case you didn't know. The only one I know who owns one is..."

She paused mid-sentence, looked up at Severus, and snapped her fingers.

"Yes. Dumbledore," Severus finished her thought with a small grin, "It's in the Headmaster's office at Hogwarts. As a matter of fact, I happen to own a Pensieve as well. I have no use for it at the moment, so I could easily give it to you. It might help you recover your lost memories."

"You have a Pensieve?" asked Lily in awe, "But how? Where did you get it?"

"It was a gift from Dumbledore," said Severus, "I don't know where he got it, and I don't know what he was truly trying to gain by giving it to me, but he claimed that he simply wanted to reward my loyality by giving me something he knew I would appreciate. He told me that even though I could never change the past, I would always have the memories of better days."

He glanced quickly at her, looking suddenly startled, as though he had just blurted out something he would have rather kept to himself. Lily couldn't quite understand what exactly were the "better days" he had referred to, since as far as she knew Severus had had a miserable past he preferred not to reminiscence. But then again, she'd already established that there were quite a few things she did not know about Severus.

"It must be very dear to you, then. The Pensieve, I mean," she said, smiling softly, "Dare you trust it into my care? I know how protective you are of things you hold precious, and you know how clumsy I can be. Chances are I accidentally break it."

"It doesn't matter," replied Severus firmly, "What you need is more important than what I want."

Lily's smile widened. There was something tremendously touching about Severus's words – or, rather, about the way he had treated her the entire time she had been in the future. He had been so generous and good to her from the very beginning, risking his life every day to protect her even though he gained nothing out of helping her. Giving the Pensieve to her was definitely not among the greatest sacrifices he had made for her, and he still hadn't demanded anything in return. There weren't enough words in any human language to describe how grateful she was to him.

It wasn't until that moment when it dawned on Lily why she had felt so lonely and restless in the past few years, even though she had had James, and plenty of other close friends. It was because she had been sorely missing Severus. She did not know why, but for some reason she had a special place in her heart that was exclusively reserved for Severus, and Severus alone. He was quite unlike any other friend she had ever had, and _would_ ever have. There were things she could only share with Severus, moods she could express freely only in his prescense, and thoughts she knew no-one else than him could have ever understood. With him gone, she had been forced to hold herself back, and leave too many things unsaid.

"Thank you, Severus," said Lily warmly, and – without much consideration – threw her arms around him, pressing her head gently against his shoulder, "- thanks for everything you've done for me."

Hugging Severus was just like hugging a streetlamp – not only because he was about as tall and lean as one, but also because he stood so still that Lily was beginning to doubt that he was even breathing. It occurred to her right then and there that she had never actually hugged him before. She and Severus had never been touchy-feely with each other, probably because Severus had always an obvious aversion for physical touch. She had remarked that he twitched every time their hands accidentally brushed, as though he received a small electric shock whenever she touched him. He was impossibly wary of his personal space. Still, she lingered persistently in the embrace, until he finally sighed, and wrapped his arms mechanically around her shoulders, as though he wasn't entirely sure what to do with them.

"Ehm, sorry," she said awkwardly, pulling herself away from him, "Wine makes me sentimental, and grabby. I shan't invade your personal space again, I promise."

"No, it's fine," croaked Severus, swallowing hard, and fidgeting nervously like a fifteen-year-old schoolboy, "It's not... If you want to, by all means... I should go back to Hogwarts now."

"Really?" said Lily sadly, and frowned, "Wouldn't stay for an hour or two? I could really use some company. You could help me kill off that bottle."

Severus gazed at her with an odd glimmer in his coal-black eyes, and suddenly looked so endearing that she could have randomly kissed him in her semi-drunken haze, but then he just shook his head, as though to get rid of an uncomfortable thought.

"No. I must leave. Right now," he said, and practically ran to his cloak, "I'll come back tomorrow with that Pensieve."

Lily sighed. She would have loved an evening of wine and conversation, but she knew how difficult it was to tempt Severus to neglect his duties. She did admire and respect his dedication, but she also wished that he would have allowed himself to relax every now and then.

"I really did mean what I said when I thanked you for your help," she said before he left, "You've done so much for me, and there's no way I could ever repay you."

"You don't have to repay me in any way," he replied seriously.

"I know," said Lily, and took his hand gently into hers. She felt him twitch, as usual. "That's the beauty of it. You've helped me just because we're friends, and I would do the same to you in a heartbeat. I'm sorry if I'm being overly sentimental again, but I want you to know how much I value our friendship. As stupid, mad, and destructive we can be when we put our brilliant minds together, I still think that what we have here is something rather extraordinary. And I know this sounds rather silly, considering how wrong everything in my life is at the moment, but I'm kind of glad I ended up here. Otherwise, we would have never had a chance to revive our friendship, and that would have been a terrible loss for both of us."

She smiled at him again, hoping that her smile would catch on to him, but he kept on staring at her with that same odd yet engaging look in his eyes. And then, out of the blue, something bewildering and wondrous happened; Severus leaned towards her, and planted a little kiss on her cheek. It was nothing more than a light peck that lasted no longer than a second, but as a gesture it was quite remarkable, given how reserved and emotionally distant he normally was. The little kiss made her feel warm and fuzzy inside, and her smile grew even more radiant, but Severus still looked strangely serious, and almost sad.

"Good night, Lily," he said merely, looking both exposed and enigmatic at the same time, "I'll see you tomorrow."

And before Lily could say anything is response, he was gone.

Lily fell asleep peacefully that night, soothed by the knowledge that at least one aspect of her chaotic life was now stable. She was proud of Severus, and she was proud of herself, and she truly felt like their friendship was now stronger, steadier, and more emotionally mature than ever before.

Before drifting off, she indulged herself with various similarly idealistic thoughts of how marvellous and strong their friendship was – none of which need to be repeated here, since they were, after all, a complete load of bollocks, considering that not more than a week later everything would change between them for good.


	13. Tick, Tick, Boom

_That was close. Far, far too close._

There was, naturally, nothing urgent Severus had absolutely needed to take care of in the middle of the night, as he had implied to Lily, but he had forced himself to make up an excuse and leave before something potentially disastrous happened – "something disastrous" meaning letting Lily know how he truly felt about her. Tonight, Lily had been – unwittingly, of course – so fiendishly seductive that he had almost lost his mind trying to resist her. It had been absolutely euphoric to hold her near, to breathe in her sweet scent, to feel the curves of her gorgeous body against him, but he knew that it had meant nothing to her. And that was unbearable.

He had been dangerously close to kissing her when she had taken his hand, and gazed at him with such inviting, dewy look in her beautiful green eyes. For a heartbeat, he had mistaken the friendly warmth in her eyes for something deeper, and that was all that it had taken for him to give in to his senses and dive in for a kiss she hadn't asked for. Luckily, fear and doubt had gripped his guts at the very last second, and he had planted the kiss chastely on her cheek, like a brother. She had clearly misinterpreted the kiss as something harmless and completely platonic, which only proved that she truly felt nothing for him. It was painfully obvious that Lily would never love him the way he loved her, and that he could never be more than a good friend to her.

He tortured himself by imagining all the possible consequences that would have occurred, had he broken down and confessed his feelings for her. Either she would have rejected him in disgust, and sworn never to speak to him again, or she would have let him down humiliatingly gently, like putting a miserable, suffering dog into sleep. Either way, she would have said no, their friendship would have been ruined, and he would have probably started contemplating suicide.

He spent his entire sleepless night wondering why all things related to Lily always ended up causing him both pleasure and pain in equal proportions, and whether he would ever find a solution for his problem. He was burning up inside because he wanted _all_ of Lily, and not just her friendship, but demanding anything more of her would have only driven her further away from him. He was making himself sick with lust, and even sicker by desperately trying to stifle it. But he had to hold it all back, because the last thing Lily needed was knowing that an old, ugly, repulsive travesty of a human being like him loved, wanted, and desired her with mad, never-fading passion. The only honourable thing he could have done was to spare her from the truth.

Lily could never, ever find out that he loved her, even if it killed him to keep guarding his painful secret.

* * *

Lily's day had begun fairly well.

She had spent the entire morning going through her memories with the help of the Pensieve, which Severus had brought her earlier that week. She had watched herself go through the archway again and again, until she'd memorized every single detail of the memory, and analyzed each one of her moves. She was yet to figure out the actual cause of her accidental time jump, but still she had a feeling that she was gradually getting closer to a breakthrough. Strangely enough, she felt like she already knew the answer she was seeking, and that all she needed to do was to put all the right pieces together to realize what it was. Thus, she studied harder and harder, barely eating or resting on the side.

"Tell, me, Lily, have you been there since you woke up?" asked Severus, narrowing his eyes. It was past midnight, and Severus had just come by to see her, only to discover her in the study surrounded by stacks of books, bottled memories, and piles of notes. She was covered in paper cuts and ink stains, still wearing her morning robe, looking very tired and malnourished.

"Oh no, I never went to bed in the first place," she replied absent-mindedly, without even glancing up from her book.

"I see," he replied, rolling his eyes, "And when was the last time you considered eating or sleeping?"

"Ha! Overrated!" she stated arrogantly, "I'm _this_ close to discovering the secret of time-travel, and you complain about something as trivial as food? Besides, I'm one of those people who get their creative juices flowing with the lack of sleep. A few more nights of this, and I'm a bloody genius!"

"Most people would agree that feeling like a genius and genuinely being one are two very different things," Severus said dryly, "Come on. Spare a moment to eat something. I promise you that the world will not come to an end in the meanwhile."

Lily sighed, and glared at him sourly. "Very well," she said, tossing her quill away.

They went into the kitchen, where Severus prepared Lily – who hadn't even realized how exhausted and hungry she was – a bowl of vegetable soup. He was rather good a cook, the Potion Master he was. Lily asked him to join her, but he insisted that he was not hungry.

"Funny that _you're _lecturing _me_ about eating," she uttered cheekily, stirring the soup lazily with her spoon, "May I remind you that you famously look like you're starving yourself for a cause."

Severus frowned, and Lily wasn't sure whether he was amused or offended.

"You know I can't help the way I look. I've always been this thin," he grumbled.

"That's because you've never known how to take care of yourself like a normal person," Lily replied, "Tell you what? I promise I'll go to sleep after this, if you eat a nice bowl of this yummy soup."

Severus gave her a cold stare, which quickly melted into a grin. He then grabbed a spoon, helped himself some food, and started eating. Lily couldn't help but smile; there was something heart-warming about the sight of him eating.

"Ladies and gentlemen, most amiable viewers," she began, mimicking the tone of the narrator of a natural documentary, stalking theatrically towards Severus, until she was standing right behind his back, leaning down to bring her mouth close to his ear, "We are now witnessing a rare and an exciting occurrence seldom recorded by humans – a true treat for the curious eyes, courtesy of the wondrous Mother Nature. A full-grown male Severus Snape has just settled down to eat, which full-grown Severus Snapes are known to do only once in a lifetime, right before they migrate to fresh waters to reproduce."

Severus bursted into uncontrollable laughter, and Lily's smile grew even wider. It was even more delightful to see him laugh than it was to see him eat. He rarely did either.

"I'll have to add that one to my things-to-do-when-I-get-back-home list," mused Lily, patting him on the shoulder before returning to her seat, "Teach Severus how to eat properly."

Severus gazed at her through a curtain of black hair, and dropped his spoon slowly on the table. His smile faded away.

"You really are going through with this, are you?" said he seriously, and Lily knew exactly what he meant.

"Of course I am," she replied, oozing determination, "I'm going to correct every single mistake of the past. Everything will be spectacularly well once I'm through with this."

Severus looked at her sceptically.

"Whatever your plan is, you should eliminate Pettigrew first," said he, "He's dangerous. The sooner you get rid of him, the safer you are."

"_Eliminate_?" Lily repeated with a crooked grin, "'Sounds like you're telling me to send ninja assassins after him."

"I'm serious," said Severus humourlessly, "You know perfectly well what he did to you."

"What he's _about _to do," corrected Lily, scratching her head, "You know what, Sev? I don't think I will. It just wouldn't be right."

"It wouldn't be right to protect yourself from the deceitful man who got you murdered?" said Severus sardonically, "Lily, I'm not asking you to poison his pumpkin juice. Just have him locked up in Azkaban before he does anything harmful."

"See, that's the problem," replied Lily, "As of yet in my time, he hasn't done anything wrong. You said it yourself that he didn't join You-Know-Who until weeks before... that thing that happened. I don't think it's morally just to send a man in prison for a crime he's yet to commit."

"I don't think it's morally just to betray and murder a friend!" Severus said strongly, wincing, "Can't you see? You're in constant danger as long as he's out there!"

"Not if I can do something about it!" Lily insisted, "Look, I know what Peter is like. He's always been a follower. I don't think he trusts himself enough to act on his own. He always needs some authority figure in his life to look up to. I honestly believe he just fell into the wrong crowd, and got corrupted by You-Know-Who. I could prevent that by being there for him when he needs someone to follow. I could guide him to the right path before You-Know-Who ever even contacts him. That way, I could save us all – myself, James, _and_ Peter."

Severus gave a joyless, mocking laughter, "Don't be so naive, Lily! Do you really think that he's nothing but a sorry victim? Pettigrew is a beast, or a vermin at the very least. Not too many years ago he killed an honest, good boy by the name of Diggory without hesitation, just because the Dark Lord told him to. That was no simple mistake, but an unforgivable crime. Nobody joins the Dark Lord out of sheer boredom. There was something very twisted about him to begin with, and not even your endless compassion can heal that. He's rotten to the core."

Lily was tempted to remind Severus that he had joined Voldemort as well, and she would have liked to ask him whether he was rotten to the core too, but she held her tongue.

"I guess that's the difference between you and I," said Lily sourly instead, "I believe in second chances and forgiveness, and you don't. Silly me. I know you expect me to hate Peter for what he did, but I don't. I just pity him. I don't believe in vengeance, nor in precautionary punishments. If I have the opportunity to save both him and myself, isn't it both ethical and plain practical to do precisely so?"

Severus glared at her very darkly, and gritted his teeth.

"So," he began slowly, "- you're willing to forgive Pettigrew for having you and Potter murdered, and you scorn me for hating him for what he did. You do all this, and yet you still won't forgive me for what I did many years ago, no matter how long I grovel at your feet?"

"Oh, don't bring that into this!" Lily hissed, "That was completely different."

"No, it wasn't, except that it was a lesser offense, which makes your coldness even more unreasonable. I made a mistake, I begged you to forgive me, but you turned down my apology without giving it another thought. Is it really easier for you to forgive a betrayal that lead to a slaughter than is for you to forgive me for merely insulting you?"

"Shows how much you know!" Lily shouted, "Are you honestly telling me that you still think the only thing I was angry about was that you called me Mudblood? Don't insult my intelligence. We both know perfectly well that it had nothing to do with that! It was just the last straw for me. I had been trying to keep you away from falling into Mulciber's crowd for your own good, and that's just when I got sick of trying, for reasons obvious to everyone else but you!"

"Oh give it a rest, Lily! I had done worse than that, and you knew it!" Severus yelled back, "You knew all along where I was heading, but you never cared. You would scorn me, you would roll your pretty eyes, and you would frown, but you didn't care. Not genuinely. When I insulted your sister, you forgave me. When I stood and watched my Slytherin friends persecuting your Muggle-born friends, you forgave me. When I was caught using dark magic at Hogwarts, you forgave me. You pardoned my every single mistake, every single time I took a stab at your beloved friends, every single time I did something you claim you thoroughly disapprove of, until I made the fatal mistake of scratching your pride. "

"You're doing it again!" roared Lily, pointing her finger at him, "You're trying to blame me for your own mistaskes! I already told you that the mistakes _you_ made in _your_ life regardless of _my _actions are not_ mine_ to regret! _I_ didn't make you do any of them!"

"No, you didn't. I can admit that much," Severus replied slyly, "But you're the one who destroyed our friendship. You never did much as hinted that our friendship was hanging by a thread during all those years, because it really wasn't. Sometimes you would state that you were mildly displeased with me, but you never gave me a single warning that you were going to abandon me that easily. We were friends despite of ourselves, despite of the circumstances – despite of absolutely everything that threatened to tear us apart, and yet all it took was a single personal insult to make you throw everything we had away without further consideration. I do not think that you ever even believed that I meant what I said. You were simply offended by the mere idea of someone daring to insult you. That's why our friendship ended – not because of my interest in the Dark Arts, but because of your bloated pride that you could not tolerate to see ridiculed."

"Oh sod off, Severus!" Lily roared, "I did tell you that I wasn't happy with what you were doing all the time! I did absolutely everything in my power to keep you from turning that way – not because I had the responsibility to do so, but because I was genuinely concerned about you! Have you ever thought of that? I fought to the very end of my patience to make you realize that you were wrong, but you wouldn't listen to me, so I had to make a drastic decision I still do not regret. How dare you ignore all that I did for you, and turn this against me?"

Severus shook his head, grinning venomously. He didn't even seem to listen to anything she had said.

"Sweet, virtuous Lily," he began darkly, "You drown the world in your infinite mercy and forgiveness. You pardon your own murderers, you defend those who have wronged against your loved ones, and you insist on seeing good even in the most wretched people you've ever known, but no matter how much _I _beg, and plea, and apologize, you still cannot find it in your heart to forgive me for committing the worst kind of sin you can name – insulting your precious, untouchable sense of self-worth!"

Lily felt like slapping Severus. He was getting it all wrong; he was not listening to a word she was saying. He insisted on holding on to his convenient beliefs, no matter how many times she disproved them.

"Call it what you like, Severus," shouted Lily, "Maybe you're right – maybe I am proud! Maybe I was being proud when I refused to let you humiliate me in public after everything I had done for you. I wonder how you would have liked me to react? Would you feel better if I had just ignored it, and carried on rewarding you with my friendship while you dismissed all my attempts to help you, and viciously insulted me on the top of it? I bet you would have liked that! Well, then, please do forgive me for having absolutely no regrets about doing what I did!"

"I'm not saying that you should have ignored my behaviour," argued Severus, "I'm saying that you shouldn't have ignored my _apology_. You had no reason to be so angry with me for the rest of your life."

"_No reason to be angry with you_?" Lily yelled, quivering with fury, "You were supposed to be there for me, and you let me down, you idiot! That was the one thing in my life I thought I could rely on. Why else do you think I sat there and tolerated your behaviour for so long? The only reason I didn't give up on you any sooner was because I _needed_ and_ wanted_ you in my life! When my own sister started treating me like an enemy, you were there for me. When I was teased by blood-obsessed Slytherins, I could always comfort myself by thinking that there was at least one person in the world who would never, ever, _ever_ hurt me. Yes, I mostly ignored your little flirting with the Dark Arts until you turned against me, but that was only because I knew in my heart that you were not bad to the bone – or at least I thought I did! You think I was being petty for letting your little slip get to me? Well maybe I was, but that was precisely what it took for me to finally open my eyes and realize what you had become. That's why I never forgave. There was nothing either of us would have gained out of my forgiveness, and it was your own damn fault! Don't you _dare_ blame any of this on me."

"So you admit it! This is about you and your precious feelings, isn't it?" Severus said triumphantly, "Then don't bother to cling on to you hypocritical ideals about mercy and forgiveness, because you're clearly not capable of either! You're just as vengeful as I am!"

"For the last fucking time, this has nothing to do with me and -" Lily began hotly, but could not finish her sentence. She knew that Severus would not understand – he had his own distorted vision of what had happened, and he refused to let go of it. She gave up on trying to sell him her point of view. Now, she just wanted to hurt him very badly, and she knew exactly which button to push to cut him the deepest.

"I've finally figured out why you chose to switch sides all those years ago," she began coolly. He flinched.

"You know what I think happened?" she continued, "I think you turned against your beloved master because you were _scared_. You knew that he was not going to win the war so you groveled to Dumbledore like the pathetic maggot you are, and begged him to spare your cursed little skin because you were too afraid to face the consequences of your stupid actions. You did not do it because you were a hero – you did it because you were a _coward_! That's what you've always been, Snape! A fucking coward!"

Lily was expecting an explosive response, but instead he just winced horribly. Severus's eyes widened with rage, but he wouldn't let out a sound, not even a faint whimper. He looked as though he had just been punched in the heart.

"You're wrong!" he croaked through his teeth, overwhelmed with anger, "You could not be more wrong!"

And with a dramatic swish of his cape, he turned around on his heels and stormed out of the room. Lily could hear him tearing the front door open and closing it with a slam. She peered through the window, and watched him stalk through the rainy street into the darkness of the night, until she could no longer see him. Then she sat down and finished her dinner, as though nothing special had happened.

* * *

Alright, it probably wasn't the wisest thing she could have said to him at the moment. Perhaps it wasn't even true. But Merlin's bollocks, Severus had had it coming. She was fed up with Severus denying his accountability and blaming all his mistakes on her. That was the most hurtful thing he could have said, after everything she'd done for him.

And he called _her_ unforgiving? He was the one who wouldn't let go of old and forgotten things. He was the one who was being too proud to admit his own mistakes. He projected all his own mistakes on her, just because he couldn't deal with them himself. He was a coward, he really was.

She spent the rest of the night lying awake in her bed, coming up with several eloquent arguments she planned on spitting at Severus the next time she would see him. A few hours before dawn, she heard footsteps and other noises coming from the study. Although she was in no mood for another round of fighting – or reconciliation, for that matter – she decided to go on and listen to what Severus had to say. So, she jumped out of her bed, and wandered into the hall in her morning robe.

The door of the study was open, but the room was empty. There were some wet and muddy shoe prints on the carpet, and Lily's notes and books had been carelessly cleared from the table, and scattered on the floor. Severus had very clearly been to the room, and he had made no visible effort to clean up after himself, and when Lily noticed that the Pensieve had just been filled with memories which were not hers, she knew exactly why – he had left his memories in the Pensieve, because there was something he wanted to tell her that he was too proud or too afraid to say to her face.

"Oh, how convenient!" she shouted out loud, just in case Severus was hiding somewhere listening to her, "An unguarded Pensieve full of someone's private memories – what am I to do next? If there's something you want to tell me, _Snape_, come out and say it to my face like an adult!"

She stood in the silent darkness for a moment, waiting for an answer. It never came. For a moment, she considered going straight back to bed because she hated the thought of playing Severus's little mind game, but eventually her curiosity got the better of her.

She stared into the mystical depths of the Pensieve, already knowing that she was about to make a very bad choice. _To hell with it_, she thought.

"Fine, Sev. As you wish," she said icily, narrowing her green eyes into slits, "I'll take the bait."


	14. The Many Shadows of Severus Snape

Lily took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and plunged her head deep into the Pensieve, until she felt like she was removed from the real world and sucked into the misty world of Severus's memories. When she opened her eyes, she found herself standing in the middle of a small, bleak, and scarcely furnished bedroom – which, she quickly realized, was the very same room Severus now used as a study.

She looked to her right and immediately noticed the sixteen-year-old Severus, who was sitting in front of his desk and writing something on a small piece of paper with a keen, solemn expression on his face. He looked startlingly young; Lily had gotten so used to the way he looked in his late thirties that she had almost forgotten what he had looked like when his face had been covered in spots instead of shadows and lines, when his body had been even scrawnier and skinnier than it was today, and when his eyes had been constantly obscured by strings of unkempt, raven-black hair. Neither his build nor his hairstyle had changed dramatically since, but – as Lily had instantly remarked when she had first laid her eyes on the older Severus – there was something drastically different about the dignified way the thirty-eight-year-old Severus carried himself, compared to the sulky way the timid sixteen-year-old Severus slouched.

It was a beautiful summer day outside; the weather was hot and breezy, the oak tree in the back garden was green and lush, and the sun was shining in the cloudless, azure sky, but Severus's bedroom was shadier than the nest of a small, obscure woodland creature. Severus himself was sitting in the darkest corner of the room, looking so pale that Lily wondered whether he'd even stepped his foot outside during the entire summer. He was leaning his chin against his hand and tapping the tip of his quill restlessly against the table, staring intensively at the piece of paper in front of him with a wistful, tortured look in his eyes.

"What have you got there?" asked Lily, not even expecting an answer from the echoing memory of a time long gone by, and peeked over Severus's shoulder to see what he had written. She immediately gave a devilish grin, and began to giggle uncontrollably.

"Oh _no_..." she cried out through her laughter, "It can't be!"

Severus had written a poem.

_I love you_

_like I love the moon_

_like I love foreign lands beyond foreign seas_

_and forgotten books which bear the scent of night_

_I am walking towards you below the ground_

_above the sky_

_between worlds of mist and worlds of stone_

_my soul soaked in dreams of you _

_your name carved in the core of me_

"My, my!" said Lily, catching her breath, "Who would have guessed? Severus Snape – the closet poet! I always knew that deep down inside of that gaunt and cold exterior of yours you've been hiding the sensitive soul of a hopeless romantic."

The teenage Severus – who obviously could neither see nor hear Lily – kept on staring at the poem very seriously, until he suddenly ripped the paper in two, and tossed the pieces away with a loud grunt.

"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad!" said Lily sweetly, and smiled, "Alright, it _was _that bad. I would have thought that verbal talent and a knack at writing decent poetry go hand-in-hand, but alas, they clearly don't. The execution is atrocious, but I have to say that I do find the general idea of you writing poems absolutely adorable."

Her smile died on her lips, when she suddenly remembered that she was still angry with him.

"So, is this it?" said Lily wearily, "You're showing me depressing memories of yourself writing low-quality poetry and being miserable, and expect me to excuse everything you said out of sheer pity? I'm sorry, Sev, but this just doesn't cut it. I do realize that you were unhappy, and I do feel sorry for you, but that doesn't mean that you had the right to..."

She paused, and lost the track of her thoughts, as something Severus had just written on a fresh sheet of paper caught her attention. It was a letter, and it was addressed to her, but she could not recall ever reading it before.

_Dear Lily,_

_Please, please, please don't destroy this letter before reading it. I know that you don't want to speak to me anymore, but I beg you to listen to me for just this once. I never, ever meant to hurt you. I don't know why I said what I said, but I assure you that it was an accident, and a mistake. I would give anything in the world to take it all back, because I miss you so much that I'm going insane._

"I know," said Lily quietly. A part of her just wanted to forgive him and forget, but she was not ready to do so until Severus fully realized why she was angry with him. She knew that she could never trust him again until she knew for certain that he understood that he was wrong.

"Why can't you just understand that this has never been about you insulting me?" she sighed anxiously, "I know that you didn't mean it, but that's simply not the point, and I'm so tired of telling you that. If you really have nothing new to say to me, I wonder why you even wanted me to see this."

And then, as though he had heard her, the teenage Severus tore the letter into shreds, pulled out another fresh sheet, and quickly scribbled down a few words with a feverish look in his eyes. Lily peered over his shoulder to see what he had written, and gasped.

_Lily_

_I adore you._

_Why can't you hear me?_

_S_

Lily stared at the hastily written letter in awe for several seconds, unable to form a coherent thought.

"Severus?" she said in a tiny little voice, half-amazed and half-petrified. She glanced at Severus, almost expecting to see him laughing hysterically at the letter, but he looked gravely serious. He meant every single word he had written.

Lily stared helplessly at the letter, and then at Severus, and then back at the letter, and then again at Severus, gaping her mouth as though to say something, but for once in her life, she was utterly speechless. Was there something she was missing, or had he just privately confessed that he, Severus – as in Severus Snape, as in_ Sev_ – had feelings for her? She must have gotten it wrong. It was impossible...

She would have liked to take a moment to gather her thoughts and emotions, which all seemed to be scattered around her mind in random locations as though something inside her had just exploded, but she had no time to even think about what she had just seen, for Severus had just stood up, slipped the little note into an envelope, and headed to the door.

"Now or never..." she heard him murmuring under his breath.

The world around Lily suddenly turned blurry, and the scenery changed. This time, Lily found herself staring at the front door of her own childhood home. Severus was standing right beside her, still wearing the same clothes he had worn in the previous memory, and still holding the letter he had written for her. This memory appeared to take place very shortly after the one before it.

Lily felt dizzy. Everything was happening so fast that neither her mind nor her heart seemed to be able to keep up with what she saw and heard. She had always been rather good at analyzing her feelings, but now she couldn't even name the emotion that was making her heart beat faster, and her knees buckle. She could not even tell whether she liked or hated the sensation.

"I don't understand, Sev... I – I don't..." she stuttered, but then she lost the track of her thoughts again when Severus – who had been staring at the closed door during her musings – took a deep breath and rang the doorbell, looking very much like he was about to get sick all over his shoes.

"_Please be home, please be home_..." he chanted, tapping the letter against his hand nervously. Finally, the door opened, and the hopeful look on Severus's face melted into a deep frown.

"Petunia," he said bluntly, nodding mechanically at the tall girl who had answered the door.

"She doesn't want to see you," replied Petunia sourly, already guessing what he was about to ask, "She's told me not to let you in. Not that I would have welcomed you here anyways. You've really done it this time, haven't you? I've never seen her so angry."

Severus bit his teeth, looking like he was desperately trying to fight back a particularly strong urge to turn her into a newt.

"I would like you to give this to Lily," he said slowly and clumsily, as though he had just very recently learned how to speak, and handed the letter to her tentatively. "_Please_," he added reluctantly as an afterthought. He was clearly trying his best to sound polite, but he failed gloriously at the attempt.

"What's that – a love letter?" she asked mockingly, sneering at the letter in disgust. Severus gave a flinch, which was enough for Petunia to realize that she had hit a nerve.

"That's none of your concern!" he shouted hotly, but it was too late. Petunia already knew.

"Oh my God," she said, voice dripping in contempt, "It _is_ a love letter, isn't it? How sad and ridiculous of you. I always knew that you fancied her, but I never thought that you'd be dim enough to think that she'd actually feel the same way about you. My sister might be a freak like you, but she isn't blind and mentally challenged as well, which means that she's out of your league. No wonder she's stopped talking to you."

Severus's face turned bright purple, "Just give this letter to Lily, you stupid - !"

"Don't shout at me, little creep!" screamed Petunia, cutting him off before he could finish, "This is my house, and you have no right to be here! I'm sick of you, Snape! Always being so horrible to me, and pretending that you're all high and mighty, and better than everybody else! Bugger off, you freak! Lily doesn't want you here, and neither do I! I'm glad she's finally gotten to her senses and told you to sod off, because I hate you, and I never want to see your ugly nose around here again!"

Severus didn't need to be told twice. He turned around swiftly and stormed off angrily, crumbling the letter inside his clenched fist. Petunia's high-pitched voice was still echoing in the air, when all of a sudden the scene changed, and soon Lily found herself in another memory.

This time, she was standing in the middle of one of the busiest streets in Hogsmeade on a calm and clear winter day. Severus – who still looked roughly sixteen – was strolling down the road with his hands in his pockets, hanging his head so low that Lily could barely see the tip of his long nose from underneath the hood of his black winter cloak. Unlike everyone else around him, he was not spending the day with a group of laughing friends, shopping for Christmas presents for his loved ones. He walked the street alone and empty-handed, looking horribly sad and lonely.

Lily felt as though her insides were twisting and turning uncomfortably. It was not the first time Lily had seen him looking miserable, but it was the first time she realized what – or, rather, _who_ – was the cause of his misery.

"I didn't know," she said out loud, shaking her head, "I swear I didn't know. I never had a clue..."

And then, as though he did not look beaten enough already, Severus looked up, and widened his eyes in sheer horror. Lily followed his eyes to see what he had noticed, and instantly seconded his reaction.

Severus had spotted a cheerful young couple – a red-haired sixteen-year-old girl, and a black-haired youth with glasses – on the other side of the street. The young man was running ahead of the girl, carrying more than an armful of wrapped Christmas presents, and the girl was chasing after him. Neither of them noticed Severus, who was standing motionlessly right across the street, as though the cold had frozen him solid on the spot.

"Give them back, James!" shouted the sixteen-year-old Lily, "I'm not a child! I can carry my own things, for Merlin's sake!"

_Oh no_, Lily thought, as she realized which event she and Severus were about to witness. She remembered this day very clearly, for it was one of her dearest, most cherished memories.

"Enough with the mood swings, Evans!" replied James, grinning widely, "First, you tell me to mind my manners, and now that I'm finally doing something chivalrious, you're telling me to stop. Make up your mind, woman! Which one turns you on the most – the sexy gentleman, or the sexy brute? I can't pull of both acts at the same time."

From a spectator's point of view, it might have seemed like the two were arguing viciously, but Lily knew that this was not the case. This was just the way she and James communicated with each other at this ambiguous stage of their relationship. They insulted, belittled, and judged each other constantly, but it was all more of a playful courting ritual than proper bickering. Beneath the seemingly hostile surface, they had already fallen for each other. There was a flirtatious half-smile on the young Lily's face even as she assaulted him.

"My bag, and my presents, Potter. Now!" said she in a deep, commanding voice, and held out her hand. James gave her a charming smile.

"I was joking, Evans," he said, "Don't get your knickers in a twist, or I'll be forced to come over sort them out for you."

"Hmm. So much for that gentleman act, then, eh? Oh well – you kept it up for mighty two minutes. New record."

"- I know you're just as capable of lifting and carrying weighty things as a fit and handsome athlete like me."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Potter. You do have more experience of carrying big and weighty things – that giant ego of yours just doesn't walk around by itself, does it?"

"- In fact, why don't you carry _my_ things for a change?"

Lily blinked, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. "Fine," she said eventually, "Maybe I will."

"Here you go," said James, and piled up all the presents and bags he had been holding into Lily's arms.

"See?" she said proudly, "Easy. Sorry of I'm shattering your stern faith in your masculine superiority by not acting like the damsel in distress you want me to be. As you can clearly see, I can take care of normal everyday tasks just fine."

"Actually, you've only just reinforced my faith in the aforementioned masculine superiority," replied James. There was a cunning gleam in his hazel eyes.

"Really? Oh, do tell me how," said Lily with a barely stifled yawn.

"You just proved me that you're significantly inferior to me when it comes to Defence Against the Dark Arts. See, _I _would have never allowed anyone to lure myself into such a vulnerable and a defenseless position."

"Defenseless?" repeated Lily, raising her eyebrow.

"Exactly," replied James. His voice had turned faintly softer. "Your hands are tied, Lily. Now, how would you stop me, if I were to do this?"

And then, out of the blue, he had kissed her, for the first time ever. With her arms full, she couldn't have pushed him away, or slapped him, or done anything else she would have instinctively done, had he tried pulling such a trick a few months ago – not just because she had not been able to stop him, but also because she had not _wanted_ to. Instead, she had kissed him back, and it had felt wonderful. It had been one of those perfect moments of her life when she had wished nothing more than to be exactly where she was – kissing him out in the busy street on that beautiful winter day.

And Severus had seen it all. She had never known.

Lily tore her eyes off the kissing couple, and glanced at Severus. He had looked very unhappy before, but now, he looked absolutely gutted. His eyes were still wide open and filled with indescribable pain, and his skin had turned paler than the snow at his feet. He was standing so still that she wasn't sure whether he was even breathing anymore – or whether he even _wanted _to breath ever again.

"I didn't know!" she shouted defensively at him. There was more regret than anger in her cry. "How could have I known? You never told me! How was I supposed to know, when you never told me!"

Severus turned slowly around on his heels, and began to walk away fast with stiff, frozen feet. Eventually, he began to run, rushing through the idyllic streets of Hogsmeade until he reached the edge of the forest, where no-one could see him. There, he collapsed on his knees in the snow, as though he had been shot in the back, and threw up on the side of the road.

The scene changed.

Severus – who now looked several years older – was standing on a windy hilltop on a pitch-black night. Severus was grasping his wand tightly, pointing it at the darkness as though he was expecting to be attacked on any given moment. An instant later, a clear, white light came flying through the air like an electric arrow, temporarily blinding Lily with its brightness. When she regained her sight seconds later, she saw that Severus had dropped to his knees, disarmed and defeated.

"Don't kill me!" shouted Severus.

"That was not my intention."

Lily recognized the voice immediately, long before she turned her head into the right direction and saw the majestic form of Albus Dumbledore emerging from the shadows.

"Well, Severus?" continued Dumbledore in a voice that somehow managed to sound menacing and gentle at the same time, "What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"

"No – no message – I'm here on my own account!" croaked Severus is a strained, wheazy voice, which bore no resemblance to his normal speaking voice, "I – I come with a warning – no, a request – please -"

The brief but decisive word exchange which followed Severus's plea left Lily shaking thoroughly with an emotion she did not recognize. She saw Severus humbling down in front of Dumbledore, pledging his eternal loyality to him in exchange of _her _safety. Lily had never seen him in such a state – so shaken, and so willing to lay his fate in the hands of someone he clearly did not trust. This was not like Severus at all.

Or maybe, Lily thought, just _maybe_, it was the truest face Severus had ever shown anyone.

"_This_ is why you turned...?" she said breathlessly, unsure what to make of the revelation, "_I'm_ the reason you...? No, it can't be..."

The next memory Lily saw was even more baffling, and more crushing, than the one before it.

Severus was sitting on a chair in Dumbledore's office, looking like a broken toy. If he hadn't been panting and shuddering like a stabbed man, Lily would have thought him dead, because he had never looked less alive. It was difficult for Lily to tell how much time had passed since the last encounter of the two men, for Severus's eyes looked so old and weary that they could have belonged to a man older than Dumbledore himself, while the rest of him had barely changed.

And they spoke of a recent tragedy that had touched them both. James and Lily Potter had been betrayed and murdered, but they had taken out Lord Voldemort at their demise. They spoke of the boy, Harry, who had survived, and they spoke of the oath Severus had made some time ago, which Dumbledore now had great plans for.

And Lily – she stood in the corner, listening to the men speak without looking at either, because she feared that she would fall into pieces if she were to look Severus in the eyes. The despair in his voice alone was unbearable. Her breathing had turned shallow, and her arms and legs had lost all of their strength within mere minutes. It was all too much for her. She had no idea how to react to what she had just seen and heard. Severus had risked his life to safe her, and then he had promised to protect her son – all because of her.

"Why didn't you tell me about this, Severus..." she kept repeating wearily under her breath, for it was the only half-sensible thought she could grasp on, "Why did you never tell me?"

Before she knew it, the office around her dissolved, making way for another memory.

It was a crispy autumn morning, and she and Severus were standing outside the heavy gates of a graveyard. Lily had thought that she had already seen him hit the rock bottom, but now it appeared that he had sunken even lower into the trench of his own misery. His chalk-white face was covered in stubble and dark shadows, the whites of his eyes had turned almost completely red, and he reeked of alcohol and general neglect of personal hygiene. His clothes were stained and torn here and there, and she doubted that he had eaten or slept at all in many days. Still, nothing about his current state of being seemed to bother him. He looked like he had completely lost his will to live, and that nothing else than a force of habit was keeping his heart beating.

Severus's bloodshot eyes were firmly fixed on the iron gates of the graveyard, and she could not tell whether he was tempted by or terrified of what he expected to find beyond them. Either way, he staggered in, and wandered on among the sea of mausoleums and tombstones, until he discovered a fresh pair of graves, stopping still in his tracks at the sight of them.

Lily was not the slightest bit surprised to see her own name carved on the white marble of the tombstone.

Severus stared at the grave with his red-and-black eyes, blowing out clouds of warm air every time he exhaled. The world around him was silent, cold, colourless, and still like an old picture, but also oddly peaceful for one glorious moment, until suddenly Lily began to hear the sound of footsteps coming from the distance. She knew that Severus could hear it too, but he would not react to the sound, until the cause of it addressed him by his name.

"Snape."

Severus glanced behind his back, and saw Petunia. She looked shrunken, nervous, and shocked – like a little girl in a grown woman's body.

"Petunia," said Severus heavily with no sign of genuine interest, and turned his face back to the gravestone.

"You weren't at the ceremony," she said, rather timidly.

"Neither were you," he replied dully.

"I couldn't. I just couldn't. I didn't want to be there, with those people..." she replied, shaking her head, "I was watching them from a distance, but I couldn't join them."

Severus said nothing. Petunia stared at him with a pleading look in her eyes, as though she was expecting some kind of redemption or pardon from his behalf, but Severus seemed to be only scarcely aware of her presence. When she could not will any kind of reaction out of him, she just sighed, and placed the bucket of flowers – lilies-of-the-valley – she had brought with her onto her little sister's grave. Severus fixed his eyes on the flowers, and sneered.

"Why are you even here, Petunia?" asked he. A hint of irritation was straining his nearly emotionless voice.

"Why?" said Petunia, baffled, "She was my sister! That's why."

"That hasn't been a matter of great importance to you before," replied Severus gauntly, "This is a rather funny a time to start pretending that you cared a damn about her."

"Oh, stop it!" shrieked Petunia. Tears appeared into the corners of her eyes, "Why do you always have to be so horrible to me? What did I ever do to you? Nothing! I was just different to you!"

Severus gave a horrible, haunting laughter.

"It's amazing how you can stand on your sister's fresh grave, and still think only about yourself!" said he without even looking at her, "Go away, you stupid, useless woman. She doesn't need your hollow sympathy and self-pitying. It's too late for that anyways."

Petunia ignored his insults, and stepped closer to the grave.

"I've driven myself crazy by thinking about everything I could have done to prevent this," she began, "Little things. Silly things. I know this isn't my fault, but I can't help but – but – but I can't help but think about all those moments when I unwittingly commanded her fate. I – I've somehow been thinking awfully much about that time you knocked on our door with a letter I refused to pass on. I was thinking... If I had given her that letter, maybe she would have fallen in love with you instead... And maybe then she would have never married that Potter boy, and none of this would have happened."

"Stop!" roared Severus, "Can't you see how pointless that is? She is dead, and she's never coming back, no matter how much we plea, and pray, and regret! She is gone!"

He stumbled and fell on the ground, not bothering to pick himself up anymore. Petunia began to whimper and cry bitter little tears, and for a moment, neither of them spoke a word.

"I broke into the morgue last night. To see her," said Severus eventually.

"Oh Snape, you didn't -!" Petunia cried out in horror.

"I had to. I had to see her body," he continued, "I wouldn't, I _couldn't_ believe that she was gone, so I went to see her. She was as white and cold as a marble statue, but her hair - it was still as red as ever. She was like a wax doll, made to look like her, but lacking her spirit. Do you have any idea what that's like? To see her in that state, and not be able to do a_ thing_ to help her? Of course you don't. You're glad she's dead, aren't you Petunia? You envied her. You hated her."

With that, Severus pulled himself back on his feet. "Goodbye, Petunia Evans," he said sardonically, and turned his back on her, "We will never see each other again. I hope life treats you well. You certainly deserve it. Don't you, _Petunia_?"

Petunia was gaping her mouth in silent rage.

"_Hated her_?" she squeaked, "Of course I hated her! She was my sister, for crying out loud! I hated her, and I loved her! That doesn't mean that I ever wanted _this_! You don't understand. How could you understand? You're an only child. And don't you talk to me about love, you filthy little thing! You didn't love her. You just _desired_ her. You wanted to steal her away into that black hole you crawled out of, because you were worthless and despicable without her."

Severus stopped still, and gazed at Petunia. On the contrary to what Lily had expected, his eyes were not blazing with fury or contempt. The look on his face reminded Lily of what Severus had looked like at the age of fourteen, or twelve, or nine. It was an honest, sad, and sensitive look, free of all anger, pretense, and bitterness.

"I _loved_ her with every fibre of my being," he said sincerely, "I loved her more than I've ever loved the day or the night, or magic, or dreams, or life, or any of these poetic things which, in the end, bear very little significance to me in a world where she no longer exists. I loved her more than I've hated anything in this world, and I have hated very much. She made me want to become a better man that I'm even capable of being. She was everything and all that I ever wanted, and all and everything I'm going to miss when it's finally my turn to leave this cursed world behind. And when you say that I'm worthless and despicable without her... You're absolutely right."

Lily stared at him in awe, breathless, speechless, and struck to the bone with that burning emotion she just could not recognize. Her hands were shaking.

"Now," Severus continued, having failed to get a reply from the awe-struck Petunia, and turned his back on her again, "Farewell, Petunia. Live your life. Forget this world that frightens you so. If it's of any consolation for you, I give you my word that your sister will be avenged. The one who betrayed her will suffer."

"What about the child?" she shouted after him. Severus glanced at her over his shoulder, and winced.

"They – he – _Dumbledore_ told me to take care of her son, although I said no. He said that I absolutely must take him in because he is still in grave danger, and I was her next of kin, but I just can't! I have a family of my own, and my own child to take care of! I don't want these unnatural, dangerous things anywhere near us! What if they come back for him, and we'll end up just like her family did?"

Severus gritted his teeth.

"Just keep him safe," he said, "Keep him safe, or you'll have me to answer to."

"Then why can't_ you_ take him instead?" Petunia cried out.

"Because I don't want that child anywhere near me!" Severus roared, "All I want is to know that he's safe and unharmed, and I want it only because that's what _she_ would have wanted. I don't want to think about him, I don't want to hear about him, and I don't want to look at him!"

"You see it too, don't you?" said Petunia, in a completely different voice, "Those green eyes – he looks almost exactly like -"

"STOP!" yelled Severus, "Leave, Petunia. Do what you've been told to do, and forget about me. I shall forget about you as well."

Petunia eyed at him, looking like she feared, respected, loathed, and pitied him, all at the same time. Then she walked away without saying another word.

Severus sighed, and gazed at the grave for one last time.

"Morning, Severus."

Lily jumped, and suddenly noticed Dumbledore, who had somehow managed to sneak right behind Severus without her noticing it. She was quite sure that Severus had not heard him coming either, but he did not seem the slightest bit surprised to see him.

"Leave me alone, Dumbledore," said Severus wearily, "I refuse to be your servant today."

"Is that so?" said Dumbledore, narrowing his blue eyes, "And what, may I ask, are you going to do today?"

"That's none of your concern, old man," Severus muttered darkly.

If Dumbledore was even the slightest bit offended by the disrespectful way Severus had addressed him, he was extremely good at concealing it.

"You're wrong, Severus. It is my concern, if what you are about to do will keep you from keeping your word," he replied calmly, "I hope you know that murdering Sirius Black will not resolve anything."

Severus narrowed his eyes defiantly, "I hope you know that it's not polite to eavesdrop on other people's private conversations."

"Sirius Black has already been captured and sentenced – rather unfairly, if you ask me, even though his crime was severe. He no longer poses a threat to anyone, and we both know that Lily Potter would have not liked to be the cause of a blood-soaked vendetta. Ergo, killing him would not only be morally wrong, but also completely pointless. Or what is it that you expect to gain by murdering a man already condemned, aside from a lifelong stint in Azkaban?"

"Satisfaction," said Severus dispassionately.

Dumbledore shook his head.

"You're not going murder anyone. You've promised me that you will help me protect Lily Potter's son in the future, and I am going to make sure that you will be there to help him when he needs you."

"I don't care about future," replied Severus, staring into the distance through his heavy, half-closed eyelids.

"I think you're lying, Severus," uttered Dumbledore, "I think that you care very, very much. This emotionally numb and indifferent attitude of yours might suit your current mood, but we both know very well that it does not represent who you truly are. Whether you're willing to admit it to yourself or not, you are a very loyal man with a strong sense of honour and duty, and that's why I've chosen to trust you."

Severus said nothing.

"Now come along, Severus," said Dumbledore, "We've got plenty of things to do."

The graveyard around Lily dissolved, and changed into the Hogwarts castle, and the tracks of land surrounding it.

Severus, who had aged at least ten years between the memories, was standing alone outside the castle on a moonlit night, staring meditatively at the lake. This Severus looked shockingly different to the wasted and broken Severus Lily had seen in the previous memory. This Severus was aloof, calm, controlled, and introspective, and clearly in charge of himself and his emotions. His black robes were neat and tidy, and his stubble was gone.

Lily looked at the castle, and saw Dumbledore approaching Severus. She heard him sighing heavily when the older wizard joined him.

"Ah, Severus," said Dumbledore cheerfully, "I thought I'd find you here."

"Evening, Dumbledore," Severus said, doing nothing to conceal his dismay.

"What a marvellous feast that was, don't you agree? The students are so full of energy in the beginning of the school year."

Severus shrugged, "We have a feast every year. It's all the same to me. Pardon me for not being overly excited."

"So you may say," said Dumbledore cryptically, "Did you see him?"

"Of course I did. I am not blind."

"And?"

"And I suppose the badly disguised purpose of this utterly pointless conversation is to inquire whether a certain promise I made ten years ago still stands."

"Ten points to Slytherin, Mr. Snape! Too bad you're no longer a mere student here at Hogwarts," said Dumbledore jokingly. Severus was not amused.

"The answer is yes. I am a man of my word," he said, "And while we're discussing this subject I hope to return to as sparsely as humanly possible, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you of your part of the bargain."

"That I should not tell Harry Potter, nor anyone else, that Lily Potter was the love of your life?" said Dumbledore innocently. Severus glared at him darkly.

"Yes. That."

"By all means, if that's what you wish," Dumbledore replied, bowing his head, "Well, I think I'm going to bed now. It's been such an exhausting and a thrilling day, don't you agree? I can only imagine what lies ahead of us. Something tells me that this is going to be a year to remember for all of us. Good night, Severus!"

And so Dumbledore strode away back to the castle humming a happy little song, leaving Severus alone.

Lily studied Severus's blank face, and felt like she was going to burst into tears on any given second. During the past moments, she had seen him in various stages of despair and distress, but none of it could have compared to what she was looking at now. She had seen Severus adapting the same look a million times before, but she had never known what that closed, melancholic expression held within. Now she knew. It concealed a boy, who could not put his feelings down in words until it was too late, and a youth, whose heart got broken in a cruel way, and a young man, who gambled with his fate to save the life of a beloved, and a man, who lost his will to live, but lived on anyways.

She knew that she could not touch him, and that he could not feel her, but still, she brought her hand hesitantly to his face, and tried to run her fingers against his cheek. Her hand fell straight through him, as though either one of them had been made out of mist instead of flesh.

Suddenly, the look in Severus's eyes sharpened, and he pulled out his wand, for no obvious reason.

"_Expecto Patronum_!" he cried out, and waved his hand, casting his spell towards the lake. Lily gasped; Severus's Patronus took the form of a graceful doe, which looked identical to her own Patronus. The doe leaped on to the surface of the lake and glided through the dark like a bright cloud, illuminating the air around it with its beautiful glow. Severus stared at it wistfully, silver light reflecting on his black eyes.

The scene dissolved for the final time. Lily raised her head, and returned to the waking world with a loud gasp. She was still stirring all over, overwhelmed and overtook by whatever the emotion was that was raging within her like a tempest. She felt like crying, but she was still too stunned to even shed a tear.

Once again, Lily would have desperately craved a moment of peace and solitude, during which she could have quietly sorted out her thoughts and made out how she truly felt about everything she had just seen before rushing into rash conclusions and unwise actions. And of course, she was granted no time for such musings, for – just as she had predicted before ever even touching the Pensieve – she soon realized that somewhere along the way, Severus had appeared in the doorway.

It seemed like he had been waiting for her for a very long time.


	15. Backfire

Severus was standing at the door so motionless that one could have easily mistaken him for a statue, his arms folded underneath his cloak. It was dark, and Lily could not see his face clearly, but she could tell that his eyes were shut.

Lily twitched uncomfortably on her seat, expecting Severus to say something, but he remained silent for far too long for her to bear. The air in the room was getting thick with tension, which sent icy, burning shudders all over her body. She desperately wanted to break the silence, but all words were lost on her. Her head was full of thoughts and questions, but all of them were inexpressible.

All of a sudden, Severus opened his eyes, as though he had been alerted to a sound, and his eyes were like two black embers – so hot, and so bright that she felt completely naked under his piercing stare. Still, she could not turn away from him, so she looked into those dark eyes and finally understood why they burned so, suddenly realizing how unsurprising the shocking revelation was.

Severus loved her.

Merlin. _Of course_ he did.

And then, before she could thoroughly study the feelings the revelation had awakened in her heart, a strange fear struck her, and she began to panic. She had a notion that something irreversible would happen, if she gave in to the primal instincts which were tempting her to do something rash and bold and daring, and that afterwards, for better or worse, nothing would ever be the same between them again. They were heading for something unknown, and the unknown scared her.

"Don't bother acting surprised. We both know very well that you counted on this to happen," she said quickly, tearing her eyes off him. Her voice sounded colder than she had intended.

Severus still said nothing. She would not look at him again.

"So, this is it?" she continued, sounding even ruder and colder than before for no apparent reason,"This is your secret cause?"

"No cause. Just you," said Severus quietly.

His voice sent shivers down her spine. She was not ready to find out why.

"Marvellous," she uttered sardonically, standing up, "And what happens next in this little play of yours? Am I supposed to fall weeping at your feet and plea your forgiveness, or should we just skip the formalities and do it right here on the desk?"

She could feel her cheeks turning faintly pink, as a mental image of her latter suggestion flashed briefly before her eyes. She threw a nervous glance at Severus, who also looked rather startled, and forced herself to adapt the coldest, cruelest expression she could form to conceal her true thoughts.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Severus said apologetically. For a passing moment, he looked like that nine, twelve, or fourteen-year-old boy again. He looked so sensitive and so sincere that Lily was immediately struck by an overwhelming desire to do everything in her power to make him happy, and keep him that way for the rest of his mortal life.

Why she ended up doing the exact opposite, she did not know.

"Of course you didn't. What you _meant_ to do was to manipulate me into feeling guilty, because you just _love_ to be pitied," she said bluntly.

She had no idea where the anger in her voice was coming from. It had no source within her. She had gone through quite a range of emotions during the past hour, but none of those emotions had been anger. Still, somehow, every time she opened her mouth to speak, something vicious and hurtful came out.

"Face it!" she roared, "You staged this whole travesty because you still don't have the guts to speak the truth out loud. For fuck's sake, Severus! Did you really have to see all this trouble to trick me like this when you could have just told all this to my face? You know – like _an adult_!"

"I have tried! Merlin knows I have tried!" shouted Severus.

"Well? What do you want me to say?" she asked, blushed, "How am I supposed to feel now? What should I do?"

These were, in fact, very valid questions, for Lily honestly did not know the answers. How _was_ she supposed to feel? What was the right thing to do? The needle of her moral compass was going haywire. A powerful force inside of her was drawing her to Severus, yet another force within her was telling her to cover her eyes and ears, curl up in a ball, and wait for all of it to go away, until everything between her and him would be nice and uncomplicated again.

"Nothing," he said darkly, dropping his chin.

"Nothing?" she repeated coolly, "Oh come on, you must have some suggestions. You've brought us this far, after all, haven't you? Go on – finish what you started! Tell me how this ends according to your plan so that we can finally get over and done with this ridiculous little game!"

She glared dirtily at Severus, panting like a blood-thirsty beast, painfully aware of the strange charge between them.

_Stop it, stop it, stop it. You're ruining everything! _A voice inside Lily's mind was begging her to stop. She could not understand why her actions had suddenly stopped representing her thoughts. She did not want this; she did not want to hurt Severus.

And yet, somehow, it seemed like that was precisely what she aimed to do with every slicing word that came out of her mouth.

"This was a mistake," he said in a broken voice.

"Indeed it was," she replied, folding her arms. She took a quick, daring glance at him again, and instantly wished that she hadn't, for his eyes were filled with so much pain and despair that it was a miracle that she didn't instantly break into tears and fling herself into his neck to kiss away all of his fears. With a flip of her hair, and a barely audible little gasp, she turned her face away from him again. She was certain that she was going to melt down, break apart, or turn into stone, if she was to look at him directly.

Severus took a step towards her. The look on his face was crushing; he looked like a little boy who had been slapped in the face for no reason.

"Lily, are you telling me that – are you telling me that after all this, you don't even - "

"Yes. Now, get out!" she yelled, pointing her finger at the door.

Her angry words hung in the air for several silent seconds. Severus – who, for a moment, did not seem to believe his ears – stared at her in awe, as though she had stabbed him. Lily trembled beneath his raw, unbearably honest gaze, and just when she was about to crumble down in pieces and snap out of her furious haze, Severus turned on his heels and walked away.

It wasn't until a heartbeat after Severus had left the room when the Fury possessing Lily – or whatever it was that had made her act so cruelly and carelessly, and totally against her better judgement – loosened its grip on her, and the extent of the damage she had just caused suddenly dawned on her in its full, horrendous splendour.

"Lily, you _idiot_...!" she said out loud, smacking herself in the forehead, and ran after him.

"Severus! Sev! Severus, stop! I'm sorry! I don't know what came into me! I didn't mean it! I'm sorry!" she shouted, but she could neither see nor hear him anymore. Her desperate apologies echoed in the empty, dark hall, but she was the only one who could hear them. Severus had already gone.

* * *

Lily stayed up till daybreak, eagerly waiting for Severus to return, but he never came home. She expected him to come back the next evening, but again, she ended up waiting for him in vain through the night. And so, almost two weeks passed, with no sight of him. He would not even write to her. It would have appeared that she had driven him away for good, had she not discovered that, even though she never saw him, Severus did continue to visit Spinner's End quite frequently, for she often found the kitchen mysteriously restocked with food. Apparently, he somehow managed to come and go without her ever seeing him. He had clearly not abandoned her completely, though he carefully avoided all contact with her.

She still could not understand why she had yelled at him. Granted, she had been mildly irritated by the way he had chosen to present the truth to her – luring her to view his memories behind his back instead of just telling her directly, and demanding her immediate response by facing her before she was ready to face him instead of giving her time to let it all sink in. Still, being slightly annoyed by the way he handled things wasn't enough to fully explain her explosive reaction, for she could not think of any proper reason for being angry with him. Where had all that fire come from?

She tried to confront herself about her feelings concerning Severus, but every time she tried to sit down and think rationally about how she felt about him being in love with her, she became all nervous and sweaty, shying away from the mere thought of him being anything more than a best friend to her. It was an uncharted area in her heart she was too scared to explore, perhaps because she was afraid of what she might have found there.

During her two weeks of total solitude, she used the Pensieve many times to study some of her oldest memories of Severus to discover whether there had been anything about his behaviour suggesting that he had harboured amorous feelings for her. And Merlin – the signs were _everywhere_. The look on his face alone was enough to tell any sane person with a pair of functioning eyes – apart from Lily herself, apparently – that he had been madly in love with her for the better half of their friendship. His eyes were always full of such utter devotion, raw passion, goofy adoration, sweet tenderness, or sad, unrequited desire that she became all flustered and blushed by looking at him from a mere spectator's point of view. How was it humanly possible that she had not seen something so glaringly obvious before?

To be fair, Lily did recall having briefly suspected Severus of having a little crush on her a few times in the past, but she had always come to the conclusion that their friendship was, and always would be, nothing more than a plain friendship. Perhaps she had failed to see the truth because she herself had been so blissfully secure about her own platonic feelings for him that she had ignorantly assumed that the feeling had been mutual. She had never thought of Severus in the context of romantic love, because she had not really even thought of him as a boy – not in the same way she thought of James and other blokes she had fancied in her life as boys. He had just been her beloved Severus – an irreplaceable friend, who could not be compared to other boys.

While contemplating this, she began to look at every detail of their relationship from a whole new point of view. His stern devotion for her, the streaks of jealousy, the impact the Mudblood incident had had on him, the feud between him and James – had Severus's love for her been the driving force behind it all of those things all this time? If so, did it not also mean that her view of their relationship had in fact been distorted all along? She had misinterpreted and misunderstood so many things because she had not known the whole truth about him. In a way, she had been living a lie.

She bitterly regretted the cruel things she had said to Severus in her streak of fury, and looked forward to a chance to apologize. Ironically, while rehearsing her apology, she found herself repeating the very same pleas Severus had directed to her years ago when their roles had been reversed. _Please forgive me. I didn't mean it. It just slipped. I never wanted to hurt you. _She now understood how excruciating it was to truly repent something, and being unable to apologize. Why did people always end up hurting the ones they loved the most?

Lily's initial plan was to give Severus as much space as he required. She did not attempt to contact him for a week, hoping that he would return within a matter of days, but when almost two weeks had passed with no sign of him, Lily decided to write him a letter. She wrote down all of her thoughts on paper, but ended up tearing the letter into pieces, much like the sixteen-year-old Severus in the memory, because she knew she had to tell him the things he needed to know to his face. She needed to see him, and she needed to know that he was alright. Thus, she simply scribbled down three little words on a piece of paper:

_TALK TO ME._

She left the note on the kitchen table and went to bed, praying that he would notice it the next time he came by.

And then, that night, thirteen days after their disastrous confrontation, Severus came back.

Lily had already fallen asleep. Guilt-driven and restless, she tossed and turned in her bed, waking up with a start every now and then throughout the dark hours of the night, dreaming messy fragments of dreams she could no longer remember when she woke up. At some point during the night, she drifted back to the waking world, alerted by a hunch that she was not alone, and opened her eyes to see Severus, who was sitting on a chair at the other end of the bedroom. She could just barely make out his moonlit face, which shone like the moon itself among the blackness of the room.

"Severus!" she shrieked, bouncing off her bed. He didn't react to her voice. He just sat still on his chair, staring straight in front of him in silence, meditative, as if he was not even aware that he was not alone in the room.

"Sev," Lily began tentatively, slinking towards him with extreme caution, "I'm so sorry that I yelled at you. I didn't mean to upset you. But you can't – you can't just throw something like that at me out of the blue and expect a civil reaction!"

Lily paused, as the tone of her voice was beginning to sound too harsh and heated. The last thing she wanted was to hurt Severus's feelings again.

"I never knew. I swear I didn't," she continued over-sensitively, "That's why I got so angry – not because of what I found out, but because I was shocked, and I didn't have any time to process it, because you were suddenly there, and I was still mad at you for what happened earlier, and – and – and – well, it just got out of hands. You know me and my temper."

It was difficult to tell whether what she was saying was making him feel better or worse, for Severus hadn't even flinched during her blabbering. He simply sat still like a merciless judge in a trial, prolonging the awkward silence with his decisive muteness as though to punish her for her offense by forcing her to grovel in front of him.

"Severus?" she squeaked in a tiny voice which barely sounded like hers, "Please say something."

_This is useless_, thought Lily, when her pleading eyes were met with another helping of chilling silence. He would not even glance at her, staring persistently into the distance with his black, cold eyes. Severus was obviously not going to make it any easier for her. She might have as well tried to sweet talk the forgiveness out of a lump of iron.

"You do know that you're very dear to me, don't you?" she carried on in her most pleasant voice, "You're the best friend I have ever had, and I do care about you very much, even if I..."

"Don't speak of it!" Severus cut her off suddenly. His voice was calm, but so firm that Lily jumped slightly when he finally spoke.

"If you respect me at all, you will not speak of it again," he said in a slightly softer and smoother tone after a brief pause, "We will go on as though this never happened. I will visit you regularly, as I used to, and I will help you in every way that I can. We will be as we were. But neither of us will ever bring this up again."

"Severus, it really doesn't matter to me if -"

"Swear to me that you won't speak of it again!" Severus hissed sharply, closing his eyes, "_Promise_ me that you won't. If you respect me as a friend, and as a fellow human being, promise me that you'll never mention it again."

Lily bit her lip anxiously. This was not what she wanted. She wanted him to know how sorry she was, and she wanted to know that he was alright. She wanted him to know that she honestly had not meant the things she had said. Still, Severus was unyielding, and he was clearly not willing to compromise with her. He was not going to sit and listen to her full apology, and she just had to accept it.

For a passing moment, she felt an irresistible urge to fiercely kiss him full on the mouth, but she knew that it would have only made matters worse.

"I promise," she said heavily. Severus nodded his head so slightly that it barely counted as a movement.

"Thank you," he said in a deep, relieved voice, though he still looked agonized. He stood up, and walked to the door, careful not to touch Lily as he passed her by.

"I shall return tomorrow night," he said in a serious, formal voice, his back turned to her, "Good night, Lily."

"Sev, I -" she blurted out, reaching out her hand towards him, but he left the room without giving her a chance to speak again.

When he had gone, Lily finally did the thing she had been aching to do for thirteen days, but which she had somehow been unable to do in the aftershock; she collapsed on the floor like an abandoned marionette, and broke into tears. Hot, salty streams ran down her face, and painful sobs broke out of her like hiccups, as she realized what a horrible, horrible deed she had done.

She had wounded him.

She had broken his heart.


	16. Reflection

Severus stood by the window in the Headmaster's office on a particularly dark night in late March, wondering how – after so many years of continuous misfortune and general infernal misery, and after countless devastating losses and crushing setbacks – was it still humanly possible for him to feel so much pain over a mere broken heart. He had been completely beaten and bruised for two, three weeks now, and for what? Because Lily had just told him something he had already known.

Of course Lily didn't want him. Of course, of course, _of course_ she didn't. Her reaction had been more predictable than the changing of the seasons. Did he really have a valid reason to be bitter and hurt over something he willingly caused, while knowing perfectly well what the consequences were going to be? Did he really have a right to sulk, fret, and wallow in self-pity because Lily had rejected him? He might as well have committed suicide, and then blamed someone else for murdering him.

The funny thing was that when Severus's had extracted those memories and let them in the Pensieve for Lily to see, his intention had not been to court Lily. No, he had been motivated by sheer anger and frustration. Lily had wounded is pride by calling him a coward, and Severus had lost his temper. He had simply wanted Lily to know the real reason he had joined Dumbledore, which had had nothing to do with cowardice, and he had wanted her to regret the things she had said to him. That was all. He had not expected her to, as she had put it, "fall weeping at his feet", or to make passionate love to him on his desk. He had just wanted her to be very, very sorry.

He had begun to regret his deed almost immediately and returned to the study to retrieve the memories, but by the time he had reached the study, it had already been too late. Lily had seen everything.

When she had first looked at him and said nothing, he had misinterpreted the look in her eyes, and, for a fleeting moment, foolishly hoped that she might have not turned him down after all. He had thought that he had seen something there – something that was neither disgust, nor plain friendly sympathy. But he had been wrong, naturally. She had pushed him away angrily, filled with so much contempt that she had not even bother to spare his feelings by giving him the crushing "_I like you as a friend, but.._." speech she had eventually tried to give him when he had finally dared to face her again two weeks later.

He had spent many sleepless nights and many depressing days at Hogwarts, licking his wounds and cursing himself for being stupid enough to do the very thing he had sworn never to do only days earlier. But he had eventually returned to her. He had had to. It really had not been fair towards her for him to leave her all alone with no-one to talk to, and no-one to turn to, just because he had been too much of a coward to face her again. He had secretly visited the house and made sure that she was not lacking anything, but he had known that she also had social needs to satisfy. By staying away he had been denying her the only human contact she had, and he had had neither the desire nor the right to punish her in such way, just because she had been frank and honest with him.

And now it had come down to this. Lily knew, and they were going have to go on with their lives pretending that she didn't. Acknowledging the truth would have been far too painful and too awkward for them both. Lily was repulsed by the mere thought of him loving her, and he was simply not strong enough to cope with it.

In a way, there was also a sense of bittersweet liberation about it – facing something he had been dreading for so long, and surviving it. It had been one of his greatest fears since adolescence; what if Lily found out about how he truly felt about her, and what if, _what if _she said no to him? What would happen then?

Well, now he knew.

Despite the pain, the humiliation, and the agony, there was something relieving about the rejection. It gave him a sense of closure to finally know the answer to all of the what-ifs and if-onlies he'd tortured himself with for over twenty years. That it was not, as he had always imagined, about the lack of trying, or the failure to come clean about his feelings for her in time. The bottom line was that Lily did not, and never would, want him. That was the truth in its horrible, glorious simplicity. The finality of it soothed him in some strange way. He no longer had to drive himself mad by thinking about what he could have done or said, since he now knew that he had lost the battle before it had begun. He had never even had a chance with her.

Pure, honest, firm despair was much easier for him to endure than fickle, excruciating hope.

"You seem awfully gloomy this evening, Severus," remarked Dumbledore. Severus snorted, glaring at the portrait from the corner of his eye.

"Do I usually seem any cheerier?" he replied darkly.

"Lately, you have been unusually happy – all thanks to our mutual friend, I presume – save for these past few weeks. How is dear Lily these days, anyways?"

Severus narrowed his eyes. He had carefully avoided discussing Lily's situation with Dumbledore, fearing that the old wizard would attempt to use her for his own purposes. He did try to inquire about Lily every now and then – though he always made it seem as though he was simply trying to make light conversation – but Severus always changed the subject, refusing to answer any of his questions. Severus did not trust him when it came to Lily.

"She's safe, well, and unharmed," Severus said plainly._ And that's all you'll ever get to know_, he added in his mind.

"That is good news," replied Dumbledore lightly, "And how are you, may I ask?"

"Ecstatic," said Severus flatly.

"Is everything alright with you and Lily?" asked Dumbledore.

Severus sighed. Sometimes, he felt like Dumbledore was secretely reading his mind.

"We are at war," said Severus wearily, "The Dark Lord has seized power in Britain, Muggle-borns are persecuted and slain every day, the resistance is falling, and our only hope Potter is roaming the land alone with his friends with no adult supervision. Is this really the right moment to discuss the many sides of my miserable love life?"

"Ah, but you gave yourself in, there," Dumbledore said, and his eyes twinkled, "I do not recall saying anything about your_ love life_. Am I to deduce that something has changed between Mrs. Potter and you?"

_Shit._

"I suppose that the reason you've brought this up is because you dread that I have successfully conquered _Miss Evans_'s heart, and that by doing so I might have steered her away from the road you wish her to follow. Never fear, Albus. I'm delighted to inform you that Lily is not, and never will be, the slightest bit infatuated with me."

"I wonder – have I truly given you a reason to distrust me, Severus?" asked Dumbledore, tilting his head like an owl, "I have never wished harm for Lily. She is a sweet child, and I was always very fond of her. I want to protect her as much as you do."

"Like you protected her in the past?" asked Severus sharply, and turned to the window again, "I happen to have a particularly vivid memory of how well that turned out. And how about her son? Are you protecting him as well?"

Dumbledore's smile stiffened, "Have you told Lily what Harry must do?"

"No," said Severus, "I have not given her any of the details of my recent and future actions. She is blissfully unaware of the fact that, if all goes well, her son is going to die."

"Good," replied Dumbledore, "Do not tell her. She would not understand."

Severus gazed at him. "_I _do not understand," he said.

"In time you shall."

A deep silence filled the room. Severus stared outside, and thought about Lily – and about Potter. Somewhere out there, Potter was hiding from Voldemort and blindly following Dumbledore's orders, completely unaware of the horrors thath lied ahead of him. Severus had never liked the boy, but he had devoted almost half of his life to protecting him, and it angered him to think that it had all been pointless. He would not admit it even to himself, but something in his heart shifted uncomfortably when he thought that Potter would have to die.

"I am going to tell you something I already told you three months ago," Dumbledore began ominously, "You can't keep Lily. Don't let your judgement be clouded by your love for her. You both have important tasks to fulfill, and it is crucial that you will not stand in her way - and that she will not stand in _your_ way, for that matter. You need to know when to let go."

"You know that my fate lies in your hands," said Severus calmly, "Do what you wish with my life. You bought it for yourself in a fair bargain. Send me to my death like you're sending Potter to his death, for all I care. I can also trust you with the fate of the world. I do believe that your intentions are good. But you cannot have Lily. You will not toy with her fate. You will not manipulate her. You will not force her to waste her life. I will never allow it."

"I am not your enemy, Severus. Nor hers."

"Then don't interfere."

* * *

Later that night, Severus wandered around the shadowy corridors of Hogwarts, and suddenly realized how horribly little he had changed in more than twenty years. Had he not spent most of his life walking alone in these halls, wasting his life dreaming of something that could never be? Had he truly not learned anything, or even evolved?

He went to his room, and walked to his mirror, studying the gaunt, ghost-like face that stared back at him. He looked depressingly old, but still the same as ever. Skinny, pale, ugly. Was it any wonder that Lily had turned him down with immense disgust?

He thought about all the women of his life, and wondered why he had not been able to make it work with any of them. For someone as physically repulsive as he was, Severus had had quite a few women in his life. Every now and then he just stumbled upon a woman who found him alluring, though he was not sure what exactly about him appealed to them. Why had it not worked out with Maggie, that crazy and bubbly Muggle girl he had met two years after Lily's death, or with Lara York, that attractive Defense Against the Dark Arts professor he had briefly romanced in his mid twenties, or with Krista Kohl, the cheerful and witty German witch who had spent a few months in Hogsmeade studying the centaurs of the Forbidden Forest? Or with the clever and reserved Isla St. John – the woman he had almost married?

Why had he pushed Isla away? She could have made a good companion to him. Their relationship had been steady, but comfortably distant, and it had suited them both – until Isla, who had never asked anything of him, had grown tired of his aloofness, and begged him to open up his heart for her. She had only asked for a tiny bit of interaction and intimacy, but he had refused to grant her any, and she had left him. He had forgotten her so fast he had surprised himself. Why had he not done as she had asked? He could have made her stay, if he had wanted to.

Because of Lily. That was why. That was why he had not made any effort with Isla. That was why he had not made any effort to make any of his relationships work. He had turned down all those real and alive women for a mere fantasy of Lily – a girl who wouldn't have loved him back even if she had lived. He had held on to the memory of her more tightly than he had held on to life, and so his life had passed him by, leaving him old, miserable, and alone. It was his own fault; he had refused to let go of his hopeless dream of Lily in time.

He could not help loving Lily. He knew that he would always love her until the day he would die, but was there any sense in _wanting_ her, knowing there was absolutely nothing he could do to make her his? Wanting her had destroyed his life, and he feared that it would eventually destroy hers as well. What if Dumbledore was right – what if he was letting his love for her cloud his judgement?

"Are there not more important matters for me to think about in this world than my own sorry heart? And am I not too old to chase after dreams that are now as far away as they were twenty years ago? Is it not time for me to admit defeat?" he said out loud, and stared into the mirror, wincing at the pathetic sight, "I cannot be this poor, pitiful little _boy_ anymore. I cannot act like the past twenty years never happened, and think that the most significant worry I have is this doomed love of mine I should have forgotten lifetimes ago. Dumbledore needs me for his mission, and Lily needs my help, but _nobody_ needs this ridiculous, childish obsession of mine. I am many despicable things, but I refuse to be that immature fool of love any second longer. My broken heart means _nothing _to anyone. Nothing!"

He gasped air, listening to his own words echoing in the empty room, feeling strangely relieved.

Perhaps this humiliating, crushing defeat was precisely what he had needed.

Perhaps now he could finally let go of Lily, and go on with his life.


	17. Kitchen Sink Drama

"So, he loves me. Why should I be bothered by it? It's not like he's demanding me to return his feelings. There's no reason for me to change the way I feel about him. To me, he's still the same Severus he's always been... No, that's not entirely sure, is it? He's no longer _Severus Snape, my slightly daft best friend_. He's now _Severus Snape, my slightly daft best friend – who, BY THE WAY, has been madly in love with me for decades._ I can't ignore that. Everything has changed, and that's why I'm sitting here alone talking to myself like a crazy person who owns too many cats instead of talking to him."

It was afternoon, and Lily was sitting in the bathtub with her arms wrapped around her knees, once again thinking about Severus. Lately, it had been the only thing she had been doing – sitting alone in the house, contemplating her relationship to him, and dictating her incoherent thoughts to the empty walls. She was still completely blown away by his little revelation, and she still could not quite tell just how she felt about it – other than that she was hopelessly confused about absolutely everything. Not an hour passed by when she did not think of him once, or twice, or a hundred times. The harder she tried to force herself to stop thinking about him being desperately in love with her, the more she thought about it – and the less she understood her own feelings. Nevertheless, she had kept her promise; the subject had been a taboo since their reconciliation, as he had requested.

However, just because neither of them would raise the awkward subject, it did not mean that they weren't both thinking about it constantly. Lily knew without asking that the mere awareness of what had happened between them was gnawing Severus's insides, because she felt the same way. Their interaction was so laughably pretentious and artificial that any random stranger could have walked in and immediately realized that there was a bit of an elephant in the room. Every nervous look, every stiff exchange of words, and every uneasy moment of silence just screamed "Severus loves Lily!", and thus, it was all Lily could think of when she looked at him. It was _there_, whether they spoke of it or not.

Still, Severus insisted on pretending that all was well, as if nothing had changed. He persistently treated her in a civil, formal way like a person who felt nothing but mild affection for her, as though he had never revealed her his secret. She was amazed by his ability to keep on wearing his old facade as patiently as ever, even though they both now knew very well what he was hiding underneath it.

Then again, Severus was no stranger to pretense. After all, he had been playing parts and wearing masks all his life.

"Severus is quite thick in the head if he really thinks that complete and utter denial is the answer," sighed Lily. She had recently developed a habit of talking to herself out loud, for she obviously could not speak to Severus. "It's not going to make all this disappear. I'm not just going to forget what he told me – at least not without the aid of a very effective memory spell. Or lobotomy."

But who was she to blame him? She was just as guilty of avoiding the subject as he was. Even though thoughts of Severus raged inside her mind on every waking hour, she could not bring herself to actually deal with her own emotions like an adult.

Every time she tried to sit down and ponder where their relationship was heading now, she immediately began – in the lack of better means of distraction – to clean things. It was an excellent way for her to keep her thoughts conveniently occupied. She would scruff the floors, do the laundry, fold the lineans, dust all the shelves, and arrange all the books in the study – all just to excuse herself from having to face the uncomfortable situation. She did not want to redefine her relationship to Severus. Their friendship had become the only steady and stable thing in the chaotic world she had been thrown into, and she fiercely refused to face the fact that things were never going to be the same between them again. Their friendship, as she had known it, was now dead.

"You'd do both yourself and Sev a favour if you just forgot all about this nonsense, and did some useful with your time instead," she said out loud with a yawn, trying to get rid of the troubling thought, and sunk deeper underneath the surface of the warm water, "Like trying to find a way to get back home. Remember that little project? The one you've barely even thought of since your little fight with Severus? Oh, _shit_. Here I go again. Severus, Severus, Severus. It's all about him these days, isn't it?"

She growled in frustration and tried to think of something else, peering through the window in search of a suitable distraction. It was grey and ugly outside. Winter had already ended, but spring was yet to begin.

"I can't stand these charmless, undefinable in-between seasons," she said out loud, filling the depressing silence with her random musings, "I wish it was autumn already... No, spring is the next season, isn't it? I've completely lost my sense of months. After all, it was midsummer when I went through the archway, and midwinter when I came here."

She closed her eyes, focusing on the first non-Severus-related thought that had occurred to her in hours, and continued to think about seasons, and about time, and about the archway.

And then, all of a sudden, all the pieces fell into their places so easily that she was amazed that she had not seen the connection before. She gasped, and stood up in the tub so quickly that she splashed water all over the bathroom floor.

"I think I've got it," she said breathlessly.

* * *

Lily had never been so relieved to see Severus when he finally came home several hours later that day. She was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of cold tea she had been too excited to drink when she heard his footsteps in the hall, and greeted him with a nervous smile when he entered the room.

"Lily," said he courteously with a nod, "How have you been?"

"Fine, thank you," replied Lily stiffly. She wasn't sure how she was going to say what she was about to say – funnily enough, considering that she had been preparing herself for it all day long.

"I brought you some new quills, and a few more rolls of parchment, as you asked," he continued in a comfortably neutral tone, looking everywhere else but in her eyes.

"Oh. Yes. Thanks, Severus. I discovered the secret of time-travel today," Lily said, blurting it all about in one breathless chunk.

Severus gazed at her in awe. For a second, Lily forgot all about what she was about to tell him, and focused on the little kick she got out of seeing his black eyes looking into hers; it was the first time he had looked her in the eyes since their fight.

"What did you say?" he asked, eyes wide.

"The veil and the archway. I finally realized how I got here, and I think I know how I'm going to get back home," explained Lily uneasily, "It's so obvious, not that I think about it. It's been there right in front of me all this time. I can't understand why I didn't figure it out until now."

"Go on. What is it?" insisted Severus keenly. Lily drew a breath.

"Solstice!"

"As in Midsummer?" said he, raising his eyebrow.

"And Midwinter – the shortest and the longest nights of the year," continued Lily enthusiastically, "It was summer solistice when I went through the archway, and winter solistice when I arrived here. It makes perfect sense! I had been wondering why I ended up in this particular time, but I always thought that it had something to do with the year, so I studied the Celtic calendar, various astrological charts, and Numerology, but I could not find a direct connection between this year and the one I came from. It never occurred to me that it was the season that mattered, not the year. I believe that the archway somehow becomes a portal through time at the strike of midnight on Midsummer's night, and presumably also on Midwinter's night. I can't explain _how_,as of yet, but I think I'm on the right track."

"Solstice," uttered Severus heavily, weighing the thought in his mind, "I agree. I wonder why I never thought of it, either, for it does sound rather obvious. A little bit too obvious, and too simple."

"I know!" replied Lily, "I would have expected it to be something a little bit more... dramatic."

Severus sat down on one of the chairs, and began to drum the table with his fingers, deep in contemplation. He still looked very sceptical.

"And are you sure about this? Are you absolutely sure?" asked he solemnly after a long pause.

"I can't be absolutely sure until I've tested my theory, of course, but it can't be a mere coincidence," Lily replied, leaning against the kitchen counter, "After all, the ancient druids who build the archway knew more about the mysteries of time and harnessing the magical qualities of the sun than modern wizards do. Perhaps the archway is just another one of their forgotten secrets."

Severus frowned, and although it seemed to Lily that she had finally managed to convince him that she was on to something, he did not look as thrilled as she had expected. In fact, he only seemed to grow more anxious.

"Very well. Suppose you're right," he growled, "What are you going to do next? Midsummer is months away."

"Three months isn't a long time to wait," Lily replied with a shrug.

Severus winced, and stared down at his feet, evidently displeased. Lily's smile withered away.

"And somehow, you're not happy about this," she said coolly, "Don't you believe that I'm right?"

"Lily..." he began in a strangely sensitive voice, gazing at her hesitantly, "Have you considered... not going back?"

Lily glared at him, dumbstruck.

"What? _Why? _Why on earth should I stay here?" she asked, baffled.

"Well, firstly, you don't even know whether this is going to work", he replied, "There are a million things that could go wrong! You might die trying to go through that archway, just like Black!"

"No, I won't," said Lily hotly, narrowing her eyes, "I am going to get back home, and that's the end of it!"

Severus gritted his teeth, trying to keep his voice down.

"All I'm saying that you should consider the risks," he said as smoothly as he could, clenching his fists, "Are you truly prepared to waste your life for this?"

Lily dropped her jaw.

"Yes, I am!" she shouted angrily, banging her fist against the counter, "What do you think I've been trying to do all this time? If there's any purpose for me being here, it is to go back to prevent all the terrible hings that are about to happen in my time. If I can't go back and save everyone, I might as well be dead! What's your alternative to not taking a chance and trying to get back home? Staying here like a coward and doing nothing?"

"You could do plenty of good," said Severus awkwardly, "There's much to be done here as well."

He gave her a nervous yet tender look. She could not help but find it endearing, but she forced herself to dismiss it.

"I should have known it! You're against this!" she hissed, turning her back on him, "You don't care about any of the people who have died in the war. You don't care about anyone in the past or the present but yourself. You want me to stay just because _you want_ me to stay."

That was rather low. Lily knew that she was not playing fair even as she was delivering the punch, but it had to be said. Severus blinked several times, flustered. She knew she had hit a nerve.

"Stop twisting my words", he replied coldly, "I said nothing of that kind."

"No, but you implied it. I think we both know what you're really after. You told me about it yourself in a rather unforgettable way, remember?" said Lily with a contemptuous sneer.

Severus turned a shade paler.

"I am aware of that, but right now I'm only trying to be realistic, " he replied diplomatically, unable to fully disguise his perpetually growing irritation, "I don't think you fully understand the dangers of what you're about to do. You really don't have any concept of your own mortality, do you?"

"Oh, now who's twisting words?" Lily said sarcastically, "You really are master of making up excuses and lies. If you really have to be a selfish prick, you could at least be honest about it. Honesty is a virtue, even if lust is a vice."

_Oh no, not again! _Lily whimpered at the back of her mind, as she felt how her blasted temper was taking control of her again. She could not help herself anymore; angry words were darting out of her mouth like breaths of fire, and she knew that she could not stop until she'd stepped over the line and crushed him again.

"For the last time, Lily, I am not thinking about myself! I'm thinking about you!" shouted Severus.

"So you admit it?" yelled Lily mockingly, "Go on, then! Say it! You just want me, don't you?"

"Yes, I do! I want, I desire, and I need you more than you could possibly imagine, and there's nothing I want more than to have you naked in my bed!" roared Severus angrily, standing up so fast that his chair fell over with a loud bang. Suddenly he was right in front of her, pinning her against the wall, towering over her like dark cloud, and piercing her with his intense, black stare. He was standing so close that she became hyper-aware of his musky scent, and the hotness of his breath on her skin. He had never looked at her like that before – so boldly and openly, without a single layer of modesty, shame, or fear veiling the raw passion behind his impossibly dark eyes. A little gasp escaped from her throat, and blood rushed in her cheeks faster than she could think.

Lily knew perfectly well how she should have reacted to Severus's outburst. A little voice inside her head _should_ have ordered her to tell him off, or to slap him, or to push him away and storm out of the room dramatically like a proper lady. She _should_ have been utterly disgusted with him, and yet she wasn't. Instead, her mind just stopped functioning properly; the only thing she seemed to be able to do was to obsess over the little details of his face she had never really paid attention to before, such as the tiny, barely noticeable spots on his pale complexion, the elegant sharpness of his cheekbones, and the sensual arch of his upper lip.

At some point she noticed that they had both been quiet for a very long time, and there were only so many seconds two people could stand so close to each other that their noses were almost touching before the tension became unbearable. She wanted to say something – anything at all to end the awkward silence, but for some reason the most intelligent and eloquent thing she could think of saying was _blughughughglub_, delivered with a string of drool hanging from the corner of her mouth, so she wisely chose to remain quiet.

And then, just when Lily's sight was getting hazy, just when she was beginning to give in to the temptation to bury her face into his neck and breathe in his intoxicating, masculine scent, just when she realized that she was slowly beginning to lean towards him as though his lips were magnetically pulling her in, Severus closed his eyes with a sigh. When he opened them again, the fierce look had softened, and he looked like his usual reserved self again.

"...and in spite of all that, I am still only trying to do what's right for all," he continued wearily, and pulled away from her, embarrased, "I suppose I just feel anxious about you going somewhere beyond my reach, where I can no longer protect you."

"I'm a grown woman. I can take care of myself," she spat out. Her throat was dry, and her voice was shaking tremendously, but Severus didn't seem to notice it.

"But you can't. You couldn't. You think you're invincible because you're so young, but the truth is that you break very, very easily. It can be over in a second. And I don't want it to happen again," he said quietly. He was staring at his feet again.

Lily didn't know what to say to him. He looked so vulnerable that she completely forgot that only minutes earlier they had been arguing like solemn enemies. Suddenly, she realized that she still wanted to kiss him very badly, but as soon as the mental image of their lips meeting occurred to her, she blushed and turned away, trying to distract herself by starting to wash the dishes.

"Thank you for your concern, Severus, but I'll manage", she said as coolly as she could, filling the silence with the sound of plates and forks being tossed around in the kitchen sink.

"You're right," said Severus calmly, "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Forget what I said, and do what you wish. It's your choice. Now if you excuse me..."

He muttered something about Hogwarts and urgent and important matters he absolutely needed to take care of at once, and hurried away without saying another word. Lily listened to him go, and when she was finally sure that he was not turning back, she collapsed against the counter, as though all life had been sucked out of her.

"What the hell was that?" she asked herself out loud, genuinely amazed. Since when had she been the one to blush and quiver in front of Severus, instead of the other way around? Since when had she found him so attractive that she could barely resist him? For the first time ever, she had not been on the top of the situation, but she was not sure why.

She suddenly noticed that she had been holding her breath for a very long time without realizing it, and exhaled. Then she leaned her back against the kitchen wall, and began to fan herself furiously with a potholder.


	18. Walkabout

(A/N: Did someone order a RIDICULOUSLY LONG SUPER-SIZED MEGA-MONSTER CHAPTER? No? Oh well. You're getting one anyways.)

* * *

Lily had been acting very strangely for the past few days.

She was fidgety, tense, and moody, and for some odd reason, she had developed a strange obsession with cleaning. She kept complaining about the terrible heat, even though the drafty old house was so cold that Severus himself preferred to keep his thick winter cloak on whenever he came by to visit her. She also seemed to have troubles speaking coherently, for she often choked on her words or forgot what she had been about to say mid-sentence whenever Severus tried to have the briefest conversation with her. It was like talking to a nervous first-year.

Sometimes, when she thought that he was not paying attention to her, he felt her staring at him fixatively with a mesmerized look in her eyes, but when he did look at her, she immediately blushed and turned away. It was glaringly obvious that she had something on her mind, but he was not going to ask her about it.

Severus was not a stupid man. He knew perfectly well what was causing her curious behaviour. Lily was clearly deeply bothered by the thought of him being in love with her, and could not be at ease in his presence because of it. Severus had tried to make her feel more comfortable by treating her as coolly as he could without being unkind to her, but lately it had started to seem like the harder he tried to ignore his feelings for her, the more awkward Lily seemed to become. It was frustrating.

Other than that, he was doing rather well. Giving up on the last glimmer of hope was easier than he had expected – or, rather, it was not as difficult as he had feared. He was never going to stop loving and desiring Lily with every cell of his worthless heart, but at least he was learning to cope with the fact that he could never have her. Now that the initial sense of blinding despair was starting to lose its edge, he had started to feel rather comfortable in the hellish place he had gotten into after being rejected by Lily. He no longer had to try to be anything other than his sad little old self, for he now knew that Lily would never love him back anyways.

* * *

It was a dark night. Stormy, even.

Severus had traveled all the way from Hogwarts to Spinner's End in a dreadful storm that seemed to rage all over the British Isles. When he finally made it home, he was already thoroughly soaked; his long cloak had gotten so heavy with water that he immediately had to remove it, for it was dragging him down so badly that it was hard for him to stand straight. The clothes he was wearing underneath his cloak were also drenched, plastered so tightly against his lean body that they looked like they had been painted on him.

Lily – who had heard him struggling with his cloak – appeared on the top of the stairs shortly after he had arrived. He greeted her with a small bow of his head, but she stopped still on her tracks upon meeting his eyes, giving him a perplexed, deer-caught-in-the-headlights-sort-of look. Severus's gut twitched; he did not need a mirror to tell that he must have looked even worse than usual, with his ink-black hair dripping in water, and his clothes glued to his skin. She must have found him repulsive, he assumed, but decided not to care this time.

"It's pouring out there," he uttered nonchalantly and ruffled his damp hair, "I bet I'd be less wet if I'd swam here."

Lily said nothing. She just stared at him from head to toe and from toe to head, and opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out of it. It was as though she had been striken speechless at the sight of him. He couldn't have looked _that_ dreadful, could have he?

"What is it now?" asked Severus, raising his eyebrows. Lily blinked, and shifted uncomfortably on her heels.

"Nothing!" she replied very fast, flustered, "I was just looking – _thinking_, that you should probably get out of those wet clothes," she swallowed, "For the purpose of drying them!"

_For the purpose of drying them ...?_ Severus frowned. He had gotten used to being constantly mothered by Lily, but it still annoyed him immensely that she seemed to assume that he could not take care of himself at all.

"Right," he replied, slightly irritated, "I'll do that."

"You could get pneumonia, you know," she added quickly as an afterthought and came down the stairs, leaning her back against the wall timidly, "That's why I said it."

"I assumed as much," he replied stiffly, pulled out his wand, and casted a drying spell on his clothes. It took him several minutes to tidy himself up, and Lily kept of staring at him silently the whole time. It wasn't very characteristic of Lily to stay quiet for longer than a matter of seconds; as a matter of fact, Severus had been suspecting for a very long time that it was physically impossible for her to do so. It was very obvious that she had something on her mind she hesitated to bring up. He hoped that this something had nothing to do with the leading taboo subject of the household, since he was in no mood for another reminder of the fact that he was not good enough for her.

"Is something wrong, Lily?" he asked, "You're unnaturally quiet this evening."

"No!" Lily shouted hotly, but she blushed like a liar, "Well, actually... Yes, something is wrong, and that something is – that I'm – I'm -", she glanced at him quickly, and a strange softness filled her eyes, but then she turned away and began to stare at the ceiling instead, "- that I'm spending way too much inside this blasted house! I can't breathe here! I'm going insane!"

"Lily, we've had this argument several times before, and I'm afraid the situation has not changed," Severus replied calmly, "If you value your life, you'll find a way to tolerate these cirmunstances for a few more months."

Lily made a face.

"I feel like I'm choking just thinking about that," she grumbled, hanging her head gloomily, "Severus, please. I just want to pop outside for a little while. This place is starting to feel smaller and smaller with every passing hour. I need to feel the wind against my skin. I need space. I need to get somewhere that isn't here, even just for a moment."

She gazed at him, looking genuinely distressed.

"I know that, and I'm sorry, but we cannot take the risk," said Severus sternly, "Right now, The Dark Lord is investing most of his resources into hunting down Muggle-borns, rebelling wizards, members of the Order – and your son."

Lily winced. Harry was clearly her soft spot, even though this Lily had never even seen him.

"He is getting rather desperate, you see, that _Riddle_," Severus continued, reminding himself again not to refer to his former master as 'the Dark Lord'. He still had a bad habit of calling Voldemort by his pompous, self-declared title. "It's been months, and he still hasn't managed to catch a mere teenage boy, even though most of his men are looking for him. Death Eaters are combing the land, investigating any remotely dubious thing that comes to their attention. You're safe as long as you stay inside these walls, but I cannot protect you out there in the real world. And before you ask me – no, you can't use invisibility spells, because you should know that magic leaves tracks that could lead Death Eaters right to this door. If somebody realizes that someone has been using magic in a predominantly Muggle district, the first thing they're going to do is to inspect the only wizard household in the neighbourhood."

"Why should we use magic in the first place?" asked Lily, "There are no Dark Lords or evil minions of one here, excluding you. I bet I could go outside for a little while without anyone noticing it."

"No, that would be..."

"...Too dangerous?" Lily cut him off, "Honestly – who is going to see us? What are the chances that there just happens to be a legion of vigilant Death Eaters right outside that door? You said yourself that this is an all-Muggle district, so what would they even be doing here, at this hour? Skipping rope in that park across the street? I know it's a risk, Sev, but it's a risk I'm willing to take."

Severus sighed. Lily was right – the chances that Voldemort's men would notice Lily if she went out for a little while were incredibly slim, but not non-existent. It was very likely that she could take a walk completely undetected, but as long as there was the slightest possibility that something bad might happen to her, he was not eager to take any chances. He had lost her once; he was not going to fail her again.

Still, Lily was clearly not exaggerating her anxiety. She had started to look alarmingly feeble and unhappy in the past few weeks. Her skin was completely white, and he could see that her hands were shaking even as they spoke. She did not look well at all.

"Alright, then. Let's do it," he eventually replied with great reluctance. Lily's eyes brightened.

"Thank you," she replied quietly.

"You'll have an hour, and I'm coming with you. Wear something that won't stand out too much in this neighbourhood."

"Like a dramatic black cape and a matching robe?" asked Lily, lifting her eyebrow. Severus looked down at his outfit; he had gotten so used to dressing up like a wizard that he sometimes forgot how strange he looked to Muggles. Usually, he did not even mind the looks he got on those rare occasions when he walked among Muggles in daytime, but this time it was crucial that he wouldn't draw anyone's attention.

"Point taken," he murmured under his breath, and hurried upstairs to the cupboard where he kept his father's old clothes, putting on a worn, black winter coat Tobias Snape had used to wear to pub from season to season. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror before getting back downstairs, getting startled as he realized how much he resembled his late father.

* * *

At first, Lily thought of nothing else but how wonderful it felt to breathe in a lungful of fresh night air, and how much she'd missed walking under the open sky, and how long it had been since she had felt the pavement under her feet, but once the initial thrill wore off, she realized that she was just as restless as she had been an hour ago, and that a mere stroll outside was not going to make it go away. Perpetually growing claustrophobia was not the only thing that had been making her feel uncomfortable in the past few days. The other reason she had been feeling funny was walking along the wet, deserted streets of her hometown right by her side.

She had initially deemed the little encounter by the kitchen sink as a moment of temporary insanity. She had expected the strange new feeling to pass, thinking that she would laugh at the whole episode later, and that she could go on thinking of him as a mere friend in the future. However, she had quickly discovered this particular diagnosis of the state of her relationship to Severus was hugely erronous, for it soon turned out that the night in the kitchen was just the beginning of something unexpected.

She was not sure whether it was her, or whether it was him. Had he changed, somehow? Had he really turned from her gawky best friend into an alluring stranger full of mysteries she could not wait to unravel, or was she only imagining the difference? Either way, she was certainly feeling it, and the feeling grew stronger every time he came by to see her.

It hadn't been like this before. Prior to the feverish moment in the kitchen, she had not felt as though her feet were slowly turning into some gelatinous substance whenever he looked at her with that heated look in his eyes. She had also never had a problem with talking to him without being so distracted by impure thoughts that she entirely forgot what she had been on about, and she had definitely not spent her nights and days driving herself mad by thinking of him. Something had indeed changed drastically, and she did not know what to do about it.

_I suppose this is normal_, she told herself, determined to put an end to her madness through the process of rational thought. _It's perfectly natural to feel as though I'm suddenly hugely attracted to him, but that's only because I'm grateful for his help, and because I'm flattered by his adoration. I want to make him happy, and that's why I'm imagining things. Still, this doesn't mean that anything I feel right now is real, and it certainly, certainly doesn't mean that acting upon these artificial emotions would be a smart move in any imaginable scenario. Now, I'm just going to keep my head cool and my mouth shut until all this goes away, and everything will be fantastic again._

She glanced at Severus, and felt how most of the blood in her body instantly seemed to rush into her cheeks, turning her face scarlet. Why couldn't things be the way they had been before? Why was it that she could no longer look at him and see the old Severus – the poor little boy she had grown up with in these very same streets – instead of this secretive, intriguing, oddly beautiful man, who was full of wisdom, strength, and wonders she was tempted to discover.

"Too bad it's raining," said Severus, breaking the long silence with his input.

"Hmm?" Lily squeaked in an embarrassingly high-pitched voice.

"It's the first time you've been outside in months, and the weather is awful."

"I don't mind, really. You don't know how I've missed storms," Lily replied. Were they talking about weather now? _How typically English. _There were millions of important things they could have talked about instead, such as...

"You still haven't asked me that question."

"Question?" asked Severus dully.

"You know which one I'm talking about. The one you're just dying to ask," said Lily, "I've been planning this moment since our sixth year, and I've been perfecting my answer ever since."

Severus said nothing. Lily wasn't sure whether he truly had no idea what she was talking about, or if he just didn't want to say it out loud.

"Fine, I'll ask the question for you: _Lily, you traitor, why on earth did you fall for that git James Potter, our common enemy, even though you solemnly swore never to go out with him?_"

"Ah, that one," Severus uttered dryly, "Work in a few more vulgarities and the phrase 'worthless excuse of a human being' there, and you've nailed my thoughts to the letter."

Lily gave a faint smile. At least he could joke about it. That was a good sign.

"Let's pretend you're asking me that right now," she continued, "Why did I suddenly fall for James, after all the trouble he has caused to the humankind?"

She glanced at Severus again, but he was not looking at her.

"Well, firstly, I have to admit that I wasn't being completely honest when I said that I hated his guts," she began, staring awkwardly at her shoes, "I was disgusted with him because he was just so arrogant and full of himself, not to mention mean, petty, and cruel. But to be perfectly honest, I never loathed him entirely. It wasn't that simple. He did make me laugh, sometimes, and he certainly knew how to flatter me. I suppose I was always just as attracted to him as a I was infuriated by him."

Lily bit her lip, feeling the weight of Severus's silence on her shoulders. She had indeed been preparing herself for this conversation for years and years; she had imagined all the insults and accusations Severus would throw at her, and prepared snappy, fool-proof replies for all of them. She had justified herself completely to the imaginary Severus in her mind over and over again, confident that she was right about everything.

What she had not prepared herself for was this chilling silence she could not top with a witty comeback. Severus was not shouting, or cursing, or even giving her a sour, disapproving look. He was just listening to her, and all of a sudden she realized she had nothing worth saying.

"He changed, you know," she continued timidly, "He really did. I would have never looked at him twice if he hadn't. James can be obnoxious, and conceited, and rude, but deep down inside he is a good person. He's just been spoiled rotten, being an only child of a wealthy family. He craves attention all the time, and he can become quite vicious if he has to fight for the spotlight. But he's grown up a lot since we were fifteen. He started minding the feelings of others by the time I started seeing him. He still struggles with his mean and arrogant side, but at least he's trying. His heart is in the right place. He wouldn't have become an active member of the Order if he honestly didn't care about others."

She paused, and looked at him again to see how he was reacting, but his face was still blank and unreadable.

"I was really lonely at the time, you know," she soldiered on, "I mean, I wasn't _alone_, but I felt isolated. I had loads of friends, but I didn't really connect with anyone anymore. You and I had just had our fight, and I was still recovering from that. I needed someone in my life I knew I could rely on. And James – well, he had never exactly tried to hide the fact that he was crazy about me. That was why it was easy for me to fall for him. I didn't have to spend hours wondering whether he liked me back, because he had made it very clear that he did. I didn't even have to get his attention or win him over, because he was already obsessed with me. It was easy to fall in love with him. All I really had to do was to stop resisting him, and there it was."

Lily winced. That had sounded much more superficial than she had intended. She made it seem like she had fallen for James out of the sheer convenience of it, which was not true – at least not entirely. She really did adore James, even if the combination of lazyness, loneliness, and vanity had been the original reason she had finally let go of her old prejudiced opinion of him, which had used to hinder her from developing deeper feelings for him. She had grown to love him unconditionally as she got to know him better.

"This argument is much more one-sided than I envisioned," she said, when she still failed to get any response from Severus, "You know I don't mind you judging me, right? You don't have to pretend that you're fine with this. I'm ready for the backlash, so just go on and speak up. I can take it."

"If you swore never to speak to me again, why have you spent so much time preparing yourself to justify your actions to me?" asked he suddenly. His voice was surprisingly neutral.

Lily's eyes widened. This question had never occurred to her.

"I'm - I'm not sure," she sputtered, batting her eyelashes, flustered, "Maybe it was because... I always expected us to make up eventually. I never consciously planned to forgive you, and yet I somehow assumed that I would. It didn't really feel like the end of us, that fight of ours, no matter what I said. Deep down inside, I never stopped believing that we would become friends again sooner or later."

"But we never did."

"Until now."

Severus said nothing.

Suddenly, Lily realized that they had somehow ended up in the old playground where she and Severus had used to play together as children. It was rusty and old now, and the swing sets looked like they had been replaced by new ones quite recently, but the place still brought a smile to Lily's face. She immediately walked to one of the swings, and sat down on the wet seat.

"Come and join me," said Lily gesturing at the swing next to her. Severus shook his head.

"I'm thirty years too old for that," he replied. Lily grinned.

Neither of them spoke for minutes. Lily sat on the swing and slowly rocked herself back and forth, keeping her toes firmly on the ground. She started at her knees, because she didn't dare to look at Severus. She knew that he was staring at her again with that tortured, starved look in his dark eyes, and the mere thought of it was enough to make her feel a little bit dizzy.

"The earliest memory I have takes place here," Severus said, scanning the empty playground with his narrowed eyes, "I was roughly two years old, and my mother had brought me here to play. I was chasing a flock of pigeons right over there, and my mother sat on that bench, laughing at me. That's the only time I really remember seeing her laughing."

Lily laughed at the mental image of the happy little two-year-old Severus, but her smile stiffened when she thought of Severus's mother, Eileen Snape.

"Can I ask you something, Sev?" she asked, "What was going on with your parents when we were growing up?"

"You didn't know?" asked Severus, lifting his eyebrows.

"You never told me," replied Lily with a shrug, "I never asked, because you clearly didn't want to talk about it. But they were fighting, weren't they? I picked up that much, but I never found out why they were having problems."

Severus blinked awkwardly, and for a moment, Lily feared that she had bumped into another wall in his psyche, and that he would not tell her anything. But after a short pause, Severus did speak after all:

"As far as I understood, listening to their arguments year after year, they were both bitter, unhappy people who blamed each other for not being who and where they wanted to be. My father was an ordinary working class man, who had always dreamed of making something out of himself. I never got to know him well enough to tell what he had really been after, but he had obviously never gotten it. He never grew tired of reminding me and my mother how unpleasant his life was, stuck with a lousy job working at the factory, and living in this grimy town with a useless son, and a witch for a wife."

"I could tell that he could not stand being married to a woman who was obviously so much more intelligent and talented than he was. My mother was an ambitious, strong, clever woman – far too clever for someone like my old man. She could have been one of the greatest witches of her generation. She exceeded at Potions, and Herbology, and Charms. I know, because I went through her old report cards, notebooks, and journals after she passed away. She came up with numerous brilliant spells and potions of her own, but all of her brilliance went to waste because nobody believed in her. She had always been a reject, never fitting in, always failing to please other people. She was not good enough at things people expected her to be good at, and she was too good at things people didn't want her to be good at. Always too good, or not good enough. People either envied or despised her. That was her curse."

"And yours," Lily said quietly. She had never heard a better analysis of Severus; he, too, had always been either not good enough, or far too good at everything he did. There was no grey area between these two aspects of him.

Severus blinked a few times, confused, as though it had never occurred to him how similar he and his mother were. Then he gave a small, sour smile, and nodded, "Yes. And mine."

"I don't what happened to her – why she gave up on her real ambitions so easily, why she married a man like my father, and why she settled for this unrewarding life as a wife and a mother. She became a very unhappy person who never lived up to her full potential. One day she got sick and withered away amazingly fast, as though she didn't if even want to get better."

"I'm sorry," said Lily sincerely. Severus shrugged stiffly.

"It was a long time ago," he said.

"What became of your father, then?" asked Lily, even though she already knew that Tobias Snape had died a few years after his wife had passed.

"Nothing special," replied Severus gauntly, "Suits the old bastard right, I guess. It was partially his fault that my mother never made anything out of herself. My father despised magic, because he had none, and he never stopped belittling and discouraging my mother. He couldn't be what he wanted to be, so he didn't want her to be happy, either. I suppose he did realize the damage he'd done, eventually, but it was too late then. He tried to talk to me about her shortly after she died, and probably expected me to forgive him for her behalf, but I never gave him that pleasure. I didn't see him after I left Hogwarts and moved out. He died a few years later."

"Why are you still here, Severus?" asked Lily quietly, in reminiscent of the question she had asked him months ago, "You always told me that you despised this town. I thought that all you ever wanted was to leave this place behind."

"True, but I was happy here as well. Happier than I've ever been in my life," Severus replied, gazing at the old playground wistfully.

_Because of me?_ Lily wanted to ask him, but she kept the question to herself, because hearing the answer would have been too much for her heart to handle.

"I remember how we used to sit around here for days," she began, "You told me about magic, and we talked on and on about all the exciting things we would do once we grew up to be powerful wizards. We couldn't wait to get to Hogwarts."

The memory brought a smile to her face, but the expression of Severus's face only seemed to become sadder.

"I remember thinking that Hogwarts would change everything," he said darkly, "I was so lonely growing up here, and I foolishly thought that it was only because I was a wizard surrounded by Muggles. I thought that everything would be alright once I got among my own people – that instead of being a loathed, rejected freak, I would be respected and accepted as the person I was. It never even occurred to me that my life would only get worse."

Lily's heart ached. She had almost forgotten what Severus had been like before Hogwarts. He had been a pitiful little thing back then as well, but the memory of the strange, excited little boy he had been seemed insanely cheerful in contrast to the miserable man he had grown up to be. Poor Severus had had such great expectations of Hogwarts, only to have his hopes crushed before his first week at the castle was out. Instead of gaining the respect of his peers, he had become the laughing stock of the entire school – a hated, despised, alienated creep, who was constantly ridiculed by the likes of James and Sirius. What a terrible shock it must have been to him.

Now that Lily thought about it, she was suddenly struck by a horribly sad realization of how Severus must have felt when he had compared his life to hers. They had dreamed the same dreams of a fantastic life in the world of magic, and yet only hers had come true. To her, Hogwarts had been everything she had hoped it would be, and more. She, too, had been a lonely child shunned even by her own sister, but Hogwarts had changed everything. She had become happy and popular. Boys had thrown themselves at her feet, girls had envied her, and teachers had never ceased praising her wit, character, and talent. She had gotten it all, while Severus had been left with nothing but hatred and humiliation. Her Hogwarts and his Hogwarts had been further apart from each other than heaven and hell.

"That was why I started spending time with Mulciber, and Avery, and the rest of them," Severus continued, "For someone who has been kicked in the eye too many times, there is nothing more tempting than a promise of being anything more than a pitiful victim. I wanted to be a force to be reckoned with, even if the only way of becoming one was to become a monster. I was tired of being weak and alone."

"You weren't alone, Severus. You always had me. I never hated or loathed you," said Lily.

Severus's coal-black eyes jumped back to her, "No, you never did. That's why you're..."

His voice withered away, but Lily understood what he had wanted to say.

"Then why did you push me away?" she asked. The tone of her voice wasn't the slightest bit hostile. She was not accusing him; she was asking him, "Why did you choose Mulciber and Avery over me? You know I only wanted you to be happy. Why did you reject my help when I offered it to you?"

"Because I was a foolish fifteen-year-old boy, and I didn't foresee the consequences of my actions," he replied, "I craved for your pity, and at the same time I found it humiliating. I wanted to be someone worthy of your respect, and not somebody you simply felt sorry for. I knew that your compassion was the only thing that bound us together, and I knew that sooner or later would run dry. I feared nothing more than the day you would abandon me for good. It was like standing against the wall, waiting to be executed. I just wanted to be over and done with it, because it was the waiting I could not bear. I suppose the reason I ended up destroying our friendship myself was that deep down inside I wanted to have some control over the inevitable."

Lily blinked. This was not the first time they were talking about the various things that had destroyed their friendship. They had had the same argument over and over again, never reaching any consensus on the matter, and yet this time it was somehow different. There was no shouting or cursing. They were not attacking each other pettily and bringing up old grudges, nor were they eagerly pointing out each other's faults while completely overlooking their own mistakes. This time, they were genuinely trying to understand each other.

For the first time ever, Lily truly comprehended what had driven Severus to make the choices he had made. She also understood that he really was genuinely sorry, and that he had indeed spent most of his life bitterly repenting the mistakes he had made in his youth.

And on that moment, at last, she forgave him.

"I became a real mess after the war. I can't even remember what I did for a year after it ended," Severus continued quietly, "There was nothing left for me to pursue, or fear, or hope for. It had all gone. Dumbledore eventually took me in and offered me a job as the Potions Master of Hogwarts. I accepted the post purely out of loyality to him, even though I had no particular interest in teaching. Then fifteen years passed. Now I am here."

He paused, and spent a whole minute just staring at the darkness in front of him. The world around them was silent and still. It had even stopped raining.

"Twenty years ago, I thought that leaving here would solve all of my problems. It wasn't until very recently when I realized that it wasn't this place that was ruining my life. I was doing it all by myself," he said eventually. His voice sounded old, and he spoke like she wasn't even there – like he was dictating his thoughts to himself, not having to care about what anyone thought of him.

"I never did get out of this town," he uttered wearily.

Lily wanted to say something to comfort him, but no words came to her. She wanted him to know how sorry she felt for him, but she feared that it would only make him feel worse. She wished that she would have had the courage to put her arms around him. She wanted to kiss him, and drain all the sorrows and worries out of him, but she couldn't. There was absolutely nothing she could do to erase sorrows that were rooted much deeper than she could ever reach.

She did not even realize that silent tears were rolling down her cheeks, until Severus finally turned around and looked at her, and sneered.

"Do you pity me?" he asked.

"I feel sorry for you," she replied.

"Don't bother," he replied bleakly, "You would not pity me if you knew what I've done."

"I already know."

"No, you don't. Not all of it. I never told you who killed Dumbledore, did I?" asked he sourly.

Lily shook her head silently.

"It was me," he replied with a horrible wince, "I killed him, but only because he asked me to. Lucius Malfoy has a son who foolishly pledged his loyalty to the Dark Lord. He ordered the boy to assassinate Dumbledore to punish Malfoy for his incompetence, never expecting the boy to carry out his mission. I was forced to give my oath to his mother that I'd finish the job, should the young Malfoy fail. It was never my intention to do so, even though my life was at stake, but Dumbledore himself requested that I would be the one to kill him if and when necessity called for it. He claimed he did not want to make a murderer out of Draco Malfoy, nor was he eager to die in the hands of someone who would not grant him a merciful death. He was going to die soon anyways, you see, due to a deadly curse he had been infected with less than a year before his death."

Lily stared at him, overwhelmed with horror. It wasn't the act of killing that made her feel sick, but the thought of everything Severus had been forced to endure. Somehow, she felt like Dumbledore had been the lucky one out of the two of them.

"Do you believe me?" he asked, giving her a dark, bold look, as though to dare her to condemn him to the lowest level of hell.

"Yes," said Lily, and truly meant it.

"He forced me to become his Judas to spare himself from a painful death, and to preserve Draco Malfoy's innocence. But he did not care about _my _fate, and my soul. He claimed that it wouldn't constitute as a murder because I was only doing what he had asked of me, but as far as the rest of the world is concerned, I am a murderer, and a traitor. He said that it wouldn't split my soul and ruin me, but it did. I know it did."

He bit his lip to surpress something that might have been a growl of anger, or a cry of pain.

"I've been wondering whether he knew that by sacrificing himself, he also sacrificed me," he continued, "The world will never, ever forgive me. Did it ever occur to him that by forcing me to murder him he condemned me to eternal damnation, or was he counting on that all along? Did he want me to carry the blame, so that his halo would shine even brighter? Did he care about me at all, or was I just another pawn in his little game? If we win this war, he will be remembered as a hero from centuries to come, and I will always be remembered as the cursed traitor who murdered him. He'll be the saint, and I'll be the dragon, and no-one will ever know or care that everything I did, I did out of loyality to him."

He clenched his fists in silent rage, but then he just sighed and relaxed his body, leaning his back wearily against the trunk of an oak tree. Lily stood up and approached him tentatively with her arms folded.

"Why are you telling me this now?" asked she.

"Because you deserve to know, and I was too much of a coward to tell you sooner. I want you to know who I really am," he replied honestly, piercing her with his onyx eyes. Lily shivered slightly.

"I already know who you are. I've always known," she said, staring modestly at her feet, "You're the one who keeps forgetting."

Severus gave a half-amused snort, even though Lily had not been joking.

"If I get back home, I promise I'll hunt you down and ask Dumbledore to protect you," she said, and tried to smile, even though her words sounded childish even to her. Severus weighed her words silently for a moment, and then shook his head.

"No," he replied darkly.

"No?" she echoed his simple answer, raising her eyebrows.

"If you ever get back home, I advise you to stay as far away from me as you possibly can," Severus explained gauntly, "In fact, I insist you do."

"Why?" she asked, "Don't you want to be with me?"

He looked at her intensively, and for a moment his eyes were screaming "Yes!". Her heart began to beat a little bit faster. But the expression on his face quickly changed, and turned into a tormented frown.

"It's not a question of what I want," said he gloomily, "It would be too dangerous for you to come anywhere near me."

"Don't be so dramatic, Sev," she said, still trying to insert a dash of humour into the conversation. She was desperate to make him smile, "What's so scary about a twenty-year-old you, save for the acne?"

"I was not a nice man back then," Severus replied with a joyless grimace, "If you'd seen what I did twenty years ago, you could never look me in the eyes again."

"But you never meant any of it, right?" said Lily naïvely, "You only joined the Death Eaters because you were manipulated."

Severus turned his face away from her again.

"Yes, I like to tell so to you, and to myself. It's a convenient way to excuse the choices I've made – blaming someone else for driving me to do the things I did, and denying my own culpability. I suppose everyone strives for self-acceptance, even if it has to come on the expense of one's self-integrity," he began, "But the truth is that it was never that simple. To be honest, to be brutally honest..." he gave her a challenging look, "- everything I did, I did out of my own free will. I joined the Dark Lord because I _wanted_ to hurt somebody. It had become very clear to me that the world didn't want me, so I wanted the world to burn. No-one would respect me, so I wanted everyone to fear me. I wanted enough power to force everyone to grovel at my feet like I'd groveled at everyone else's feet, and I didn't care who I had to crush to get where I wanted to be. I was bitter, mean, angry, selfish, and destructive, and there's no way I can justify my behaviour. I made the choice of becoming that terrible person all by myself. I wanted to be that person."

Lily's lips parted, but once again, nothing came out. She did not know what to say to him, and she had to close her eyes for a moment, because it hurt her to look at him in the eyes.

"That's who I was, twenty years ago," Severus continued in disgust, "That's the man you would meet if you were stupid enough to track him down, and you're not stupid, Lily. I don't think that man deserves anybody's help or sympathy, least of all yours. I don't think you should waste your time on him."

"But you've changed!" Lily cried out, "Even if what you say is true, you're not that person anymore, Sev. Just look what's become of you."

To Lily, it sounded like a compliment, for in her eyes Severus was one of the greatest, bravest, strongest, and most brilliant human beings she had ever had the priviledge of knowing. Severus, however, responded by snorting humourlessly, clearly assuming that she was mocking him.

"If there's anything good about me today, it's all because of you," he said, "I didn't realize how wrong I was until you died because of my stupidity. I've been trying to make up for my sins ever since."

Lily made a sound that was something between a sigh and a gasp, and she suddenly felt so powerless that she had to lean her hand to the trunk of the tree for support. Why did Severus have to love her so much?

"It's starting to rain again," Severus said all of a sudden in a completely different voice, gazing up at the cloudy sky, "We should get back home."

Lily gazed at Severus, who seemed to be holding himself together surprisingly well, considering that he had just revealed sides of him he had always kept carefully hidden from the rest of the world. She suddenly realized how tired she was, and that she had exhausted herself just by listening to Severus's confessions. She had always thought that she knew Severus more than she knew herself, but now she felt like she was only just beginning to understand him.

As they started to head back to the house, Lily briefly thought about telling Severus that he really was the best friend she had ever had, and that she cared about him so deeply that it could not be expressed in words, but then she realized that she didn't have to say anything. For the first time ever, it felt like all that had needed to be said between them had indeed been said.

"Thank you, Severus. I really needed this," she said instead as they walked slowly along the empty street, and took his hand in hers. This time, he did not twitch when she touched him.

"You're welcome," he replied, entwining his fingers with hers.

Had both of them not been too occupied with their own private musings, they might have noticed the thin young man, who was watching them from a distance, and following them all the way back to the house.

It was a triumphant night for him, for he finally had something worth mentioning in his daily report.


	19. The Intruder

(N/A: Many, many heartfelt apologies for the long, long, unintended break. I have been incredibly busy these past few months, and this story was the only project of mine I could put on hold without running the risk of ending up being chased through the city by an angry mob with torches and random farming tools as weapons. Not that neglecting this story hasn't angered any of you readers – it's just you guys don't know where I live, so_ nyahahaah! _at trying torealize your various threats of violence. Anyways, thank you so much for your interest and patience – I hope that you really enjoy this story even half as much as I enjoy writing it.)

* * *

The next morning, Lily woke up wallowing in an unpleasant feeling she had not known in many years; she woke up loathing herself.

As confident as she usually was, Lily was no stranger to feeling insecure. Every now and then, she lost all faith in her own appeal and worried about her imperfections, even though she had never had a real problem with charming people with her wit, looks, and sense of humour. Sometimes she, too, wondered whether she truly was as likable, clever, and interesting as she hoped she was, but there was one positive quality to her she never stopped believing in, and that was her just and righteous heart.

Lily held an unwavering faith in her own goodness. It was the main source of her inner strength – the first thing she would have come up with, had someone suddenly asked her how she justified her existence in the universe. She had a good heart, and good intentions – she saved people, and she fixed things. She could have questioned any other belief she had about herself, except the idea that she was, mostly, a good person – that was up until this lonely, rainy morning in April, when she opened her eyes and realized that she was no longer entirely sure whether that was true after all.

A series of unflattering realizations had dawned on her last night, when Severus had finally opened up to her about the painful, unspoken events of his past. She had realized that she did not know, had not known, and, quite possibly, would never know Severus nearly as well as she had always assumed she did. There were depths about him she had never bothered to explore – vulnerability she had never understood, darkness she had never known, and sublime beauty she had never truly seen. She had never realized how sad and afraid he had been, nor fully understood the reasons that had driven him to do the things he had done. Back in the day, she had never even realized how much he loved her, which seemed very obvious in hindsight. Severus was so much more than she had ever cared to comprehend. She had just been taking him for granted.

Something about it all made her feel disgusted with herself. If her opinion of the person she had thought she had known more thoroughly than anyone else on earth had been so narrow, what did it say about her general judgement of character – or, worse yet, about her ability to care and understand? Had she been self-centred, shallow, and blind all her life without realizing it, even though she had only ever wanted to be good to everyone? Was she as wise and kind a person as she had always thought she was? After all, she reasoned, a truly compassionate and a kind-hearted person would have not been too blinded by her own pride and prejudice to see Severus's true face earlier, and surely a genuinely good person could have let go of old grudges and forgiven him much sooner._ But I couldn't_, Lily said in her mind, and felt sick.

Looking at herself from Severus's point of view, Lily finally started to feel the age gap between them. She was becoming more and more aware of the fact that this Severus really was almost twice her age, and shuddered at the thought of how revoltingly young and naïve she was compared to him. As immature as Severus could be from time to time, he had lived much longer than her, and had experience of life she simply could not live up to. She had always considered herself more mature than him, often telling him to "grow up" and "start acting like an adult" whenever they argued, but now she was starting to wonder whether it was she who really needed to stop thinking and acting like a little girl. All her thoughts, dreams, and ideals began to seem grossly childish.

Depressed and guilt-ridden, Lily spent the entire morning between the sheets until she finally summoned enough inner strength to get up and take a bath to clear her head. She walked into the bathroom, taking off her underwear as she went and tossing them lazily into random directions, and sat on the side of the tub. She was just about to start drawing herself a bath when she was suddenly interrupted by a strange noise, which seemed to originate from somewhere downstairs.

Instantly alerted, Lily quickly wrapped a towel around herself and tiptoed downstairs, following the noise all the way to the front door. She gave a silent gasp, freezing on her tracks, as she realized to her utmost horror what was causing the strange sound.

There was somebody outside trying to get in.

For a number of seconds, Lily simply stared at the shadow behind the door – which could be seen through the blurry glass of the little window on the front door – unable to move a muscle. _It can't be Severus_, she thought in sheer panic. _He never comes by at this hour, and it wouldn't take him this long to get in anyways_.

For a fleeting moment, she prayed that the intruder was just a common burglar – an ordinary Muggle crook trying to rob the seemingly empty house – and sighed in relief, knowing that the powerful protection spells Severus had secured the door with would keep him out no matter how hard he tried to break in. However, soon she began to hear a low female voice muttering curses under her breath and casting spells on the door, and realized that the intruder had to be a witch – a powerful one, even, for she was doing a splendid job at undoing all the spells Severus had sealed the entrance with. One by one, the spells disparsed in puffs of smoke with cracking, hissing, whistling sounds, and soon the door flew open with a loud bang – less than a heartbeat after Lily had ran back upstairs.

"Aha!" she heard a slightly mad female voice crying out triumphantly, "Tricky, tricky, tricky – but not too tricky for me, Snape. Your amateur spells can't hold me back, no they can't, no they can't..."

Hands and feet trembling with fear, Lily took a step closer to the railing, and leant slightly over it to take a look at the mysterious intruder who – based on the sound of her footsteps – had just gone into the sitting room. She saw a tall, dark-haired, and gaunt-looking middle-aged woman snooping around the bookcases like a bloodhound. Even if Lily had not already seen her using magic, she could have still immediately told that the woman was a witch, for she was wearing a long, dark cloak, and a glamorous (though very dusty and worn) black gown – an ensemble only a pure-blooded witch could have been caught wearing in public on an ordinary day in April. Both her attire and her demeanour reminded Lily of a Byzantine empress and a resident of a mental institute in equal proportions.

Also, there was something very familiar about her, but Lily couldn't instantly tell what it was.

"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape..." the half-crazy, half-regal woman whispered in a slithering voice that reminded Lily of all the evil witches in all the fairy tales she had ever heard, as she slinked around the sitting room like a hunting panther, "What are you hiding, you sneaky, sneaky little devil?"

And all of a sudden, for no particular reason, Lily realized who the woman was.

_No_, she thought in awe, dropping her jaw. _It can't be her!_

Bellatrix Black. None other than the infamous, notorious, unforgettable Bellatrix Black was raiding Severus's living room right before Lily's eyes. Even though Lily had never known the woman personally, being many years younger than her, she vividly remembered the very charming and very cruel, pure-blooded beauty from Slytherin. Beautiful, brilliant Bellatrix, who belonged to the rare breed of people who seemed to master every trick and trade they tried – beautiful Bellatrix, who enchanted every boy she met with her famed beauty, even the ones who hated her.

Bellatrix Black, who was one of the very few Death Eaters who had revealed their identities to the public during the first war. It was rumoured that she was the cruelest one of them all.

And here she was now – a mere shadow of her former glamorous self. Still hauntingly beautiful in her own way, but looking much older than she should have looked like in her early fourties. She was skeletally thin, her hair was an unkempt mess, and there was a mad gleam in her eyes which suggested that her stint in Azkaban had strained her sanity as much as it had strained her looks.

But what was she doing here, breaking into Severus's house? Lily shrugged off the question, for now she was much more keen on figuring out how to get out of the house without showing herself to Bellatrix. She closed her eyes and tried to think of where she had left her wand, cursing when she realized that she had last used it in the kitchen.

_I guess my only choice is to sneak past her and escape while she's going through the kitchen_, Lily thought, but it wasn't longer than seconds after she had formed the thought when Bellatrix came back near the staircase, and bend over to pick up something off the floor that made her give another cry of triumph.

"Aha!" she shrieked, "What have we got here, Snape? Oh, it's a lovely colour, but not exactly your size, is it?"

Lily – who had pulled away from the railing and hidden in the bathroom – did not have to see what item Bellatrix was holding to know what she had found. It had to be either piece of her underwear, which she had tossed away near the stairs when she had prepared to take a bath, having apparently sent it accidentally flying downstairs.

"Fuck!" she chanted inside her head, "Fuck, fuck, fuckety, fuck!". Even if she managed to escape now, Bellatrix would have proof that somebody had been hiding under Severus's roof, and even if she couldn't trace it all back to Lily, Severus would still get into trouble.

As though she hadn't already had enough reasons to be terrified, she suddenly began to hear Bellatrix climbing up the stairs very slowly. Every step she took made a sound, and every sound sent shivers down Lily's back.

"Come to me, little sweet one, if you're hiding here somewhere," Bellatrix called out in her hag-like voice, "I promise I'll play nice. All you have to do is to show your pretty little face to me, and tell me all about our mutual friend Severus. Perhaps I'll even give you a treat, if you act like a good girl and do as I tell you."

She had reached the second floor. Lily could see her shadow going past the bathroom door, and she gave a little sigh of relief when she heard the older witch going further down the hall. Then she jumped, as she heard Bellatrix kicking one of the other doors in.

Lily's heart was racing._ So, this is how it's going to be. She's going to systematically search every room, until she reaches this one, and that will be the end of me._ She was all out of plans and ideas. She knew that she would be finished if Bellatrix was to find her. Lily was not a fighter; she could have barely held her own against a skilled duelist even if she had had her wand at hand. Bellatrix, on the other hand, had a reputation of being an excellent duelist – not to mention a ruthless one.

Lily held her breath and waited for either the next bedroom door to be violently opened, or for the handle of the bathroom door to be turned, she heard something else entirely.

"Bellatrix," said a deep male voice, "What a delightful surprise!"

_Severus_, Lily sighed in her mind._ I've never been happier to hear your voice_.

She gathered herself, and peered through the keyhole to see what was happening. Severus had appeared behind Bellatrix, who was standing very close to the bathroom door. It seemed like he had narrowly prevented her from opening the door and finding Lily.

"Snape!" Lily heard Bellatrix shrieking, "What are you doing here?"

"As tempted as I must admit I am to ask you the very same question, considering that this is my house you've broken into, it would be rude of me not to answer your question first", he replied with the calmness of a Buddhist monk, "I am here because I just alerted that an uninvited guest was trying to enter my house. You have always been an expert with undoing protection spells, no matter what your extended visit in Azkaban might suggest, but I suppose you missed one this time. Did you see the eye-shaped symbol on the ground outside the door? If someone passes it without my permission, I'll know."

"Eye of Horus!" Bellatrix growled, "I should have known!"

"Why didn't you tell me that you were coming by for a visit?" Severus continued, voice full of ice-cold mockery, "You shouldn't sneak around like a rat because of me, as much as you do bear likeness to a diseased vermin otherwise."

"Save your petty little insults for someone who deserves them, Snape! I didn't come here to see you. I came here to expose you!" she spat venomously.

"Expose me?" Severus said smoothly, "What ever do you mean, my dear Bellatrix? I do hope that this is not your idea of some sort of amorous advance, because I just had lunch, and I tend to get dreadfully queasy at the very thought of repulsive and ungodly ideas."

"Don't be ridiculous!" Bellatrix roared, "I know all about you and your sneaky little plans! Where's the girl, Snape?"

"What girl?" asked Severus. The tone of his voice remained incredibly calm.

"The girl you were seen with last night on a playground not far from here," she continued malevolently, "And please, don't bother trying to deny it. You were seen. You left this house around midnight with a young unidentified woman, took a walk around the neighbourhood, and then came back here. The woman was never seen leaving the house again, so I assumed to find her here. I have already found plenty of proof that she has been here – the ruffled bedsheets, for instance, speak volumes. Tell me, Snape, what were you doing here when you were supposed to be at Hogwarts, as our Master has ordered, and who was the woman you're so obviously hiding here? One of Potter's friends, perhaps?"

A brief moment of silence followed Bellatrix's question. Lily's heart was beating so fast that she was afraid that Bellatrix would heart it through the door.

"So," Severus began as coolly as ever, "- instead of doing whatever it is the Dark Lord has assigned you to do – which, despite your now very obvious incompetence, must be something important and worthwhile even in the remotest sense of the words – you have been wasting your valuable time on either stalking me, or standing by on a lookout outside my door. I'm not sure whether I should be disturbed or flattered by this unhealthy fascination you seem to have with me and my private life. You never did answer my question about this being a frank yet awkward attempt at seduction, did you?"

"It wasn't me who saw you!" Bellatrix argued, "It was a young man by the name of Gavin Burke, who will surely be praised in the future as the man who helped me expose the must loathsome, devious traitor who has ever wormed his way to the inner circle of our Master! He's one of the men I ordered to shadow you after I learned that you have been leaving the castle on a regular basis since January. Alecto Carrow told me so herself a few weeks ago, and I instantly became suspicious. So, I gathered a group of promising young Death Eaters-to-be, and told them to keep an eye on you, just in case I was right about you. And right I was, wasn't I? Burke caught you walking around in the middle of the night with a young woman, and something tells me that this particular woman is someone the Dark Lord would be most keen on knowing more about."

"You really do have too much time on your hands, don't you?" Severus replied lazily, "If you spent even a fraction of the time you waste on nursing these delusions of yours on doing something useful, it would have not taken you almost a year to track down a seventeen-year-old boy."

"The girl," Bellatrix hissed, "Who is she, where is she, and why are you hiding her? She's one of Potter's friends, isn't she? Or Potter himself in disguise?"

"Thank you very much for that revolting mental image of a cross-dressing Boy-Who-Lived," said Severus, voice dripping in utmost contempt, "Not that it's any of your concern, I have been coming here once or twice a week, and I have indeed been entertaining female company in this very house, but the woman in question does not live here, and I'm certainly not hiding her from anyone. She's my girlfriend."

"Oh, please!" Bellatrix said with a mocking laughter, "You, with a woman? What kind of a woman would degrade herself by letting you even look at her?"

"A variety of attractive and intelligent ones, actually. I have had several women in my life over the past fifteen years, but I suppose you couldn't know about any of them, having missed out on so much while you were away. You know – in_ Azkaban_."

Bellatrix was grinding her teeth so loudly that Lily could hear it through the door.

"Very well, then," she said coldly, "For the sake of argument, I believe you. Who is she, then, this mysterious woman with no standards? I would like to have a little word with her anyways."

"Her identity," said Severus, "- is none of your business. I'm allowed to keep my personal relationships private."

"Not if you're lying to the Master!" shouted she.

"I have not lied to anyone," Severus replied, unshaken. "I have kept some unnecessary information about my relationship to this woman from the Carrows, because what I do in my spare time is simply immaterial to them. The Dark Lord has no interest in my personal life, either. I have not committed any crime against him. I have not disobeyed him, nor have I neglected the duties he has appointed me with."

"I see. Then you wouldn't mind me telling him abut this, would you?"

"Tell him about what? That I've been coming here during my free time to relax and fornicate, and that, somehow, this puts his entire reign in jeopardy? Please, do tell him. We both know how much he enjoys to be disturbed by false alarms and completely mundane announcements, with his busy schedule and bad temper. I would love to see his face when you interrupt him simply to inform him that Severus Snape has a sweetheart."

A chilling silence hung between them for a moment. Bellatrix was clearly running out of arguments.

"How can I be sure that this isn't related to Potter?" she growled, "I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to be the one you're hiding here! And I do have this!"

Lily peered through the keyhole again, and gave a silent groan of despair. Bellatrix was dangling Lily's purple, lacy bra by her index finger in front of Severus nose with a triumphant grin on her face.

"I'm terribly sorry, but now you're confusing me," Severus said without even blinking, "Does Potter wear women's undergarments?"

"It's evidence. Evidence!" Bellatrix snapped, "This proves that there was a woman here!"

"Which I recall very explicitly admitting just a moment ago," Severus replied, "Now, unless you can point out a logical connection between Harry Potter and this garment here, you have no reason to accuse me of anything. I, on the other hand, do have a reason to question your loyalty to the Dark Lord, and, unlike you, I also have the proofs to back up my accusations. I never thought that you'd be the first one to defy your Master, Bellatrix."

"_Defying him_?" said Bellatrix very loudly, appalled, "_Me_?"

"Yes, you. Did you not just confess that you have been plotting against me without telling him about it first, and that you've commanded troops of your own behind his back? Has the Dark Lord not forbidden you to act on your own accord, without requesting his permission for your actions, or even informing him about your plans?"

"I was doing it for him!" she argued, "And I do not have troops of my own! It was just a handful of useless, young sods who had nothing better to do with their time!"

"That's irrelevant," said he, "Do tell him, if you must. In fact, I encourage you to do so. Tell him your silly little tale, and let him know how you've violated his wishes. Let's see what happens. Let's see who's his favourite once you've completely embarrassed yourself in front of him. I've never defeated you in this game more easily."

Bellatrix winced, clearly realizing that Severus had chased her into a corner. For a moment, she looked like a raging beast, ready to charge at him with all her might, but in the end she just gave grunt as a sign of submission. Severus gave a mean smile; he had won.

Suddenly, the wince on Bellatrix's face faded away, melting into a malevolent grin. She glanced at the bathroom door; Lily immediately stepped away from the keyhole.

"Alright, _Severus_," she heard Bellatrix saying, "I'll leave you alone, as you wish, but first... May I use your bathroom?"


	20. Too Close

"No, you may not," said Severus, blocking Bellatrix's way before she reached the bathroom door. He gave her an indifferent look of contempt, careful not to let any of his fear shine through. He knew that the only way out of the situation was to act perfectly nonchalant. If Bellatrix saw even the faintest glimpse of insecurity in his eyes, she'd instantly know that he was hiding something.

It was not an easy task – not even for Severus Snape, who had spent most of his life pretending he was something he was not. Inside, he was trembling with gripping horror, terrified that Bellatrix would find Lily, and that he would lose her all over again. That was why it was absolutely crucial for him to conceal his fear with indifference as well as he possibly could.

"You've wasted enough of my time as it is already," he continued lazily, "As much as I generally do enjoy watching you completely humiliate yourself in this manner, I warmly suggest that you pick up your scraps of dignity from the floor and leave before you make a bigger fool out of yourself. This is getting too embarrassing even from a spectator's point of view."

Bellatrix's eyes flashed, but she quickly restored her defiant grin.

"What's the matter, Snape?" asked she mockingly, "If you've truly got nothing to hide, why won't you let me go to that room?"

"I loathe you, and it gives me enormous pleasure to deny you things you want. Is that not reason enough for you?" Severus replied dryly.

Bellatrix's sly grin grew slightly wider.

"No," she said simply, and before Severus knew it, she had elbowed her way past him, and slammed the bathroom door open with one strong thrust of her arm. Severus instantly clenched his wand, which he kept hidden within his sleeve, ready to protect Lily by any means necessary. However, to both of their great surprise, the door opened up to reveal an empty room. There was no trace of Lily.

Sighing silently in relief, Severus loosened his grip on his still hidden wand, focused on maintaining his calm exterior, and pretended to look bored, while the awe-struck Bellatrix stared at the empty room, gaping her mouth like a fish.

"Yes, Bellatrix. This is a bathroom," he said sarcastically after a moment of cold silence, "A place where hygiene occurs – though it seems evident that you've forgotten the meaning of the word during your little holiday in Azkaban. You're not really into bathing and showering these days, are you? I can tell it by the way your hair looks – and smells, for that matter."

"Don't talk to me about grooming, you greasy-haired nit!" she shrieked. Severus gave a mean smile; he knew exactly which button to push to cut a person as vain as Bellatrix Lestrange.

"What, may I ask, did you expect to find here, Bella?" asked Severus smoothly. Bellatrix sneered at him contemptuously, but it was obvious that she did not know._ So, in other words, she did not see Lily_, Severus concluded in his mind, and smiled. _Lily is safe, for now._

Bellatrix's face had turned purple. She revealed her teeth, looking very much like an angry hyena, pointing her wand at his throat.

"I know you're hiding something, Snape!" she hissed, "I know that you're a liar and a traitor, and one day I'm going to let everyone know who you really are! You may get away with you dirty little plans this time, but believe me when I tell you that sooner or later, you shall regret the day you met me!"

"I'm afraid, dear Bella, that such day has already dawned a long, long time ago, and the feeling still lasts to this moment," replied Severus coolly, "And I'd lower my wand, if I were you. You're a deranged, incompetent fool with too high an opinion of yourself, Bellatrix, but surely you're not quite as stupid enough to think that you can threaten me like that without suffering the consequences?"

She lowered her wand, face twisted in a grimace.

"Now, why don't you make the first useful thing you've done today and throw yourself out like the sack of litter you essentially are?" Severus continued, never ceasing to smile smugly at the furious Bellatrix, "Unless you give me the privilege of doing the honours? I certainly would not mind."

Bellatrix narrowed her eyes, giving him a murderous stare, hands clenched into tight fists. She looked so stricken with rage that Severus expected foam to spill from her mouth on any given moment.

"I'm watching you, Snape. Don't you forget about that!" she growled, turned her back on him dramatically, and then stalked downstairs, smashing every decorative item that came to the range of her arm on the way to the front door.

Severus waited for several minutes before he went back downstairs and sealed the door with new protection spells, his heart beating faster and faster in the afterglow of the frightful encounter. The symptoms of panic came to him retrospectively, having not had any time to submit to the consuming terror while confronting Bellatrix. He then raided the house, looking for detections spells and other curses Bellatrix might have casted in the house, happy to find none. And it was only after then, and not a moment earlier, when he first dared to go on and call Lily's name.

"Lily!" he shouted, as he had not the slightest clue of her whereabouts, "Lily! Are you here?"

She would not give him an answer. Severus went through every room of the house, searching for her possible hiding place to no avail, wondering whether she had been able to flee the house before he had arrived.

At some point during his fruitless search, it really hit him just how close he had been to killing Bellatrix Lestrange. Had she found out about Lily, he would have had no other choice but to eliminate her. His current priority in life was to keep Lily safe and unharmed, and his secondary interest was to maintain his facade and keep the rest of the world convinced that he was a loyal servant to the Dark Lord for as long as it took for Harry Potter to defeat Voldemort. Bellatrix could have easily ruined it all in a matter of seconds.

As much as Severus despised Bellatrix, and as firmly as he believed that the world would be a sunnier place without her, the thought of having to soil his hands with her blood made him shudder. Severus had taken part in many murders by witnessing them with no attempt to stop them, and he had wounded and crippled a number of his enemies, but he had not personally killed anyone in his life, save for Dumbledore. He surprised himself by feeling such aversion in response to the thought of killing a loathsome enemy such as Bellatrix, for he had thought himself to be a filthy, remorseless murderer at heart, incapable of feeling mercy or a sense of honour on a moment like this.

He was not sure whether to consider this as a sign of weakness, or as a proof of him being a better man than he had assumed himself to be.

Either way, he was glad that he had not been forced to spill Bellatrix's blood. Bellatrix Lestrange was not a person who could have simply gone missing without drawing anyone's attention with her unexplained absence. Someone would have eventually gone looking for her, and the traces might have lead another minion of the Dark Lord right back to Severus – and to Lily.

Unable to locate Lily anywhere inside the house, Severus decided to head outside, hoping to find her somewhere nearby well and uninjured. Just as he was about to depart, he began to hear a faint but frantic sound of knocking, eventually following the noise to the back door. Drawing out his wand, he opened the door warily.

"Lily!" he sighed in relief, happy to see her alive, but his relief melted quickly into confusion, realizing what state he had found her in.

Lily was standing in the drizzly rain wearing nothing but a towel – and a sparse selection of brown, slimy leaves and small twigs, which were plastered on various parts of her exposed skin – around her body. Her lips hard turned slightly blue, and her bare legs were covered in mud and blood. Nevertheless, she looked more irritated than hurt or upset, darting inside without saying another word to the dumbstruck Severus. He closed the door behind her and followed her to the sitting room, where she calmly sat on the sofa, as though nothing particularly strange had happened that afternoon.

"Not that I keep a list of all the stupid and highly annoying things I've been forced to do in my life," she began, frowning deeply, "- but if I did, I'm pretty sure that climbing out of a window semi-naked on a freezing day, and then jumping off the roof and landing on the filthy ground, still semi-naked, would easily make it to the top ten."

"What happened to you?" asked Severus.

"What I just described to you," she replied unceremoniously, "Bellatrix was coming, so I jumped out of the bathroom window – which, I tell you, is not nearly as fun as it sounds. I hurt my knee in the landing."

She gestured at the bloody cut on her leg, still seeming peculiarly unmoved by the fact that she had just narrowly escaped certain death, and possible torture.

"I think I'm going to be a cliché of an Englishwoman and fix myself a cup of tea," she said lightly in a chit-chatty manner, making her way toward the kitchen.

"Lily!" Severus shouted angrily, "Don't you realize that you almost died just a moment ago?"

She blinked several times. It wasn't until now that Severus realized that her hands were trembling, and that there was a frightened, frail look in her doe-like eyes.

"Yes. I almost did, didn't I?" she uttered, as if it was the first time she truly understood what had happened, and before Severus knew it, she had thrown herself against him, still stirring of both fear and cold. He closed his arms around her, letting her linger there for a good while, and then took off his cloak, wrapping it around her barely clad body.

"Are you alright?" he asked softly, guiding her back to the sofa. Lily nodded, swallowing her panic.

"I'm fine, except for the knee," she replied, "Did she see me?"

Severus shook his head. "No. She certainly suspected something, but I believe that she left thinking that she'd been mistaken. I think she bought the excuse I gave her. I know that she's not going to let this go just yet, but I'm convinced that she won't bring this to her master's attention before she's collected further proof to back up her accusations. Right now, she has none."

"Aside from that," Lily said, pointing her finger at his right hand.

It was on that tragic moment when Severus realized that he was still clutching on Lily's lingerie, which Bellatrix had thrown angrily at him at some point of their conversation. Flustered, he dropped the garment on the floor as if it was burning hot, staring modestly at the ceiling as Lily picked it up.

"This is all my fault," Lily groaned, hanging her head in shame, "You warned me about going outside, but I went there anyways."

"Never mind that now. What's done is done, and we cannot change it," said Severus, pacing nervously around the sitting room, trying to come up with a new plan. Somewhere along the way, the nasty-looking cut on Lily's knee caught his attention. "Let me take care of that for you," he said, swinging by the kitchen to pick up some healing herbs, taking a seat next to her on the sofa.

"Thanks," said Lily, stretching out her leg over his lap. For several long, tense minutes, they were both quiet. Severus concentrated on cleaning and healing the wound with the herbs, trying very hard not to become too aware of the feel of Lily's naked skin under his touch. He had too many important things to think about to be distracted senseless by Lily's state of undress.

"What are we going to do now, Sev?" Lily asked wearily.

"We have to move you," he replied, stating the obvious.

"Where?" asked she in distress, gazing at him sharply with her emerald eyes, "She said she's had people shadowing you. No place is any less dangerous than this, if you keep visiting me. She going to find me again sooner or later. All she has to do is to follow you, and then we'll both be finished."

"I know that," Severus replied darkly, while feverishly trying to think of a new sanctuary for her. Lily was right; he couldn't have hidden her anywhere else and keep on taking care of her daily needs without running the risk of leading Bellatrix back to her. He also famously lacked loyal friends and trustworthy allies who could have taken care of Lily in his place. He was running out of ideas.

"I don't want to be a burden," said Lily, biting her lip, "And I can't let anything bad happen to you because of me. Maybe it's better if I left, and -"

"Stop it, Lily," Severus sighed, "You know I'm not going to let you leave on your own. It's both my duty and my desire to keep you safe, and that's the end of that. If only I could be there to protect you without having to leave my post at Hogwarts."

"How about Hogsmeade? What if I went hiding there?" suggested Lily, "You could visit me every day without raising any suspicions."

"No," said Severus, shaking his head, "The village is full of bounty hunters and Death Eaters, and all the houses are being closely monitored. They'd find you there instantly."

"You're the Headmaster of Hogwarts, and a high-ranking Death Eater," Lily remarked, "Could you seclude a house in Hogsmeade and claim it for your personal use? You could tell everyone that you simply need a private and peaceful place to relax. You have the authority to do that, don't you?"

"True, but Bellatrix would still be suspicious," replied he, "She would not rest until she'd have the house inspected. There isn't any place private I could go to without feeding her distrust, save for my office, and my bedroom."

A moment of silence landed between them, as they both anxiously tried to come up with a solution to their problem.

"How about your bedroom, then?" asked Lily suddenly, "It's private enough, isn't it? Couldn't I stay there?"

Severus scratched his head. At first, the idea seemed ludicrous, but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense.

"I do have full control over my own personal chambers," he said, "It's perfectly guarded against uninvited guests. Nobody can enter the room without my permission – not even house-elves, or the castle ghosts."

"You'd be there to help me, and you'd never have to leave the castle. Bellatrix would not suspect a thing."

"I can't believe that we're considering this as a possibility", Severus said, shaking his head, "Hogwarts is the heart of the beast. It's run by two of the most ruthless Death Eaters I can name, and guarded by a legion of other servants of the Dark Lord."

"But do we have a choice?" asked Lily, "Severus, it's the only place where we can be together without endangering one another. Otherwise, we'll be forced to go on our separate ways."

Severus contemplated the thought for a brief moment. He could not tolerate the idea of parting of Lily – not only because of his insane love for her, but because he feared that Lily would not survive the outside world without his protection.

"You're right," he said eventually, "As a temporary solution, it's the best one I can think of. You should stay at Hogwarts till Midsummer. Right now, the safest place on earth for you is by my side."

It sounded very pompous and ridiculous when he said it out loud, but it made Lily smile at him.

All of a sudden, Lily began to laugh soundlessly. It wasn't pure, honest, joyful laughter, but the kind of hollow rumble of an exhausted, terrified person who has gone past the point of having normal reactions to horrible, desperate situations.

"What's so amusing?" asked Severus, still treating the wound on Lily's leg.

"The way you spoke to Bellatrix," she replied, "I realize that it's been a long time since the last time I saw her, and I guess that she has changed, but I still remember her as the snooty Slytherin girl who used to boss people around like the entire world was her domain. I remember how annoying it was to see how every boy in the school groveled at her feet just because she happened to be beautiful and rich, even though she was a heartless, mean, selfish person with no respect for anyone around her. I cannot over-emphasize how much I enjoyed hearing you humiliate her so effortlessly. I don't think I've ever seen her squirm like that."

Severus's thoughts flew to the distant past, as he tried to recall the day he had first met Bellatrix Black. She was several years older than him, but they had gotten closely acquainted with each other anyways, both being members the same circle of friends, bound together by their shared fascination with the Dark Arts – and by their growing dislike of everything Muggle.

Severus had originally not been as immune to her charm as he was today; like everyone else, he, too, had found her enchanting, and secretly yearned for her attention and approval, but his attraction to her had washed away very quickly once he had learned what she was truly like behind her beautiful face. Bellatrix might have been stunning, clever, and powerful, but she had also been obnoxious, arrogant, shallow, hateful, and malevolent – all traits Severus found unforgivably unappealing. She had openly despised all Muggles and Muggle-borns, unwealthy and unfortunate people, half-breeds, unattractive people, teachers, vast majority of the animal kingdom – anyone who had displeased her in any imaginable way. She had been the sum of everything Severus had loathed in a person – much like James Potter, only worse.

"Bellatrix Lestrange," he began, "- is a lovely combination of a spoiled little girl, and a blood-sucking eel. During all the years I've had the pleasure of being subjected to her intolerable presence, I've resolved to form the opinion that she is a deranged, conceited, arrogant sadist, whose vanity and fanaticism have grown to overshadow all the scraps of brilliancy she, admittedly, once possessed. She still thinks she's the same sixteen-year-old girl she used to be in her prime, expecting all to bow to her every whim simply because there once was a time in her life when she got everything she wanted because of her wealth and looks. There is a grain of truth to that sentence, for in a way, she has indeed not changed a bit in almost thirty years. Age has granted her no wisdom; if something, if possible, the years have only made her more insane, and more childish. If a higher might granted me a once-in-a-lifetime choice of ridding the world entirely of either anthrax-spreading rats, or of Mrs. Bellatrix Lestrange, I would do the world a bigger favour by sparing the rats."

"She's quite unlike you, then," said Lily quietly. A hint of a smile tugged up the corner of her mouth. Severus raised an eyebrow.

"Really? In what respect, particularly?" he asked.

"You're certainly not the same person you were when you were sixteen, either," she replied cryptically.

Severus frowned. He was not sure whether Lily had meant it as an insult, or as a compliment.

"No. I suppose I'm not," he replied merely, focusing on healing Lily's leg, and forgetting what she had said.

"There, I'm finished," he uttered, once the wound on Lily's knee had been completely cured, "Now go upstairs and pack your things. Take as little as you need, but take everything you brought with you when you first came here. I'll get rid of all signs of your stay in here in the meanwhile. We must leave this place as soon as the sun sets."

Lily nodded, and headed upstairs. Halfway up the stairs, she stopped, and turned around, returning to him.

"Severus..." she began tentatively, "Before we leave, I want to apologize for the way I've been treating you."

Severus blinked, confused.

"When? Just now, you mean?" he asked.

"In general," Lily said with an awkward shrug, and sighed, "Always." Severus still failed to understand what she was trying to say.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Lily," he answered anyways, though he was not entirely sure what she was referring to, "You've been overwhelmingly kind to me – kinder to me than anyone has been in my entire life."

"Well I'm sorry, Sev, but I don't think that your life offers the best measure of comparison when it comes to the kindness of people," Lily replied dryly, "Judging on what you told me last night, I wouldn't be surprised if that barn owl who urinated all over breakfast in our third year was in the top three of the kindest people in your life."

Severus frowned. He had, indeed, be hurt and insulted by Lily many times, but any pain he might have felt because of her paled in comparison to the bliss she had brought in his life.

Had the expression "light of my life" had not been tampered meaningless by careless over-usage, it would have been precisely the set of words Severus would have chosen to describe her. Lily had always been the main source of joy, longing, and inspiration in his life. As much as he had suffered because of her, he had not regretted having her in his heart even in his darkest, most desperate moments. In fact, it was very difficult for him to imagine his life without her, for what were joy, love, and happiness but gibberish words to him, had there been no Lily in his world to associate them with.

"You've never caused me any harm, and you've been the best friend I've ever had," he replied, careful not to insert too much emotion in his words to spare her from an uncomfortable moment, "That's more than enough kindness than I could ever ask for."

"I was cold-hearted and catty, and I let you down when you needed me the most," said Lily.

"And I joined the Death Eaters. You're hardly a match for me on this field," Severus replied.

"I'm serious, Sev."

She looked at him, eyes full of remorse. Whether she pleaded for his forgiveness, or the mere recognition of the fact that she knew what her mistakes were and deeply regretted them, Severus could not tell. He still did not genuinely feel like she owed him an apology.

"You acted like a human being," said he, "You did what you felt was right at the time. You're not the reason why I ended up making the biggest mistakes of my life, even though I might have claimed so in the past, the ungrateful bastard that I am. You do not owe me any more kindness than what you've already granted me, because I have deserved none of it. Trust me, Lily. I only think good of you."

He turned his face away from her, fearing that the conversation would again drift towards the one subject he knew neither of them wanted to bring up. The last thing they both needed was another awkward moment during which it would be established that 1. his sorry, pitiful little heart belonged completely to her, and only to her, and that 2. she did not care for it.

"I still feel like I've ruined your life."

She softened her words with a dry, humourless laughter, but it was obvious that she was completely serious.

"Well, you have not," he replied. _I've done it all by myself_. "That's the end of it, whether you accept it or not."

Lily gave him a sad smile before turning away from him. Once again, Severus felt like he was being pitied, and that he did not deserve it.

"You don't have to be so empathetic all the time," he said, knowing how Lily always insisted on feeling the pains of others, "It's not your job to carry the weight of the entire world on your shoulders, you know."

"It's not your job, either," she replied, glancing at him over her shoulder.

He weighed her words carefully before answering.

"Yes, it is," said he.


	21. Night Flight

"Ready?" Severus asked.

Lily nodded. She had done precisely what Severus had asked her to do; she had ran to the bedroom, gotten dressed, and grabbed a few essential items she imagined she would need at Hogwarts, stuffing her toothbrush, her wand, one of Eileen's nightgowns, and a fistful of undergarments down the pockets of her long overcoat before racing back downstairs. In the meanwhile, Severus had gone through every room of the house and destroyed all evidence that suggested that someone other than Severus had been recently living under his roof, leaving the place as lifeless and empty as it had been prior to her arrival. Still, they had had to wait for a few more hours for the dark, for Severus claimed that it would have been too dangerous for her to attempt to enter Hogwarts in daylight.

Now that they were finally leaving, Lily took a last, lingering look around the sitting room, and felt strangely wistful. As frustrating it had been for her to spend so many months trapped inside the cold, decaying house, the place had started to feel like a home – a home she was very likely to never see again. It had almost been like a friend to her, but now she had to leave it for good with such a short notice.

"I'm going to miss the place," she said and gave a melancholic sigh, running her hand against the railing of the staircase.

"Are you absolutely sure that you're leaving none of your possessions behind?" asked Severus solemnly, throwing his black cloak around his shoulders, "I don't want to leave any trace of you here for Bellatrix to find, if she decides to come back. Nothing here should hint her that you've been hiding here."

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm taking out everything I brought here with me. I'm wearing my own clothes underneath this, and everything else I have is in my pockets," Lily replied, gesturing at her coat.

"Good," said Severus, "That's it, then. I'll take us to Hogwarts now."

He gently placed one hand on her shoulder, and his other hand around her waist, careful not to hold her any closer than it was necessary.

Secretly, Lily wished that he would have held her tighter.

* * *

Seconds later, Lily and Severus Apparated on a windy hilltop near the edge of a forest. The landscape was unmistakably Scottish, but Lily was not sure where they were. She gazed at the narrow, milky-white strip of the Western side of the horizon, where the sun had just set, but she could not see Hogwarts anywhere in the distance.

"Where are we?" she asked, twirling around on her heels, pressing her hair against her shoulders to keep it from getting tangled by the raging wind.

"We're on the Southern edge of the Forbidden Forest, roughly fifteen miles away from Hogwarts," replied Severus, staring decisively at the dark sky above the woods, "It would have been dangerous for us to go any closer to Hogsmeade. The castle, Hogsmeade, and the land surrounding the village are well guarded against unauthorized visitors. The land has been cursed. Anyone who comes too close to the grounds after curfew gets immediately caught by the Dark Lord's men."

"So how will I get in unnoticed?" Lily asked. She had to practically shout to get her message through the howling of the wind.

"We'll fly," Severus replied plainly, "The curfew curse will have no effect on us if we won't touch the ground. The safest way to enter the castle is to fly across the Forbidden Forest straight into my chambers, concealed by an invisibility shield."

"Flying?" said Lily nervously, falling instantly pale, "No, no. _Nonono_. Please don't make me fly! I'm morbidly afraid of broomsticks, remember? First year, flying lessons, me being dragged through the muddy field and thrown in the lake by a malfunctioning broom? I nearly drowned! I still haven't flown a broom after that!"

She shuddered at the mere memory of her last experience flying a broom – she'd spent two weeks in the hospital wing recovering from the accident, and absolutely refused to take part in flying lessons afterwards. She had kept her feet firmly on the ground ever since, preferring all others imaginable means of transportation to brooms.

"Yes, I've never been too fond of brooms myself, either," Severus mused, absent-minded, casting a shield of invisibility around them, "Just hold on tight, and don't be afraid."

And with that, he scooped the unsuspecting Lily in his arms, ran down the hill, and took off.

Before Lily knew it, they were flying up in the air, high above the treetops of the Forbidden Forest. Lily screamed, curling her arms around Severus's neck and holding onto him like she held on to her dear life, watching in horror as they rose higher and higher up in the air. Severus was carrying her through the air like a seraph, although nothing was supporting him.

Once the initial shock wore off, Lily – who was still too stunned to pose valid questions like "Hey, Severus. It appears that you are defying gravity there. Would you mind briefly explaining me how, exactly, is this possible, and why, may I ask, has it never occurred to you to tell me about your shameless disregard of the laws of physics?", or shorter variations of the same theme, such as "What the fuck is happening?" – gave out a gasp out of sheer, dumb joy. She had entirely forgotten how it felt like to fly. It struck her breathless. For a moment, she completely forgot where they were, who they were, and why she had been so scared, and focused fully on the wonderful feeling of weightlessness as she soared trough the sky in Severus's strong arms.

Once they had risen so high that their heads were nearly touching the lowest whisps of clouds above them, they stopped moving up, and started gliding forwards through the cool night air. Severus shifted into a vertical position, extending his legs so that he was standing on a column of air as though it had been solid ground. Without a warning, he released Lily's legs, still keeping his arm tightly wrapped around her shoulders. She screamed, and instantly flung her arms around his neck to keep herself from falling, nearly elbowing him in the eye in panic.

"Lily, you're choking me, and you're pulling us both down. Unless you wish instant death for us both – _stop_," said Severus calmly, "Just put your feet down and walk. You will not fall, as long as I keep holding you."

Scared senseless, but still sober enough to tell that it was probably best for her to do exactly as Severus instructed her to do, she tentatively lowered her feet, feeling the terrible, unforgiving nothing below them. She looked down at Severus's feet, and gasped; Severus wasn't just flying – he was walking, no,_ gliding_ through the sky, and it looked like he could have done it much more gracefully, had Lily not been dragging him down like a sack of potatoes.

"How do you do that?" she asked breathlessly, getting no reply from Severus, who was busy trying to make her stand straight and move on her own.

"Walk," he said simply, and so Lily did. She took a daring step forward, and then another. The matter beneath her soles did not feel solid. It felt like air, pure and simple, but when Lily stepped down and took a bouncing, feather-light step forward, gravity seemed to forget that she existed. Instead of falling, she glided forwards with every step she took, as if she was skating on misty ice.

"That's it. Just walk on, and keep your eyes in the horizon. It helps you maintain your balance," said Severus, lowering his right arm to her waist while gripping her by the arm with his left one so that it was easier for both of them to move. She was pressed up so closely to his side that she could feel his chest vibrating when he spoke, and it made her shiver more than the fear of death, and the excitement of flying – which, she would think in retrospect, spoke volumes of the way she had started to feel for Severus, even though she still refused to acknowledge the truth.

It got easier when she stopped being afraid. Soon, walking on air felt almost as easy as walking on solid ground, and so she stopped focusing all her attention on the movement of her feet, beginning to observe the world around her instead.

The night was stunningly beautiful. There were a few veil-thin strands of clouds above them, but the sky was mostly clear, and brilliantly lit by the full moon, which shone brightly among a sea of stars. The ground below them was no less spectacular; the moonlit forests, hills, and fields were like pictures from a storybook, and the distant villages looked like clusters of jewels in the black horizon.

The sight was indeed unbelievable. But soon, Lily found herself staring at Severus.

He was looking straight ahead of him with a grave, focused look in his black eyes, moonlight illuminating his pale, angular face. Lily remarked that she had never seen him looking so pleasing, with the moonlight and the wind caught in his black hair, looking so fearless, determined, and strong, without a hint of self-doubt straining his features. She felt the warmth of his body, and the beating of his heart through the fabric of his clothes against her frame, and felt a thrill that the thrill of flying could have never competed with.

After a few minutes of being gawked by Lily, Severus glanced at her from the corner of his eye, meeting her adoring gaze. Flustered, he lost his focus and nearly fell over (here, Lily gave another shriek) but luckily managed to regain his balance, and decided not to look at Lily again while they were still up in the air.

Nearly an hour later, they finally saw the towers of Hogwarts emerging in the dark horizon.

"Can't they see us from down below?" asked Lily, as they flew across the village of Hogsmeade, which looked depressingly gloomy and silent even from above.

"No, we're safe," replied Severus, "The invisibility spell will shield us from their eyes. I've flown back and forth this very same aerial trail countless times – almost every time I came to see you – and they've yet to catch a glimpse of me. Now, take a tighter hold of me. The landing might be bumpy."

They were approaching Hogwarts in rapid speed. Lily curled her arms around Severus's neck again, and prepared for a crash as they headed towards one of the towers. They landed most ungracefully with a loud thump; Severus had to pin her tightly against the steep hedge of the roof to keep both of them from falling.

"Are you alright?" he asked. Lily nodded frantically, though she was still breathing in gasps.

"Good," he replied, releasing her, "My chamber is right over there. Let's go inside before anyone sees us."

They slid down to the edge of the rooftop, and climbed down to Severus's balcony, which was fortunately easy to access.

"So," Lily said flatly, as Severus lowered himself to the balcony, "You can fly."

"Yes," he said unceremoniously, "I'm sorry that I didn't warn you. I thought you might not be too thrilled about the idea of traveling like this because your fear of heights, and I didn't have time to persuade you. It would have been too dangerous for us to stay out there for too long."

He offered her his hand to help her climb down, and she grabbed it. Her hand twitched, a little bit.

"I don't have a fear of heights," said she, following Severus inside the pitch-dark room, "I have an irrational fear of _brooms._ There's a difference. I jumped out of a window today, remember?"

Severus had disappeared somewhere in the darkness, and wouldn't answer to her.

"So, this how you've been coming to me all these months?" she said, gazing out of the window, "Climbing on rooftops, jumping out of windows, and flying across the forest without a broom? Kind of a devil-may-care-sort of way to travel, don't you think? I never thought that..."

Suddenly, all the lights in the room – dozens and dozens of candles – were lit, and Lily could finally see where exactly Severus had brought her. She gasped in wonder, and completely forgot to finish her sentence.

Severus's room was roughly the size of a small chapel – and it quite reminded one, too, because the ceiling was arched and supported by thick columns, and the windows were tall and narrow, giving the shady room a Gothic flair. Still, the room wasn't the slightest bit intimidating or bleak; it was warm and inviting like a reading sanctuary. The colours in the room were green, blue, silver, and gold, and they reminded Lily of an underwater cave, even though they were on the top of a tall tower.

It was a staggeringly beautiful room full of magnificent details; there was a large, decorative fireplace, with small columns shaped like griffins, and there were Medieval tapestries hanging on the walls, which portrayed dragons, sea-monsters, and other beautiful creatures. A small statue of a gargoyle was sitting on the desk, and there was a golden spyglass at one of the windows, and in one of the corners, there was a glass cabinet full of potions of a variety of sizes, shapes, and colours, all (as Lily safely assumed) hand-made by Severus himself. There was an enchanted fresco on the ceiling depicting all the astrological signs on the nightly sky.

Just like Severus's house at Spinner's End, the room was sparsely furnished; in addition to the desk and the potion cabinet, the only other pieces of furniture in the room were the two enormous bookcases at the back of the room, the four-poster bed with green curtains, the large armchair in front of the fireplace, and the few odd end tables and stools. Still, the room looked much cozier, warmer, and more lively than the house Lily had spent the past few months in. It was evident that Severus spent most of his time here in this chamber, for there were signs of him everywhere, such as the black cloaks hanging on the wall, or the notes scribbled in his handwriting on the desk. The place looked like Severus.

Lily spent a good while doing nothing but gaping her mouth in amazement, until Severus finally broke the silence.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, taking off his cloak and throwing it on the armchair.

"No, nothing, it's just... I don't think I've ever been to a room quite as spectacular as this one!" said the awe-struck Lily. Severus took a dull glance around the room.

"Yes. All the chambers in this tower are rather extravagant," he replied unenthusiastically, blind to the beauty of his home.

"Well, this one is still the most beautiful I've ever seen. Almost more beautiful than the Great Hall," said Lily with a smile, "I would have never expected your room to be this stunning."

"Really?" asked Severus, raising an eyebrow, "Then what did you expect?"

"Oh, the usual," she replied with a shrug, "Dark, eerie corners. Animal rugs. Half-finished, dubious scientific experiments. Heads-in-jars..."

Severus gave a deep frown. Lily gave him a cheeky smile.

"I just couldn't have imagined anything this beautiful, that's all. For no particular reason," she replied, running her hand against the smooth, green velvet of the armchair in front of the fireplace.

Just then, Lily noticed a large raven sitting on a bust of Apollo on the top of one of the bookcases. It tilted its head and eyed her suspiciously.

"Hello!" she said coyly to the black bird, "What's your name, you pretty little thing?"

"His name is Dante," explained Severus, giving a passing half-smile to the raven, "I find ravens to be more clever and more subtle than owls. They don't draw too much attention to themselves. Dante's been my loyal companion for years."

All of a sudden, Lily realized that Severus was standing close to her again – too close for comfort, apparently, for yet again she became painfully aware of the electricity between them, which weakened her ability to think rationally.

"So, where do I sleep?" she asked, just to get an excuse to step a little bit further away from him.

"You can have the bed," said Severus, pointing at the four-poster bed in the middle of the room.

"No, I don't want to steal your bed," Lily replied with a sheepish wince, "I don't want to trouble you any more than I have to. I'll just sleep on the floor, if you don't mind. It's fine, really."

"I'm not going to sleep in my bed anyways. I haven't slept in it for might as well have it," said Severus. Lily raised her eyebrows, puzzled.

"The students have started a rebellion against the Carrows – and me, obviously," said Severus, providing an answer to her unasked question, "Some of them have gone hiding, and only come out at night to cause general mischief to show us that they're not going to yield. It's perfectly harmless, for us, but the Carrows are taking disobedience very seriously. Anyone caught in the halls after curfew will be severely punished."

"Punished?" asked Lily, eyes round.

"Tortured," said Severus, giving her a dark look, "That is, however, only if they get caught by the Carrows. I myself prefer milder punishments, of course. I've convinced the Carrows that that Dark Lord wants me to gain the students' trust by posing as the kind and just authority, while they've secured a reputation as merciless brutes. I've told them that it's a crucial part of a sophisticated plan to break the students' resistance. That's why they do not question me when I refrain from using violence against the students, but I do not have a proper excuse to limit their bloodlust. Thus, the only way for me to protect them is to keep constantly one step ahead of the Carrows, especially by night."

"These," he continued after a brief rhetoric pause, and pointed at a row of small silver bells, which hung on the wall next to the door; each bell was marked with a letter and a number, "- alert me when someone is violating the curfew. They start to ring when somebody passes by one of the magical detectors I've set up around the school. I had a similar one protecting the front door back at Spinner's End. It warned me about Bellatrix. When one of the bells ring at night, I immediately get up to find out who's out there. Most of the time it's just Peeves, or Filch, or Filch's old cat. Sometimes it's a faculty member taking a midnight walk. And sometimes, too often, it's a student trying to do something heroic, and that's when I'm needed there. If either one of the Carrow siblings catches a student in the act, the punishment will be cruel and terrible. But if I beat them to it, I may grant the child a merciful punishment. That's why I'm here for."

Lily dropped her jaw in horror, hoping that Severus was only joking, but the pained look in his eyes alone told her that he was telling her the truth.

"And that's why you don't sleep at night?" she said. Now she realized how awfully tired Severus looked. He looked like he hadn't slept well in weeks.

He nodded stiffly, still staring at the silver bells hanging on the wall, "Yes. That is why I do not sleep."

"How can people like that exist?" she said in disgust, "How can they hurt children, just like that?"

"They can, they have, and they will. As often as they please, using any excuse they can find," Severus replied, emotionless, "I suppose it's human nature. Give a person enough power, and there's no end to their cruelty. We're all beasts inside."

He gazed at Lily, and she detected a hint of sadness in his eyes, "I can't stop them. They get their orders straight from the Dark Lord himself. They've been assigned to crush the spirit of the rebellion by any means possible. Their job is to force the entire student body into total submission by torturing and punishing everyone who dares to defy them."

Lily sat quietly on one of the chairs, feeling like she had just swallowed a tombstone. Severus had never described her the specifics of his secret mission at Hogwarts. She had known that the situation was bad, but she had never expected it to be _this_ bad,both for the students, who had to live under a constant threat of violence, and for Severus, who had to spend most of his time and resources secretly trying to protect them. She felt an additional sting of guilt twisting her insides when she thought of all the time and energy Severus had invested in helping her, when he could have spent all that time resting or watching the children, and how she'd only given him more problems, temper-tantrums, and heartache in return.

A part of her wished that she'd never come to him in the first place, for now she felt like she had been nothing but trouble to him.

Just then, one of the silver bells began to ring. Severus immediately grabbed his cloak, and strolled silently to the door, glancing at her over his shoulder before he departed.

"Welcome back to Hogwarts, Lily," he said sourly, "I'm sorry that it is no longer the way you remember it."


	22. Limbo

And so Lily moved in.

Severus knew better that to get too excited about having her as his guest, knowing how his life had a tendency of getting a whole lot more terrible every time it got a little bit better. It hurt less to come crashing down from the stratosphere of bliss when he never got that high to begin with.

After Easter, the situation with the students had started to get out of hands. The last remaining students who still persistently attended the chaotic school had divided in two rivalling camps, the small number of neutral students with no strong ties to either side as a minority. There was the small group of privileged students who followed Voldemort – or, at the very least, _claimed _to follow him to stay on the good side of the Carrows – and then there was the underground resistance movement, allegedly lead by Neville Longbottom, which gained more and more recruits every week. There were more and more empty seats at the tables of the Great Hall every morning, as more and more students disappeared into the secret hideouts of Dumbledore's Army's, and because of this, Severus had to spend more and more time patrolling in the dark corridors of the castle at night, hoping to catch the rebelling students before either one of the Carrows did.

"I wish they'd stop trying to martyr themselves," he told Lily one day, "Perhaps it's just me, but I find that even the most stupid people are more useful alive than dead. They'll gain nothing out of getting themselves killed. Shows what a deadly combination courage and utter idiocy is."

But he did not mean it, not really. While it would have indeed been easier for him had the students been more submissive, Severus secretly began to harbour deep respect for young Neville Longbottom (who Severus had never held in high esteem) and his friends for putting up a fight. Severus would have never guessed that they had it in them to stand up against Voldemort without Dumbledore's guidance and protection. Somewhere in the depths of his heart, he admitted that they were much stronger and much braver than he had expected them to be.

Disgruntled as he was for having his secret mission sabotaged by the very people he tried to protect, Severus still did everything he could to keep the children safe and unharmed. He rarely slept at night, and when he did, he slept sitting up on his chair with his clothes on, one hand resting on his wand, ready to get up whenever the small silver alarm bells would start to ring. He prepared himself draughts that reduced his need for rest, but the draughts gave him an infernal headache, so most of the time he tried to keep himself awake by pacing around his room and simply avoiding sleep. During his rare moments of sleep, he often dreamt of revisiting half-forgotten places he had not seen since he had been a child. Sometimes, he dreamt of being dragged down into a black swamp by dark, muddy hands. Most of the time, he dreamt of nothing at all.

It was, even in comparison to other depressing episodes he'd gone through in his past, a terrible time in his life, and yet in spite of it all, every day a wave of delight and fleeting happiness grazed his bleak world, making it tolerable for one passing moment. It was the moment at the end of each day when he finally retreated to his chambers and saw Lily, who always greeted him with a stellar smile.

A part of Severus wished this hellish, wonderful period in his life would never end. Every passing day widened the gap between him and Lily by another inch. Midsummer was well on the way; soon, much too soon, she would be gone, and the thought of losing her again was driving him mad with grief and terror. He tried to sooth himself by thinking that it was for the best – that Lily truly needed to go back to her own time to fix the mistakes of the past – but he could not help but feel absolutely crushed when he counted the ever-fading number of days he got to spend with her. A future without her seemed black and hopeless. She still had a firm, wrenching grip on his heart, no matter how hard he tried to froget his doomed feelings for her.

The thought of losing Lily was especially painful now that they had – at last – ran out of things to fight about. There were no more secrets between them – no shocking reveals to be made, nor unfinished arguments to settle, nor ancient grudges to bury. The open wounds had all healed, and a strange tranquility had began to fill up the vacant space bitterness had been occupying for so long. For the first time since their childhood, clear air was the only barrier between them. When Severus looked at Lily, he did not see a woman he had lost, or a friend who had betrayed him. He only saw her.

Yet, Severus could not be completely at ease when Lily came near to him. In fact, having her so close to him so often was only making him more uncomfortable night after night. He would have loved to say with perfect honesty that his love for Lily was so sublime and spiritual that he'd gone beyond feeling common lust for her, or, at the very least, that he was honourable and strong enough to keep the physical desire he felt for her buried somewhere within him where it could not bother either one of them, but the truth was that he was not capable of either. He did desire Lily so badly that he could hardly contain himself, and it was getting harder and harder for him to conceal it.

Severus had been fantasizing about Lily ever since the sweaty, desperate nights of his early puberty, but after she had died, all sexual thoughts involving her had fled his mind. He had not been able to think of her without being struck to the heart with mindless pain and guilt, and thus it had become impossible for him to feature her in his dirty daydreams. It had felt wrong. And so, for well over fifteen years, the Lily of his imagination had been a distant, saint-like, unearthly creature of pure spirit with no flesh about her for the loathsome, worthless Severus to covet. However, as soon as she had returned to him, that powerful, burning, screaming desire he had once felt for her had rushed back into his veins with the force of a tidal wave, and it had not let him rest in peace since.

At nights, he listened to her breathing and turning in her sleep behind the closed curtains of the bed, and he could not focus on anything he was trying to do. He could stare at a page of a book for an hour and see nothing but a gibberish mess where the words should have been when the mere awareness of her presence distracted him to the point of being totally unable to function. Whenever he closed his eyes, it did not take long for him to see her there, and nothing but a severe blow to the head could have helped him clear his mind. Every night, he became more and more consumed by a hunger he knew she would never satisfy. He disgusted himself.

Still, growing sexual frustration was a price he paid eagerly for getting to be with Lily. It was a fair bargain, for having her even as a friend was way more than he dared to even dream of. It occurred to him one day that because of her, he now felt less lonely than he had felt in decades, even though roughly the entirety of the rest of the world was against him. It was a lovely, foreign feeling, and it made him realize why Lily had become such an important figure in his life. Despite their arguments, despite their differences, and despite the mistakes they had both made, Lily was the only friend he had ever had, and the only ally of his who remained by his side here in the middle of the war, when everything seemed to be going straight to hell.

He was reminded of that lost time so far away in his past that it almost felt like a fragment of a dream – the time before the night he had taken the Mark, and before the day Lily had turned against him – back when she had been just Lily and he had been just Severus, when he had gazed up at the open sky and felt neither fear nor despair; when, briefly, and for no particular reason at all, he had been happy. He surprised himself by suddenly remembering that there had been, after all, a time in his life when he had been guided by a vague notion that there was indeed something real and beautiful in the world worth reaching for.

He still did not know what it was.

* * *

From Lily's point of view, she, Severus, and the raven Dante might as well have been the only three living souls in the entire castle.

Looking out of the window of the tall tower, she could only see the faraway treetops of the Forbidden Forest, and the steel grey surface of the lake. She never saw anyone flying a broomstick over the water, or spending an afternoon strolling down the bank of the lake. The whole castle was as quiet and haunting as a catacomb, as if all joy and life had been been sucked out of it. Hogwarts was indeed not what it used to be.

Her days went by in the speed of adrift glaciers, and they were filled with long, quiet hours of solitude when Severus was working at his office by day, or patrolling in the corridors at night. She spent her time reading Severus's books, by standing idly by the window and looking through wingow at the gloomy landscape, and by feeling absolutely, completely, pathetically useless in her little shelter from the storm. Severus was suffering, and there was nothing she could do to help him. It wasn't until now when she began to fully to understand just how stressful and dangerous it was to be Severus Snape, seeing how much of his time was spent secretly watching over the students. It was clearly getting to him, for he looked older and wearier every day.

Not an hour passed by when she was not weighed down by the immense guilt and sorrow she felt for Severus. It ached her that she could not help him fight his battle, and it tore her up inside to think about all the trouble she had caused him in her life – especially in recent times, when she had been burdening him with her presence while he clearly had better and more important things to do with his life than to nurse an ungrateful childhood friend like her. She certainly had enough time to think about the way she had been treating him in the past few months – how she'd yelled at him, mocked him, and doubted him, and still accepted his help and protection he had gone in great lengths to provide her. She had been mean, self-absorbed, and cold-hearted without even realizing it, thinking that she had been the one who had been wronged in the past and thus had every right to be mad at him. Now when she looked back at the much-discussed time in their friendship, she could not help but be disgusted by herself.

And here she was again, occupying Severus's life, bringing him more trouble, and nothing else. She asked him almost every day whether there was anything she could do to help him, but he always told her that she was doing him a greater favour by just keeping herself safe and hidden. Eventually, she stopped asking, and resolved to just being there for him. She kept her infamous temper under control, and was as kind, friendly, and sweet to him as she could. Every time he came to his room, she engaged him in a relaxing conversation, asked him whether he had eaten anything, persuaded him to sleep a little bit, and tried her best to make him smile.

During their conversations, Lily was always overwhelmed by both joy and sorrow. She was slowly becoming more and more aware of how much she did adore Severus, who was indeed the loveliest person she had ever known, which was why it killed her to think about how little time they had left together. What would happen to him when she went home and changed the past? Would this wonderful, wise, beautiful Severus simply cease to exist, or would he gone on with his bleak life without her? Either way, the future scared her, because she feared he would not make it.

"How long do you think they're going to believe you?" she asked him once warily.

"Who?" he replied sourly, "The Dark Lord and his men, or the Order of the Phoenix?"

She wished that she could have been like the angel he seemed to take her for (which she most certainly was not, as she knew very well). If she had been as good and righteous as he clearly expected her to be, she thought, she would have known what to do to make him happy as he deserved to be. She would have eagerly done anything at all to make his life even slightly more bearable, but she simply didn't know what he wanted.

...No, that wasn't true at all. She knew exactly what he wanted. She could feel it as a burning, icy flame beneath her skin whenever he looked at her, but she kept herself in a constant state of discomfort by not allowing herself to admit why he made her feel the way he did. She knew what he wanted of her, but she also knew that she could not give it to him for so many reasons that she almost drove herself into tears by naming them all. James was just one of them. She could never grant him what he craved, needed, and deserved, because he was Severus, and because she was Lily, and because some things were simply not meant to be.

If Lily had thought that the physical attraction she had started to feel for Severus in the wake of his confession would eventually wear off by itself, she had been wrong. If something, the situation had only gone worse; she felt like she was constantly sexually harassing him with her eyes. She had to battle constant urges to run her hands against his long back, and to trace his sharp, elegant jawline with her fingers, and to open the buttons of his shirt and press herself against his bare chest. Whenever he came near to her, her body seemed to become hyper-aware of his, and lo – there went her ability to think chastely and rationally. She desperately hoped that Severus would not practice his mind-reading abilities on her, for she couldn't have offered him a decent explanation for her impure thoughts.

At nights, she laid awake on Severus's bed, listening to him pace around the room restlessly, trying to summon the courage to open the curtains and... something. She did not even know what she wanted of him. She did not even know what to say to him, for she knew from experience that her words had a tendency to pierce his iron skin like darts, even though the last thing she wanted was to hurt him.

It seemed that she had been designed to break his heart, whether she wanted it or not.


	23. To Be Honest

"You look unwell, Lily."

Lily jumped a little bit – she had not even realized that she had been staring at Severus again, or that he had noticed it, being seemingly busy with the stack of report cards he was working on at his desk – but this time she was not in the mood to quickly look away and pretend that she was actually reading the book she was holding on her lap.

"_I _look unwell?" she said, smiling wearily, "Speak for yourself, dear."

Severus had started to look even thinner and paler than usual in the past few weeks. His cheeks were hollow, and the dark shadows under his eyes were even blacker. He was neither eating nor sleeping well.

"Is there something you need?" he said coolly without even glancing at her, ignoring her comment, "You look distressed."

"That's because I am," said Lily, putting her neglected book aside, and drifted over to the desk, "But I'm fine myself. Thanks for asking.'"

She sat on the edge of Severus's desk. He instantly stopped writing with his quill, and went completely still. It looked like he needed a few seconds to gather himself before being able to tilt his head and look up at her.

"I just - ," she began, and momentarily forgot what she had been about to say, for her thoughts often became foggy when she became too aware of the charge between them, "- I'm feeling useless around here, doing nothing. I wish there was something I could do to help."

Severus's eyes were beautiful – sharp, intelligent, and so brown that they were almost black. One had to get this close to make out the real colour of the irides. He looked so malnourished and sickly that she was tempted to put her hand on his forehead to check his body temperature. Looking at him, she was certain that his skin was either burning hot, or as cold as the skin of a dead man.

"Ah, it's this old complaint again," Severus replied wryly, and tore his eyes off her, "The other day, I remembered I do have something that might help you."

He left her alone at the desk, and walked up to one of his enormous bookcases. He eventually returned with a worn black notebook, which he opened up only to reveal it to be full of empty, white pages.

"_This is a diary of hate_," he said, tapping the book with the tip of his wand, and suddenly hand-written words began to appear on the blank pages. "That's only the password," he explained quickly, "Something out of a book I once read. It has little to do with the content of this book."

"What is that?" asked Lily, leering at the enchanted notebook with a spark of curiosity in her green eyes.

"It's my old journal. I kept it during the first war," he replied, handing the book over to Lily, "I thought you might find it useful, if you're going to prevent the battles, attacks, and assassinations from ever occurring. All the important names and dates are listed here."

Lily raised her eyebrows, "You're giving me your _diary_?" It was very uncharacteristic of Severus to freely reveal any part of his carefully guarded inner world.

"It's not that kind of a journal," said he, frowning, "There's nothing personal in it, if that's what you think. Only names, dates, observations, and deductions."

Lily opened the book at random, recognizing Severus's neat handwriting instantly, and read from the top of the page:

_February 15, 1980_

_Attack at the Ministry of Magic during the Valentine's Day Ball. I was not involved._ _According to to the Death Eater I spoke to earlier this day (Karkaroff? I am still not entirely sure whether it's him. He seems too cowardly to be a part of the movement), a group of Death Eaters crashed the party with a vague and poorly constructed plan to cause mischief and general havoc. If they had another aim besides the rather purposeless rampaging, I am yet to find out about it. I also do not know whether they were acting on their own accord, or if they were following the Dark Lord's commands – I strongly suspect the former. Macnair, Rosier, Crabbe, and two others were involved, but they were narrowly outnumbered by the opponent (Potter, S. Black, Pettigrew, Lupin, Evans, McKinnon, and the Prewett brothers were present). Nobody died, nobody was captured._

Lily blinked, as though something small and sharp had gotten in her eye. It was disturbing to see her an action of hers being described on paper before she had even made it. It was equally strange to see Severus referring to her plainly as _Evans_. Her name stood among the rest, as if it had no particular significance to him.

She flipped open another page, and yet again the name Evans caught her attention:

_March 21, 1980_

_Last night, the Dark Lord and a group of men (me, the Lestranges, Yaxley, Rosier, Malfoy, Wells, and three others) attacked the Gryffindor Alumni Gathering at Ambrosia Hall. A quick battle ensued; the Aurors arrived almost immediately, and the party guests fled Wells, two Aurors (D. Edwards, S. Vance), and three party guests whose names I've yet to find out were killed. The Dark Lord shocked us all by publicly asking Potter, Evans, and the Longbottoms to join him (why? Evans is a Muggle-born, and hence unfit to join. Was the Dark Lord expecting them to decline so that he could execute them to show everyone what happens to those who defy him, or did he genuinely want them to join him? Investigate). They refused, naturally, and the Dark Lord proceeded to giving them two more chances (which they all turned down) to become his followers before continuing the battle. Neither Potter, Evans, nor the Longbottoms were harmed during the battle._

"In retrospect, I was a fool for writing down all that classified information without even bothering to use code language," Severus mused, "The book is enchanted so that I alone can make its contents visible, but enchantments can be broken. If anyone else from either side had read what's written there, I would have been executed at once."

"Why take the risk, then?" asked Lily, moving her eyes to Severus. His face was dark and hard, like an impenetrable wall.

"Because I didn't want to be kept in the dark", he replied, "The Dark Lord made sure that none of his men knew all that he knew by giving us only crumbs of information, dividing the details of his plans between his followers like pieces of a puzzle so that all of us knew little, but not everything. That was his way of keeping us under control – making sure that his men knew enough about his larger plans to do what he wanted them to do, but not enough to get the big picture, just in case somebody was to turn against him. He also forced us to keep our identities a secret to one another so that we could not share information and plot against him behind his back, or rat on each other if we got caught – a needless precaution, I might add, since for most of us it was hardly a secret who we all were beneath our masks. I eventually started writing down everything I saw and heard to get a clearer picture of what was going on, because I didn't want to go on risking my life on missions without knowing what exactly I was fighting for, and with whom I was fighting."

Lily browsed through the notebook again, noting that many of the entries seemed to contain speculations of his unidentified comrades. She tried to imagine what had gone on in the mind of the twenty-year-old Severus Snape, picturing him as a the angry, bitter, betrayed, lonely young man he used to be, and she wondered what exactly had driven him to join the Death Eaters. It certainly seemed as though he had not been devoted to the cause in the first place. He spoke of _them_, when he meant _us_, clearly not likening himself to other Death Eaters as though he was a mere impartial observer instead of a part of the group. The way he wrote about Voldemort spoke subtly of great distrust and obvious dislike. Young Severus did not seem to honour him or his followers. What had possessed him to become such a committed member of the organization, if not admiration or idealism?

Perhaps the reason Severus had chosen Voldemort's side was that the other side had rejected him too many times. She had certainly done so, at least once.

"Thank you, Sev. I'm sure this will be useful to me," said Lily with a polite smile, closing the notebook and placing it on the desk. She neglected to mention that when she had asked him whether there was something she could do to help, she had in fact meant helping him, right here and right now.

Severus took her thanks with a silent nod. Then he opened his cabinet of herbs, taking out a glass jar which contained dried leaves of green tea. Lily's smile instantly withered away.

"You're not going to stay up again, are you?" she asked. Her face was shadowed by concern.

"I have to," replied he, conjuring up a kettle of hot water with a flick of his wand.

"Severus, _please_," she said anxiously, "You can't go on like that. You need to get some sleep. _Real_, uninterrupted sleep. Look, I admire what you do, but you can't protect those kids if you won't even take care of yourself. Please stay in, for just this once. I can stay up and keep watch, in case you're afraid you won't wake up if one of the bells starts to ring. I promise to wake you up instantly."

"Thank you, but that wouldn't help me anyways. I couldn't sleep well even if I tried. I can't remember the last time I slept through the entire night. I never thought my incurable insomnia could be a benefit," replied Severus stoically.

"You know, you could fix yourself a sleeping potion," suggested she, "A Dreamshade potion should help you get through the night."

"A _potion _you say?" said Severus, scratching his chin theatrically, "What a deliciously ludicrous idea! It would have never even occurred to me to try one, being merely a simple old Potions Master with no experience of such things."

He gave a sly look at the dumbfound Lily, who almost failed to see the hint of a smile in the corner of his mouth.

"A joke? Now you joke?" she said with an unamused snort, folding her arms.

"I've been suffering from severe insomnia for years, and I've been drinking Dreamshade up to the point that it could be considered substance abuse. As a result, not only have I developed a downright resistance to the effect of the potion, but it also tends to give me a terrible headache which makes the effects of sleep deprivation feel euphoric in comparison," explained Severus calmly.

"Then why won't you just soften it with lavender and nettles? The combination of the two gives you a light but energizing sleep."

Severus frowned, and eyed Lily with a confused look on his face, as though she had spontaneously started speaking a foreign language he did not understand.

"Oh come on, I shouldn't be the one educating you about potions!" she sighed and rolled her eyes. Then she scooted over to the herb cabinet, collected the required ingredients into her arms, and lighted a fire under the cauldron in the corner of the room, "Here, look. Just add seven leaves of dried nettles, and a handful of crushed lavender into the water, stir twelve times counter-wise and wait three minutes before adding the other ingredients. It takes away the edge, so it shouldn't cause you a headache, or similar negative side-effects."

Severus narrowed his eyes, and stared into the cauldron pensively.

"Lavender and nettles, of course!" he exclaimed, "Impressive! Why have I not thought of this before? Where did you learn to do this?"

"I came up with it myself," said Lily with a smug grin, "In case you've forgotten, you weren't the only one had a passion for potions at school. Remember how we used to experiment with ingredients and create recipes of our own?"

"Yes, I do," said Severus, with a mild smile on his lips.

They prepared the potion together, which reminded Lily of those Potions lessons they had spent together, chopping four-leaved clovers for their bubbling cauldrons side-by-side like conjoined twins. She had switched places after their fight, of course, being forced to take a seat next to James since there had been nowhere else to sit. James had been terrible with potions, and he had been more interested in making conversation with her and stuffing flobberworms up his nose for the amusement of his friends than in preparing draughts and brews. She had eventually began to tolerate and even like James, but he had made an awful partner, and as a result her marks had began to slip slightly. It had never been the same with him as it had been with Severus.

"There, it's finished," Lily said, pouring the rosy liquid into a goblet, which she handed over to Severus, "It takes about ten minutes for the effect to kick in."

Severus stared at the goblet, and then at Lily, making no move to reach for the vessel.

"Please," said Lily softly, "Drink it. For my sake."

He exhaled, grabbed the potion, and emptied it with one long gulp.

"There," he growled, placing the empty goblet on the desk, "Satisfied?"

"Very," she beamed, "Now lay down on the bed."

Severus sat on the bed reluctantly and began to loosen the top buttons of his shirt, but stopped when he realized that Lily was becoming sweaty and flustered again (though he was mistaken about the exact reason behind the symptoms). Then he laid down on the bed in a position which reminded Lily of a corpse lying in an open coffin. She laid gingerly down beside him on the other side of the bed, and even though she intentionally left a safe distance between them, she felt Severus growing even tenser and stiffer. There didn't seem to be a relaxed muscle in his body, as long as she disturbed her with her closeness.

"Relax," she said, "I'll stay awake for you, as I promised. I'll wake you up if somebody needs you."

"Thank you, Lily," he said, staring firmly at the ceiling of his four-poster bed.

Lily sighed, and turned to her side, facing Severus, even though he would not look at her.

"What are you going to do when all this is over?" she asked. Severus gave a cynical snort.

"Why do you assume that this will ever end during my lifetime?"

"Because it has to. And we have to win. I can't even think of the alternative," she said.

She saw a vague flash of a world where she could not prevent the horrors which awaited her in the future of her own time – in other words, this world, and this time this Severus inhabited. All that would _not _happen. She would not allow it to happen, as she kept repeating in her mind.

"Doesn't it bother you that you're always in denial about every negative aspect of your life?" asked Severus.

"I'm not in denial. I'm just being optimistic," Lily replied, "I don't want to think about unsolvable problems that upset me."

"Yes, exactly. That means being in denial," said Severus, glancing at her from the corner of his eye, "Every time you face an obstacle, you set out to overcome it without even considering the possibility that you might fail. Now, I can see that this can often be an asset, as keeping your focus on the positive seems to give you the strength to fight, but you can't always insist on being completely blind to the chance of failure. Even the luckiest person in the world has to lose sometimes. You, too, must face setbacks, failure, and death sooner or later in your life. If you've never prepared yourself to face loss, how are you going to deal with it when it hits you?"

She contemplated his words carefully before answering. Severus was right – she did have a habit of avoiding facing her problems at all costs. He was also right about it being both a benefit, and a hindrance.

"Maybe I'm just scared. I fear nothing more than witnessing something terrible and not being able to do a thing to stop it," she said quietly.

She briefly thought about her mother's death – how Dahlia Evans had been diagnosed with terminal cancer shortly after Lily had graduated, how she had succumbed to the illness within a few agonizing months, and how powerless Lily had felt when she had been unable to help her mother, which had made the pain of loss even more excruciating. It was an awful feeling she never wanted to experience again.

"While we're discussing our weaknesses, has it ever occurred to you that you let your insecurity and self-loathing shadow every aspect of your life?" she said.

Severus turned his face to her, and narrowed his eyes angrily.

"I am not insecure," he said, voice dripping in sourness.

"But you are," she continued softly, "You've been unlucky enough to have too many people in your life who have told you that you're not worth anything, and for some reason you've become convinced that they're right. You still believe them, after all these years. That's why you've always tried very hard to prove yourself to people who you don't even like. That's why you're so keen to destroy yourself. That's why you keep denying yourself happiness you do deserve – or am I wrong to assume that the reason you never married that girl you were engaged to, Isla, was because you thought you weren't worthy of a happy life with a nice girl? I suppose I'm one of those people who made you become so ashamed of yourself."

"You're not," he said very fast.

"Because I am a being of pure mercy and goodness, and I've brought nothing but bliss in your unhappy life?" she said, with a dry, sarcastic laughter, "You know that it's not true, and so do I. You should know, Severus, that I'm not an angel. And for that matter, you're not a devil."

Severus turned his face away from her, staring at the ceiling again without blinking an eye.

"You seem to think that you're unworthy of any kind of kindness or happiness, because you clearly believe that there's something incurably bad about you," she continued, "You're wrong about that. You're among the bravest, strongest, most heroic people I have ever known. Anyone who disagrees with that does not know you at all. There's nothing evil about you, Severus. No evil at all."

She wished that Severus would have looked at her in the eyes to see how serious she was, but he just kept on staring persistently up at the ceiling. Lily rolled on her back, and placed her hands below her neck.

"I hope you know that I didn't mean any of those awful things I said that night you showed me your memories," she began after a long pause, "That was just me being angry, and scared, and stupid. You dropped quite a bomb on me, and I panicked, because I always panic when I don't know exactly what to do. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I certainly didn't want to. If you had given me some time to think about what you showed me, my response would have been entirely different," she swallowed, "Quite the opposite, really."

She felt how blood rushed into her cheeks and turned them rosy pink. Too much, was it? Had she revealed too much? She closed her eyes and waited for Severus to react, wondering whether he had caught the subtle hint in her words which she had accidentally slipped. But Severus said nothing, and finally Lily felt brave enough to look at him again.

"Sev?" she said coyly.

She wasn't sure when he had fallen asleep. How much he had heard. Whether he had understood.

Sighing, she crawled closer to him, and tucked a few stray strands of black hair behind his ears, leaving her hand resting on his chest. He looked so peaceful when she slept, but the look was foreign to his face. She stroked his hair and his cheek lightly with the back of her hand, and went on to trace the arch of his upper lip with her finger before realizing what she was doing. She jerked her hand away as though his skin had suddenly burned her.

"What are you doing, you stupid girl..." she muttered, and moved back to the other side of the bed, as far away from him as she could go without falling off the bed. She felt like she was on fire.

"Alright, I'll admit it," she said out loud, "I do want him. I really do. So much that it frightens me."

It was not only a passing phase, nor sheer physical lust, nor a childish, superficial crush. She was not just being grateful, flattered, or confused. Her feelings for Severus were very real, serious, and deeper than she dared to admit.

And now that she had finally discovered a way to be totally frank and honest with herself, she decided that she might as well take it one step further: "I want him more than I've ever wanted James."

_Now what am I going to do._


	24. Morning Light

It was the first time in ages when Severus had slept through the entire night. For one relaxing moment between sleep and waking up, he couldn't remember where he was and who he was, until the memories of the night before slowly returned to him. He remembered the potion, how he had gone to sleep, and how Lily had told him something about him not being entirely evil, until he had fallen asleep.

He opened his eyes heavily, reluctant to return to the harsh waking world. The room was filled with silence and clear morning light, even though the sky outside was thick with white clouds. He wondered where Lily was, and looked to his right. She was still lying beside him, eyes closed, hair fanned out on the pillow, one hand resting on her peacefully heaving chest, and the other one above her head on her dark-red curls. A wave of cautious delight passed through him, but it passed away quickly and got replaced something heavy and unpleasant. How depressing it was to wake up next to her like this, as if something remarkable had happened between them, even though she was still as unattainable to him as she had ever been.

Intentionally forgetting that he was most likely late from breakfast and ought to have headed to his office at once, he remained where he was for a little while longer, and took the opportunity to observe the sleeping Lily freely without having to fear that she would become disturbed by the very obvious longing in his eyes.

It was not the first time he remarked how peculiar the combination of the colours of her hair, complexion, and eyes was. He had never seen anyone else with similar colouring, even though he had compared every redhead he had ever met to her. Her skin was unusually clear and smooth – a little paler now than usual, for she had spent many months hiding from the sun – with only a few freckles grazing her complexion, and it looked marvellous in contrast to the dark red of her thick, slightly curly hair. He didn't have to see her brilliant jade eyes, which were now concealed by her closed lids, to remember the exact shade and shape of them. An unearthly, unbelievable sight – that's what she was. She looked like she had stepped out of a Pre-Raphaelite painting.

She was wearing a long black morning robe, which fell lightly upon her frame, leaving her legs and a distressing portion of her cleavage unveiled, and the air seemed to be thick of that sweet, distinct scent of hers, which reminded Severus of some exotic fruit. He let out a sad sigh a wrenched his eyes off her violently._ Don't_, he berated himself mentally, closing his eyes tightly, and sat on the edge of the bed with his back turned on her, feeling like he was in alarming need of an icy shower.

"I'm not asleep. I'm just resting my eyelids," murmured Lily suddenly. He glanced at her over his shoulder. She hadn't even shifted, and her eyes were still closed.

"I kept watch all night, as I promised, but nothing happened. I spent the whole night reading your journal," she said with a wide yawn, tapping the thick black notebook, which lay between them on the bed like a fallen tombstone, "I thought you might wake up right about now. The effect of the potion lasts precisely for nine hours."

"Nine hours?" repeated Severus, standing up. His voice was cracking, and he had to clear his throat before he continued, "That means I'm late. I should have been up an hour ago."

It wasn't exactly true – he was rarely needed by anyone first thing in the morning – but Severus needed an excuse to get away from her. He rushed into the bathroom, tore off his clothes and threw them hastily into the corner, and turned on the shower, but the cold water could not put out the flames which roared within him. His muscles stayed tense, and the blood in his veins boiled.

"Why, why, _why _can't I just get her out of my mind?" he groaned, leaning his hands against the wall and bowing his head, so that the icy water fell on his neck, and a heavy curtain of soaked black hair got glued to his face, "This would be so much easier for us both if I could."

He glanced at his exposed arm, and saw the despised tattoo which he had taken as a stupid little kid. He wished he could have washed away the ugly mark and start over, but there were stains all the water in the world could have never erased. The Dark Mark was just one of them. His hands were always going to be filthy, no matter how hard he tried to scrub them clean.

He spent almost half an hour trying to drown his desires (with limited success) until he was ready to put his mask back on and face the world again, held feebly together by a thin thread of dignity and self-control.

Lily was sitting on the armchair before the fireplace when he finally came out of the bathroom. She looked like she had been waiting for him, for some reason unknown to him.

"Go to sleep, Lily. You must be tired," he said, trying very hard not to become too aware of her intoxicating presence again. She shook her head, although she looked frail and exhausted.

"I can sleep when you're gone," she replied, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No. Nothing. Thank you for this," he said awkwardly, shaking his head.

She looked at him nervously, biting her lower lip and tapping the floor with her foot as though she expected him to say something. But what was there to say? What else could have he told her that she did not already know? That he loved her like a like a force of nature, like a beast, like the infinity? She already knew. She must have known. All she had to do was to take one look into his eyes, and there it was.

"I should go," he said merely, and turned away from her. She said nothing in response, but he heard her getting up and following him to the door when he was about to depart, but he did not have the strength to face her again. Enough was enough.

"Sev..." she said tentatively, but he closed the door and went away.

On the way to his office, he contemplated his feelings for her, and wondered why it was impossible for him to just let her go now that all sparks of hope had ever had regarding her had been extinguished. She had ended their friendship, married another, died, and returned to life only to turn him down and kill his hopes for good when he had been foolish enough to offer his puny little heart for her, and yet he still kept on dreaming of her like a classic fool.

His love for Lily was beyond all reason. It could not be diminished by meticulous analysis, or reduced to meaninglessness by a process of logical thought. He could not escape it, he could not resign it, and he could not bury it deep inside his chest and expect to be at peace. He could not will it away, no matter how he tried. It was a burden he was forced to carry for the rest of his life, like the burden of guilt he felt for the crimes of his past.

"Very well, then..." he muttered wearily to himself, admitting defeat to his biggest weakness, "So be it."

* * *

Back at his room, Lily still stood by the door, hoping that Severus would change his mind and come back to her. Eventually, she gave up and threw herself on the bed, but she could not get any sleep, even though she had stayed up the entire night.

She was not quite sure what exactly she wanted of him, for she still did not know what to do with the revelation which had hit her the night before. It seemed that Severus had not heard her when she had half-accidentally revealed the truth about her feelings regarding him. A powerful force within her drew her towards Severus, and yet there was a nagging thought at the back of her mind warning her against making such a wild decision. Would confessing her feelings really solve anything, or would she only complicate both of their lives by throwing herself into a mad affair which was doomed to end sooner or later? She wasn't even sure whether Severus wanted her anymore in the first place, now that she had cut him open too many times. Maybe he was better off not knowing at all. She could never live up to the polished image he seemed to have of her anyways._ Severus would just be disappointed_, she thought, and tried to get him out of her mind, with little success.

She wished she could have spoken about her dilemma to somebody, but the only person around was Severus himself. A second opinion, or a piece of advice would have certainly been helpful. After realizing how many terrible mistakes she had made in her life, she no longer fully trusted in her ability to make rational decisions on her own.

Before she finally fell asleep, she had decided what to do next.


	25. Chessmaster

Lily went to bed early that evening. She closed the curtains of the four-poster bed and blew out all the candles, and when Severus eventually entered the room late at night she stayed completely still and quiet, pretending to be asleep. She heard him sitting up at his desk, and saw a dim light through the curtains as he lit up a single candle at his desk to be able to read a book.

She laid on the bed and waited. Luckily, she was not at all sleepy, having slept through the entire day to make up for her sleepless night. She heard Severus turning the pages, shifting on his seat, and giving the occasional cough for well over an hour, until he finally stopped making any noises other than steady breathing. That was when Lily narrowed the curtains of the bed and took a peek at him. Severus had dozed off on his chair, arms folded, back slightly arched, and chin pressed against his chest. His neck was poised in an uncomfortable-looking angle; it would surely be sore in the morning.

Resisting the urge to wake him up with a gentle kiss on the cheek, Lily got up from the bed, and tiptoed to the door. She glanced nervously at Severus for the last time; he was still sound asleep. Then she turned the handle as quietly as she could, and disappeared into the dark corridor.

Severus's room at the Professor's Tower was not far away from the Headmaster's office. She only had to make the nerve-wrecking walk right by all the doors leading to the private chambers of the faculty members, hoping that none of them would choose this particular moment to step out their room for a midnight walk, and then she simply had to go down a spiral staircase before reaching the hallway leading to the gargoyle, which guarded the entrance to the office.

"_Dumbledore_," she whispered. Severus had given her the password to the room in case of an emergency – if, for any reason, she needed to get to him in the middle of the day when he was working in his office. The gargoyle moved, allowing her to enter her the dark room.

Lily had visited the Headmaster's office a few times during her seventh year, when she had been made the Head Girl, and Dumbledore had asked to see her to talk to her about her duties. It was dark, but she could tell that the place still looked the same. It was like a museum dedicated to the former Headmaster; the room had been left untouched, exactly as Dumbledore had left it, as though he had just popped out for lunch, and was expected to return on any given moment. Severus had done nothing to change the decor, or even the order of things. There even was a bowl of dusty sweets still lying on the desk, just as Lily remembered.

"_Lumos_," Lily whispered, and a little spark of light appeared on the tip of her wand. She pointed the beam of light at the walls, searching for a particular picture among the row of snoring old portaits, who twitched and cursed when the light hit them in the eyes. Eventually, she found the portrait of Albus Dumbledore, who was sleeping peacefully, his head resting against the picture frame.

"Professor Dumbledore?" she said softly. He opened his eyes calmly, as though he had not even been asleep.

"Evening, Lily," said he, greeting her with a bow of his head, and glanced at the clock on the wall, "Or should I say good night? What brings you here at this hour?"

"I wanted to speak to you," she said, kneeling in front of the painting and sitting on her heels, sticking her illuminated wand between her knees. It was cold in the office, and she was only wearing a thin robe over her nightgown. She stirred and hugged herself for warmth, though she was quite certain it was her nerves and not the cold that made her shudder.

"That's good," said Dumbledore with the calmness of an enlightened Buddhist monk, "I've been hoping for a chance to talk to you too. I knew you had to be here in the castle, you see, because I've noticed that Severus has not gone out for some time now. I asked him whether he'd brought you here, and he lied, but I can always tell when he's not telling me the truth."

"Well, that's an unique talent," she said under her breath, "So he never told you about me?"

"I'm afraid Severus has chosen to keep me in the dark about all matter concerning you, my dear," Dumbledore replied with a shrug, "Apparently, he doesn't trust me at all. He seems to think that I'm going to lure you into doing something _he _doesn't want you to do."

"Well, are you?" asked Lily warily.

Dumbledore shrugged again, "I'm only a painting. How could I possibly force you to do anything you don't want to do? I believe it is you who poor Severus doesn't trust at all. It seems that he's decided to declare himself your unofficial guardian because he's clearly convinced that you're as fit to decide for yourself as a little child."

"He's just over-protective of me. He cares about me a little too much," she said, avoiding Dumbledore's piercing blue eyes. The was truth in Dumbledore's words; she did feel like Severus had no faith in her ability to take care of herself, but she knew his intentions were good. Besides, Lily's confidence in herself had recently began to waver. _She _didn't trust herself.

That was why she was now here with Dumbledore, asking for guidance.

"That he does," replied Dumbledore eerily, "He has a tendency of forgetting everything important when it comes to you."

Lily stared down at her knees, avoiding his eyes. Dumbledore knew. She could hear in his voice that he knew everything just by looking at her, sitting there uncomfortably on her heels and squirming like a worm.

"Are you ready to tell me why you have come here?" he asked eventually, ending a moment of awkward silence.

"I just needed to talk to somebody," she said uneasily, "Someone other than Severus."

"And what's wrong with Severus?"

"Nothing," she said quickly, giving him a nervous glance, " We're just... I've bothered him enough already, and I think he deserves to be left at peace for once, especially now that he's got so much to do."

"Yes, he has worked very hard," said Dumbledore, the everlasting smile of a wax doll fixed on his face.

"Even that's an understatement," Lily replied with a sigh, "He has worked _unreasonably_ hard. Did you know that he hardly sleeps? He spends his days playing the role of the hated Headmaster, and his nights keeping an eye on the kids. He has no time to rest, and he's doing this for no gain, and for no credit."

"I know," said Dumbledore, "He's been a close friend and a trusted ally of mine for over ten years. I can proudly say that selflessness and nobility have become defining characteristics of his, even though he is known to be rather rude and tactless to others. Isn't it strange how many contradictions can exist in one man?"

_A close friend_. Lily wasn't entirely sure whether Severus would have defined the odd relationship he and Dumbledore had as "friendship". From what she could tell, Dumbledore had downright taken advantage of the state of guilt and vulnerability Lily's death had driven Severus into and turned him into his private lackey – or so Severus seemed to think. Lily herself had always admired the old Headmaster, and it was difficult for her to believe that the fatherly, cheerful, amiable Dumbledore would be capable of the cold-hearted manipulation Severus accused him of. Then again, Lily also trusted Severus, and she didn't think that he would throw such accusations around without a good reason. Which one of the men was closer to the truth, she could not tell.

"When we were just kids, Severus and I had a big fight, and we stopped talking altogether," Lily began, "I told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore because I was hurt, and because I believed that he had become one of those terrible Slytherins who called me 'filthy mudblood whore' when I walked by them. I can see now that I was wrong. Sev was never like that. If I had just been a little bit wiser and a little more patient, I would have seen it. You can't believe how guilty I feel when think how easily I gave up on him, knowing that he's stayed loyal to me all these years."

Dumbledore's smile grew an inch wider, but it still looked oddly cool and waxy, "Sounds like you two have finally made peace?"

She nodded, "We have. At least as far as I'm concerned. I've forgiven him everything. I can only hope that he can forgive me as well."

"All is now forgiven, even the unforgivable? Severus must be pleased to have such a forgiving, forgetful friend."

Lily's face twitched. She thought she might have detected a dash of mockery in Dumbledore's words. Perhaps she was just imagining it...

"Severus_ has_ made mistakes," she said, raising her voice a little bit, "Huge mistakes. I haven't forgotten what he has done, but yes, I have forgiven him. Yes, he did stupid and terrible things when he was young, but he regrets them all, and he's made up for all of his mistakes ten times over. What he has done wrong is a drop in the ocean compared to what he has done right."

She exhaled loudly, and felt how blush of rage turned her face red. She was so nervous that her temper was getting the best of her again.

Dumbledore narrowed her eyes at her knowingly, still calm and unshaken, with a hint of triumph in his blue eyes. _He must get enormous kicks out of this_, she thought. _Pushing people's buttons. _

"My, Lily," he said, and yet again, Lily thought that there might have been hidden mockery in his voice, "If you don't mind me saying this, the relationship between you and Severus seems to have changed quite dramatically from what it was before. The last time I saw you, I had to talk you into trusting him. I take that the feeling is now mutual," he gave a smug little grin when his words made Lily blink rapidly like the worst liar in the world, "_Loyalty_, that is. You seem rather, hmm, _protective _of him, too."

"Well, I am," she said, and chuckled as she spoke, for her throat had suddenly become dry, "I don't want anything bad to happen to him. You don't know how much I fear that something terrible is going to happen to him when I'm gone. You should hear the way he speaks of himself. He seems to genuinely believe that he's going to die violently any day now, and he doesn't even care..."

"Severus is a grown man, and one of the most powerful and most talented wizards of his generation. In fact, I wouldn't lie if I told you that he's one of greatest wizards I've ever encountered. I'm sure he'll manage without your protection."

"Maybe, but who will take care of him?" Lily said, voice thick with anxiety, "Severus is all alone, and he _loathes_ himself. He doesn't seem to care whether he lives or dies. Who will stand by his side through all this? Who will defend him if the Order captures him? I can't return to my own time and just abandon him all over again. I owe him, and I worry about him."

"Are you, by chance, asking for a permission to stay here, with him?" asked Dumbledore sharply.

"No! I'm just -"

"Then why are you suddenly so reluctant to go back, as you should?"

"Because I don't want to leave him!" she cried out so loudly that the portrait of Armando Dippet woke up with a start, giving her a dirty glare before drifting back to sleep. She gasped, covering her mouth with her hand; she hadn't intended to scream, or to sound so tearful.

"...here. I don't want to leave him here," she continued, but it was useless. If Dumbledore hadn't suspected it before, he definitely knew now. Perhaps he knew even more than she did. She had never quite understood her own heart.

"I see," Dumbledore replied plainly, looking a little bit gleeful, but not the slightest bit surprised, "He has told you?"

"Yes," she said heavily, refusing to look him in the eyes, "But that has nothing to do with it."

"Then what does?"

"What happens when I go back and change the past?" she asked hesitantly, "Ever since I came here I've strongly believed that everything about this future is a mistake that I absolutely must correct, but lately I've been thinking a lot about Severus, and what he gets out of helping me... And now I'm starting to have doubts."

Dumbledore had ceased to smile. The expression on his face was solemn, but it reflected no emotion.

"Severus has been through so much during these past eighteen years," she continued, failing to get an instant response from the headmaster, "He's done bad, bad things, and bad things have been done to him. He's suffered, he's tortured, and he's faced more misfortune and misery than I can even begin to imagine. But despite all that – or rather, because of all that, he's become a wise, an honourable, a _beautiful_ person. He's walked through many fires, and each one of those fires have made him stronger. He's learned from everything he's gone through, and grown to be something extraordinary. You have seen it, too, haven't you? You know how remarkable he is?"

The expression on Dumbledore's face was completely unreadable.

"Now, if I go back and change the past, the chances are that he is not going to grow up to be that person. He might stop existing altogether. And I cannot stand the thought of simply erasing him."

Dumbledore still said nothing, so she carried on:

"And it's not just Severus I'm concerned about. This future is frightening, but I bet there is beauty here as well – beauty that might not come to be, if I go and change the course of history. What if I end up preventing something good from happening, or cause something bad when I try to set things right? What if instead of fixing everything, I'll just create a bigger mess? And what happens to the Severus I've grown to know and adore here when I change the past? Will he just vanish, like he never existed? What will happen to this future and everything in it once I've gone back?"

"Is that a rhetoric question, or would you like me to answer it?" said Dumbledore coolly.

Lily nodded her head eagerly, "Yes. I want the answer."

"Nothing," replied Dumbledore, "Absolutely nothing. Everything will be the same. This present, your future, and my past will remain unchanged and undisturbed."

"How?" asked Lily, frowning deeply, "If I change history, the future is bound to be different."

"But that's the point, Lily. You're not going to change anything. You're going to live the life you were meant to live."

Lily stood up quickly, staring at the portrait with her eyes round, looking very much like a frightened doe.

"Why? Why would I do that?" she asked. Her voice sounded unnaturally high.

Dumbledore shrugged, "I don't know. I am not you. All I know is that in your future, you're bound to do what you did in my past."

Lily fell pale.

"Are you –", she swallowed, "- are you saying that I _have _to die, after all, and let all the others die as well?"

"I'm not saying what you have to do. I'm merely stating what you are _going_ to do. It's inevitable," said Dumbledore.

A chilling silence landed between the two. Lily gaped her mouth, too shocked to yell, too shocked to speak. She could hardly even breathe. Dumbledore waited patiently for her to react, eyes colder than glaciers.

"That's absurd!" she shouted finally, nearly choking into her own words. Many of the portraits in the office opened their eyes, giving her scornful looks and muttering curses under their breaths, completely uninterested in paying attention to the conversation. "Of course I'm going to change the past!" Lily shouted hotly, "Why wouldn't I change it? This future is a few levels short of the Inferno, and I have been given a golden opportunity to set things right! Why would I throw this chance away?"

"Answer this simple question for me, won't you?" Dumbledore said, narrowing his eyes enigmatically like a sphynx, "Whose bones lie in the grave of Lily Potter?"

"Is this a trick question?"

Dumbledore shook his head.

"Well, in that case I'd say that they're mine."

"How did the bones get there?"

Lily gave a sour snort, "The obvious answer would be that they were buried there, so I guess I'm just going to be delightfully original and say that they tap-danced there all by themselves, or that they were shot from a circus cannon and..."

"Where are they right now?" asked Dumbledore, cutting her off.

Lily blinked, and wrapped her right hand around her left wrist, feeling the hard bones beneath her smooth and warm skin. All of a sudden, she realized where Dumbledore was trying to lead her, and felt as though a bucket of icy water had just been poured on her.

"Ah, I see," she said stiffly, "You're trying to tell me that the reason these bones lie now in my grave is because I really did die in the past. And if I died in the past... it means that I must have gone back and give my life for Harry after all."

Dumbledore was smiling at her again.

"Why would I do that?" she whispered. This time, she wasn't asking Dumbledore, but he answered anyways:

"As I said, I do not know. You must have had a good reason. My guess is that it has something to do with your son."

"Harry?" she replied in a fragile voice. The world around her had somehow started to look surreal, as though she was only dreaming.

"Remember – the only reason he is alive today is because you loved him enough to give your life to protect him," said Dumbledore.

"But that was never going to happen," insisted Lily in a tiny voice, "I was supposed to prevent it. I hadn't decided how, but..."

"Harry has been cursed and blessed ever since he came to this world. The Prophecy sealed his fate upon his birth. Now, I can't say that I believe in prophecies, but Tom Riddle obviously does, and therefore it is inevitable that Harry is going to be attacked. That is why he was always in danger. He was marked long before he even got his famous scar. Your sacrifice alone kept him safe until he was old enough to protect himself. If you won't be there to die for him, he is lost – and without him, we are all lost."

"What about James, and Sirius, and Marlene, and everyone else who died?" asked Lily desperately, "How can I be there to help them if I die? You're asking me to choose between my son and everyone else!"

"Choose your son, and you'll save the world," said Dumbledore.

"No!" Lily shouted angrily, "There has go to be another way out of this! I can't let them all die – not even because of Harry! Why does it have to be Harry anyways? You just told me that you don't even believe in the Prophecy!"

"I meant that I'm not all that sure whether destiny had anything particular in store for Harry. Things might have gone differently – Tom Riddle might have gone after another boy who fit the description. But he didn't. He went after Harry, and marked him as his enemy. That's why it's his unfortunate duty to be the hero we all need him to be."

"But I could still prevent it! James and I wouldn't be killed, and Harry would never become The Boy-Who-Lived. We'd all be safe!"

"But then someone else would have to die. Sooner or later, Riddle would find either Harry, or the other boy, and that other boy happens to be Frank and Alice Longbottom's son, Neville. Would you rather have Frank or Alice die instead of you?"

"No..." said Lily. Her head was hurting, and she felt how tears threatened to turn her vision blurry. She buried her face in her hands, and tried to think of a solution to her impossible problem.

"Then..." she began, already feeling chills running down her spine, and her tongue growing stiffer, "- the only solution is that Harry must never be born. I must never become pregnant with him."

For the first time during the conversation, Dumbledore looked genuinely appalled.

"You cannot possibly mean that," he said, voice full of dismay.

"It's the only way," Lily replied frailly. She felt like she had just swallowed something sharp and large that was still stuck sideways in her throat, and she had troubles finishing her sentence. "I can't save everyone else if I have him to protect. If Harry is never born, and if I warn the Longbottoms in time, maybe I'll manage to save everyone else..."

"This is not the talk of a woman who loved her child so much that she rather gave up her own life than let an enemy lay a finger on him," Dumbledore said. He barely raised his voice, but somehow his voice sounded as menacing as a thunder.

"That's because I'm not that woman!" Lily shouted, and the hot tears finally began to flow down her cheeks in streams, "I am not a heroine, and I'm not a saint! I wish I was, but I'm not! I don't have any of that in me! You don't know what filthy, _disgusting_ things I've found inside of me while I've been here! All my life I've seen myself as a good, decent person who always tries to do the right thing, but now I've come to realize that it's all been just a huge lie I've been telling myself because I've been too stupid to see the truth! I'm not a good person, and I haven't got the slightest clue about what's right, and what's wrong! The truth is that every time I hear about the _legendary Lily Potter_ and her _enormous sacrifice_, I can't even recognize myself! I can't possibly be that person, because I am scared!"

"Are you suggesting that you now dread the fate you've already chosen for yourself?" asked Dumbledore cryptically, "I would have never expected Lily Potter to be so afraid of death."

"I am_ not _afraid of death!" Lily screamed angrily, clenching her hands into fists, and meant every word, "I'm afraid of not being able to save anyone! I'm afraid that so many others are going to die, and that I can't do anything about it! Dying with my hands tied down. _That's_ what I fear. I can't allow myself to die, if by doing so I'm leaving a trail of blood behind me. Just look what has happened to the world. My sacrifice was pointless, if _this_ is where it brought us!"

She collapsed in front of the painting, exhausted, and drew a deep breath after another, but she still felt like she was choking, drowning on dry land.

"Your death was everything else but pointless," Dumbledore said softly. Lily gave him no reply. She lay on the floor like a roll of carpet, so motionless and limp that she looked already dead. Dumbledore gave a frustrated sigh.

"Lily, please do me a favour an go to that cabinet," he said.

"What's in the cabinet?" she asked, still bearing great likeness to a dead fish.

"A certain flask which contains a particular set of memories I'd like you to see. Put them into the Pensieve, and view them."

"No. I'm not going through another one of these," she snapped and sat up, giving the portait a defiant look, "If there's something you'd like to add to this conversation, please spare us both and just say it to my face."

"I wish I could, but I'm afraid this is something you have to_ see_."

She winced, already knowing that she was making another mistake when she got up, walked to the cabinet, grabbed the flask Dumbledore told her to take, and threw its contents carelessly into the Pensieve, which was kept in a cabinet at the back of the room.

"Fine. I just want to get over and done with this fucking shit..." she grumbled under her breath, muttering a string of profanities as she plunged her face into the Pensieve, and got sucked into the world of memories.

The first thing Lily saw was Dumbledore, who was strolling down one of the corridors of Hogwarts, whistling a happy little tune. It was a sunny day; columns of light illuminated the narrow corridor, and the sky outside looked perfectly blue.

"I'll give this ridiculous show a minute, and then I'll leave," growled Lily at Dumbledore, knowing perfectly well that the memory could not hear her.

She never made it that far, for it wasn't until seconds later when she noticed a young boy walking towards her and Dumbledore. She'd never seen him before, but she knew instantly who he was. He really was the spitting image of young James, except for the eyes. Just as Severus had described.

"Harry?" said Lily, and felt as though she had shot through the stomache with a cannon ball. She felt like she was choking again.

"Morning, Harry!" chirped Dumbledore. The boy nodded at him nervously, nearly dropping the books he was carrying in his haste. He was about twelve – a scrawny, little snip of a man with broken glasses, and a head full of messy black hair, with a scar shaped like a lightning on his forehead.

Lily loved him instantly.

She couldn't even listen to what Harry and Dumbledore were talking about. He was probably asking him about school, or about the weather, for the conversation seemed casual and rather meaningless. She couldn't hear a thing, for she was mesmerized by the sight of him – her son, standing right before her eyes. It wasn't until now that she truly realized that he existed, _actually _existed. Before, he had been a mere vague blur of an idea in her mind, and she couldn't fully even comprehend than one day she would be a mother to this boy called Harry, having never even seen a picture him. This was the first time he felt truly real to her.

The memory ended quickly, far too quickly, and changed into another memory of Harry. This time he looked a little bit older, and he was playing Quidditch. He flew like a bird, looking much less awkward in the air than he had looked standing on the ground. Next, Lily saw him dancing at a ball, looking charming in his green robes.

The memories came and went, giving her flashes of the growth of her son. They were not dramatic memories – just snapshots of his everyday life through the eyes of Dumbledore, like moving pictures from a photo album. He looked a little bit older in every memory, but also a little darker, and a little bit sadder. When the last image of Harry – now as a sixteen-year-old youth, who was already taller than Lily herself, and had the look of a much older man in his bright green eyes – faded away, she returned to the real world, and realized that her face was soaked with tears. She hadn't even noticed that she had started to cry.

"You love him, don't you?" asked Dumbledore.

"Yes," croaked Lily. There seemed to be no end to her tears.

"Even though you've never met him, or held him in your arms?"

She nodded again, unable to say another word.

"Lily," Dumbledore began softly, "You may not have any faith in yourself, but I do. I do not doubt for a second that you do not have it in you to give your child the greatest gift a mother can give – _the gift of life_. If you won't be there to protect him when he needs you the most, he will perish, and if he is not here to protect the world, everything is lost. Do you understand me?"

She gave another vague nod, snivelling, and desperately tried to stifle her sobs.

"There's no way out of this, is there?" she asked darkly, once she had finally managed to gather herself, "I couldn't do anything different even if I tried?"

"I'm afraid so," said Dumbledore, "But I know that if someone can carry a burden like this, it's you. We all have our duties. I've already done mine."

She gazed at Dumbledore. For a moment, she had entirely forgotten that he was dead, and that she was only talking to a painted reflection of him.

"And what about Severus?" she asked, "What's his duty? To stay here and suffer? You and I are apparently destined to die as celebrated heroes, and his job is to stay here and take the blame for crimes he's not even guilty of? After everything he's done?"

"Yes," Dumbledore replied, and the single word was like a needle pierced through her lungs, "He knows what he's doing."

"He's not going to let me return to my time," Lily replied, "He'll do anything to stop me, if he finds out that I have to die."

"You're supposed to return, whether he likes it or not. He cannot stop you,," said Dumbledore, "But it might be best if you kept quiet about your intentions. He'd be devastated if you told him."

Lily dried her eyes with the sleeve of her robe – rather useless, really, for the tears just kept coming. What was the use of drying them, when her face was going to get wet again anyways?

"I should go back now," she said. Her voice was rough and raspy, spoiled by excessive sobbing. "Good night, Dumbledore. And goodbye."

"Goodbye, Lily," said Dumbledore stoically, as Lily staggered out of the room, bewildered and crushed, leaving every last ounce of her youthful energy, and the last crumbs of hope behind her.

* * *

Once Lily had left the room, the office was wonderfully quiet and still again. The portraits who had been woken up by the noise fell asleep again, but the portrait of Albus Dumbledore stayed awake, feeling quite proud of the way things had turned out. He might have been just a soulless portrait – a mere echo of the real man he portrayed, but nevertheless, he had managed to act precisely as the real Dumbledore would have acted, had he faced such a dangerous situation. To think that the course of history came so close to being disturbed.

Dumbledore did not believe in fate or destiny. He did not think that the world was controlled by any force that the free will of men could not ultimately defy.

He had thought a lot about time-travel, and the freedom of choice ever since he had first seen Lily – here, in this entirely wrong time. Logically thinking, it did seem probable that Lily could not escape her fate because the past suggested that she had returned home to die for her son. But whoever said that she couldn't choose herself another fate this time around? Whoever claimed that time was a straight, linear line, consisting of an inescapable chain of events, linked together by causal relationships? Perhaps it wasn't straight at all, but as messy and as devious as the scar on Dumbledore's knee. Perhaps it forked into several different paths, if someone like Lily got the opportunity to do something different.

From what Dumbledore could tell after over a hundred years of existence, logic and order weren't the only forces ruling the world, for there was also delightful chaos, pure chance, and complete randomness – magic itself had ultimately very little to do with logic. He imagined a brilliant, beautiful world full of alternatives, choices, and existential freedom – a world where Lily could, after all, see her future and defy it by doing something completely different instead. Perhaps she was not a prisoner or fate and time after all; perhaps she _could_ make different choices, and create a whole different future for the universe. Who was to stop her if she gave it a go?

He _could_ have told Lily about Voldemort's Horcruxes. Who knows – perhaps she could have indeed stopped Voldemort, and prevented many, many deaths. Perhaps she could have even improved the world. But really – what where the chances that things could turn out better than this if she went on and disturbed the universe, prodded her finger into the beautifully engineered set of events Dumbledore had worked very, very, very hard to arrange? For the past few decades, the war had been like a game of chess to him and he had just been about to win, when all of a sudden Lily had come along and almost swept away all the pieces as carelessly as an infant. After everything he had done! She – a naïve, silly little girl, who clearly thought she was much more clever and much stronger than she actually was? Did she really think that she could take down Voldemort, even if Dumbledore had handed her the instructions on a silver platter?

Darling little girl, that Lily. Far too naïve and short-sighted, and not as smart as she thought she was, but darling anyways – Dumbledore genuinely adored her. But the sad truth was that whether Lily could change the past or not, she was better off dead. Few people knew just how close Dumbledore had been to losing the war, until the miracle of Harry Potter had happened, giving him over ten more years to find out just how to get rid of Voldemort for good. If Lily hadn't died, Voldemort would have survived, and Dumbledore _might_ have lost. He could not bear the idea of suffering such a possibility to exist.

Besides, there was beautiful tragedy in the story of the Potter family – a young father and a young mother heroically sacrificing themselves for their son, and unwittingly causing the downfall of the greatest threat of their time. Of course Lily, in her youthful impatience, could not see the poetic glory of her sacrifice immediately, and of course she, in her childish foolishness, feared death as much as any commoner, but Dumbledore was confident that she would eventually come to understand that she was more valuable dead than alive. Her name would never be forgotten, and her legend would live forever. Merlin, she would conquer death itself! Why would she not want this honour? Why would she even want to gamble with fate, when she had been already offered such a beautiful destiny to fulfill? No, Dumbledore was certain that deep down inside, Lily agreed with him, even if she didn't know the whole truth.

It would be best for all, mused Dumbledore, if Lily never found out that there was a possibility that she could choose herself another future. It was imperative that she embraced her fate without hesitation.

The war was indeed very much like a round of chess. Sometimes, in the name of greater good, one was forced to sacrifice one of the lesser pieces to win the game.


	26. Burn and Crash

Severus woke up with a start, shuddering, soaked in cold sweat, and, for an unknown reason, strangely unnerved. He wondered when he had dozed off and how long he had slept, relieved to see that not even an hour had passed since the last time he had glanced at the clock. _Good_, thought he, _I have not missed anything._

He resumed his book, but his ability to concentrate was disturbed by an odd feeling that something was off. It was quiet and peaceful, and yet there was a chilling sensation in his spine that a disaster was upon him. He sat in silence pondering what could have caused this state of unrest, until he finally realized – to his horror – that the problem was that it was far_ too _quiet and peaceful in the room – that Lily wasn't making the slightest sound in her sleep. He could not even hear her breathing.

Disturbed, Severus crept to the bed, hesitating whether it was proper to open the curtains to see whether Lily was alright – he didn't want to violate her privacy for nothing. Eventually, he put his modesty aside and narrowed the curtains, nearly suffering a heart attack when he only saw a bundle of abandoned sheets and covers where Lily should have been.

"Lily?" he cried out, looking around himself to see whether she'd just gone to the bathroom, but she was nowhere to be seen. Had someone barged in while had had slept and stolen her? No, of course not – Severus, even when dead tired, was a light sleeper, and he would have surely woken up to the sound of someone coming in. The only possible explanation was that Lily had left the room on her own, and that she had intentionally neglected to inform him. Why she would do such a thing, Severus could not understand.

He started pacing back and forth in the room, unable to decide whether it was best to go after her, or to avoid causing further rumpus by simply waiting for her to return. His instinct told him to go and find her at once, but he had no idea where she could have gotten to. In a place as large as Hogwarts, it wouldn't have been easy at all to find her without knowing where she had headed to in the first place. Still, he had to find her before anyone else did, and so he threw on his cloak and ran to the door.

And then, a split second before Severus's hand touched the handle, the door opened, and Lily stepped in the room, jumping slightly when she saw him standing right in front of her. Without greeting him, she closed the door behind her staring at her feet, walked right by him to the bed, and sat down on the edge.

Severus's first reaction was relief, which swept over him like a tidal wave, washing away the fear that had been throbbing inside of him, but the feeling faded away quickly and changed into anger – flaming, uncontrollable, tempestuous anger. He glared at her in silence, stricken speechless with fury, and expected her to say something to explain herself, but she just kept staring mutely in front of her, as though she had entirely forgotten that he was even standing there. Unable to extract an answer from her with a mere scornful look, he finally found the right words to express himself:

"What is _wrong _with you?" he began, hissing each word while his blood boiled inside his veins, "Do you have a death wish? Do you _want _to get caught? You know very well what could have happened to you out there!"

"I'm sorry," said Lily regretfully, and she still would not even look at him. Her voice sounded coarse, as though she had spent the past few hours screaming her throat sore.

"Where have you been?" he shouted, clenching his fists so hard that his palms were about to bleed, "What could have possibly lured you out there, without even bothering to tell me? Merlin, Lily, you cannot be this_ stupid_! Should I chain you up to make sure that you won't run away and have yourself murdered the next time I blink? Should I put bars on the windows and locks on the door to keep you from getting into trouble? How can you not understand how..."

She finally raised her chin and looked at him, silencing him with a single pitiful look. Her face, as Severus could now see, was completely white, as though she had just experienced the shock of her life – which, taking the recent months into account, was saying something – and there were traces of tears in her puffy eyes. Her eyes were still glittering in a way that suggested that she was not far away from bursting into tears. Blinking rapidly, Severus momentarily forgot that he was angry with her and briefly wondered what had upset her so, but the rage returned to him quickly. He was not yet done yelling at her, no matter how wounded she looked.

"I went to see Dumbledore's portrait," said Lily, and folded her arms – she was shuddering, "I knew you didn't want me to go, so I didn't wake you up. I figured I could make it there and back without being seen."

Severus winced, aghast by both her carelessness, and by her repeated disregard of his instructions. There really was no sense in forbidding anything from her for any reason, as Lily was clearly bound to do however she wanted either way.

"I see. I feel honoured to have finally gained your trust and respect," he said sarcastically with a sour grin, "What more must I do before you finally start trusting me enough to at least inform me when you're planning on doing something so dangerous it borders idiocy?"

"Sev, I didn't..." Lily began in a trembling voice, but Severus silenced her with an angry glare.

"And _Dumbledore_?" he spat in disgust, "Why? What business did you have with him? If you had something to tell him, you could have just asked me to deliver a message instead of sneaking out like a rat! I've had enough of this, Lily! You can't keep acting like a stupid schoolgirl, because I can't keep watching you every second of my time! If you -"

"STOP IT!" yelled Lily desperately. She looked frightened to death. Tears were now rolling down her cheeks, but she was too weak to make any sound as she cried. "You're wasting our time," she whispered, closing her eyes.

Severus stared at her, baffled. He had never seen Lily looking this broken and defeated – not even when he had found her standing outside her childhood home in a summer dress on that December night many months ago. She looked so thoroughly miserable that she hardly even resembled her usual self. That signature spark of determination, wit, and hope that normally lit up her eyes was nowhere to be seen. Something very essential to her being was gone, perhaps for good.

"What do you mean?"

"That the time is running out," she continued, closing her eyes, "The time we have left together. I'm sorry, but I don't want to waste any more of it on fighting. There's too little of it."

"Lily, what has happened?" asked Severus, taking a few steps closer to her. He wanted to put his arms around her, but he knew it wouldn't end well – she probably wouldn't like having his dirty hands all over her now that she obviously already had enough reasons to be upset about.

Lily told him what had happened – how she had gone to Dumbledore to ask what would happen to Severus once she changed the past, only to be told that she could not could not prevent anything, not even her own death.

Severus stared at her, mortified. "You cannot be serious," he said, but he knew she was just by looking at her.

"All this time I've been so determined to set things right that I've become deaf and blind because of my own optimism," she continued, "I wanted to keep on believing that everything is going to be alright so badly that I couldn't even think about what might happen if I should fail. Now I can see how stupid I've been. I can't do anything different. I_ am_ going to die after all, and I can't save anybody."

Severus sat slowly on his chair, since the way his knees were buckling and the way the room seemed like it had began to spin suggested that he was about to fall unconscious out of sheer shock. A thick silence landed between them, while Severus digested the terrible news.

The only reason Severus wasn't falling apart at the mere thought of Lily leaving him again was because he was convinced that she could indeed right the wrongs of the past. As long as he knew that somewhere, in another time and place, Lily would survive and rescue others as well, he was alright with not having her to himself. Now it seemed like all his efforts to save and protect her were going to waste. He saw the past fifteen years of agony flashing before his eyes – her death, his guilt, his tears on her grave, and the grief that never went away – and he knew that he could not let it happen all over again.

"No, no, no!" he shouted, standing up defiantly, "Dumbledore told you to believe this, didn't he? I warned you! I told you not to let him play you like a pawn!"

"He didn't tell me to do anything," she replied wearily, "He just helped me see the only logical answer to all this. Think about it, Sev. If I'm not living in this future, I must have gone back and died in the past."

"Of course I've thought about that!" yelled Severus, "I considered that as a possibility the day you came to me. Why do you think I didn't want you to go back?"

Lily widened her eyes in confusion, but then she sighed, and despair filled her eyes again. "Then you should know that I'm destined to go back. I always was."

"No!" shouted he, leaping right in front of her and forcing her on her feet by the arms, "You don't have to do anything Dumbledore tells you to do! You could change everything!"

"I can't change anything!" Lily yelled back, "I couldn't change anything even if I had the choice to do so! I've failed at every miserable attempt to do good I've ever done. I fuck up everything! Sacrificing myself for Harry is the best and most noble cause I can give my life for. I'm not fit to do anything greater."

Severus squeezed Lily's arms, and he knew he was hurting her. It made no difference – she was slipping through his fingers no matter how hard he held on to her.

"I haven't come all this way to watch you get yourself merrily killed all over again!" he hissed, "Where's your spirit, Lily? There used to be more hope and energy inside you than in the rest of this world combined. Why are you giving up like a coward now?"

"Because I've seen him," she said tearfully, "I saw Harry. Dumbledore showed me a vision of him. I can't even tell why, but I can already feel him here inside," she placed her hand on her chest, "I _have_ to protect him with my life. If I won't, he'll die, and if he dies who will stop You-Know-Who?"

"I don't care about Harry!" Severus roared, "He may be your son, but he's also a Potter, and just as worthless as his father!"

Lily glared at him and sneered. "_Watch it_, Sev. I'll have none of that. Not even from you, and not even now," she said sharply.

"No, I'm not afraid to say it like it is!" he shouted back, refusing to yield to courtesy this time, "I _hate_ and _loathe_ that useless, stupid boy with every inch of my guts! I've always hated him!"

"Don't you dare - !" Lily began, but Severus cut her off.

"I hate him, and I don't give a damn whether he lives or dies! He can die a thousand deaths as far as I care!"

"Severus!"

"If it wasn't for that stupid little child, you would have never died! It was all _his _fault, and now it's happening again! I won't allow it!"

He expected her to slap him, or to at least tell him off, but instead the muscles on her face relaxed, and she collapsed on the bed with a sigh that seemed to empty her lungs of all air. He stared at her silently for a moment, waiting for a response, but eventually he just sat down beside her, feeling so exhausted that he wished he'd never have to stand up again.

"He's just a little baby," she said quietly after a while, staring emptily in front of her, "He can't help who he is. I can't help who I am. I have to die so that he can live."

"You don't understand", Severus said, tearing his hair in frustration. It was time for him to lay out the last card he had up his sleeve, "He is not going to live. Harry needs to die in order to take down the Dark Lord. It's all a part of Dumbledore's plan. Your sacrifice won't save him."

"That's not true!" Lily cried out, sounding like the naïve little girl she had once been.

"I don't lie to you. _Ever_," said Severus, staring into her eyes, "I've kept things from you, but I haven't told you a single lie while you've been here. I didn't tell you about this either because I trusted Dumbledore and his plan, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. None of this matters if you're going to die anyways. Believe me when I say this: Harry is going to die whether we win or lose, and whether you give your life for him or not. Don't ask me why it must be so. Dumbledore refuses to tell me."

Lily stopped breathing for a moment. She stared at him in awe, until she finally leaned back and laid down on the bed like a corpse at a wake.

"So... that's it," she said in a frail voice, "We've lost. I think we lost before we even started fighting back."

"Not if you stay here with me!" said Severus, pulling her back in an upright position, "I can protect you here."

Lily gave him a weak smile, but he could see in her eyes that she had already chosen death.

"Don't do this, Lily!" he pleaded, locking her in an embrace, "Can't you see? Dumbledore is using you to his own gains! He's using your love for your son against you, just like he used my love for you against me!"

"Please don't love me, Sev!" Lily cried against his shoulder, "I wish you'd stop. I wish you'd love somebody worthy of you instead. I still don't know what you think you see in me, but I can't possibly be whatever it is you dream of. I'm unkind, foolish, and impatient, and I've brought nothing but bad luck and misery to your life. I'm sorry, but I'm not the perfect woman you want."

He pushed her a little bit further away to be able to look her in the eyes. "I don't _want _perfection" he said very gravely, "I want _you_!"

It didn't serve any purpose, really, what he just said. He knew that she already knew how he felt, and he also knew that she didn't return his feelings. He had gone through this particular matter in his mind so many times he'd grown tired of even thinking about it. Still, now that he had started being all frank and honest with her, he thought he might as well just flat out say everything that was on his mind. And it just happened to be so that it was always on his mind, that particular matter. Loving Lily.

Lily's eyes grew softer, though they were still filled with tears. She smiled at him again, and stroked his hair clumsily.

"And if it was up to me, you could have me," she said, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Severus suddenly became painfully aware of just how close she was again – how her breasts were pressed against his chest, how near her lips were, how her flowery-fruity scent surrounded him, and how he could feel the warmth of her skin through he clothes. He felt like a fool again – the same fool who always fell into the same trap, and came out crippled by another crushing defeat.

"Please, Lily. Spare us both," he said bluntly, standing up and walking to the other side of the room to cool himself down, "Don't pretend that you care just because you pity me. I've never asked anything else from you but to choose life instead of death. If you deny me that, I want nothing to do with you."

"I am sorry," Lily replied, unstirred by the harsh tone of his voice, "And I am being honest when I say that if I had the chance, I would choose you. I would never discard our friendship and abandon you. I would not be blind to who you really are, and how you really feel. And if you would have me, I'd be yours."

Words, words, words. Severus gritted his teeth, because he dearly wanted to believe her, but he knew she was just humouring him to make herself feel better. He knew better than to believe her like a complete idiot: she didn't care about him. She never had.

He turned away from her and tried to summon all the inner strength he had left to keep himself from collapsing. He would not fall into pieces, especially not in front of her. He refused to let go of the last scraps of pride and dignity he had left. It was now all he had.

"You don't believe me?" she asked.

"No, I don't."

She said nothing, because there was nothing more to say. _This is the last stop_, he mused._ This is the end of us_. He secretly swore that although he would protect Lily as long as she needed to be protected, she would no longer mean anything to him. He was done needing her and wanting her, done being as hung up on her as he had been as a little boy, done feeling hurt and humiliated because of her, and done hoping she'd ever do anything according to his wishes, since all she had ever done was the opposite. She wouldn't even save herself. He could not stand the thought of having to grieve her death again.

He heard some sound of fabric being tossed around and thrown on the floor, to which he paid no attention to during his dark musings until Lily spoke to him again:

"Severus. Look at me."

He did, and gave a silent gasp, hardly believing his eyes.

Lily was standing in front of him stark naked, her clothes lying in a bundle at her feet. Her face was flushed, and she looked ravishing, heated, and ready. Severus's gaze moved quickly from her perfectly round breasts to her bare hips and then all the way up to her misty eyes – which still bore the remains of tears, but also reflected unmistakable desire – until he finally looked modestly away, ignoring the twitching in his groin.

"No, don't turn away", said Lily, walking to him and gently cupping his face. "_Look at me_," she repeated.

And then several things occurred almost at the same time: Severus looked at Lily, Lily guided his hands to her breasts, their lips crashed together with the force of many months of thirst, longing, and loneliness, and before he knew it, Severus's mind had gone somewhere beyond all questions and doubts. His arms tightened around Lily's waist and his tongue found its way into her mouth, which made her give muffled moans. Once his hands had started tracing the curves of her frame, there was no stopping them; he cupped her breasts, slid his hands down her hips, and grabbed her by the bottom and pulled him closer to him and his erection.

Briefly, he thought about saying that her being naked and tempting him with a promise of magnificent jungle sex was immaterial to their argument and thus made ultimately no difference, but alas, it did.

"Sev," Lily murmured between kisses, while she tugged on his robes in a vague attempt to undress him, "I do want you. I should have told you sooner."

Impatient, Severus sweeped Lily into his arms and carried her to the bed, laying her down on the covers. It was still hard for him to comprehend that this was Lily – _Lily_ was naked in his bed, breathing heavily with a yearning look in her familiar eyes, and it was really Lily's skin he tasted when he kissed her neck, and ran his lips around her breasts.

And of course, because the universe hated Severus, it was on this precise moment when one of the silver alarm bells began to rang.

"_Merlin's bollocks!_" they shouted in unison.

For a moment, neither of them moved. Lily laid still on the bed with Severus on top of her, both of them thinking of the same word, and that word being _fuck_. Severus closed his eyes and grimaced, deeply regretting that he had ever promised Dumbledore to protect the students of Hogwarts. For a passing moment, he thought about ignoring the alarm and just carrying on kissing Lily, but he discarded the idea almost instantly, knowing that he could not take the risk of leaving a student in peril.

"I have to go," he croaked, climbing very, very reluctantly off her.

"I know," she replied, covering herself modestly with a sheet.

"Someone could be in danger."

"I know."

He stood up, adjusted his clothes, and threw his cloak back on.

"Sev?" said Lily just as Severus was about to leave the room

"Yes?"

"Come back soon," said she, and sounded strangely solemn saying it.

Severus nodded, taking a last look into her eyes before shutting the door behind him, wiping the sweat off his forehead, and drawing a quick breath before setting off, still completely baffled by what had just happened. It all felt surreal, as though it had happened in a dream. How had his life gone from bad to worse to euphoric within mere minutes? How had Lily suddenly gone from telling him she had decided to die to being naked in his arms? It had all happened so fast. He wasn't sure whether he was supposed to feel thrilled or devastated, and so he felt both, and his heart felt like a frightened little bird inside his chest.

He shook his head and pushed all the unanswered questions at the back of his mind. It would all have to wait until he returned.

"If it's just Peeves again, I'm going to murder him," he grumbled under his breath as he made his way further down the dark corridor.


	27. Hero, Beloved

Lily lay still on the bed for several minutes after Severus had closed the door, listening her pulse becoming steadier and steadier until the taste of his kisses faded away from her lips, and the world became bleak, miserable, and hopeless again.

She got up and clad herself in the covers of the bed, catching a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. She looked just as off-putting and unglamorous as she felt – her hair was tangled, and all the crying had made her eyelids swell. She briefly considered tidying herself up for Severus, but then it occurred to her that he probably didn't even care how she looked, and that sleeping with him was probably not a good idea, and that she had failed at everything and was hence unworthy of any degree of happiness, and that she had more important things to think about now than sex anyways.

But even as she contemplated the complex ethics of bedding Severus, another voice in her head said: just leave it. Forget about everything tonight. Live the moment, and never mind the bollocks. The world kept on turning, and there was nothing she could do about it. She would die, Harry would die, and everything was going straight to hell._ Let it be_. _It's all useless_.

Her life was literally too short to waste on hesitation. If she was going to die anyways, this was her last and only chance to do whatever she wanted to do – her last moment of freedom before destiny took over. If Severus wanted her even half as much as she wanted him, she wanted nothing more than to forget all about her fears, doubts and reservations and spend their last weeks together loving him fully and completely. That was if he still cared for her, now that they both knew what an utter disappointment she was as a human being.

"Dad was wrong," she said to herself, staring at her reflection, which she had learned to loathe, "I don't save people, and I don't fix things. I've failed everyone. Especially Sev."

Minutes passed, and soon Lily shifted from mentally flogging herself to wondering what was keeping Severus. She realized that the alarm bells had never stopped ringing, as though a whole legions of people were currently parading in the corridors of Hogwarts. She wondered whether the students had started an uprising, or if the Carrows were raiding the rooms in search of the rebels. Either way, she trusted in Severus's ability to take care of himself, and yet she still grew tenser and tenser with every minute, staring impatiently at the door and waiting for him to return.

Then, more than half an hour after Severus had left the room, something large, wet, and black crashed in through the window and landed on the floor in the middle of shreds of glass and puddles of water. Lily gave a shriek and backed away against the wall, until she realized that the big black thing that reminded her of a huge prey bird was Severus.

"Sev!" she yelled, "What happened?"

"Lily," he began very seriously, climbing quickly back on his feet, and grabbed her so hard by the shoulders that she could feel herself getting bruised, "You have to leave. Now!"

"What? Why?" asked Lily, but Severus disregarded her questions and ran to his desk, opening the top drawer with such force that the entire thing fell on the floor with a loud crash.

"There's a secret passage in the third floor by the painting of Florence Howell," he continued, piling up stacks of Muggle money and pouches full of gold on the desk, which he then proceeded to stuff in a black bag as he spoke, "Smell of the flower in her hair and tell her it's pretty, and the door opens. It looks like it's been shut, but it's only an illusion I've cast to distract the Carrows. Just walk through what appears to be a wall, and you'll get through. Once you're out of the castle, run straight into the Forbidden Forest, and Disapparate as soon as you reach the borders of the school grounds."

He walked back to the doubfounded Lily and forced her to take the bag of gold, and guided her to the closet where she kept her clothes, "Get dressed. Take this money – I've got both Galleons and pounds. There should be enough here to support you for a few months..."

"Slow down!" Lily managed to shout finally, dropping the money at her feet, "What is going on, Sev?"

He took a quick breath, swallowed hard, and gazed at her with a solemn, frightened look in his black eyes.

"Potter is here," he said, "The Dark Lord knows. He is coming, and he's summoned all of his men here. I have a feeling that this is it. One way or another, the war is going to end tonight. That's why you have to leave._ At once_."

"Harry's here?" Lily squeaked, "How? What -"

"_Trust me_, there's no time to explain. He is almost here," Severus continued feverishly, "I have to find Potter before the Dark Lord does. There's something I need to tell him before it's too late. Now get dressed, take the money, run, and hide. Please do as I say. I fear I cannot be here to protect you after this. I have a reason to believe that Bellatrix may have exposed me, and there's a good chance I will not make it through this alive. Especially not if Potter's side wins. So please go, Lily. For once, do as I ask."

He squeezed her hand as he spoke, pleading her with his dark, dark eyes, which once again reminded Lily of the boy he had once been – the boy he had always been, deep down inside. Then he let go of her hand, turned his back on her, and started walking towards the window.

Lily wanted to scream and cry, to grab him by the arm and tell him not to go, to plea him to stay and to run away with her, and to tell him how much he meant to her, but somehow she couldn't do any of the above. She couldn't do anything else but stand still and stare at his back, silenced by the shock, petrified by panic, looking like a blithering idiot with her mouth open and none of the right words coming out of it.

Just as Severus was about to leave, he glanced over his shoulder, and gazed at her with such love and tenderness that Lily could have died on the spot.

"You have been the sole reason for the greatest sorrows and joys in my life," said he, "My life is full of regrets, but loving you has never been one of them. The only reason I know that there's a place inside of me that has not been corrupted by evil and stained by hatred is because of what I've been capable of feeling for you. Even though I know that you have never loved me -"

"_Severus!_" Lily cried out. Tears were streaming down her cheeks when she finally snapped out of her state of shock. She to him as gracefully as a doe, throwing her arms around his neck. "Are you blind?" she whispered, and pressed her lips furiously against his.

It was no kiss goodbye. It was the sort of kiss that, in normal circumstances, should have been followed by many hours of passionate love-making in various acrobatic positions. She kissed him with the explosive power of everything she felt for him, and he responded to her with such vigour that it seemed like he was trying to make up for everything he had missed during all those years of unfulfilled desire. But as it always was with the two of them, the time was wrong, and so was the place, and soon – much too soon – Severus tore himself away from her, caressed her face, and, worst of all, _smiled _at her as if everything was going to be alright.

"Don't leave. Don't go," she pleaded so faintly her voice was scarcely louder than a whisper, "Please don't tell me this is the last time I'm going to see you."

The smile lingered on Severus's lips, but it faded away soon, "Save yourself, Lily."

Before she could do anything else to persuade him to run away, he turned swiftly on his heels and leaped out of the window. Lily let out a soundless scream, until she remembered that Severus could fly. She watched him glide through the sky like a huge, magnificent raven, and for one fleeting moment all she could think of was how beautiful he was.

Reality caught up to her in a few seconds. She bit her teeth, clenched her hands into fists, and suddenly felt outraged by the whole situation. She was not just going to stand and watch as Severus martyred himself over something he didn't even believe in.

"No!" she shouted, "I don't accept this!"

Without wasting another moment to weigh the pros and cons of what she was about to do, she dressed herself quickly, grabbed her wand, raced to the door, flung it fiercely open, and dove into the darkness of the hallway, completely disregarding Severus's final request.

* * *

She could instantly tell that something was on. The corridors of the castle echoed with the sounds of footsteps, distant yells, and doors being flung open, and the air was thick with tension and danger. Hogwarts had woken up to the battle, and the floors were buzzing with students and staff members who were running around like the world had come to its end. All that was missing was the sound of battle drums and horns.

Lily blended into the chaos easily. Nobody paid attention to her when she raced down the stairs and through the hallways, for to everyone else she looked like just another frightened student running for her life. Most of the people around her were too young to recognize her, though they were surely all familiar with her legend. Once or twice, she someone she knew, such as Professor McGonagall and Professor Slughorn, but they were too busy guiding the students into safety to spot her among the crowd. The crowd was a better disguise than any invisibility spell.

By the time she reached the locker rooms, she was luckily all alone again. She reckoned she might have drawn unwanted attention to herself, had anyone caught her doing what she was about to do next.

"Come on, come on, they have to be here somewhere," she chanted under her breath, opening all the closets she saw by blasting holes through them, until she finally discovered the broom storage. She grabbed the first broom she saw, and ran outside with it, well aware of the many levels of sheer insanity of her flimsy plan.

Outside, the dark sky was lit up by hexes and curses, and the air was full of thunderous yells. Somewhere not too far away from her, the battle was raging, and somewhere among it Severus was fighting a war without a single ally. If she wouldn't be there to cover his back, who would?

"Alright, here goes nothing," she thought, placing the broom on the ground and holding her hand firmly above it, desperately trying forget her irrational fear of brooms and to remember her first-year flying lessons. "Up!" she shouted with such determination that the broom immediately obeyed, hovering a few feet above the ground as she clumsily mounted it.

"Dumb luck, don't fail me now!" she murmured, before she kicked her heels and urged the broom to set off towards the sky.

It was just as difficult and uncomfortable as she remembered. She squeezed on the broomstick with both of her hands and knees, trying very hard not to fall to death mid-flight. Half of the time, she was flying upside down and into the wrong direction, until she finally managed to steer the broom where she wanted to go. She flew on the top of the tallest tower of the castle, and looked down on the ground, trying to figure out where Severus had gotten to.

"This is crazy!" she cried in frustration after many minutes of fruitless search, "I can't possibly expect to spot him in the dark and from such a distance!"

Suddenly, she realized that she wasn't completely alone. A beautiful raven was sitting on the edge of the room, staring pensively at her with its small, black eyes.

"Dante!" Lily cried out, recognizing Severus's raven instantly, "Just what I needed! Come here, Dante. I need your help."

The bird gave a croak and flew to her, landing on her shoulder.

"Dante," she began, conjuring up a white lily out of thin air with a flick of her wand, "I want you to take this to Severus right now. Be a good little bird and do this for me. It's important."

Dante eyed her as suspiciously as always, but then it let out another croak, snapped the flower from her with its beak, and spread its mighty wings.

"Yes!" she cheered in triumph as Dante took off, climbing quickly back on her broom. Now all she had to do was to follow him. Just like owls, Dante always knew exactly where to find his master.

As difficult it still was for her to steer the broom into the right direction, she managed to track Dante all the way to Hogsmeade. At some point, she heard how several curses flew whistling by her, and realized that she had been seen. Some Death Eaters on the ground were trying to shoot her down. Their curses missed her, but the last one hit her broom, making it spin out of control until she crashed down on the ground right next to the Shrieking Shack.

She spent a few seconds lying on her back and grumbling curse words under her breath, until she finally climbed back on her feet, lucky to find that she had gained mere bruises in the crash landing.

Dante was sitting on the window sill of the Shrieking Shack, still holding the flower in its beak.

"That's where he went, isn't it?" she asked, running to the door, breaking the lock silently with a spell before entering the deserted house.

She walked quietly through the dark rooms of the house, keeping her wand at hand in case anyone was to attack her, but as far as she could tell, she was the only living soul in the entire house. For a moment, she wondered whether she was mistaken Dante's gesture, and whether Severus had been to the Shrieking Shack at all.

And then she saw him there, lying still on the floor, drenched in his own blood, which was still pouring out of the horrible wound on his neck.

"No!" Lily shouted, bursting into tears, kneeling down beside Severus's mangled body. There was blood everywhere, and he had no heartbeat, but his body was still warm. He had only been dead for minutes.

"No, no, no..." she moaned, cradling his head burying her face into his hair and pressing him tighter against herself as though to keep life from escaping his body, but Severus was already gone, and there was nothing she could do to bring him back. He couldn't even feel the comfort of her embrace.

"I loved you," said she, and it sounded pathetic, because it came too late. She was too late, useless to Severus the one time he could have really used her help. But it was true, nevertheless: she loved him more than she had loved anyone ín her life, and for that, she let out a howl that sounded more like the growl of a beast than the cry of a woman. She pressed her head against his silent, cool chest, mixing tears with the blood on his clothes, and cried silently, for her sorrow was too great and too deep to manifest itself in a sound.

It was all going wrong. The victims of the past, Harry, and now Severus – death had claimed them all, and she was too small and pitiful to save a single one of them.

She lay down next to Severus in a half-catatonic state for what felt like an eternity in a second, and only vaguely acknowledged the distant but piercing voice that couldn't have belonged to anyone else but Lord Voldemort triumphantly announcing that he had slain Harry Potter, which only drew her in a deeper state of disarming shock until she fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion.

She didn't know how much time had passed when she opened her eyes. She was yet again alerted by the sound of somebody's magically strengthened voice, but this time the voice didn't belong to Voldemort. The message was repeated several times, but it still took minutes before it got through to Lily's consciousness.

"HE-WHO-SHALL-NOT-BE-NAMED IS DEAD! HARRY POTTER LIVES! THE BATTLE IS OVER! THE WAR IS OVER!"

_It must be a trap_, she thought. _Voldemort is trying to lure out the ones who are still hiding. _

Maybe.

She sat up and glanced at Severus. He was already growing colder, and the blood on him was beginning to dry out. Whether Voldemort had won or not, it was time for her to go, but it ached her to even think of leaving Severus's body behind. She hated the thought of him being forgotten here in the deserted house, and she wasn't sure whether anyone would even come looking for him. Furthermore, whoever won the war was not going to treat his remains with the respect and honour a fallen hero like him deserved.

"Come of, Sev," she said, standing up and taking out her wand, "Let's get out of here."

* * *

The day after the Battle of Hogwarts, while the winners were still celebrating their victory and mourning their losses, while the wounded were being treated, and while volunteers were searching the castle and the grounds around it for bodies of the fallen and runaway Death Eaters, a group of people entered the Shrieking Shack in search of the body of Severus Snape who, according to Harry Potter, had been murdered there. They found blood where his body was supposed to lie, but the body itself was mysteriously gone.

For days, the rumour had it that Severus Snape was alive. Many people believed that the elusive Snape, now known to be a triple-agent ultimately working for Dumbledore, had in fact survived the fatal-looking snake attack and was currently hiding somewhere underground, perhaps to avoid a possible trial. Others speculated that an unknown ally of his had secretly taken the injured Snape away to nurse him back to health. However, less than a week later it was confirmed that the former Headmaster was indeed as dead as originally suspected, when the Hagrid the caretaker came out of the Forbidden Forest with the message that he had found the body in the middle of the woods.

Severus Snape had been found in a particularly beautiful forest clearing, lying on a bed of white lilies with his hands resting on his chest as if he had merely been asleep. His body was protected by a thin shield of magic that kept his body from decomposing, and the lilies in eternal bloom. Nobody knew who had taken him there, cleaned his clothes, and fashioned a tombstone out of the large rock beside him, for the words carved on the stone left everyone confused about the identity of Snape's unknown helper:

_here lies_

_Severus Sebastian Snape _

_1960-1998_

_a hero_

_a beloved_


	28. The Waste Land

Severus had been wrong about Dumbledore, after all. Lily had realized it when she had first found out that Voldemort really had been defeated, and that Harry was alive – when she had wandered out of the forest near daybreak after bidding farewell to Severus and gone back to his chambers, deeply exhausted and unsure what to do next, falling on the bed where they had been kissing only hours earlier. The sheets had still born his lovely scent, which reminded her of old books and starry nights.

Hogwarts had dwelt in peaceful anarchy that night. Nobody had guarded the doors, or watched the hallways when she had entered the castle and climbed the stairs to the teachers' tower. People had gone about as they pleased, some looking festive and triumphant, and others weeping miserably for their fallen friends. The perverse mix of sorrow and joy and blood lust and peace had suited Lily's mood, for she, too, had felt everything and nothing all at once. She was calm, but gutted and bruised, tortured to the point of total numbness. She had wanted to scream because of Severus – scream because of the sheer injustice of what had happened to him, and in spite of that she had also felt relieved that the war was finally over. When she had finally left Hogwarts behind, she had only felt hollow, weighed down by Severus's death and the thought of not being able to create a better future after all. Somehow, her feeble feet had carried her out of the castle, and away from the school grounds, although her heart had already given up.

She had started to believe that everything had gone according to Dumbledore's plan, although she couldn't comprehend why he had not revealed his true intents to Severus. She believed that Dumbledore had predicted that in order to defeat Voldemort, Harry would have to throw himself at his mercy, and that this had been the only way for Harry to rid him of his immortality for good. And if Dumbledore had been right about Harry, he _had_ to be right about Lily. Lily, too, would have to sacrifice herself, with the exception that her sacrifice would not be rewarded with rebirth, like Harry's. She would have to surrender herself to death in order to protect her son, because it was her destiny, and destinies could not be defied, as Dumbledore had said, and she trusted his word.

Lily had never fancied herself as someone who feared death, but she could not help but feel the blood in her veins turn cold when she thought about how little time she had left. From June 1979 onwards, she had a little over two years to live, and little over a month to spend as she pleased before returning to her own time to live a life that had already been written for her. Still, nothing felt more wrong, more horrible, and more frustrating than the idea of not being able to help the ones who would die during the war – her friend Marlene, James, Sirius, Dumbledore, _Severus_. How could she go back and pretend she didn't know what she knew now?

Somehow, apparently. If she had not prevented the deaths in the past of this present, she would not do so in her future. Such was the logic of time, according to Dumbledore. Time was a perfect circle, with no forking paths, no alternatives, no true freedom of choice. She couldn't have disturbed the universe even if she had tried.

Still, it all sickened her.

Lily spent her remaining weeks living off the money Severus had given her, staying in small Muggle inns and in the cheapest hotels, sometimes passing through magical districts only to pick up a copy of the Daily Prophet to hear the latest news. It was always the same, really – some people being arrested and judged for war crimes, others being promoted and awarded for their bravery. She wondered how the paper might have looked if the other side had one, and reckoned it would have still been the same, only with the roles of the judged and the awarded being reversed.

She was painfully aware of the fact that she was living the last free days of her life – that from Midsummer onwards, she could no longer act on a whim or make unexpected choices, for she already knew exactly how her life would going to turn out – and yet she could not think of a proper way to make good use of the time she had left. She just traveled purposelessly around the country, making random visits to places she had never been to, and to places that were dear to her, feeling how her last inch of freedom got smaller and smaller with every step she took. The world felt even smaller and emptier now than it had felt when she had been hiding in Severus's house with no-one but him to keep her company. She was detached from this life, a relic of a dead world with nothing but graves and ghosts reminding her of the past.

That was how Lily knew she was going back to her own time. All the ties she had to this place had snapped broken when Severus had died. Harry was her only link to this world, and she had no part in his life anymore, either. She had no desire to stay, even if she could have resisted her fate.

She cried for Severus so much that she eventually ran out of tears. His absence felt like a throbbing, aching open wound in her side. She knew it was useless to regret things she could not change, but she could not help but berate herself for not letting him know how she felt before he died, and not seizing the day when she had first realized that she loved him, and not forgiving and apologizing him any sooner. There were so many ugly words and wasted opportunities to regret, and so many reasons to feel angry, bitter, sad, and ashamed. And again, she found herself repeating Severus – the guilt-ridden, grieving, ruined Severus she had seen in a memory. Perhaps it was some sort of irony of fate, or a matter of cosmic balance, or neither of the former, but either way she thought that it was rather poetic that she was suffering the same kind of pain Severus had suffered after her death.

Her last day of freedom was a beautiful one. The sun was shining, and London smelled like flowers, food and summer when she made her way to the Ministry of Magic through the busy streets.

Clearly, Severus hadn't lied about the security of the building being laughable. Blimey, she had heard a rumour that even her son and a number of other children had managed to break into Ministry a few years earlier. It was easy for her to waltz in near closing hours disguised as an old woman, and hide in a bathroom under a mediocre invisibility spell till midnight. Nobody stopped her to ask what she was looking for, and the guards didn't catch her when she crept into the Department of Mysteries in the dark of the night, and found her way back to the room with the archway, which marked the beginning and the end of her journey.

She waited in the silent darkness until the clock struck midnight, and then stepped closer to the ancient ruin, feeling how a primal fear of death suddenly gripped her by the guts.

"I have no way of knowing that this will work," she said to herself, staring at the strangely alluring, ghastly veil, "Maybe this will be the death of me. Maybe I'll get safely home, because I'm supposed to go back."

She could not help trembling nervously when she looked at the eerie archway, and she wasn't sure whether it was courage or cowardice that eventually drove her to close her eyes and step into the unknown.

* * *

"_Lily?"_

Lily woke up – not with a start, and not little by little – to the sound of Marlene McKinnon's voice, and opened her eyes so calmly that she almost felt like she had not even been unconscious. She saw Marlene's face above her, felt the cool stone floor beneath her, and realized that she was lying down on her back right next to the archway.

"Are you alright?" asked Marlene, reaching out her hand to help Lily get back up on her feet. Standing up, she felt slightly dizzy for a passing moment, but then she was well again.

"Yes. I'm fine," Lily replied plainly, and glanced over her shoulder at the haunting, skeleton-like archway, and the veil which never ceased blowing in its own breeze.

"I've been looking for you for ages. What happened? How'd you get down there?"

"I don't know. I can't remember," she replied, which, strangely enough, was the truth. She had no recollection past the point when she had stepped through the veil in the future. She did not remember stepping back into her own time, or falling unconscious.

"I guess I tripped on something and bumped my head," she continued – which, of course, was a lie, "How long have I been missing?"

Marlene shrugged, "Twenty, thirty minutes? We we're supposed to meet outside in ten minutes, remember?"

"Oh. Yes, I do," Lily said, faintly recalling the moment before she had accidentally fallen through the archway. It seemed like an entire lifetime had passed since that night, as though it had all happened to an entirely different Lily. When she thought about the girl who she had been back then, she felt foreign to herself.

"Glad to see you all in one piece. I worried that something might have happened to you," Marlene continued, as they made their way out of the Department of Mysteries, "The battle is over! The Death Eaters ran, though we managed to catch a few of them. None of ours were killed, luckily enough. Fabian's nose was bleeding the last time I saw him, but I think that's about it."

"Good," Lily said, but she couldn't smile, for she knew that many of those who were lucky enough to save their lives tonight would in fact be gone within a couple of years. Marlene included.

Outside, the victorious members of the Order of the Phoenix were cheering and chanting triumphantly like a bunch of football hooligans. Many of them had been bruised by the battle, but all of them were well and alive.

_For now._

"Lily! There you are!"

A familiar voice called Lily's name, and familiar arms grabbed her by the waist from behind. Lily could smell the familiar scent of sweat and cigarettes that followed James everywhere he went. She had never been particularly aware of the way he smelled, but now it felt so strong and overwhelming that she wondered why she hadn't been bothered by it before.

"Did you see us, Lily?" he laughed, turning her around on her heels, planting a quick wet kiss on her lips, "We showed them, Sirius and I! They all ran way screaming for their mothers, the bastards!"

"That's wonderful," said Lily, wiping the saliva off her upper lip. Nobody else but her realized how artificial the joy in her voice sounded, and that she winced after the kiss.

James gave her a quick squeeze, and then rejoined Sirius, who was chatting enthusiastically with Gideon Prewett and Remus Lupin. Dead men, all four of them. Most of the people around her were going to die before the war was over.

Lily watched the people around her, and couldn't escape the same feeling of detachment she had felt in the future after Severus's death. This was supposed to be her world, but she did not feel like a part of it anymore, even though it was precisely the way she remembered it. Nothing had changed.

Except everything.

James looked at her through the cheerful crowd, smiling widely, childishly, like a happy fool. Lily smiled back at him.

And somewhere not that deep down inside, she began to scream.

* * *

**(A/N:**

**FAQ: Dear Ms. Author, can this be the end of Ananke?**

**A: Ehm, nope. Sorry.)**


	29. Mute Cassandra

Lily told no-one about her journey to the future. As far as the rest of the world was concerned, she had been gone for merely twenty minutes, and that she had spent all that time lying unconscious on the floor. Nothing about her physical appearance suggested that she'd experienced anything more remarkable than gaining a bump on the head.

Which was the very thing that puzzled Lily herself the most; she looked _precisely_ the same she had looked when she had fallen through the Veil; her hair, which had grown a little bit during her six-month stay in the future, had changed back into the length it had been, and she had mysteriously gained back the weight she had lost in the past few months. It was almost as though she had never even gone anywhere – as if, she speculated, the whole journey had been nothing but a strange, long dream. However, she soon had to trump this theory, for it wasn't until a week later when the future she had read about began to unfold: a group of Death Eaters murdered Finnegan Wakefield, a noted supporter of Muggle-borns, precisely as Severus had described in an early entry of his journal.

In September, Lily's father died of a heart attack. She could not even cry properly because of him, having already mourned his death in the future when she had realized that she could not change the past. She barely spoke to Petunia at the funeral, but judging on the way her older sister looked at her, she could tell that she wanted nothing to do with Lily anymore, now that the last link between them was gone. Later that night, Lily cried because of her. Too late she realized how much she needed her sister – the only family member she had left. But Petunia hated her, and Lily knew she had every right to feel that way. They had been like two strangers ever since Lily had gone to Hogwarts, and neither of them had done anything to mend their relationship. Lily wished she could have made up with her in time.

Lily went on with her life, though she hardly felt like she was even living. Every day felt like just another step closer to the end of her life, full of necessary tasks she performed like a machine. She watched the past of the future become the present, acting precisely as she was meant to act.

She tried very hard not to think about Severus and spend hours awake in her bed, wondering where he was and what he was doing, but she couldn't help herself. He occupied her thoughts constantly, and it tore her up from the inside to know that he was alive, well, and in deep trouble in this time and place, and that she could do nothing to help him. Severus's fate was sealed, just like hers. She knew it was useless to regret matters she could not change, but she couldn't help but torture herself on an hourly basis by thinking about all the things she could have done differently.

Her short life had not turned out the way she had expected, and it wasn't just because she was going to die so young. When she had pictured herself in her early twenties in her glorified teenage dreams, she had seen herself as an aspiring journalist, or as a successful Healer-to-be, or even as a beloved Professor, not as a jobless mother living off her rich husband. She'd always dreamed of eventually marrying and having a family, but she'd never imagined it happening so soon. While she was proud to be a mother (for she already felt like one, even though Harry was yet to be born), she had never pictured herself as one of those girls who got pregnant and married fresh out of school, before making anything out of herself. Secretly, it angered her, because she hadn't worked very, very hard at school only to become a mere housewife. When had her life taken an unplanned turn, and how come she hadn't even seen it coming?

Lily, James, and Sirius had all taken a year off after leaving Hogwarts. She had put so much effort and energy into her N.E.W.T.s that she gladly took some time off to rest before choosing herself a career; James and Sirius had resorted to spending their days having fun and causing havoc like a couple of fifteen-year-olds who had been left home alone without adult supervision for the first time in their lives. Most of the time, Lily had felt like an over-worked single-mother of two uncontrollable brats.

She had dreamed of applying for an apprenticeship at St. Mungo's, or for a job at the Daily Prophet. She'd also considered teaching, or pursuing a career in the justice department of the Ministry of Magic. She had been determined to make something useful out of herself – to be able to help and influence people, to be able to right wrongs. "To fight social injustice!" she had thought in her innocent, fervent, youthful passion. Her marks had been excellent, and she had had confidence in her ability to pass any test; despite the war, her future had looked open and bright. Still, she'd chosen to suspend all her ambitions for a year, thinking that she had her whole life to pursue them.

She had gotten a job as a cashier at Flourish and Botts, even though had soon moved in with James, who had inherited so much money from his late parents that they could have both lived is prosperity for years without having to work for a day. She hadn't dared to admit it at the time, but she took immense pleasure in the fact that for the first time in her life, she didn't have to worry about money all the time. Unlike James, Lily had not grown up in a wealthy home. Her family could only afford the bare necessities of life, and nothing more, which was why money had been a constant source of stress and concern. With James, money had never been an issue; Lily could enjoy her life without having to worry about whether she was able to put food on the table or pay the rent. Life had been like a long vacation.

Now Lily wondered whether she'd found life with James so enjoyable if they had been penniless. She certainly wasn't after James's money, but much of his appeal was based on the fact that everything was so easy with him. James was able to give her everything she needed; he showered her with gifts and attention, and he came with none of the controversial baggage her friendship with Severus had been loaded with. All in all, James was the ideal man in every other aspect, except in the only one that mattered. Lily feared that she had been gravely mistaken about her feelings for James for the start – that she had confused comfort with genuine affection.

Sirius had moved in with the two, and for many months the three had lived a careless, idle life full of laughter, parties, and other distractions, comfortably oblivious to the war which was getting bloodier and bloodier every day. They had all woken up to the reality of the war when a mutual friend of theirs – a Muggle-born fellow Gryffindor – had been murdered very brutally by the Death Eaters. Together, they had all decided to join the secret movement against Voldemort they had all heard rumours about. Sirius had gotten a job at Gringotts, but James had remained unemployed to devote all of his energy to the Order of the Phoenix. Lily, too, had decided to postpone realizing her vague dreams of building herself a career. At the time, fighting the war had seemed more important than educating herself. "I can do all that later in my life," she had thought, and focused on being a proud, enthusiastic member of the Order of the Phoenix.

Now she looked back at her life, and gave a cynical snort at her naïve faith in tomorrow. She would never be a Healer, or a judge, or a journalist, or a professor. She would not even last long as a mediocre freedom fighter. In less than two years of time, she would become a mother, and then die for her child. In the end, everything she had learned in her life served absolutely no purpose. In the end, it would all come down to her just keeling over and dying on cue.

* * *

"Lils?"

Lily was startled by the sound of James's voice and immediately sank lower beneath the surface of her bubbly bath water.

"James, _please_ – knock on the door before barging in!" Lily snapped, "That's the thing with bathrooms. Most sane and civilized people prefer to enjoy their naked time in private. I'd like to hold on to that principle even if I'm living in this monkey house with you two baboons."

James shrugged indifferently, walked straight to the laundry basket, salvaging a pair of socks and smelling them before proceeding to pull them on. "Fix the lock on the door, then, prissy one. Why'd you even get so mad over me seeing you naked? Nothing there I haven't already seen, love."

"'Doubt that," Lily grumbled under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing," she sighed, "And it's not really my fault that this place is falling apart. I've told you a hundred times that this house should be renovated before it starts to rot. Besides, Sirius is the one you broke the door. I'm not going to clean up after you two like a maid every time you wreck something."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's get a house-elf," James said, absent-minded. He then glanced at her and cocked a suspicious eyebrow, "Didn't you already bathe in the morning?"

"Yes. That was hours ago."

He shook his head, "I don't get your obsession with bathing."

Lily looked away from him, as her thoughts traveled yet again to a faraway place. She had picked up the habit of bathing all the time while she had lived under Severus's roof. Whenever she sank into warm, soothing water, she could clear her mind and recall those days that seemed to be far away in the past now – the days when she had trusted that she had the power to change the world, and when she had just started falling in love with Severus...

"Lily?" said James warily, and Lily snapped backed into reality. She had drifted off again, and James had noticed it. She blinked very fast, and looked as flustered as anyone who was very obviously hiding something.

"Well, yes, you wouldn't get bathing, would you?" she said, trying to distract him by adding lightness to the tone of her voice, "You're wearing dirty socks you just picked up from the laundry basket. Are you honestly still confused about the function of a laundry basket, or do you just have a massive problem with the ideology of it?"

Normally, James would have said something playfully spiteful in return according to the unwritten rules of the little game they always played. This time, he didn't – he just looked at her sheepishly, and left the room, clearly fearing that she would tell him why she looked so sad and desperate from time to time. Perhaps he had started to suspect that she was about to leave him – which she wasn't, of course, but _Merlin_ was she tempted to.

If James had a feeling that something had happened to her in the Department of Mysteries, he hadn't said anything about it. She reckoned that her seemingly sudden fall into depression could be explained by the death of her father – which was, of course, partly true, but only partly. Her father was only one of the people she mourned. She tried to act as if nothing was wrong, but all the pretense was driving her mad when she had to spend her days with people who were blissfully unaware of the fact that they were all going to die sooner than they expected.

Living with James was the hardest thing of all. Now only did she have to look him in the eyes day after day knowing that he, too, would die so young, but she also had to pretend that nothing had changed between them. She tried to smile at him, kiss him, and laugh with him as she used to, as if nothing was different, but it was all an act. She was not the same Lily she had been before falling through the veil, and neither were her feelings for James.

No, that was not true. Her feelings for James were pretty much the same. She still had a _fondness_ for him, and she reckoned she could have still been _amused_ by him, had the awareness of their shared fate not dragged her down all the time. The problem was that what she had felt for Severus made everything she had ever felt for James seem petty and shallow in comparison. The illusion of true affection had shattered, and now all she had was the bleak, depressing truth about the story of Lily and James.

After her messy fight with Severus, James had been a much-needed vacation. She had been with James out of idleness and self-indulgence – because it had been easy and comfortable, because she never had to do anything to maintain his interest in her, because she had been flattered by his shameless and persistent interest in her. All that with the price of conveniently forgetting all the disgusting things James had done.

Lily was now certain of what she had only vaguely doubted before; she had never been in love with James, and couldn't imagine ever being truly happy with him. She wondered how she had ever managed to convince herself that there was something real there that she couldn't trace back to vanity or misjudgement. But the damage had already been done, and she was doomed to live with the consequences.

Sex with James was awkward and joyless, but a necessity none the less. Harry had to be conceived somehow, after all, but it was nearly impossible for her to relax and enjoy herself with so many hidden truths throbbing inside of her. Sometimes she passed the time by counting them all as she squirmed under James's sweaty frame, faking moans of ecstasy to keep him under the impression that everything was fine – that she loved him, that she didn't love Severus, that she hadn't seen tomorrow, that this wasn't their final hour. One, two, three, four – four lovely little lies, all slithering merrily inside her mouth like worms, making everything she ate taste rotten.

Sometimes, she thought of Severus while they were at it, and felt dirty doing so. Sometimes she warmed herself up by thinking about his kisses when she kissed James, using the faint memories of their brief time together to reach the release she sometimes needed to keep herself sane. She distracted herself with orgasms to momentarily forget all about death, feeling like she had betrayed Severus, James, and herself when she was finished.

It hadn't stopped her from getting pregnant, though.

"Yep," she had said cynically to herself on one fine January morning, when she had found herself once again bent over the toilet bowl, violently emptying the contents of her stomach, "The eagle has definitely landed."

In spite of everything – the infernal morning sickness included – Lily was strangely soothed by the fact that she was expecting. She had so few reasons to be happy and hopeful in her life that she had to invest all of her positive thoughts on the fact that at least her son would survive. Whenever she was sad and lonely and felt like she could not take it anymore, she thought about the unborn child inside of her and tried to make herself believe that it was better this way. The war would claim many, many lives, but in the end Harry would stop Voldemort, and all would be well.

But it still seemed so wrong and unreasonable to her.

She knew she had to tell James about the baby eventually, but she found herself postponing the announcement week after week. Frankly, the thought telling him that he was going to be a father made her feel more sick than the pregnancy itself, for she could already picture how it was going to turn out.

James would be overjoyed. Shocked, perhaps, but insanely happy anyways. He would ask her whether she was sure, and she would say yes, and then he would ask how it was possible, and then she would point out the causal relationship between unprotected sex and pregnancy, and then he would give it a minute to sink in before scooping Lily into his arms and tell her how excited he was before finally asking her to be his wife. He would tell Sirius, Remus, and Peter at once, and probably throw a little party full of champagne and fireworks in honour of his glorious future, and fall asleep that night drunk on sparkling wine and joy, dreaming of the day he would teach his son (for he would naturally wish for a boy) how to walk, and how to talk, and how to fly a broom, and how one day he and Lily would wave their little boy goodbye and watch him mount the Hogwarts Express for the first time.

And Lily would cringe at his joy, and fight back tears of sorrow, pity, and rage, knowing that James would never walk Harry to the Hogwarts Express because he'd be long dead by then, just like Lily. Neither of them would see their son grow up, for they would only have a little more than a year together as a family. Harry would grow up fatherless and motherless, and he'd be forced to start fighting the war far too soon in his life. How could Lily tell James, and witness his reaction without starting to scream, knowing that the birth of Harry meant death for both of them?

Lily stroked her round belly, which she had hidden carefully under a pile of bubbles when James had entered the bathroom. Soon, her pregnancy would become glaringly obvious to anyone who looked at her, and then she'd have to tell James. Up until now, she had been able to hide the truth by not undressing in front of him and wearing heavy clothes and belts over her midriff so that he couldn't feel the difference when he held her.

_This is pointless, really_, she thought. _He's going to find out anyways. I should just get it over and done with straight away._

But she didn't. When she finally got fed up with soaking herself in the bath, she put the thickest robe she had on and went straight to the bedroom, changing into her pajamas and slipping quickly between the covers.

James appeared at the door of the bedroom and frowned deeply at the sight of her. He was wearing one of his best and cleanest robes, and Lily could smell his cologne to where she was sitting. "You're going to bed? Already?"

"Sorry. I'm really tired," she said, and wasn't lying – she felt exhausted all the time these days, even when she hadn't done anything special all day. "I'm feeling a bit under the weather."

"We were supposed to go to that party at the Ministry of Magic tonight," he replied scornfully, "Remember? The Valentine's Day Ball we were invited to?"

"Shit!" Lily cursed, slapping herself in the forehead, "I completely forgot."

"The boys are coming too," said James, "Remus and Peter are probably there already."

"Can't you go with them?" asked Lily anxiously. She was not in the mood for any kind of party. "You're going to leave me by the punch bowl and clown around with Sirius all night long anyways. Does it really matter whether I'm even coming or not?"

"No, it probably doesn't," James growled, "Have a fun night snoring. Sirius and I are off."

With that, he closed the door very loudly and left Lily alone. She gave a frustrated snort and turned off the light, refusing to feel guilty for hurting James's feelings. He had no idea what it was like to be in her position. How could have she enjoyed a party that was most likely going to be crowded with people who were going to die within two years of time? It wouldn't have been a party for her – it would have been a wake. She was like a mute Cassandra, seeing all the destruction that lay ahead and not even being able to warn others about it.

Death, death, death. It was all that surrounded her. Dead people talked to her and smiled to her every day, and she had to keep on smiling back at them. She had to; fate ordered her to do so.

She wasn't sure how long she had slept when she suddenly woke up to a knock on the bedroom door. She instantly knew it was neither James nor Sirius, for neither of them got the idea of knocking.

"Who is it?" she called out cautiously, and wasn't even sure why she felt a little bit scared. After all, nothing bad could happen to her since she was going to be alive and well the day she would die.

"It's Peter," came a frightened, shaky voice.

"Peter?" she said to herself, confused, glancing at the clock – it was two o'clock in the morning – and wondered what he was doing in her house in the middle of the night, and how he had gotten in.

She put on her robe and narrowed the door warily – it was difficult for her to talk to Peter, knowing that he was going to be responsible of her and James's deaths in the future. She let out a gasp upon seeing the state he was in; every inch of his body was covered in a combination of dust and blood, and he had a large bandage on his left ear.

"What happened to you?" she asked in horror, though he looked a dozen times more horrified than her.

"I-I-I was sent here to get you," he stuttered, and his voice was heavy with fear and swallowed tears. The hair on the back of Lily's head stood erect ominously. "What do you mean?" she asked.

She couldn't see his face from the layer of blood and dirt, but somehow she was sure that his skin was as white as sheet when he replied to her:

"There's been a terrible accident."


	30. Chaos

Peter had not told her a lie. Lily knew it the second she arrived at St. Mungo's and saw the bleeding people with their tattered clothes and frightened faces.

She had suspected so – or, rather, hoped so – when he had told her what had happened. It had all sounded unreal, and it still did, even though Lily was seeing victims of the tragedy everywhere. The hospital was crowded with the wounded, some of who were screaming and moaning, some of who were frantically trying to explain what had happened, and some of who were saying nothing at all.

Healers and nurses were running around the cramped corridors of the hospital, slipping on the muddy, bloody floor and bumping into patients who were still waiting for help, or to hysterical visitors who were searching desperately for their loved ones. The air was thick of the smells of smoke, dirt, blood, and death.

Lily moved slowly through the nightmarish scene, scanning the faces of the people she passed by, recognizing many of them. She wanted to go on and do something to help them, but the gripping feeling of guilt inside her chest kept her from stopping until she would find James, or whatever was left of him after the accident. Still, when she passed by one a room where several Healers were working on a single patient, she saw something that made her freeze on her tracks.

"Remus?" she said, darting to the bed. It was him: Remus was lying on the bed in a puddle of his own blood, looking more dead than alive. He was unconscious, and he looked like he was burning up, covered in blood and dust like everyone else.

"What happened to you, Remus?" she whispered in horror, knowing she would not get a reply, and let her eyes travel to the other end of the bed, gasping loudly when she found an answer to her own question.

"Move away, Miss!" snapped one of the nurses, dragging her swiftly out of the room, "You're doing your friend a greater favour by staying out of the way!"

The door was closed with a loud bang. Lily covered her mouth with her hand, feeling like she was either going to be sick on the floor, or scream her lungs out. She closed her eyes, but she couldn't get the image of Remus's mangled body out of her mind. She knew it was going to haunt her for a very long time.

His lower body had been all blood and gore. She wasn't sure whether she had seen traces of legs beneath all the red.

"Lily?"

She looked up and saw James, too shocked by the sight of Remus to be relieved to see James still in one piece. Like everyone else, he, too, looked bruised and dirty, but his injuries were mild in comparison to Remus's. The corner of his left eye had been patched, and he seemed to be missing his glasses, but he seemed well enough nevertheless.

Aside from looking like his soul had been shattered with a hammer.

"James," said Lily, torn between being happy to see him alive, and being horrified by the look of absolute defeat on his face, "I came as soon as I heard. I sent Peter home. He looked like he needed rest."

James nodded silently, biting his teeth to hold back a mental breakdown, but the tears came anyways. Without saying another word, he fell into Lily's arms and began to snivel and howl as uncontrollably as an infant, coughing out

horrible, ghastly cries of pain and loss.

"Merlin, Lily... it was _awful_," he croaked through his sobs, "Sirius is gone. They say – they say they found him in the rubble..."

It was all he could say before he was overtaken by tears. He cried against Lily's shoulder so roughly she could feel the fabric of her cloak getting soaked in salt water. She wished she could have said something to comfort him, but nothing came to her. Her mind was completely blank, and she couldn't even cry. She couldn't even fully comprehend what James had just told her – that Sirius was dead. All she could think of was how strange James looked when he cried. She had never seen him cry. In fact, she couldn't even remember ever seeing him looking sad.

"They're going to pay for this!" James growled in rage, pulling away from Lily, "They are _fucking _finished. Whoever is responsible for this... I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill them all!"

Lily stared at him silently, feeling as though she could have choked into her own guilt, still unable to cry, still unable to think of anything to say.

"Oh, _fuck!_" he cried out miserably, breaking into tears again, and wiping his tear-and-blood-smeared face on his dirty sleeve, "Stay here. I have to find Remus. I'm not sure where they've taken him. I've been looking for him for ages, but nobody here tells me anything."

"He's right over there. I saw him," said Lily finally, gesturing at the room she had just been thrown out of. Her voice was hoarse and weak, as though she had just spoken for the first time in months.

Lily watched him stagger towards the door, and instantly turned into the opposite direction, disappearing behind the corner before she even realized that her feet had started to carry her away from him. No, she would not take another look at Remus. Once was enough. She was not going to stay there and witness the total demolition of James's world and stand there like a blithering, mute idiot, pretending that she was not partly responsible for it.

She walked on through the bloody crowd wanting nothing more than to get away from them all and be alone with her burning questions. She eventually ended up in the small, empty garden in the courtyard of the hospital, and sat down on a bench.

Stepping outside was like stepping into a whole different reality. The night was peaceful and beautiful – a perfect contrast to the chaotic hospital. There was a thin layer of snow on the ground, and the chilly air turned her breath into little white clouds. It was eerily quiet outside, but she could hardly hear her own thoughts from the sound of blood rushing in her temples. Inside her mind, a banshee-like voice was screaming one question over and over again.

How did this happen?

She recalled the brief exchange of words she and Peter had had before she had left for St. Mungo's.

"_Death Eaters," the pale and shaking Peter had finally said, after Lily had offered him a glass of water, and a chair to sit on, "We... everything was going well at the Ball, and then all of a sudden there were Death Eaters everywhere, cursing people and smashing the decorations. People were screaming and running, and James told me to go with him, but I panicked and ran outside with the rest. I... I don't know what exactly happened inside, but suddenly there was an explosion, so powerful it made my ears bleed even though I was standing outside, and then the Ministry..."_

_He had paused, and hands had began to shake more furiously._

"_Yes?" Lily had said._

"_It just blew up to pieces, like a barrel of gunpowder. When the dust settled, I - I was in the middle of fire and rubble, and there was a huge, gaping hole where the eastern wing should have been, and the roof was still coming down piece by piece. And – and all those people who had escaped the Ministry – most of them had been hit by the flying bits of pieces. They were all bloody, and screaming, and grey with dust. I don't even know how many were caught inside."_

"_Peter, where's James?"_

Dizzy and nauseous, Lily put her head between her knees and took a deep breath, trying to make sense out of her scattered thoughts.

She was not supposed to be able to change the past. Dumbledore had told her so – _convinced _her of it, that nothing that the course of history could not be tampered with. That was the point of her not even trying to change anything, wasn't it? That it was her destiny to live her life exactly as expected? The only reason she hadn't done anything different was because she had been told by Dumbledore that she _couldn't _do anything different even if she tried.

Then how was this possible?

Then, out of nowhere, she remembered something she'd forgotten, and suddenly realized where it had all went wrong: _The Valentine's Day Ball._ She faintly recalled Severus's journal, and the brief entry describing a battle occurring during the Ball, and her taking part in it, but the entry had said nothing about a tragic accident. In fact, if she recalled correctly, Lily was quite certain that nobody was supposed to die during the battle.

_This wasn't supposed to happen,_ thought she_, I was supposed to be there_,_ but I chose to stay home instead._

Was this her fault? Had she unwittingly caused the death of Sirius? Was she responsible for the loss of many innocent lives because she had not been where she had supposed to be, and therefore somehow affected the course of events that had lead to the explosion at the Ministry?

She gave a pitiful little whimper and looked up at the sky, but saw nothing but darkness and distant stars. A terrible feeling of guilt was ripping her insides apart like a black hole, and it wasn't until the shame and the grief turned into a fireball of rage when she got her strength back.

"Dumbledore was wrong," she said out loud. The words left a bitter aftertaste in her mouth. Dumbledore had been entirely, thoroughly wrong about everything he had told her. The history could be changed after all; she _was _able to act according to her own free will regardless of the proposed future she had visited, and she had been able to do so all along. Fatalism did not rule the world; free will did.

And yet, this was not news to her. She had never really believed in fate and destiny, but her firm faith in Dumbledore's wisdom and integrity had made her change her mind. It would have never even occurred to her to think of time as a plan she was forced to follow if Dumbledore hadn't lead her to believe so.

So, had Severus been right about Dumbledore from the start? Had Dumbledore purposefully mislead Lily, tricking her into acting the way she was supposed to act so that he could reach his own secret gains, whatever they were? Or had he simply been mistaken, making an honest miscalculation about the flow of time? No, that did not seem likely – surely Dumbledore would have encouraged her to at least try changing the course of history had there been the slightest doubt in his mind that he might be wrong. He knew – he _must have_ known that he was misleading her.

But why? Why would have Dumbledore done such a thing?

She was not sure how long she sat there alone in the winter night, trying to make sense out of Dumbledore's motives, knowing that she would never find the answers, but it must have been quite a while, for when James eventually found her sitting outside, the cold had turned her hands and feet all numb, and coloured her lips blue.

"There you are," James said in a raspy, weary voice, and sat down next to her. Lily said nothing.

"Remus is not going to walk again," he continued, sounding just as hollow as Lily had expected, "His legs... there's just no way of repairing them. A column fell on him."

Again, the mental image of the bloody Remus flashed in front of Lily's eyes.

"Sirius and I were probably the last people inside," said James, and his voice sounded oddly child-like, "Most of the guests had already ran outside, and some of the Death Eaters had been caught, but there were still a few of them left, and so Sirius and I went after them. They ran around howling like a bunch of lunatics, and we kept chasing them until we caught them. I was fighting two of them, and Sirius went after the third one who ran straight into the Department of Mysteries. And then, all of a sudden, I heard Sirius screaming, 'Run, James!' and that's when the explosion came. It threw me against a wall, and for a moment I was unconscious. When I woke up, I was lying in this small space between the wall and this loose door, and when I got out of there, all I could see was piles of bricks, pieces of boards, and smoke. There was no more Department of Mysteries, and no more Sirius."

Lily squeezed the edge of the bench so hard that her palms began to bleed, but she wouldn't make a sound.

They sat together in the cold silence for several agonizing minutes, during which Lily could not stop thinking about the sorrow, hate, pain, and anger radiating from him – and about how it was all her fault.

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you," he said eventually, and took something out of his pocket. He opened his fist and showed her a ring, and Lily realized where he was heading.

"This ring has been in my pocket for months," said James, "I've known from the moment I met you that I'm going to marry you one day. I've been waiting for the right moment to propose, but the ideal moment just hasn't arrived. But today I thought, _hell_ – if this isn't the right moment to ask, then never is. Life's short. Every opportunity passed is an opportunity wasted. That could be us there, under the rubble, instead of Sirius. Sirius would have wanted this, too. So what do you say, Lily? Let's make it official, first thing tomorrow?"

Lily stared at the ring James was holding at the level of her eyes. It looked ancient and priceless – probably a family heirloom, passed down from a generation to another. She then looked up at him, into his hazel, sincere eyes, and couldn't help but be moved by him.

She had been very hard on James lately – a little bit too hard, perhaps. She'd grown to dislike him quite a bit because he was a walking reminder of the bad choices she had made. It was not really fair, for it wasn't  
really James's fault that she was somewhere she preferred not to be, with somebody that was no substitute for the one she truly loved.

Looking at him now, Lily realized that there really was a side to James that genuinely appealed to him. She had just forgotten all about during the past few months. It was this unpretentious sincerity that he was displaying right now – this absolute, fearless frankness that always drove him to do what his heart urged him to do. James was nothing more and nothing less than what he appeared to be. He carried his heart boldly on his sleeve and while he definitely was capable of many levels of cruelty, he knew nothing about deceit and dishonesty.

He had been very clear about his feelings for Lily from the start, being never too embarrassed to admit how he felt for her, and that was why Lily knew that he was being perfectly, thoroughly, gravely serious when he told her that he loved her, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. And on that moment, Lily remembered why she had fallen for James to begin with many years earlier: James made her feel safe and warm, like she didn't have a care in the world. Even now, he was oozing the same kind of confidence that made her want to hold him like he was the only thing that kept her from drowning.

She no longer had any doubts that in another time, and in another place, she might have indeed been happy living the rest of her brief life with him. Perhaps their union had not been as shallow and unsatisfying as she had grown to believe it was. Maybe she had fallen so completely in love with what was good about him that she had learned to accept his imperfections, and forgive him his past mistakes.

Perhaps they could have been happy together, after all.

"So, will you marry me, Lily Evans?" James asked, just in case Lily had misunderstood him the first time.

Perhaps Lily Potter had indeed died a happy woman, with no regrets regarding her husband.

_Every opportunity passed is an opportunity wasted._

"No, James," said she.


	31. Blood for Blood

Lily couldn't get rid of the smell of blood and dirt for days. She knew that she was probably just imagining it, but it still seemed as though her clothes, hair, and even her very skin were still reeking of death no matter how many times she scrubbed herself clean. Sometimes she thought that she could even smell it in the wind when she opened the window, as though the air itself had gotten thick with the stench of blood, or bloodlust.

The world of magic would never be the same after the attack at the Valentine's Day Ball – which, though, turned out to be a little less destructive than Lily had originally understood. Many of the guests had been hurt, but only few of them had severe and untreatable injuries. A handful of people had lost their lives since most of the guests had already fled the building by the time the accident happened. The Ministry of Magic itself hadn't collapsed completely, either. Only the Department of Mysteries had been destroyed in an explosion caused by an unknown magical reaction.

Still, there wasn't a witch or a wizard in Britain who hadn't been shaken by the attack. A knife had been struck in the heart of their society, and they could all feel it. They could all taste the bitter taste of mortality in their mouths, and those who had not feared already feared now. The centre of power of their world had been violated and humiliated by a handful of Death Eaters in the middle of a ball attended by numerous Aurors. If the Aurors couldn't protect the Ministry, was anyone really safe?

The cause of the explosion and the purpose of the attack still remained unknown. Some believed that Voldemort had sent a number of his most fanatical followers to the ball simply to cause havoc, others said that he had attempted to take over the building and overthrow the Ministry, and some speculated that he had attempted to steal something from the vaults of the Department of Mysteries and that the explosion had been a pure accident. Lily was no wiser than the next person, for she couldn't remember exactly what Severus had written about the incident in his journal, apart from the fact that she had been there, and that no-one had died. Her absence had drastically altered the course of history, which made her partly responsible of the deaths

The air was certainly thicker now. When Lily made her way to Sirius's funeral through the crowded Diagon Alley next Sunday, she could smell the rotten stench in the street, that awful smell of infection. It came from no particular man or woman, but from the air between them, from their hateful words, cold stares, and little acts of violence. Muggle-borns were throwing rocks at shops run by old pure-blood families, pure-bloods were no longer lowering their voices when they spoke ill of Muggle-borns, half-bloods were attacking both. There was a fight going on in every pub and tavern, and every street was echoing with furious voices.

"_- I say we should torch them all now. No good ever came out of the Slytherin house. Why does the Ministry even suffer them to exist? Because they're all corrupted, Slytherin-obeying filth -"_

"_- only people with pure wizard blood in them are wizards, and that's the end of it. I don't know what to call those half-breeds, but they definitely aren't wizards. Our world and our knowledge should belong to real wizards alone. They're the ones causing all the trouble -"_

"_- every pure-blood is a crazy, inbred fanatic. We should have locked them all up the first time they intruded the Ministry. We just can't trust any of them -"_

"_- this Mudblood scum is destroying everything our fathers worked hard to build -"_

"_- if you gave me two minutes alone with those fucks, just two minutes... They'd be begging for a hanging by the end of the first minute, I tell you -"_

Most of the time, Lily was not even sure who was yelling at who, and for what reason. Nobody seemed to remember that it was Voldemort who had organized the attack, and not every single member of particular birth.

It wasn't as though there hadn't been hostilities before. The was a war going on, and people had been taking sides for decades. However, the attack at the Ministry had heightened the mutual hatred between enemies overnight. What had once been merely tension had now burst into flames, and fighting was no longer something that occurred between Death Eaters and those who resisted them. The war was now everywhere.

Lily arrived at James's intentionally late, hoping that she could sneak in without drawing too much attention to herself. It felt awfully strange to knock on the door as a guest only a few days after moving out – she had packed her things and left the house for good the morning after Sirius's death. Much to her relief, the door was open, and she was able to join the grieving guests without having to greet James, for it would have been disastrously painful to look him in the eyes after what she had done.

James had spared no expenses while arranging Sirius's funeral. Sirius's own family had naturally expressed no desire to bury him, so James had gladly taken over the task. By the look of it, he had invested a quarter of his fortune in the funeral arrangements. It seemed like every bucket of white flowers and every bottle of firewhiskey in the country had been reeled in James's sitting room, though none of it seemed to be of any amusement to the host himself. James still looked as grave and ill as he had looked the night Sirius's had died, although he had stopped crying and started drinking instead.

Lily had been unsure about whether it would be proper for her to attend the funeral. On the other hand, she knew that facing James only a little over a week after leaving him would be both mighty awkward and potentially dangerous, but she did want to bid her farewell to her dear friend Sirius Eventually, she had decided to attend, and tried very hard not to have the briefest conversation with James, even though he did look so crushingly sad and pitiful that she wished she could have said something to console him. However, she knew that there was nothing on earth she could have said to ease his horrible pain, or to justify her tactless behaviour, for she could never tell him all the reasons she had had for turning him down so bluntly.

He had taken her refusal rather easily, but it was only because he had been too weak and baffled to demand a proper explanation. He had settled with her clumsy excuses and seemed to accept the fact that she simply did not love him anymore – which was true – and that she had wanted to leave him for a while now – which was also true – but it wasn't the whole truth, and she feared that he would eventually ask more questions, questions she couldn't answer. Lily wasn't much of a liar, and she wasn't particularly good at hiding things either, and that was why she knew the only reason to keep James from suspecting anything was to run away to the hills until she had done something about a little problem called Harry.

Luckily, it was easy for her to avoid him, for it seemed like James was not in the mood for a conversation. He spent most of the time sitting alone in the corner with a glass of whiskey in his hand, looking remarkably uninterested in his surroundings. As far as she knew, he didn't even notice that she was present.

When Lily looked around herself and recalled the time when she had been living with James and Sirius within these very same walls, it felt as though an eternity had passed since the morning she had moved out. So much had happened since the three of them had last been together, although it had only been days. Sirius was now dead, James was living on his own, and she was alone and homeless, desperately trying to figure out what to do next. She had spent the last few days in a cheap inn trying to compose some kind of a plan, but she still wasn't completely sure whether she was about to do the right thing.

As far as Lily herself was concerned, she was partly responsible of the attack. She knew that she could never forgive herself for indirectly causing the deaths of Sirius and all the others, and she also felt guilty for foolishly taking Dumbledore's words for granted against Severus's constant warnings_. If I had just listened to my heart and done things differently from the start, none of this would have ever happened_, she thought. She had wasted almost seven months doing nothing but being apathic. All that time could have been easily spent fighting Voldemort instead. And finding Severus, but now it had to wait.

She felt like there was a ticking time bomb inside of her just waiting to go off. She could feel it even now when she secretly felt her round belly through her clothes, thinking about how long it would take until she could no longer hide her pregnancy. A few weeks at the most, probably even less. It was a miracle she had managed to keep it a secret this long. She looked at James, who was still sitting alone in the corner, and she wondered whether he even had a clue that he had almost become a father. She almost choked into her own guilt when she thought about having to deny him the joy of fatherhood, knowing how much he would have loved to have a son. She had to go on living with the fact that she had robbed him a brother, a wife, and a son. But she would give him life.

Lily remarked that none of Sirius's relatives were present – save for his cousin Andromeda, who had also been disowned by her family. Not showing up had certainly been a wise decision, for Lily had a sense that they would have been torn to shreds by the angry mob if they had been caught near the place. The stench of bloodlust and anger was stronger here than anywhere else. Most of the guests seemed to be more angry than sad, and she could hear the words "Slytherins" and "revenge" thrown out too many times.

She did not like it at all.

Although she felt no sympathy for Voldemort and positively loathed everything he stood for, she could not help but feel sick in the stomach because of the things people said. Lily wanted justice for the victims of the attack as well, but she did not believe that a bloody vendetta would solve anything. If anything, it would only increase the hostilities, and give the Death Eaters another reason to strike. If these people really wanted to resist Death Eaters, they would have to be above Voldemort and his followers. They had to be better than just a hateful, violent mob.

Lily spent the first hour wandering purposelessly around the house with her glass of red wine, until she finally sat on a chair in the sitting room, and, in the lack of company, became preoccupied with the conversation the two men sitting on the sofa near her were having. Glancing to her side, she recognized the cursing man as Timothy Sonley, a brutish, foul-mouthed Gryffindor she remembered from Hogwarts. The man he was speaking with was also a former Gryffindor, although Lily did not know his name.

"...fucking inbred pure-blood scum. It's unbelievable. Makes me want to set their houses on fire while they're asleep inside," said Sonley, emptying what couldn't have been his first glass of whiskey.

"Now, Tim. Not all pure-bloods are filth," said the other man, "I'm pure-blood as well, and so was poor Black over there."

"'S true. Some of you are alright. But those Slytherins... Murderers, criminals, animals, every one of 'em. Should be put out of their miseries the moment they get sorted."

"I know. I don't know why we're not tracking down every single Slytherin in the country and lock them up in Azkaban now. We all know they're the ones supporting You-Know-Who, so why isn't the Ministry doing anything about it? Sirius Black and all the others would have been saved if they had done something about the Slytherin problem by now."

"Yeah. They should all be dealt with before they get to us. Malfoy, Rosier, the Lestranges, Mulciber, Snape – bam!" he banged his fist loudly against the table, "They're all obviously in, so what are we waiting for?"

Lily had to bite on her lip to keep herself from stepping in and telling him off. The Lestranges, Mulciber, and many other Death Eaters might have deserved a harsh punishment for their crimes, but just because majority of Death Eaters were Slytherins it did not mean that a mad killing spree was in place. Not even the worst ones of them all deserved a mindless execution, nor the travesty of a trial the Ministry offered them. There was no justice, mercy, or good will anywhere in this world – not among the Death Eaters, not in the Ministry, and not even here among the common people.

And then there were people like Severus – people who had been lured in when they had been too young to realize what they had signed in for. He couldn't have been the only one who had eventually started having regrets about joining, and found it impossible to get out. All Death Eaters couldn't be incurable lunatics and cold-hearted murderers. There had to be others like Severus in the ranks of the Dark Lord – confused, mislead, stupidly mistaken young sods who were yet to soil their hands with blood, and who would gladly quit being Death Eaters altogether if they only could. If they wanted a chance to redeem themselves, they deserved one.

Disgusted, Lily sat up with the intention of getting as far away from Sonley and his friend as she could, but it seemed like everywhere she went in the house, she got within an earshot of someone else displaying similar attitudes. _Fucking Slytherins. Kill them all. We have to protect our children._ _They will all pay for this, murderers. _They all wanted blood – anyone's blood, as long as it belonged to someone slightly different to them. As if fresh blood would wash away the blood the Death Eaters had spilled. They didn't want justice; they just wanted an easy target for their hate so that they didn't have to see any fault in themselves, and the same thing could easily be said about Death Eaters and all who supported them.

She kept on walking round and round the house, unable to find a comfortable place to stand in, and eventually decided to hide in the room where Sirius's coffin lied. People wouldn't go near the coffin after paying Sirius their formal farewells, even though there wasn't even a body in it; most of Sirius's remains were still buried under the ruins of the Department of Mysteries. There were only photos, clothes, and other symbolical items inside the coffin representing the man himself.

The door was slightly ajar, and Lily was glad she decided to peer through the crack before barging in, for James was standing in the room and she had no desire to join him. His back was turned against the door, but Lily could see his face through a mirror. He stared at the coffin as if he was watching his own dead corpse lying there, ready to be buried.

James was resting his hand upon the coffin, stroking the wooden surface gently as though Sirius could somehow feel it through all the times and places that separated the two friends. He was muttering something so quietly that Lily couldn't quite make out what he was saying, until he raised his voice a little bit to utter the following words:

"...They will pay. I swear to you on my life, they will pay. I'll see that they will. Blood for blood, Sirius. Blood for a blood brother."

Suddenly, Lily began to feel queasy, sick, and too mad to spend another minute in the house. Although she was struck with great pity by the extent of James's grief, she was also angry with him, and with all the rest of them. So it really had gone down to this? They – Gryffindors, members of the Order, and others who resisted Voldemort – who should have been infinitely better than Voldemort and his men were now declaring vendetta upon "Slytherins". Weren't they suppose to be the brave ones? Weren't they suppose to be above this?

How could these people be so blind and full of hate? While she did understand that they were all hurt and scared, she still couldn't comprehend why they all had to turn against each other. Voldemort was to blame, not all Slytherins, and not all Muggle-borns. If anything, witches and wizards of all heritages should have worked together to oppose violence instead of promoting it. How were they any better than Death Eaters if they were also spreading mindless hate, and attacking people based on something as ludicrous as the house they were sorted in? It was insane, and scary.

And yet somehow, this did not surprise her at all. As long as she had known the world of magic, she had seen people diving each other into _us_ and _them_, and learning to hate each other on the basis of the smallest differences between groups of people. It wasn't just adults who were doing this, but little children as well. The sorting tradition of Hogwarts encouraged every witch and wizard of Britain to compete with each other so that they all looked upon each other as enemies. Unity and harmony were foreign concepts to this society; not once had she met a person who was trying to act as a peacemaker and build bridges between the two sides. That was why her and Severus's friendship had always been an issue. They had been rebelling against something so much bigger than themselves.

What was she fighting for, if these were the people she intended to protect? Even if she somehow managed to help defeating Voldemort, could she really make a difference? There would still be blood, injustice, and witch hunts. Only the sides would be reserved - it would be Gryffindors hunting Slytherins, or Muggle-borns hunting pure-bloods. These people had hatred in their hearts, and they didn't even want to purge themselves of it.

She left James's house early, long before the funeral ended. Never before had she felt more like an outcast to this world, never so alone and utterly powerless. She refused to be on anyone's side

anymore, except on Severus's, and she didn't even know where he was.

She was just about to go around the corner and take off when she heard someone crying. Looking around herself, she saw Peter Pettigrew leaning against the wall not far from her. It looked like he was in the middle of a mental breakdown; he was sobbing and panting hysterically, looking horribly scared and anxious as though the sky above was just about to come crashing down on him.

"Peter?" she said, surprised, walking over to him, "What's going on? Is everything alright?"

"I can't... I can't breathe," he sputtered out.

"Just calm down," said Lily, taking him by the hand, "Take a deep breath, and come with me. Let's go back inside. I'll fix you a cup of tea."

"No!" shouted Peter, giving her the most frightened look, "I don't want to go there anymore! I don't want to... I have to get out of here!"

Lily weighed her words for a moment, thinking about whether it was wise to be around Peter, knowing that he had the potential to betray her, but she quickly came to the conclusion that it was wiser to keep Peter close than to give him a reason to seek acceptance from Voldemort.

"Very well," she said, "How about we go and have that cup of tea somewhere else?"

* * *

Fifteen minutes later Lily was sitting in a Muggle café with her would-be Judas, drinking hot jasmine tea so calmly that she surprised herself. Somehow, she still could not bring herself to feel anything but pity when she looked at Peter. Granted, she felt some resentment towards him, but most of all she felt sorry for him – especially now when he was visibly so scared he could barely even drink his tea. He looked positively ill, twitching and sweating even more than usual.

Still, he was already much better than earlier. His panic attack seemed to be over, and he was able to control himself again, although he still looked frightened to death.

"Would you like to tell me what's happened?" asked Lily. Peter shrugged vaguely, keeping his eyes firmly on his teacup.

"'S nothing..." he mumbled, "I just... got very emotional."

"Because of Sirius?"

He nodded.

"There's nothing bad about that," said Lily, "Nothing to be ashamed of. He _was_ your friend, after all."

Peter gave snort, and there was something very bitter about the way he did it, so she was keen to learn more.

"What do you mean by getting emotional?" she asked as kindly as could.

Peter gave another shrug, stirring his tea defensively with a small spoon. "I just... felt sick. I saw him run into the Department of Mysteries, and then he was gone. It could've been me. If I had been a little bit closer, I could have died, or lost my legs like Remus... and I don't want to die."

His hands were shaking.

"That's what happens in a battlefield," said Lily, "Death can come in a second. That's what we all signed in for when we joined the Order."

"Yes, but I never wanted to be in the stupid Order!" snapped Peter, raising his voice a little bit. He looked her in the eyes for the first time since the beginning of their conversation.

"Really?" replied Lily, keeping her voice nice and soft, "What made you join?"

"Now what, who. James and Sirius," he said resentfully, "They said that I had to join, that it was going to be great, but I never wanted to fight. There's too few of us, and so many of them! We're all going to die!"

Another wave of panic was about to take him over, but Lily grabbed his hand and looked him firmly in the eyes. "You're not going to die," said she, "And you don't have to fight if you don't want to. You can leave the Order today if you want to."

Peter shook his head, and he looked like he was stifling a tearful howl.

"I can't," he said, "I'm with them, or I'm alone. If I leave, they'll all abandon me, and then I'll die for sure when You-Know-Who takes over. There's no escape."

Lily stared at him and raised her eyebrows as she suddenly got a feeling that she understood Peter a little bit more than before.

She realized that she had not changed her mind about Peter since the argument she and Severus had had about him. She still thought that Peter deserved help and guidance more than he deserved a punishment. What Peter_ would _do was unforgivable, but he had not been born to betray his friends. Something along the line had changed him, and it was very possible that something was yet to happen. She was quite sure that Peter hadn't become a Death Eater just yet.

Peter wasn't bad to the bone; he was just a scared, insecure little boy in a grown man's body whose priority had always been survival at any cost. She also knew that he had no ideological interest in supporting pure-blood dominance, although he would be willing to act like he did in exchange for protection.

Peter also lacked a mind of his own, and could therefore be influenced, manipulated, and pressured to do all sorts of things. He was clearly slavishly dependant on the will of James, just like later in life he would a willing slave for Voldemort. His urge to follow others instead of making his own way was so strong that he had joined the Order against his will just because his friends had told him to. Lily wasn't sure whether he was simply attracted to people who were much stronger than him, or if sticking to the biggest bully of the playground was his way of protecting himself. She also wondered whether he had gone to Voldemort on his own, or whether Voldemort himself had realized that he was the weakest link of her and James's inner circle.

Either way, she was certain that the nervous young man sitting in front of her was not the same man who would come to betray his friends. There was a huge step between this Peter and the Death Eater he would be, and he was yet to take it. This Peter might have been a lot of bad things, but he was not a murderer.

He was on the verge of taking the last step, though. She could see it. He was one little push away from taking a whole new turn in his life – one tiny little move away from turning his back to his former friends, and bowing to a new master. Voldemort only needed to throw his web and reel him in. All he needed was a persuasive authority figure whispering a few soothing words and promises of protection and glory, and he was ready to sell his soul to the highest bidder.

But he was not quite there yet. Close, but not quite there.

"Why don't you just leave, then?" she finally asked, "You wouldn't be the first person to flee the country because of the war. Go to Australia, South-America, or Asia. There are places on earth where wizards are not killing each other."

Peter glanced at her cautiously. She could see that he was tempted by the offer.

"I can't go anywhere. Only filthy cowards flee the country, and that true Gryffindors stand and fight."

"Really? Says who?"

"James does."

Lily sighed.

"Peter, why do you always have to do what others tell you to do? James is not your mother, and even if he was, you shouldn't let him keep you from making your own decisions. You're a grown man. If you want to go, then go."

"But he'll hate me," he whimpered, "They'll all hate me. James will tell everyone that I'm a coward and a traitor if I leave."

"He's not much of a friend, then, is he?"

Peter looked down at his teacup again, and said nothing. Lily finished her tea and got up her chair.

"Look, if you really need somebody's permission to leave, then have mine: go abroad, I have a feeling that leaving the country is going to get a lot more difficult in a few months, so I suggest you leave now. Not everyone needs to be a soldier. You can have my word that I'll never call you a coward. If you listen to your heart and leave, I might even call you a hero."

She pecked a kiss on his cheek, which made him twitch.

"Take care of yourself, Peter, and remember that you can write me anytime," she said before walking away. She was acting calm, but inside her mind she was chanting, _go, go, go. _Having Peter out of the way would save many lives, including his. She hoped that he would take her advice and leave, or at least trust her enough to write her when he needed someone to talk to so that she could keep him stay away from Voldemort.

Some months later Lily found out that Peter had indeed left the country only a few weeks after their chat. He had written to his uncle Algernon, who lived in India and taught Transfiguration at a local school. The next time Lily heard of Peter he was living in India as his uncle's apprentice, and he was on his way to become a Professor himself. It was just as Lily had expected; he had only needed a little push in the right direction.

But Lily didn't know this that day when she walked out of the café towards her stormy future. She felt like the world was crumbling into pieces behind her back, and that the only way for her to keep herself from going down with it was to keep looking firmly in the horizon – to keep on fighting, to keep on hoping. This time, she could not turn back and do it all again, for the archway lied now buried beneath the ruins of the Department of Mysteries. This time, she only had one chance to set things right.

"I _will_ change the world again," she told herself, "I _will _make a difference."

_But, first things first. _


	32. Reunion

Privet Drive looked precisely like the kind of idyllic nightmare Lily had expected it to be. Both sides of the street were lined with identical little houses, all inhabited by identical little middle-class families who were pretending to be upper middle-class by living just a dash larger than they could actually afford to.

It was winter now – the ugliest time of the month, for it hadn't snowed in days, and the ground had turned muddy with footsteps and tire tracks – but she could already imagine how the place would look like in the summer; lush gardens, poppies, well-kept lawns and well-dressed children playing in the street, wealthy fathers washing their expensive cars. This was exactly the kind of place where covers of a gardening magazines and adverts for washing powder were shot.

Lily couldn't have felt more like a creepy stranger in this neighbourhood, and it was not only because she was a witch. Still, she knew that no place on earth would have made a better home for Petunia.

Petunia had gotten married to Vernon Dursley in early September, and subsequently moved into this rather posh street in the better part of Surrey. Vernon was almost twice her age – and size, for that matter – and although he wasn't exactly rich, he did make enough money to support a housewife. Petunia had quit her job as a secretary immediately and become a full-time homemaker, just like she had always wanted.

As far as Lily was concerned, Vernon was a pompous and a rude man with highly conservative values and opinions. He patronized Lily and made no effort to conceal his honest opinion of her – he thought she was fishy, disrespectful, and crude – and Lily didn't even want to know what he would think of her if he ever found out that she was a witch. She had only met him once or twice before the wedding, but that had been more than enough for them to start disliking each other intensively.

As for Petunia, Lily wasn't sure whether she even knew her older sister anymore. Although bickering and constant disagreements had always been a part of their relationship, they had been inseparable as children. There had once been a time in their lives when they had shared everything they had and knew. All had changed when Severus had entered Lily's life and taken Petunia's place as her confidant. The gap between the sisters had grown even wider when Lily had gone to Hogwarts and come back only to discover that her dear sister had turned into a disgruntled teen, who would only speak to her when she had something snide and insulting to say.

Petunia had been the only member in her family who never asked her about magic and Hogwarts, and soon she had stopped telling Lily about her own life as well. She wouldn't have known the first thing about Petunia's life, had their mother not filled her in on the latest news. It hadn't taken long until they had become complete strangers to each other. They had not written each other when Lily was away, and during holidays Lily had spent most of her time with Severus, while Petunia had simply kept out of her way and minded her own business, as if the only thing they had in common was the fact that they used the same bathroom.

The only time Lily remembered having talked to her sister without ending up having a bitter row with her had been the summer after her fight with Severus. Petunia had asked her why she was spending time home instead of roaming uncharted lands with Severus, and Lily had been forced to inform her that she and Severus were no longer friends. Instead of mocking Lily, Petunia had surprisingly taken her side and told her to forget about him in a clumsily supportive way. For a moment, Lily had hoped to reconcile with her, but the summer had ended so quickly, and soon Lily had found herself aboard the Hogwarts Express again, and her plan to revive their sisterly bond had fallen into oblivion.

All this and much more was going through Lily's mind when she rang the doorbell of the Dursley residence on a brisk day at noon in late February. All things considered, she had only one reason to expect any help from her – the fact that Petunia had offered her a touch of sympathy on a moment of emotional distress years ago. Nevertheless, she was short of good ideas, and had to cling on to every flicker of hope she saw.

Luckily, Petunia was home, and even better, she was alone. She opened the door with a smile on her face, but her smile melted into a sneer the moment she realized who was standing in front of her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. If Lily hadn't already seen the phrase "go away" written on her face, she could certainly hear it in the tone of her voice.

"I'm pregnant, alone, and homeless, and I need your help," said Lily. She thought it was best if she got to state her purpose of visit before Petunia would slam the door in her face.

"What?" asked Petunia in a high-pitched voice, turning several shades paler before Lily's eyes.

"I'm pregnant, alone, and homeless, and I need your help," repeated she with clear articulation, "Would you like me to say it one more time? I'm sure some of your neighbours didn't hear me the first or the second time."

"You, pfft!" said Petunia in a blaze of rage, suppressing a very naughty word. "Inside, now!" she hissed.

Lily bowed her head courteously and stepped in while Petunia took a quick peek outside to see if the neighbours had heard (there weren't – Lily had checked that the street was clear before ringing the doorbell, just in case she was being followed).

Standing in the hall with her very angry sister, Lily noted that Petunia's belly had grown remarkably since the last time they had seen each other.

"So," she said, giving a meaningful glance at Petunia's midriff, "I see you've got one, too."

Petunia gave her a freezing look, "Yes, I do. Now will you please explain why you've come here, and what will it take for me to convince you to leave?"

"Well, I'm pregnant, alone -"

"Yes, yes, yes! I heard you, alright!" Petunia snapped, "But what has this got to do with me? Is it money you're after? Because I haven't got much of my own, and even if I had I wouldn't just give it to you, even if it meant getting rid of you for good!"

The look on Lily's face darkened. "Is that what you think of me?" she asked, "That I'd just come here to leech off your moderate wealth? Thanks a lot, Tuney. Silly of me to think that you'd care. Remind me not to even open the door if you ever come to me in need."

"Wait," said Petunia when Lily reached for the door. She paused, took a deep breath, and then gave Lily a calm but sharp look, "Go on, tell me then. What has happened?"

"I've broken up with James, and I'm expecting", said Lily uneasily, dropping her chin, for she didn't want to see the gleam of malice in Petunia's eyes. Petunia had never liked James, and often rejoiced when things were looking bad for Lily, so this must have been a moment of triumph for her.

A chilling silence landed between them. Lily waited patiently for Petunia to utter the next words, and wondered what she might have been thinking. Was she glad that Lily wasn't doing well? Would her reply be "I told you so", for Petunia had always made it very clear that she hoped that one day Lily would fail at something?

"Well," said Petunia eventually, "I'm sorry to hear that."

_Sorry_. The last word Lily had expected to hear. "Thanks," she replied with a shy smile, though she wasn't quite sure whether Petunia was being snide or sincere. Either way, her response made Petunia look rather confused. She twisted the kitchen towel she was holding to ease her awkwardness and let out a series of dramatic sighs, which implied that she was still struggling with a strong desire to kick Lily out of her house.

"Would you – like a cup of tea, perhaps?" she asked. Her voice was tense, but polite.

Lily nodded,"That would be nice."

Petunia fixed her a cup of herbal tea, and the two of them sat down in the cleanest, frilliest, and the most organized kitchen Lily had ever seen. Petunia had obviously chosen the decor, for there were pastel tones, ruffle-covered fabrics, and floral patterns everywhere. None of it exactly suited Lily's taste, but the whole look of the place brought a smile on her face anyways. Petunia had clearly discovered a place where she belonged.

"You have a lovely kitchen," she said, making Petunia beam with pride.

"Thank you," she said with a radiant smile, looking so much different than what she had looked like at the door, "Vernon was sweet enough to allow me to do whatever I wanted with it. He said that while he might be the head of the family, _I'm_ the mistress of this house. He earns our living, and I take care of our home, just like a real wife should."

Lily brought the teacup to her lips to hide the cringe she was about to make. She simply couldn't believe how Petunia could actually enjoy being the old-fashioned housewife of a repulsive idiot like Vernon Dursley. _Vernon is so backwards they should have put him on display at the British Museum_, she thought, and almost said it out loud, but for once her mind beat her to her tongue. The last thing she wanted now was to anger Petunia with a needless insult. Besides, she wasn't exactly the right person to judge them, having spent the past few years of her life living off James's money and acting like his nanny. Petunia and Vernon's marriage was no less ridiculous than her relationship with James.

"That's nice," she said instead, and kept her true thoughts to herself.

There came an awkward pause. Lily was not in the mood for light conversation when there were obviously much more important things to talk about, but she wasn't quite sure how to say what she had to say. Luckily – and unexpectedly – Petunia became the first one to bring up the subject.

"So," she began, crossing her hands on the table, "How did this come about?"

"Well, it wasn't exactly planned, if that's what you mean."

"Was it... that rude boy?"

"James? Yes, he's the father."

"And what did he say about this?"

Lily took a deep breath._ Here it comes_, she thought. _The big, fat lie._

"He doesn't want it," said Lily, "He said he's not ready to be a father, so we, hmm, decided to end it. I've moved out of his house."

And there it was. This little piece of untruth was now a part of the universe. She felt so ashamed, but she only did what she had to do. She couldn't tell Petunia the real reason she had left James, and thus revealing that James did not actually know about the pregnancy was also out of the question. Because of this, she had been forced to make up a story about him not wanting the baby.

Petunia's eyes had widened, and she looked like she was on the verge of a fit. Lily expected her to yell at her, but when Petunia finally opened her mouth, she said something Lily had thought she would never hear:

"He did _what_? Oh, that deceitful, awful rat! I knew he was trouble the moment I saw him, but I would never thought him to be so utterly rotten!To abandon his own unborn child! I can't believe it! Lily, you are so much better off without him. Never see him again!"

Lily's jaw dropped, and for a moment she was totally speechless. Petunia was now defending her?

"It's fine, really," she replied, startled, "He has the right to not want this. He didn't choose this, either."

"No, it isn't fine! If he really was a proper man, he would know his responsibility and marry you!"

"But I don't want to marry him," said Lily, "Thanks for caring, Pet, but this really is for the best for all of us."

"What – having a child out of wedlock? At your age? What will people say? How will the child turn out?"

Lily rolled her eyes.

"For goodness sake, Tuney! I'm not the first unmarried woman to give birth!" Lily cried out, "You're a few decades behind your time with that blast of moral outrage. And say what you say, but James and I are not going to raise this child together. That's just how it's going to be, and neither of us can do anything about it."

Petunia placed her hands on her belly, and sighed. She was already much bigger than Lily. Her baby would be born first.

"I just can't believe how someone could do such an awful thing to his own child!" she snorted, stroking her bump tenderly.

Again, a wave of guilt shook Lily's guts. James sure could be accused of all sorts of nasty things, but she was positive that he wasn't the type to abandon his own child. She felt bad about telling such an ugly lie about him, but she also knew that her cause justified her means. Staining James's reputation's was a smaller evil next to protecting Harry. Besides, Petunia's bad opinion of James had hardly any significance, for it was unlikely that she and James were ever to meet again now that Lily and he were no longer together.

"Like I said, I didn't come here for your money," said Lily, steering the conversation back to its original tracks, "But I am asking for your help. I've got nowhere to go now that I've left James, and I can't afford a place of my own just yet. I was wondering... Could I stay here for a few weeks, just for as long as it takes for me to get back on my feet?"

Petunia's eyes widened in horror. "Here?" she squeaked, "Here with Vernon and me? In Privet Drive? Lily, I hope you understand that this is a very,_ very_ fine street. Vernon and I have worked very hard to earn the respect and friendship of our dear neighbours. We – we can't just have all sorts of people running about here."

The little spark of hope in Lily's heart died out instantly, but she masked her disappointment with an overly bright smile. Although both Petunia's phrasing and the ideology behind her words were grossly insensitive, Lily couldn't be angry with her. She knew that she was asking too much of Petunia. She couldn't just walk back into her sister's life after many years of enstrangement and demand charity.

"I was expecting you to say something like that," said Lily, "This doesn't look the sort of place where troubled, pregnant, unmarried sisters are regarded with kindness and understandment."

"No! I mean yes, that as well. But I was really talking about..."

"...Witches?"

Petunia winced.

"Vernon doesn't know."

"Yes, I'm aware of that. I wasn't planning on flying around on a broomstick all day long, if that's what you were thinking."

"That's beside the point!" Petunia snapped, "Look, I finally have a perfectly normal life. _Perfectly normal_. I can't let that all get ruined by letting something unnatural into my house. When I married Vernon, I thought I would never have to hear about such things again."

"_Something unnatural?_" Lily repeated, cocking her eyebrow. The pair of words left a sour aftertaste in her mouth. Saddened, she closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them up again her gaze had become cold and hard.

"I take that you're referring to me," she continued, "The good old freak. I'd almost forgotten that you used to call me that."

_And it still hurts_, she added in her thoughts.

All the sympathy and good will had now been sucked out of the room. Tears of rage were gathering up in the corners of Lily's eyes, but she quickly realized that she was more sad than angry – sad because the old grudges between them turned out to be still alive and well, sad because her hopes of regaining Petunia as her sister had been destroyed as quickly as they had been raised, sad because the only relative she had left still rejected her for what she was.

"I never wanted to be a part of that world. I never even wanted to know about it," Petunia grumbled, avoiding Lily's eyes, "Do you think I enjoyed being the sister of a witch?"

"Do you think I enjoyed being called a freak? I was always a freak, or a Mudblood."

"_Mudblood_? What does that mean?"

"It means that I never belonged anywhere!" yelled Lily, "Some people at Hogwarts called me a Mudblood because I was born into a Muggle family, and I hated it. I acted like I didn't care, but I did, even though my friends accepted me, and even though I didn't give a damn about those stupid boys who were calling me names. I desperately wanted to be accepted as a witch, because I could never fit in among Muggles. You made sure that I never was."

Petunia was quiet. Her eyes were closed, and the expression on her face reminded Lily very much of the fifteen-year-old Petunia. Sour as a grapefruit, tough as a brick wall. This was the first time Lily was opening up about the many years of pain and sorrow Petunia's hateful words and lack of compassion had give her, and Petunia seemed as unshaken and unsympathetic as ever. Now Lily was sure that coming here had been a mistake.

"And I don't think that I would have been half as upset about being called a Mudblood if I had known that at least my family accepted me as I was, but _no_. I was a freak here, and I was freak there. You were acting like I had chosen to become a witch just to spite you, and back at Hogwarts..."

"Oh shut up, you spoiled little princess!" Petunia cried out all of a sudden, "Don't you date pretend that you were neglected as a child. You were everything but neglected!"

Stunned, Lily forgot what she had been about to say. Petunia's face was glowing pink with rage, and she was glaring at Lily so furiously that she reminded her of an angrered bull. Soon, however, she took a deep breath, and stood up calmly. She reached for a jar on the window sill, opened it up, and took out a cigarette, which she brought close to her nose to breathe in its scent.

"I don't think you're supposed to smoke when you're pregnant," said Lily.

"I know," replied Petunia mockingly, making a face, "I just like to hold it between my fingers. It relaxes me a little bit. I could kill for a cigarette right now."

"Since when have you smoked?" asked Lily, frowning.

"Since I was fourteen," Petunia replied smugly, "Mrs. Kohut had such beautiful hands, and she looked so elegant with a cigarette between her long fingers. I wanted to be more like her, so I started smoking as well."

"Who's Miss Kohut?"

"My piano teacher," said Petunia, "She always said that I had the perfect fingers for a pianist, just like her."

She extended her long fingers and admired them for a moment with a smile on her face, but the smile died quickly on her lips, and she let out of a melancholic sigh.

Lily had never even heard of a Miss Kohut, but then again she knew very little about Petunia's private life beyond their childhood years, for Petunia had never willingly spoken about her business to Lily. Lily had vague recollections of seeing the teenage Petunia leaving the house with a stack of sheet music under her arm, and she did indeed remember their mother mentioning that Petunia had started taking piano lessons, but this was where her knowledge of the subject ended. She was glad that Petunia decided to continue without a follow-up question, for Lily felt embarrassed to admit that she had never even heard her sister play.

"I decided that I wanted to be a pianist when I was eleven, you see. I took lessons with Miss Kohut twice a week, and she told me that I was very talented. I used to practice on my own at Mrs. Hudson from across the street. She kindly let me use her piano, but when she moved away I had nowhere to rehearse. I begged father for an instrument of my own, but he said we couldn't afford one, so I simply had to quit. One doesn't become a grand pianist without enough practice."

There was venom in Petunia's voice, and Lily would soon find out why:

"Funny that his pockets always seemed to be a lot fuller when you came around asking for more money for spell books, quills, and new cauldrons. You were the special one, so of course you always got everything you wanted. Sometimes, when I asked Mum and Dad why you got new tailor-made school robes every year and I never got the one thing_ I_ truly needed, they told me that you needed extra attention because you were different."

"I didn't know that. I didn't even know that you were that passionate about playing," said Lily, confused. Petunia gave a cynical snort.

"Did you know that I was on the top of my class when I was fourteen?" she asked, "Perfect marks, flawless behaviour. There wasn't a teacher at my school who didn't have something nice to say about me, but mother and father didn't care. The next year my marks dropped. That as well seemed irrelevant to our dear parents next to your achievements. They were hardly concerned about my smoking, too, even though I got caught many times. What was a good or a bad report card next to magical powers? I could never compete against your tricks. I suppose I just wasn't special enough for them, not next to you."

"Petunia, I..."

"I'm sure that you just love playing the victim here, but the next time you feel like pitying yourself, try to imagine what it feels like to be invisible, unimportant, and completely irrelevant. You may have been a freak, but at least you were loved. Mum and Dad never cared about me nearly as much as they cared about you."

Finally, Petunia sat down and exhaled, looking incredibly relieved. It seemed like she had just spat out something she had been chewing on for years.

"Petunia, I'm sorry," said Lily, "I never knew how you felt You never told me about any of this."

"Well, you never cared."

"That's not true!" Lily cried out, "I tried to be your sister, but you were the one who started treating me like garbage ever since I found out that I was a witch. Every time I tried to talk to you, you just pushed me away. You called me a freak, freak, freak, and made it very clear that you loathed my guts. Maybe that's all the same to you, but it really hurt me, because I never wanted to lose you."

"All you talked about was magic, and Hogwarts, and wizards!" Petunia shouted, "What did I care of any of those things, since I was just the ordinary, boring _Muggle _who couldn't do anything special!"

"You're saying it as if I chose to be a witch! Well, I didn't, and sometimes I really do wish I wasn't one. My life isn't as spectacular as you seem to assume. There's war, and death, and battles everywhere I turn, and I always end up fucking things up for everyone I love. You have a peaceful life, a beautiful home, and a family of your own. Please remark that your situation is now considerably better than mine, especially if you consider not getting your own piano to be the greatest misfortune of your life."

Petunia was swallowing tears.

"All I wanted was to be special," she said, and her voice cracked, "Even for a little while."

"And all I wanted was to be ordinary," Lily replied, "And you were special to Mum and Dad, Tuney. Maybe they did give me a little bit more attention, but that was only because they could tell how hard it was for me to enter that strange world all alone. I'm sorry if you felt neglected, but you can't say that Mum and Dad didn't love you. Mum was always so proud of you when she talked about you in her letters."

Petunia was staring out of the window, absent-minded. When she failed to deliver the next contribution to their conversation, Lily decided to speak again.

"Listen, Tuney... I want to apologize for the way I've been acting. Actually, I want to apologize for the past ten years. Things haven't actually been peachy between us since I found out what I was, but I'd hate to see it stay this way forever. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry we're no longer as close as we used to be. I wish we hadn't drifted apart, because I really do miss you. You already have a family of your own, but to me you're all the family I have left. I don't want us to become strangers to each other. I wish we could be sisters again, even if you do see me as a plain freak."

"I don't. I'm sorry I called you that," said Petunia. Lily smiled, and she decided to settle with that. She glanced at the clock and realized that they had been talking for almost an hour. It was afternoon, and Vernon was probably already on his way home. Lily thought it was best for her to leave before he arrived.

"It's getting late," she said, carrying her unfinished tea to the sink, "I should go."

"Where?" asked Petunia. Lily shrugged.

"I'll figure out something."

"Well, you can't just leave if you don't have anywhere to go."

"So I can stay here?" asked Lily, raising her brow, surprised.

Petunia folded her arms. "I'll have to ask Vernon first, but yes. At least for tonight. It wouldn't be very charitable of me to deny a homeless pregnant woman a place to spend the night, would it?"

"Thank you," said Lily, and smiled at her cautiously.

Another moment of silence filled the room, and the air between them seemed suddenly much clearer.

"Petunia," Lily began very seriously, "I've only told James and you that I'm expecting. I don't want anyone else to know."

"Oh, yes, of course!" said Petunia, "I understand perfectly."

She didn't. Petunia obviously assumed that Lily wanted to keep her pregnancy a secret because she was embarrassed, which was not the truth. But Lily didn't care what Petunia thought, as long as she agreed to keep quiet about it.

"What are you going to do with it, Lily?"

"What I must."

She gazed out of the window because she didn't want to look Petunia in the eyes. It had started to snow.


	33. Lily's Sacrifice

Dr. Turner was a particularly ordinary-looking middle-aged man; sandy-haired, average weight and height, smartly dressed. He was well-mannered and well-spoken, and his bright eyes looked kind. This was Lily's first impression of the man when she sat down in front of him on that bright April morning, when her belly had already grown so large that even sitting had become rather uncomfortable.

She realized that a part of her had hoped to find something suspicious or unsettling about him so that she would have an excuse to cancel the whole deal, and that this part of her was now very disappointed. This was, of course, an irrational reaction, and Lily knew that she would have to ignore it. She _was_ relieved to find him so agreeable, because she _had_ to go through with this whether she liked it or not.

They were having a formally casual conversation about mundane things like the first flowers of spring, and Easter, and the recent changes in the weather, which all seemed like unnecessary padding when they both knew what they should have actually been talking about, which was of course the baby. They were both overly sensitive and overly polite towards one another, careful not to upset the other in the slightest, as if they were treading on shreds of glass. Lily was still horribly nervous, but then again she couldn't have possibly been relaxed in her position.

While Lily was answering his question about whether it had been easy for her to find his house in the maze-like neighbourhood, she let her eyes wander around the room, making little observations and trying to assure herself that she had come to the right people.

She remarked that Dr. Turner had an impressive book collection. There was a variety of novels and other books in the large bookshelves to her left. That was good; he seemed to be a well-read man. She had also seen a happy little dog and two beautiful cats in the hall, which was also a good sign. Caring for animals suggested that he had a loving heart.

She also liked the location and the look of the house. The neighbourhood was lovely and peaceful, and there was a well-tended, beautiful garden in front of the spacious house. His home looked like an idyllic place to raise a child.

When Dr. Turner's wife Cecilia – a plump, friendly-looking forty-year-old also called Dr. Turner, for she was a pediatrician just like her husband – entered the room carrying a tray of tea and biscuits, they could finally start talking about Harry.

"Well, Beatrice," said Dr. Robert Turner to Lily, "Is there anything you'd like to ask? We're both happy to answer any of your questions."

They sat next to each other on the sofa, holding hands, and smiling nervously. Lily liked the way Mrs. Turner squeezed her husband's hand when he started talking.

She already knew the basics from the documents she had carefully read before contacting the couple. She knew that they were both doctors who lived here in this lovely neighbourhood in Kent, and that they had been married for over ten years, but had no children of their own because they were unable to conceive. She knew where they had been educated, how much money they both made, what they did on their spare time, how big their house was, how much experience they both had with children, and that neither of them had a criminal record. And that they were Muggles, of course.

On paper, they seemed like the perfect couple. They appeared to be intelligent, charitable, loving, compassionate people who would be the ideal parents for a child, and meeting them had only reinforced this impression. Still, it ached her to think that someone other than her was going to be the mother of her child. It was an senseless but an understandable reaction, for she had already grown to love the unborn Harry more than anyone else in the world. A primal maternal instict within her urged her to hold on to her offspring, but her sense told her to let him go. When she thought about it rationally, she knew that this was the best solution for Harry, even if it was tearing her apart.

Lily had lied about almost everything – about her name, about her and age, and about the fact that she was a witch. As far as the Turners knew, she was the eighteen-year-old Beatrice Flowers, a poor little girl from a perfectly ordinary Muggle family, who had decided to give up her child because she deemed herself unfit to become a mother because of her age. With the help of magic, she had carefully forged all of the documents and other papers the Turners had been presented, and she was quite certain that they suspected nothing.

"Which one of you reads?" she asked, nodding at the bookcase she had noticed earlier.

"We both do," said Mrs. Turner, smiling nervously, "We have a similar taste in literature. Austen, Woolf, Flaubert, Hugo... I have a humble collection of first editions."

"Are you planning on reading something to him?" Lily asked, "I thought that it would be nice if he grew up hearing stories. My mother used to read to me, so..."

She stopped when she suddenly realized that the looks the Turners' faces were becoming more and more anxious.

"I'm sorry," she said awkwardly, "It's none of my business."

"No, no, we don't mind you asking." said Mr. Turner. His wife was squeezing his hand again. "We were just wondering... Are you absolutely sure about this? We've been told that a lot of women change their minds about adoption when..."

"That won't be the case!" Lily insisted, "I am going to adopt this child. I'm absolutely sure about it. You can have my word. I simply can't raise him on my own."

"Are you sure? You seem well-adjusted and..."

"No. I really can't," said Lily firmly, "Thank you, but I know what I'm doing. This child deserves a good home and loving parents, and right now I can't provide him with..."

She couldn't finish her sentence because her voice cracked, and the tears she had been holding back began to surface. _Merlin, this is even harder than I thought_.

Mrs. Turner also began to cry. She reached for Lily's hands and took them in hers.

"Beatrice, I've wanted a child ever since I can remember, but I could never take a child away from its loving mother!" she cried out, "I could never live with myself if I knew that you're going to regret this decision for the rest of your life."

"No, please. I know that this is the only choice," said Lily, drying her tears on a napkin, "I do want to keep my child, but I know that I couldn't give him the kind of happy, full life I want him to have. It's my responsibility to give Harry up so that he can have all those things I can never give him."

Mrs. Turner stared at her, confused, "Harry?"

"I'm sorry," Lily replied, bringing her hands to her mouth as she realized that she had accidentally called her child by the name he was supposed to have, in that other future. "I shouldn't have named him," she said apologetically.

Mr. and Mrs. Turner exchanged glances.

"If you really are sure about this," Mr. Turner began, "- I can assure you that you cannot find a couple more committed to parenthood than we are. We want to become parents more than anything in the world, and I promise you that in our care _Harry,_" here, he gave a meaningful nod to his wife, and to Lily, "- will be the most loved child in the world."

"I know," said Lily, sobering up. She tried not to cry anymore so that the Turners wouldn't back out fearing that she might eventually change her mind. As far as she was concerned, they seemed like the perfect parents-to-be, and only perfect was enough for Harry.

She had only fuzzy recollections of the rest of that day. She had spent the rest of the afternoon signing papers and touring around the Turner residence – they had insisted on showing her the nursery and the toys they had gotten for their future child to convince her that they were going to take good care of Harry – before she had bid the couple farewell. They had agreed never to meet again, although the Turners had been kind enough to offer her the possibility of sending her photographs of Harry and even meeting up with her every now and then. She had politely turned down their offers, asking them not to contact her after the birth. The further away Harry was from her, the safer he was.

"But if he wants to meet me when he's all grown up," she had said, "- you may let him find me."

And then Petunia and Vernon had driven her home. She had wept all the way to Privet Drive, feeling as though she had already left Harry behind.

* * *

Lily ended up spending more than seven months with the Dursleys. Naturally, Vernon had been thoroughly reluctant about taking Lily in, but – much to Lily's surprise – Petunia had persuaded him to let her stay. It was eventually decided that Lily could stay in one of the spare rooms upstairs until she would find a decent job and an affordable place of her own. In return, Vernon demanded that Lily paid him rent and kept a low profile – which she gladly did, for she had not even considered the opposite.

Petunia told Vernon that Lily was expecting an unwanted child to a man she had already broken up with, but she continued to keep him in the dark about the fact that Lily was a witch. Lily agreed to pose as a Muggle as long as she lived under Petunia's roof so that neither Vernon nor any of their friends of neighbours would find out the truth. This was Petunia's request, and Lily respected it. She was so grateful for her sister's good will that she would have done anything for her in return.

Lily quickly landed a job at a local library, and two months of hard work later she had gathered herself enough money to stand on her own. However, when she had confronted Petunia about moving out, Petunia had gasped at the mere thought of it, and demanded that the very pregnant Lily stayed with her until she had given birth.

"You can't live alone while you're still pregnant!" Petunia had cried out, "What if you fall down and can't get up anymore?"

Lily had been tempted to quip that there was a difference between being pregnant and being a tortoise, but she had been so moved by Petunia's affectionate concern that she had only smiled and thanked her.

Lily and Petunia were indeed growing closer. They would still bicker and argue every now and then, but their relationship had began to heal nevertheless. They shared the notion that their sisterly bond was something to be treasured, even if they were as different as the winter and the summer. Soon, they became as inseparable as they had been as children, and Lily felt sorry for the other Lily and the other Petunia in that future that never was. That other Lily and that other Petunia had never had the chance to mend their broken relationship, and now Lily knew just how big their loss had been.

Vernon tolerated Lily surprisingly well. Though initially highly reluctant to have her under his roof, he soon discovered a way to enjoy her general presence in the household once he had realized that her unplanned pregnancy gave him an excellent opportunity to bask in moral superiority. Nothing gave him more pleasure than reflecting woefully on Lily's unfortunate situation and treating her with his endless musings about the misguided youth. He liked to pose as the benefactor who had lifted Lily from the gutters and guided her toward the path of virtue – though he still insisted on telling their all of their neighbours that she was actually their German au pair called Ida, fearing that the Dursley name might suffer from being associated to such a dodgy character.

Only Lily's love, respect, and infinite gratitude for Petunia kept her from turning Vernon into a naked mole rat during her first two months with the Dursleys. The man was a twat, and she just couldn't get around how anyone could have found him even remotely appealing. Furthermore, everything about Privet Drive creeped her out. She hated how identical all the houses looked, how the unfriendly atmosphere was, how the the idle housewives sat by their kitchen windows all day long spying on one another, and how the neighbours looked at her down their noses as if she was nothing but a strange weed growing in their perfect little garden.

But Petunia loved this place. Her home at Privet Drive was her safety haven, and she had an eye for the kind of beauty it represented. Lily could definitely see that her sister couldn't have been happier; where the Petunia Lily knew in her childhood was a dour, wistful young girl who always looked like she would rather be anywhere else than where she was, the newlywed Petunia Dursley was a satisfied, proud mother-to-be who fit in perfectly her pastel-hued home. While Lily couldn't picture herself wearing one of Petunia's flowery frocks and living with Vernon side in this leafy suburbia, she did love the bright smile on Petunia's face. Because of that smile alone, she began to love Privet Drive and Vernon Dursley as well. Or to tolerate them, at the very least.

When Petunia and Vernon's son Dudley was born, Lily was just as overjoiced as the parents themselves. She loved her first and only nephew as insanely as only a proud aunt could, and gladly helped her sister take take of the screaming little newborn whenever she needed a hand. Still, even though Lily was sincerely happy for Petunia, she felt how shadow of envy grazed her heart whenever she saw Petunia lulling little Dudley into sleep. When she looked at Dudley, she couldn't help but think about her own child, who would never fall asleep in her arms.

Lily was purposefully avoiding the magical parts of Britain while she was pregnant. It was crucial that no-one in the magical world knew about her pregnancy, so she decided to remain in Muggle areas till Harry's birth. Still, she kept herself well informed on the course of the war by following all the papers, and by exchanging letters with her friend Marlene McKinnon (who, like everyone else, was under the impression that Lily had temporarily retired from the Order because she had been so devastated by Sirius's death). Marlene used code language to keep her updated on the latest affairs of the Order, but there was only so much she dared to write about in a letter.

Following Severus's example, Lily also started keeping a journal. She wrote down everything she heard, read, and saw, and combined it with everything she had learned from her voyage across time to keep herself a few steps ahead of the rest of the world. She drew charts and timelines, composed lists of important names and important dates, and studied her notes endlessly to memorize it all. Granted, she could no longer predict the near future with perfect accuracy because she had already meddled with the course of history, but all the information was nevertheless useful. The future was in her hands, and she would do whatever it took to make things better.

On July the 31th, Lily gave birth to a healthy baby boy who would eventually become known as Harry Julian Turner, the adoptive son of Robert and Cecilia Turner. Petunia held her hand through the birth, which was quick and more painful than Lily could have ever imagined.

"They say that it's better if you won't hold him at all," said Petunia right after the labour, "It might be easier to give him up if you didn't."

"No," said Lily, still catching her breath, "I need to see him."

She was given a moment alone with her son. When the nurse placed the incredibly light and incredibly small bundle in her arms, she couldn't help but burst into helpless tears. It was pink, ugly, and horribly scared, and Lily loved him more than anything in the world.

"Hello, Harry," she said, crying harder than the little baby, "Lovely to meet you at last."

Harry howled and twitched, and Lily suddenly found herself reflecting on how terribly shocking being born must have been – to come from somewhere nice and warm to a place like this! Hopefully, this was the most scared Harry would ever have to be in his life.

"I'm sorry that our first meeting has to be our last. You should know that I wouldn't give you up if this wasn't for the best. But if life treats you well, you won't even miss me. I have found wonderful parents for you. They will take good care of you. You'll be living in a beautiful home, and you'll have a dog, and cats, and lots of room to play..."

She broke into tears again, and she knew she had to say goodbye to him quickly, now that she still had the strength to give him up.

"I hope that you won't grow up thinking that I abandoned you, or that I didn't want you," she said, "Believe me, there's nothing I'd like more than to be your mother. But the thing is, sometimes what you want is less important than what someone you love needs. You, my little one, happen to deserve a peaceful life, and this is the only way I can give you one. It's my gift to you, Harry. I wish you could somehow remember that your mother did love you, always."

She didn't know what else to say, so she called for the nurse, and asked her to take the baby away. Exhausted, she dozed off, and spent the next three days doing little else but crying and sleeping. She left the hospital without seeing Harry again.

* * *

"Lily, are you sure that this is wise?"

Lily glanced up at the concerned Petunia, who was holding the screaming baby Dudley against her shoulder. Lily was kneeling down in the hall and putting on her old tennis shoes. Lily hadn't told her sister where she was going, but judging on the shoes, the sweatpants and the old t-shirt she was wearing, Petunia had clearly guessed that she was going out for a run.

"I'm fine," Lily replied, "I really feel like running right now. I haven't exercised in a long, long time."

"Yes, but it's only been two weeks since..."

"Really, I'm fine," said Lily with a forced smile, pulling her hair in a ponytail, "But thanks for looking after me, Tuney. I'll be back before sundown."

She headed out of the door, and didn't stop running until she had gotten far away from Privet Drive. She was in awful shape, and had to stop soon to catch her breath, and to dry her eyes. She had been crying so much in the past few weeks that she hardly even paid attention to the salty liquid pouring down her face. It had started to feel as natural as breathing.

She reckoned that she would have to start running every morning to get her old figure back. The pregnancy weight would have to go, and she really had to get into better physical shape if she wanted to be more than a burden in the battlefield. Her body would never look exactly the same again, of course, but that was irrelevant, as long as no-one would be able to tell that she had given birth.

Getting accustomed to not being pregnant anymore felt almost as disorienting as getting accustomed to pregnancy itself. Although she was generally feeling much better now, she missed the bump on her belly, and she missed Harry. Feeling him kicking and turning inside her had always made her feel a little bit less lonely, but that was all in the past now. Harry was gone, and Lily was just going to have to learn to live without him.

She kept running and walking until she finally reached a remote, empty playground, which looked like a suitable place to practice dueling. She casted a number of protection spells around herself, and then tried to hit a distant rock with a random hex. She missed it narrowly, and grunted a dirty word. She had never been good at hexes, and her aim was as off as ever. Her humble dueling skills had gotten shamefully rusty after so many months of Muggle life. That would have to change; Lily was determined to turn herself into a tough and able soldier, no matter how long it took her to kick herself into decent shape.

Technically, she did have ten, eleven years to reach her goal. If Voldemort was still around eleven years from now on, she would have to take him down personally. It sounded very arrogant, but she had to aim high in order to prepare herself for the worst.

Within the next eleven years, Harry's magical powers would surface, and he would receive an invitation to Hogwarts. After that, Harry's uncanny resemblance to both Lily and James simply couldn't go unnoticed, and his mysterious origins would raise too many questions. It was very likely that someone would connect the dots and realize that there was a link between him, Voldemort, and the prophecy. The sanctuary Lily had arranged for him was only a temporary one, for eleven years later he might find himself in grave danger after all.

But Lily would be ready. Harry could count on her on that. She would not raise him, but she was going to protect him as long as she lived. She was going to make herself as powerful as she could so that she would be able to defend him if it ever came down to it.

"Expecto Patronum!" she shouted, and a vaguely doe-like shape leaped out from the tip of her wand. The spell was imperfect, for it was very difficult for her to summon happy thoughts in her current state of mind.

Lily watched her silver doe prance around the playground, and realized how little it reflected the person she wanted to be. It was pretty, yes, but it simply would not do. She would have to become more than just the sacrificial lamb she had been if she really wanted to defeat the beasts she was up against. She had to become a lion, at the very least.

Lily wished that would have been a way to get rid of the cursed prophecy altogether, but it was already too late for that. According to Severus's journal, Sybill Trelawney had fallen into prophetic trance in late January, so she had just missed her chance to prevent it from ever reaching Dumbledore's ears. It was possible, of course, that such event had not even taken place in this reality due to her participation, but she couldn't be sure about that. She had to think about the worst.

She had originally considered going to Severus first, but chances were that he had already leaked the information to Voldemort, so it wouldn't have made any difference anyways. Even if she had gotten to him in time, Dumbledore would have still known about the prophecy, and Lily didn't trust him any more than she trusted Voldemort.

No, Lily had refused to take a risk by keeping Harry to herself, even though giving him up had nearly torn her heart apart. She had refused to subject him to the dangers of the war, or to Voldemort's cruelty, or to Dumbledore's games. The only way for her to truly protect him was to hide him in plain sight. Voldemort could not hunt down someone he didn't know even existed.

She doubted that she would have suffered more if she had lost an arm instead of her child, and soothed herself down by chanting,_ it's for the best, it's for the best, it's for the best_. What were her tears but pathetic tears of self-pity? She was the only one hurting here. Harry was absolutely fine – much better than how he would have been with her. He now had a home, two loving parents, and most of all a chance to grow up in a peace. He would spend his childhood surrounded by opportunities, love, and prosperity. Was that not what every mother would have wanted her child to have?

Then there was Neville Longbottom, the unfortunate son of Frank and Alice, and the other potential Chosen One. Lily had a plan for him as well, and she had already made her first move to save him. If everything went according to her plan, neither of the boys would have to worry about Voldemort. Hopefully, the Longbottoms wouldn't even have to suffer like she did.

But she was getting ahead of herself. Right now, she had to shed the weight, and to practise her dueling skills. She had to get rid of all the signs of pregnancy, like she had gotten rid of everything else that linked her to Harry. The medical records had been burned, and all the adoption papers bore a false name. The only people in her life who knew about the pregnancy were Petunia and Vernon, and they had both sworn to secrecy. One would have to dig deep to discover the connection between Lily Evans and young Harry Turner.

Still, every now and then she caught herself daydreaming about reuniting with Harry after the war. She imagined how she would knock on the Turners' door, scoop her little boy in her arms, and take him home. These were, of course, silly little fantasies, because she knew very well that she could never have Harry back. Even if the war ended tomorrow, she could not just go to the Turners and claim him, because Harry was no longer her son. She had lost him for good.

She took a look at the damn rock she had missed earlier, and tried to hex it again. This time, she successfully hit the target.

"There. Progress," she told herself, encouraged by her minimal triumph.

She thought about the person she had been back in June 1979 when she had fallen through the archway and could have almost laughed at herself, had she been cheerful enough to even crack a smile. She had been so naïve back then, thinking that "fixing the past", as she had called it, would be as easy as snapping one's fingers. Then again, she had been rather naïve about everything before she had learned to look at the world from different perspectives. It had started when she had changed her opinion of Severus, then her opinion of herself, then of Dumbledore, and finally of the whole world. She still could not compliment herself by thinking that she had become a wise and a mature individual since, but at least she had grown up a little bit.

That old Lily hadn't been wrong about everything, though. Her attitude had certainly been positive, which was more than Lily could say about her current self. Ever since Severus had died, Lily had wallowed in a pool of despair and depression, unable to do anything else but reflect on what a terrible place the world was. She had spent the last year flogging herself endlessly over past mistakes, namely because of her many crimes against Severus, and because of the attack at the Ministry of Magic. While much of the flogging had definitely been called for, it had kept her from focusing on the future. She wasn't really making a difference by hanging on to the past, so perhaps it was time for another metamorphosis.

Somehow, she would have to become a new Lily – someone who had the spirit and hopefulness of the Lily who fell through the veil, and the experience of the Lily who had fallen back. She would have to drive the last shreds of childish foolishness and pessimism out of herself, and she knew she could do it.

If she could let go of Harry, she could let go of anything.


	34. A Werewolf In a Wheelchair

A/N: O YEA ANANKE IS BACK! Just like zombies, Jason Voorhees, and characters in X-Men, it simply won't stay dead. Thanks for sticking by, slavish fans of Ananke!

* * *

"_- it does seem evident that these recent outbursts of Muggle-born violence are the direct result of Muggle-borns and half-breeds gaining too much power in our society. Instead of preserving our culture and bloodlines, we've been giving in to the endless demands of Muggles, and eventually we've ended up where we are today – threatened, cornered, and downright terrorized by these strangers who shouldn't have any footing in our society in the first place. If we won't do anything about this problem, our kind will go extinct before the century is out."_

Remus Lupin's day had begun like any other day in his new life. He had woken up around noon, climbed out of his bed and onto his wheelchair, taken a small detour round the bathroom, parked his chair in front of the largest window of his small single-room apartement and sat there for the remaining part of the day. He had read the morning paper from cover to cover – busy day; a pureblood member of the Ministry had been badly beaten by a group of pro-Muggle extremists, a fight had broken out between Muggle-born and pureblood shopkeepers in the magical district of Liverpool, and a new prophecy by the mysterious seer Cassandra Queen had been leaked to the Daily Prophet – and spent roughly an hour gazing idly through the window down at the busy street below him, until he had gotten tired of the silence surrounding him and switched on the wireless radio – which, like always, had been a mistake, for it had been long since he had heard anything but hateful propaganda on any wizarding radio station.

"_I absolutely agree," _said the voice on the radio, "_Muggle-borns pose a the greatest single threat to our culture, our civilization, our bloodlines – everything that ultimately defines us as the people we are. I cannot think of a more noble cause for a true witch or a wizard than to protect our fine culture against outside threats such as them..."_

Remus rolled his eyes, and turned the radio off with a flick of his wand. Hearing the sound of another human being made him feel a little bit less lonely – heaven knew no-one ever visited him – but there was only so much hateful words he could swallow for one day. He felt lowly and alienated enough as he was without someone on the radio telling him that all half-breeds should be exterminated like rats.

He lived in a drafty old tower which had once been the owlery of a rather grand townhouse. The decaying house had since been converted into a number of much smaller, much cheaper apartements, one of which even Remus Lupin could afford. Although all the windows of the old owlery had been boarded long ago, the birds somehow got in anyways. There were always pigeons, sparrows, and owls of every kind lurking up on the ceiling, and because of that the floor was always covered in feathers, bird droppings, and delightful little surprises like the occasional dead rodent.

(He liked the birds, nevertheless. They kept him company.)

It was a spacey yet cold and dreary room with nothing but the large window with a pleasant view speaking for it. It wasn't quite suited for someone with Remus's impairment – getting down to street level was so troublesome that he preferred not to go outside unless he absolutely had to – but the rent was cheap enough to keep him satisfied. He made just enough money proof-reading cook books and dreadful romance novels to support himself, but not enough to afford a home devoid of pests and stairs.

Sometimes he still felt as though his legs were itching, and got startled when he reached down to scratch his shin only to touch nothing below his knees. Those were the darkest moments of all – moments when the only thing that could have saved from the cold clutches of despair was the thought that at least he no longer had to worry about hurting anyone ever again. The Wolf shared his impairment, which deemed it as harmless as a rug. Remus no longer had to take extreme precautions to contain it when the moon was full, for the beast within him was now just as much of a prisoner of the chair as he was. He was no longer dangerous.

Just useless.

He hadn't realized that he had dozed off until he was woken up by an unexpected knock on the door. He opened the door with a flick of his wand, gazing curiously at the door. The only person who visited him regularly was Mrs. Dejeune, an elderly French lady who lived downstairs and kindly took care of grocery shopping for him, but she visited him on Tuesdays and Fridays, never on Saturdays.

His astonishment grew when he finally recognized the person who had entered the dark room.

"Lily?" he said in disbelief.

"Hello, Remus," said Lily Evans, lighting all the candles in the room with a single wave of her wand (it had gotten dark while he had slept), "Is this a bad time?"

"No," he replied, shaking his head, taking a better look of his long-lost friend. She looked different, somehow, even though it couldn't have been more than ten months since they had last seen each other. She was wearing a long, cream-coloured coat that went all the way down to her ankles and added something majestic to her demeanor. She had buttoned the coat up all the way up, and tied a green scarf loosely around her neck. The pair of brown leather boots she was wearing seemed to give her at least two inches of extra height. Not a single wisp of hair escaped from the sleek bun on the back of her neck – a look that made her seem many years older than she actually was – and she had painted her lips carefully red. The bright shade of her lipstick clashed slightly with the colour of her hair. She smiled, but somehow even her smile looked like something she had simply painted on.

"Long time no see," she uttered with lightness that seemed downright offensive given the circumstances.

"I was just about to say the same thing," Remus said rather grimly, "A good, long while since I've seen you."

As far as Remus knew, Lily hadn't been particularly involved in the recent operations of the Order of the Phoenix. In fact, he wasn't entirely sure she had been around at all since the attack at the Ministry of Magic. Remus himself had retired from the Order since that night, but he had heard from others that Lily had simply fled the scene before the dust had settled. He also knew that she had turned down James's proposal of marriage on the very same night Sirius had died, and that she had packed up her things and moved out of his house the morning after. Some time later, she had informed James and the rest of the Order that she was taking a little time off to help her older sister with her newborn baby.

There were no words to describe how disappointed Remus was with her. Even if Lily had had a legitiaite reason for rejecting James, Remus couldn't believe that she had had the nerve to leave James all alone when he had needed her the most. He also couldn't believe that she had turned her back on her friends on a moment of crisis. Peter had also quit the Order after deciding to conveniently migrate to India, but somehow it was easier for Remus to forgive Peter – who, as Remus suspected, would have never joined the Order in the first place, hadn't James and Sirius urged him to do so – for leaving his friends in the middle of a war than it was for him to forgive Lily. She just hadn't seemed like the type to do a vanishing act when danger approached..

"I'm sorry I just turned up like this," she said. She walked closer to him, but maintained a safe distance to him. It occurred to him that this was the first time she saw him in the chair, and he hoped that he was making her feel extremely uncomfortable. Served her right.

"Doesn't matter. I'm rarely unavailable," he said, "I always enjoy receiving visitors."

He said the last part with deliberate coldness, hoping to squeeze a few drops of regret out of her cold, cold heart.

"Sorry I haven't come any earlier," she said, seeming to catch his drift, "I realize we haven't spoken since -" her eyes brushed his wheelchair, and it angered him that she couldn't say it out loud, "- since February_. _I did come to visit you in the hospital, though. You were asleep then, and I didn't have time to wait for you to wake up."

"Yes. I heard you've been _terribly _busy nursing your nephew."

"He is quite a handful."

He stifled an urge to tell her jump out of the window.

"So. How can I help you? I'm guessing you_ need_ something, because I can't think of any other reason why you'd bother to come to see me."

"I did want to see you for the sake of seeing you," she said quietly, ignoring the snide undertone of his words, "As I was saying, I really have been busy lately. There were some issues I needed to take care of elsewhere, but I'm back now."

Remus raised an eyebrow, "What kind of issues?"

"Private ones."

"Oh, sure. That settles everything. Never mind the war, never mind your friends getting killed, never mind James being left all alone with his dark and destructive mind – you had _issues_ of _private_ nature that needed to be _taken care of_. I'm so glad that you have the choice of simply escaping this world when it gets too tough for you to handle, but most of us have neither the luxury of going Muggle when it's hard to be a wizard nor the will to abandon our friends on a moment of need. If you really think that we're all going to welcome you back with open arms, you're more stupid than people give you credit for."

Remus's words seemed to bounce off Lily like pebbles thrown at an iron shield. She stared at him with the calmness of an enlightened monk until he was finished, letting a pregnant silence land between them until she finally spoke again.

"Finished?" she asked in an annoyingly cool voice, "I hear you, Remus, but there's nothing you can tell me that I haven't already told myself. I know what I've done, and I am sorry for bringing you all down. I do realize that many of you must feel betrayed because of me, but as I said, I had a good reason for everything I did. I'm more than happy to tell you all about it in the next Order meeting."

"Think they're just going let you back in?"

"I was hoping that I could go with a friend to soften the blow."

"Ah. That's why you're here," Remus said, rolling his eyes, "You're barking up the wrong tree. I haven't been in any of the meetings in months. And I don't think I could help you even if I wanted to. If _I'm_ this disappointed with what you've done,_ they _must be absolutely livid. They think of you as a traitor. They're not going to just forget that you've spent the past few months painting your nails in some sickeningly peaceful Muggle suburbia while they've worked very hard to keep this hellish situation under control. Have you any idea what's been going on while you've been gone, Lily? There have been riots, there have been murders, there have been attacks, It's not even just Death Eaters anymore! Ordinary people are getting up and fighting, and supporters of Muggle-borns have formed secret groups similar to Death Eaters themselves in order to target well-known pure-bloods and supporters of You-Know-Who. It's all getting out of control, and we need every person we have to fight back. You have no right to just step out of the situation when you feel like it. People do not take vacation from wars. You owe your friends more than that."

Lily's painted smile widened, as if to conceal a buried memory that threatened to surface. A strange glimmer in her eyes, but it disappeared when she closed her eyes, and drew in a long breath.

"If I chose to be offended by what you just said," she began very calmly, closing her eyes as though to make sure to be very precise in her choice of words, "- I could tell you a little story about pots, kettles, and name-calling, seeing that you are blaming me for not taking part in whatever the Order is up to these days even though you clearly just admitted that you haven't been involved in their missions in months, either -"

"I'm in a _wheelchair_!" Remus roared.

"Yes, you're in a wheelchair," Lily replied, opening her eyes and directing a sharp, impenetrable gaze straight at him, "You're not brain dead. You didn't lose your life, like Sirius did. Maybe you should think of life as a opportunity not worth wasting, as many people do when they face death. But I'm guessing you've decided to be true to your character and wallow here in puddles of self-pity instead, doing nothing at the problems around you, which is what you do best."

She exhaled loudly, looking like she was fighting back a tidal wave of emotion. Remus dropped his jaw, so stricken by her indiscreetness that he couldn't even find the curse words to properly express what he thought of her right now.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly, covering her mouth with her hand, "I shouldn't have said that. I'm just... You don't know what you're talking about. You can't even know, so I shouldn't be mad with you. Just trust me when I tell you that I really do have an explanation for all this."

"Just get out," said Remus, shaking his head and gesturing at the door with one feeble movement of his hand.

Lily sighed and bowed her head in shame.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't have come here in the first place."

Remus watched her go, and on that moment it felt so strange that she and him had once been good friends. She certainly didn't seem like her old self anymore. Or maybe he had just gotten her all wrong from the start.

Just when Lily was about to open the door and leave, she stopped and turned around on her heels with a troubled look on her face, "What did you mean by James being alone with his 'dark and destructive mind'?"

Remus raised his eyebrows, rewinding back to what he had just said. He wasn't sure whether he cared to say another word to Lily, but on the other hand he didn't mind making her feel a little bit more guilty.

"He hasn't been himself since Sirius died," Remus began, "I don't see him too often these days, but I can tell that he's in a very dark place right now. I think he's still trying to avenge Sirius's death."

"What does that mean?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

Remus bit his teeth hesitantly, uncertain whether he wanted to reveal her everything he knew about the things James had been up to lately. Then again, a part of him wished that Lily and James would reconcile, for his sake if not for anything else. She seemed like the only person who could have talked him out of his senseless quest for bloody vengeance.

"He's been rather... eager to go on missions lately. So eager that the Order isn't exactly keeping up with him."

Lily's face melted into a frown, "Don't tell me he's joined one of those violent anti-pureblood groups?"

Remus wouldn't have been surprised if James had founded one.

"Look, I don't _know_ anything for sure, and I'm not going to accuse him of anything before I do. All I do know that he's been saying things that have made be believe that he wouldn't mind killing his enemies in battle, and not just in self-defence. And I also know that shortly after Sirius's death he went to Hogsmeade and attacked old Severus Snape in broad daylight, just because he assumed that Snape is one of them, which is probably true, but that doesn't -"

"What?" Lily asked suddenly, and all of a sudden she looked as pale as the full moon. For a split second, Remus wondered what had gotten to her, until he remembered that Snape and she had once been best friends – a fact he often forgot, because the subject had become a bit of a taboo in their circle of friends once Lily and James had started seeing each other.

"He... went to Hogsmeade one weekend looking for Snape, who became the new Potions Master of Hogwarts last year. Apparently, James had found him in The Three Broomsticks and started a fight. The fight was broken off before either of them got badly hurt, but from what I've heard, James had really gone in for a kill. Before he had attacked, he'd accused Snape of being one of You-Know-Who's men and said that he was just as guilty of murdering Sirius as they all were, even if he hadn't personally been there thay night. I'm really worried about him, Lily. He's become a threat to himself, and to others."

Lily leaned her back at the door frame looking mortified. "So that's what happened," she said, "I've been trying to locate Sev for months now, but I have no idea what happened to him after he resigned. I heard that he left his post because people were accusing him of being a Death Eater. I hadn't heard that James played such a prominent part in reinforcing the rumour."

"Dumbledore kind of swept the whole thing under a carpet, to help James out a little bit."

Lily gave a sour grin.

"And he did nothing to help Severus, even though James was the one who attacked him. Typical."

"You think Snape is innocent? I know you were childhood friends, but Snape was never too shy about flaunting his interest in the Dark Arts. I think it's safe to assume that neither his circle of friends nor his interests have changed much since Hogwarts."

Lily narrowed her eyes, "Why is it that you have endless faith in the goodness in James while you're as good as ready to send Severus to the gallows without a trial?"

"Because James is my friend. Snape isn't. He's wicked," said Remus defensively, "And I'm not agreeing with James, if that's what you mean. I'm just saying that whatever James has done, it can't be as bad as what Snape has done."

"And what has he done? You don't know, do you? You just assume that he must be bad to the bone, like everyone else does. He's been fighting off those expectations all his life," Lily sighed, "I would have expected you to be a little bit less short-sighted than that, Remus. People are more than just one thing. Merlin knows I've learned the hard way that one shouldn't be too quick to judge others. I'm not going to deny that I don't know that Sev has stepped into some deep trouble, but I'm going to help him get through it anyways. Everyone deserves a second chance. Even Snape. Even James. Maybe even me."

She folded her arms and looked down at her feet, and for a moment Remus saw the Lily she recognized shining through the armor of her carefully applied make-up and fine clothes.

"Why do you even want to help him? I thought you two haven't even been even talking since fifth year."

A secret smile crept on her lips, and she said nothing. She turned to the door again and placed her gloved hand on the handle before taking a last look at him. "See you around, Remus."

"Alice and Frank Longbottom's home, next Friday."

"What?"

"That's when and where the next Order meeting takes place," said Remus, "Dumbledore still asks me to come every time, even though I've told him that I can't be really useful to them anymore."

"Thank you," Lily said, "And I'm still sorry."

"It's nothing. Just take care of yourself out there."

He sat by the window for hours after she had gone, thinking about second chances, about darkness and destruction, and about the gifts of life. It wasn't until a new dawn began to colour the horizon when he realized that he had been up all night.


	35. The Queen And Other Pieces

Albus Dumbledore sighed.

It was already quarter past six, and only ten people had joined him in Alastor Moody's sitting room. Though generally an optimist, he could not help but feel hopelessly sceptical about the prospect of anyone else showing up to the meeting. Every gathering of the Order of the Phoenix seemed to attract less and less members, as more and more people were resigning the organization with every passing month. The latest to leave their ranks was Marlene McKinnon, who had announced her unapologetic resignation in a letter citing a complete loss of faith in the Order as a reason for quitting.

He gazed upon his ragtag group of champions, feeling a strong temptation to agree with Marlene to the fullest extent. His beloved Order was certainly not what it had once been. The group had never quite recovered from the battle of the Ministry of Magic, and it seemed like they were still suffering from the aftershocks of the great tragedy. Sirius Black's untimely death, Remus Lupin's gruesome injury, and the destruction of the Department of Mysteries had forced them all to really consider just how far they were ready to go in order to stop Voldemort. Apparently, not all of them were as committed to the cause as they ought to have been; Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, and Benjy Fenwick had all fled the Order like frightened pigeons within weeks of the attack, and many others had followed their example in the next few months.

The tragedy had also pushed the Order into the clutches of an internal conflict unlike anything they had seen before. Some of the members thought that the Order should have taken direct action against suspected Death Eaters, while others argued that they ought to have refrained from the use of violence altogether. Many of the original members had eventually gotten fed up with the arguments and left the Order to find like-minded friends elsewhere. Some had joined the militant anti-Voldemort groups that had surfaced after the Ministry attack (the Lionhearts, as they were called), others had become Aurors, and some had found other ways of fighting the war. Some had stopped fighting altogether.

They were also recruiting much less than before. Extremist movements on both sides of the war were now attracting more new members than the seemingly directionless Order of the Phoenix, which had shrunk into a small group of merely ten to fifteen soldiers. Even Dumbledore himself had to admit that his Order had lost its identity. The Order of the Phoenix was supposed to be a band of brave, peacekeeping vigilantes out to resist Voldemort without having to oblige the laws and rules Aurors were bound by. He had not founded the Order to be a random selection of disgruntled, indecisive people who spent more time arguing about their fundamental values than they did fighting Death Eaters.

For the first time in years, Dumbledore felt genuinely threatened by Tom Riddle. Voldemort's followers weren't many in numbers, but they had assets Dumbledore's side severely lacked, such as unity, cohesion, and unwavering faith in their fearless leader. As far as Dumbledore could tell, the Death Eaters didn't represent the smartest, the bravest, or the strongest of wizardkind, but they did have a common goal, they followed their master's orders with unflinching obedience, and as a whole they formed a perfectly managed army which was so much greater than the sum of its parts. That was more that could be said about Dumbledore's side.

"Can't we get started already?" said James Potter anxiously, peering outside through the window with overstated nonchalance, "No-one else is coming anyways."

"Close the curtains, Potter!" spat Moody, "Do you want to get us all killed?"

James made a face, and lazily dropped the curtain he was holding before retreating to the corner, as far away from everyone else as he could.

"I suppose you're right, James," replied Dumbledore, "Alastor, please begin."

As Moody opened the meeting with a briefing of the latest news, Dumbledore studied the gloomy faces of the once so high-spirited group, weighing the value of their combined forces. They were missing a few members today, but the key players were all here. What did these people add up to? Were they something bigger than the sum of their parts? Dumbledore could honestly not tell.

The rogue bounty-hunter Dorcas Meadowes and Alastor Moody were probably the strongest, most well-trained members of the Order, but they were both much too independent to follow Dumbledore's instructions as obediently as he wished. Ultimately, they were too unreliable to deserve Dumbledore's full trust despite their strengths. Elphias Doge and Dedalus Diggle, on the other hand, would have followed him to the edge of the earth, but they had little else to contribute to the Order apart from their infinite loyalty. Edgar Bones was his eyes and ears in the Ministry, but unfortunately his connections had proved to be his only asset. Dumbledore distrusted the otherwise resourceful Emmeline Vance – she disagreed with his decisions too often – and he suspected that the Prewett brothers were thinking about leaving, for they were clearly itching for more battle action than what the Order was granting them.

The Longbottoms were still among their most eager and most useful members, but unfortunately they were no longer able to fully devote themselves to the Order since they had recently become parents. Even now, only Alice was attending the meeting, since Frank had stayed home with their newborn son Neville. However, Dumbledore did admire Alice's determination. She'd given birth in early September, and it had only taken her a month to get back on the field with the rest of the team. She and Frank took turns taking care of their baby so that they could both be parents and active members of the Order.

James Potter was his wild card, his very own bloodhound. Dumbledore had always harboured special affection for the young Potter with so much promise, and he still did – although even he had to admit that the boy had taken a turn for the worse in the past few months. Poor James had not been quite the same since Sirius had been killed. The once so lively Potter had become a cynical, brooding young man who never smiled and rarely spoke, in a stark contrast to his former self. He had been living alone ever since Lily Evans had left him – rather tactless of her, in Dumbledore's opinion – and it seemed like he had lost all his interest in everything that was not directly linked with his quest to avenge the death of his best friend.

However, Sirius's death had also brought out what Dumbledore liked the best about him. James had become perhaps the bravest, the most loyal, and the most determined soldier Dumbledore had. Nobody trained harder, fought more fiercely, or followed Dumbledore's orders as faithfully as James did. He was fearless and driven, which made him absolutely invaluable in battle, but he was also as unpredictable as a carelessly handled explosive. Sometimes, his eagerness to take down Voldemort and all of his followers made him do ill-considered things. He'd already caused a scene in Hogsmeade when he had attacked Severus Snape, his former arch enemy from Hogwarts who was most likely working for Voldemort. This was perfectly understandable, as far as Dumbledore was concerned, for it was rather obvious that Snape had joined Voldemort first thing after Hogwarts, but as any connection between Snape and Voldemort was yet to be revealed, what James had done had technically been unlawful.

Dumbledore had gone into great lengths in order to keep James out of trouble. He had used his influence to make sure that all eye-witnesses – most of who were luckily good friends of his – were willing to tell the Aurors that Snape had initiated the attack instead of James. In the end, all charges against both counterparts of the fight had been dropped, and Snape had conveniently resigned, as the rumours about his connections to Voldemort had destroyed his credibility as a teacher. It had been a close call for James, but luckily everything had gone well.

The hot-tempered James was indeed quite a handful, but he was worth the extra attention. James was exactly the sort of man Dumbledore needed – able, brave, and most importantly_ obedient_. If he had had more men like him, he would have had a much better chance at winning the war.

He pondered this selection of chess pieces, wondering whether they were still a match for what they were up against. He felt like he had already lost his queen to the opponent, and had not only a handful of pawns, a few towers, and the occasional knight to work with. But then again, it was rarely the number of key pieces that determined the outcome of a game of chess. It was the strategy of the player that mattered, and if there was something Dumbledore trusted without doubt, it was the infinite power of his own strategic mind.

Almost half an hour later, the meeting was interrupted by a sudden knock on the door. James, the Prewett brothers, and Dorcas Meadowes all instantly drew out their wands, but Dumbledore raised his hand to stop them. He then exchanged signifying glances with Moody, who nodded grimly and headed to the front door.

"Nobody make a sound until I return," he grumbled. Several tense minutes later, he re-entered the room looking even angrier than usual, and he was followed by a well-dressed young woman Dumbledore couldn't remember ever seeing before.

It took him several seconds to realize that the young redhead in question wasn't a complete stranger after all, but Lily Evans. Dumbledore couldn't figure out why he hadn't recognized her instantly, for she didn't look much different. There appeared to be no significant changes in her physique, besides the fact that her face looked a little bit paler and thinner than before, and that she had styled her hair differently. Still, somehow at first glance it had seemed like the woman who had walked into the room was not the same Lily Evans Dumbledore had last seen in Sirius Black's funeral.

He made mental note to study this peculiar observation later, as the interesting scene that was about to unfold before his eyes demanded his full attention. Lily was still standing by the door, and everyone in the room was staring at her – some with shock and confusion in their eyes, others with anger and contempt. She stared right back at them defiantly, although her rapid blinking suggested that she was struggling against the physical manifestations of embarrassement.

"Evening, everyone," she said, greeting the whole room with a slight bow of her head, "I'm sorry I'm late. I understood that the meeting was to be held at the Longbottoms', but Frank told me that it was changed -"

"Where the hell have you been, Evans?" said Moody, voicing the question on everyone's mind. "We haven't heard a word from you in months!"

Dumbledore threw a scornful glance at Moody. He, too, wondered where the young Miss Evans had been hiding – or, rather, why she had suddenly returned after running away – but he wished Moody hadn't phrased the question so crudely.

For a fleeting moment, Lily looked a little bit flushed, but it didn't take her longer than a couple of seconds to gather herself. She raised her chin, narrowed her eyes, and returned Moody's sour gaze with the coolness of a winter morning, as if she truly had nothing to feel ashamed of.

"I apologize that I haven't been around lately. I've been staying with my Muggle sister in Surrey. She became a mother recently, and I was helping her with the baby."

The air quickly became thick with dismay. Once again, Moody became the first to say what everybody else was thinking, "Is that right, Evans? That's a sorry reason to turn your back to the Order. When you joined the Order, you made a commitment, like all of us. You made an oath to stay loyal to your friends and comrades, but you broke your word. You've got no bssiness crawling back here after that, Evans."

"Yeah, go back to Surrey," Fabian Prewett chimed in, glaring Lily from head to foot with utter disgust. Most people in the room seconded his opinion with random noises and gestures of approval.

"Everyone, please! Settle down!" said Dumbledore, standing up and raising his hand, "Let's give Lily an opportunity to explain herself. We mustn't judge her before we hear her side of this story. She may have left us, but we should value the fact that she has also returned to us. That takes more courage than any of you seem to understand."

Here, Dumbledore turned to look at Lily in the eyes, and was surprised to catch a passing glimpse of hatred in them. However, as soon as he had detected it, the look was gone. She thanked him with a silent bow of her head, which was enough to make him shrug off the odd feeling.

"We should never turn our backs to one of our own," he continued festively, "And we should never hesitate to welcome a stray lamb back into our herd. Many of you may feel like Lily was wronged us by leaving, but this does not mean that we should punish her when she asks us to forgive her. Remember – compassion brings us together, and hatred tears us apart."

He let his eyes travel across the room, deliberately meeting the eyes of every person present as if to dare them all to disagree with his noble words. Fabian dropped his head in shame, and his brother mirrored the action. Elphias Doge smiled with what appeared to be a glimmering tear in the corner of his eye. Alice gave him an approving nod. Moody rolled his eyes.

And James – he was still sitting in the corner, staring grimly outside the window as if there was nothing in the room worth even one percent of his attention.

"Well spoken, Albus," said Dedalus Diggle.

"Your Messiah complex overwhelms us all," Dorcas Meadowes quipped.

"Just let Evans speak," Moody growled.

"Thank you, but I'm afraid that I can't offer you any proper excuse for my absence," Lily began, "Like all of us, I was deeply affected by the attack at the Ministry of Magic. I was scared and confused after what happened, and for a moment there I did not know what else to do than to leave this all behind. I admit that I chose a very cowardly thing to do, running away when the Order needed all of its members the most, but I can assure you that it wasn't an easy decision to make. I sincerely apologize, and I do understand that many of you may never forgive me for deserting you. However, I didn't come here to be pardoned for my sins. I'm here to make up for them."

Dumbledore still could not shake the feeling that there was something wrong with Lily Evans. She sounded too... eloquent, and she looked too polished with her shiny hair and tidy clothes. As far as Dumbledore recalled, Lily Evans had never been particularly well-spoken. Witty, perhaps, and definitely chatty, but not as silver-tongued as she was now. Everything she said sounded well-rehearsed and calculated, as if she was reciting from a book rather than speaking from the heart. Although she might have as well been telling the truth, there was nothing sincere or natural about the way she presented herself. Whatever mysteries she was hiding behind her facade, it was evident that she had spent a lot of time preparing for this moment.

"So you've started to regret that you acted like a proper coward. Big fucking deal. Why should we care what you do anymore?"

A chilling, incredibly awkward silence filled the room as everyone's attention was drawn to James, who had voiced his venomous opinion without doing as much as turning to look at her. He was still sitting in the furthest corner of the room, twiddling his wand as if it was the only thing that kept him from dying of boredom.

"I'm glad you asked," she replied, swallowing hard and directing her attention elsewhere, "I think - I know that I may be very useful to the Order, in spite of everything I did. You see, for over a year now I've been blessed, or cursed, with something one could call a gift. A gift that has allowed me to learn things I sometimes wish I'd never learned, but which I now feel obliged to utilize to make things better for all of us."

It was on this tantalizing moment when the meeting was disturbed by another unexpected knock on the door. Shortly after this, another unexpected visitor entered the room.

"Remus!" said Dumbledore, giving him a radiant smile, "You've come back to us!"

Remus Lupin returned Dumbledore's smile wearily and very briefly before letting his face return to its natural apathetic state.

"Sorry I'm late, everyone. I thought we were supposed to meet at the Longbottom's but apparently the place was changed. Frank and Neville say hello, Alice."

He wheeled himself further into the room, and Dumbledore remarked – with some degree of intrigue – that he invaded a space next to Lily, out of all the people.

"Thought you weren't coming," she said.

Remus shrugged. "I had no other plans this evening."

She gave him a subtle grin that did not go unnoticed by Dumbledore.

"And now Lupin is back!" said Fabian Prewett. A wide grin quickly spread on his face. "This is turning into a real reunion!"

Lupin's welcome could not have been more different to the Lily had been received. For a few minutes, the air was full of warmth and happy chatter. Everyone wanted to give their wounded hero a hug, a handshake, or a pat on the back, until Moody broke up the scene, urging the meeting to continue.

"I'm glad to see you too, Lupin -," Alastor said, "- but Evans was about to say something, and I'd like to hear it."

All eyes were back on Lily, and again it seemed as though the temperature in the room had suddenly become several degrees colder.

"Thank you," she replied, "As I was saying... I take that you have all heard of Cassandra Queen?"

Of course they all had. The now famous Cassandra Queen had been dominating the headlines of every wizarding newspaper for months now. Everyone who had skimmed through any issue of the Daily Prophet in the past few weeks had heard of the powerful seer who had predicted numerous Death Eater attacks, assassinations, and other significant twists and turns of the war. She had appeared out of nowhere some five or six months ago, and ever since then many tragedies had been evaded because of her prophecies. She had sent words of warning to the Aurors, the media, or sometimes directly to the victims-to-be whenever something horrible was about to occur, and thanks to her intervention dozens of lives had been saved.

As far as Dumbledore knew, the name Cassandra Queen had to be a pseudonym. He, among many others, had long tried to deduce the true identity of the mysterious Ms. Queen, for having a clairvoyant seer by his side would have solved many of his problems, but he was yet to make any progress. There wasn't a single living seer within the extent of his knowledge who could have seen the future as clearly as Cassandra Queen did. Most witched and wizards who had the gift of foresight were usually vague and equivocal with their precognitions.

Cassandra Queen's predictions were always amazingly accurate and fantastically specific. She was an enigmatic, elusive character who was yet to make a public appearance despite her fame. No-one had reportedly ever met her in person, for she passed her predictions to the press in letters which were yet to be traced to their sender. Perhaps it was her nature to be one step ahead of everyone else in this matter, too.

Lily's stupid question went unanswered, so she continued after a short rhetorical pause.

"Well, that's what I'm here to tell you," she said, tossing her hands at her hips in a confident manner that instantly made her look an inch taller and several years older. "Cassandra Queen is me."


	36. Trust

Alice was not the only person in the room who reacted to Lily's shocking revelation by dropping her jaw and staring at the girl dumbly for several pregnant seconds. She stared boldly back at them, having discarded the last shreds of the insecurity which had governed her behaviour earlier. If she was feeling the slightest bit anxious under their penetrating looks, she was hiding it very well.

Alice herself felt how her pulse was picking up speed as the little puzzle inside her mind suddenly became complete. For one passing moment, Lily's knowing gaze met hers, and from then on there wasn't a wisp of doubt in Alice's mind that Lily was telling the truth.

After what felt like a small eternity of suspense, the silence finally ended when everyone in the room besides Lily started talking at the same time.

"You_ can't_ be serious."

"_You're_ Cassandra Queen?"

"How could you be a seer all of a sudden? You haven't been able to tell the future before!"

"She's lying. She's just trying to trick us into taking her back."

"Silence, please!" Dumbledore shouted, raising his hand before addressing Lily in his softest voice. "Lily, is this true?"

"Yes," she said, "It's been me the whole time."

She took a brief break, giving the others the opportunity to ask her more questions, but a stunned silence had filled the room yet again so she began her peculiar tale.

"For all of you who were claiming that I haven't displayed any precognitive tendencies before – you're absolutely right. Up until last year, I knew as little about the future as a Muggle. I didn't take Divination at Hogwarts, and I'd never seen any kind of prophetic signs in all of my life. However, about a year and a half ago, something strange happened to me. I began to see these... _dreams_."

She glanced at her compelled audience as though to check whether they were taking her words seriously. From what Alice could tell, the Order was divided roughly in two; some seemed utterly convinced, and others stared at her with disgust and utmost disbelief in their eyes. Nevertheless, Lily continued.

"I don't know what happened, or why it happened, but all of a sudden I saw these visions of the future. Of _a_ future, actually – a future that could have been ours if it hadn't been for me. I saw the world years from now on, and learned everything that had shaped it into what it was. The dreams were so vivid that they felt almost real, like I'd lived it all myself. After a while, I realized that they _were_ becoming reality, and that's how I knew that I really was having prophetic visions."

Alice stole another glance at her friends. Those who had been awestruck before looked now even more amazed; those who had obviously doubted her looked even less convinced than before.

"In my dreams, the world had become a frightening place where many of our friends had been killed, and You-Know-Who was still out there, trying to seize power. The war was still raging, and our children had to grow up in the shadow of fear. At first I was scared by what I saw because I thought that there was nothing I could have done to prevent all those terrible things. I thought that the future was already written, and that my attempts to make a difference would be futile. Eventually, I did discover that I could change history. That's how Cassandra Queen eventually came to be. I needed to warn people about upcoming tragedies, but I didn't want my true identity revealed so I used a false name."

"So that's it? You just suddenly gained the ability to tell the future for absolutely no reason?"

It was Dorcas Meadowes who decided to act as the voice of scepticism this time. Her low, calm voice dictated the thoughts that were clearly running in the minds of many of her friends, judging on the equally unconvinced faces of James, Moody, and the Prewett brothers.

"Actually, in is not at all uncommon for a witch to have her dormant gift of foresight awaken late in life", Emmeline Vance chimed in, "The great Manto of Thebes did not gain her power of clairvoyance until she became a grown woman. It's said that the ability to tell the future is the most fickle one of all magical skills."

"That's very interesting, but the question is not whether it's possible but whether it's believable. I'm sad to say that I highly doubt both Miss Evans's sincerity and motives because her story sounds too convenient to be true."

"Evans lies about everything," said James bitterly, "But I already knew that."

Alice had to frown at this, but then she reminded herself not to be too hard on James. He was a young man with a broken heart, and certainly not the type to keep his emotions to himself. He couldn't be expected to behave himself.

"Why would I lie?" asked Lily. She looked sharply at James, who instantly turned his face away, "What could I possibly gain out of crawling back here spewing lies? I knew how I'd be received before I even came here, so if it had been in my interest to tell a lie, I would have prepared a better one. This is just the way it is."

"Maybe she's a spy!" Fabian Prewett yelled. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Yes, I'm the newest member of the Mudblood Death Eater squad."

"Very funny, but that's doesn't mean you can't be lying," Fabian insisted, "How can you even prove that you really are Cassandra Queen?"

Lily's eyes drifted to Edgar Bones.

"Mr. Bones, I understand that you've one of the people who has received a personal letter from Cassandra Queen."

Edgar, who had remained silent for most part of the evening, suddenly became the centre of attention. It wasn't until now that Alice noticed that he had fallen pale – probably as pale as Alice herself.

"That is correct," he admitted, glancing apologetically at the very surprised Dumbledore, "She – she warned me not to take the family to our summer house last August. She claimed that something terrible would happen to all of us if I did, and that I should watch my back in the future because You-Know-Who wanted the make an example out of us. At first I thought it was a joke, but then Cassandra Queen started to be all over the news, and I decided to follow her advice."

"Edgar... why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you!" said Dumbledore. He sounded almost offended.

"I know Albus, and I'm sorry. Cassandra Queen told me not to trust anyone, so I kept the letter to myself. I didn't tell anyone, except my wife."

"There was also something else in the letter," said Lily, "A symbol, drawn next to the signature. Can you confirm this?"

"Yes," said Edgar.

Lily held out her right hand, revealing the piece of jewelry she wore on her finger. It was cheap-looking, ink-stained ring with a carving of a butterfly on it.

Alice hitched a breath, and hoped that no-one noticed.

"It was a butterfly, wasn't it? This butterfly here," Lily continued, gesturing at her hand, and Edgar nodded frantically, "I use this ring as a stamp, and I print it on every letter I send as Cassandra Queen. All of her letters bear the same symbol on them. I've charmed the ring so that it's untraceable, and it can't be taken off my finger unless I want to remove it myself. It be copied, so every letter Cassandra Queen sends can be verified through this symbol."

"And it also verifies that Lily really is the woman behind Cassandra Queen," said Dumbeldore,. "Brava, you've planned this very well, Lily, but I must ask you the same question I just asked Edgar: why did you not simply turn to me when you first gained this amazing gift?"

Lily's cold, cold eyes flickered when she looked at Dumbledore.

"I'm not sure," she replied, "I suppose I was afraid that someone might abuse this information if it fell into the wrong hands."

"Did you predict Sirius's death?"

James's voice was so dark that it sent shivers running down Alice's spine. The look on his face matched the tone of his voice.

"No," said Lily, shaking her head. This time it was she who avoided his eyes, "It wasn't a part of my vision."

"So are we to believe that you suffer from a case of selective precognition?" asked Dorcas Meadowes.

"No. It's just that the future had already changed when it happened. The Ministry Attacks never went that far in the future I saw. It seems like my clairvoyance was a temporary thing. I haven't predicted anything for over a year, so I suppose whatever prophetic ability I possessed is now either gone or dormant."

"How is that even..."

"Are you really suggesting that..."

"We can get to the specifics of your visions later," said Dumbledore, cutting Dorcas Meadowes and Fabian Prewett off before they could finish their questions, "Perhaps the wisest thing to do now is to end this meeting. You all must be very tired. We'll see what we can do with this surprising advantage we've given in our next meeting once I've spoken with Lily alone. In the meanwhile, I take that we can all agree that Lily is welcome to rejoin the Order of the Phoenix?"

Looking at her fellow Order members, Alice could definitely tell that the decision was definitely not mutual. At least Dorcas Meadowes, Alastor Moody, and the Prewett brothers were still all looking highly sceptical. However, knowing the weight of Dumbledore's opinion in situations like these, Alice knew that Lily would be taken back regardless of this.

"That's all right. I really need to use the bathroom," said Lily, giving Alice a signifying glance. She took the cue.

"Me too. I can show you the way," Alice replied quickly, taking Lily by the arm and leading her to the door.

"Lily, before you go anywhere – could we have a word, please?" asked Dumbledore.

Lily nodded, and followed Alice out of the room and up the stairs to the second floor. Lily made no objections when Alice accompanied her to the bathroom and locked the door behind them, securing the privacy of the conversation they were about to have with a quick charm that blocked all possible eavesdroppers.

As soon as she got finished with all this, she turned around and looked up at Lily, who all of a sudden looked much more tired than she had looked just a moment ago.

"So it was you," Alice began.

"Yes."

Alice didn't know what else to say. She felt hot tears appearing in the corners of her eyes as many months worth of suppressed fear, confusion, and frustration began to surface. She felt slightly angry that it had been Lily the whole time, and that she hadn't revealed her true identity to her earlier, but all of her negative feelings towards the young girl were drowned by the overwhelming gratitude her chest was swollen with.

"Is everything fine with Neville?" asked Lily when Alice failed to verbalise any of the thoughts on her mind.

"Yes," Alice sighed, "He is well, and he's safe. For a moment there, I really thought that the letter had to be some kind of a sick prank, but then the prophecies started to be spread all over the papers, and they all came true..."

Alice sighed, feeling like a deflating balloon. When she had first received a word of warning from someone called Cassandra Queen, she hadn't known what to do. The letter had stated that Lord Voldemort would be targeting her entire family because their soon-to-be-born son was possibly destined to vanquish the Dark Lord - or so he was to believe because Neville's date of birth and some other factors suggested that a certain prophecy referred to the son of Alice and Frank Longbottom.

"But you have taken care of it?" Lily insisted, eyes full of concern, "Have you hidden Neville somewhere safe, like I suggested?"

"Better. We lied about his birthday," Alice said breathlessly, letting out a secret she had been guarding so carefully for many weeks.

"He was actually born in late July, and not in early September like we told everyone else. Frank and I went to stay at his mother's house when I was due. She had volunteered as a nurse during World War II, and she knew how to help me with the birth. Everything went well, and Neville came to this world in the turn of the month, just as you had predicted. We waited for a whole month until we announced that Neville had been born. His official birthday is September 2. If You-Know-Who is looking for a child who was born between July and August, he will not come after Neville. We don't have to hide him. As of now, Frank and I, Frank's mother, and you are the only ones who know the truth."

Lily's eyes widened.

"Alice... That's brilliant!" she said, pulling Alice into her arms in a whirl of emotion, "That's so much more clever than what I had in mind!"

Alice hugged her back, feeling very much relieved, even though she knew that the danger was not exactly over as long as the war was still on. Lily sighed and lingered in the embrace as though it had been a lifetime since anyone had held her. This made Alice feel somewhat awkward, for the two had never been close friends, but she allowed Lily to stay where she was as long as she wanted anyway.

She couldn't help but feel sad that a person as young and inexperienced as Lily had been forced to carry such a responsibility. She was not much younger than Alice, but very young none the less. Being several years older than Lily, Alice didn't know her very well, but from the few conversations they had had in during Order meetings she'd gathered that Lily was a very bright and brave young girl. Still, she was carrying an impossibly heavy load, and Alice for one could not hold it against her that she had taken some time out of the war after discovering her prophetic abilities. Such stress could have rendered anyone temporarily useless.

"Can you tell me what exactly it was that you saw in our future?" she asked tentatively after a while. She wasn't sure whether she even wanted to know, but her curiosity got the better of her.

Lily pulled away from her, and gave her a distraught look.

"Your son being hunted by the Death Eaters because of the prophecy. Your entire family being attacked a few months after his first birthday. Him growing up... parentless."

A shudder went through Alice's body.

"And now that the prophecy can no longer be applied to him, we're all safe?"

Lily shrugged apologetically, "I'm sorry, but I just don't know. I've tangled this particular thread in time for good, and what I saw no longer reflects what's going to happen to your family. Hopefully, you'll all come out of this safe and unharmed, but anything can happen. Just remember to keep Neville's real birthday a secret. Never tell anyone the truth. Not even people you think you can trust. Not even Dumbledore."

There's was definitely dismay in her voice when she pronounced Dumbledore's name. Alice wished to inquire more about it, but she settled to simply take her advice and keep further questions to herself for the time being.

"I won't," she said, nodding firmly.

"Good luck, then. To all three of you."

"Do you believe in it? In the prophecy?" Alice asked quickly just when Lily was about to walk out of the door, "Is Neville really destined to bring down You-Know-Who?"

Lily paused, and seemed to think long and hard before replying, "I don't think anyone's destined to do anything. If I've learned something in the past year, it's that anything can change. Anything, and anyone. But who knows? Maybe he will defeat You-Know-Who after all. Time will tell."

* * *

The confusing meeting had left Alastor Moody certain of only one thing: that Lily Evans was a big fat liar. He did not require the aid of his numerous lie detectors to tell that she had not said an honest word during the whole evening.

After some thirty years of experience as an Auror, Moody believed he had developed the ability smell a lying bastard from a distance. Evans practically reeked of dishonesty. Even if story hadn't been stupid and full of plot holes, she would have given herself in by acting so unnaturally calm that anyone with half a brain cell could have told that she wasn't being entirely sincere. And her appearance? She looked like a little girl playing dress-up with her mother's clothes. One could tell a lot about a person by the way that they dressed, and Evans's attire belonged to someone who had taken a lot of time and preparation in order to be regarded as a serious adult.

Oh yes, Moody could see right through her. He couldn't believe that Dumbledore was buying the dragon dung she was trying to feed them.

She wasn't under Imperius, that was for sure. He had silently tried all the curse-revealing spells he knew on her while the others had bombed her with questions, and nothing had come out. That still didn't rule out the possibility that she was working for Voldemort. Perhaps he had figured out that she had been a part of Dumbledore's elite team. Her being a Muggle-born was no reason for Voldemort to pass up an opportunity to influence someone close to Dumbeldore. Maybe Evans did have a motive for turning to the Death Eaters. People did all kinds of stupid things out of fear and greed.

Either way, Moody was willing to play along and pretend to believe her flimsy excuses as long as it took for him to discover _why_ she was lying, and how did she know all the things she knew. He did not buy the ridiculous seer story for a second, but she obviously had some access to knowledge regarding the future. He was also keen to find out what she expected to gain out of all this. Everyone had a currency, and once he found about what hers was, he was bound to find out the truth.

He was waiting for her when she came down the stairs. Patience and self-control weren't among his virtues, but he was trying hard to exercise both when he greeted her with a grumpy nod instead of straight up throttling her for answers.

"Hey," she said, looking somewhat embarrassed, "Thank you for not slamming the door at my face."

"Can't say that it didn't cross my mind."

She gave him a stiff smile, sitting down on the last step of the stairs.

"I have a favour to ask you, and I know that this is difficult for both of us because you probably don't trust me," she said, "And I don't blame you, because I am aware of how unbelievable everything I've told you must sound like."

"Depends on what you're asking."

"I know that you've trained some of the Order members to become better fighters. I could definitely use some more training, too. Duels and counter curses have never been my speciality. I've been practising on my own, but I can only get so much better without tutoring."

Moody thought about this for a moment, trying detect any glaring tricks hidden in the request before deciding to accept it. This way, it would be easy to get to the bottom of her motives.

"I'll see what I can do, lass."

She smiled again, pulling herself back on her feet, "Great. Then it's settled? I'll write to you later this week."

"Why do think you need more training?" he asked before he could help himself. He didn't want to seem too eager to learn all of her secrets. The best way to squeeze the information out of her was to lull her into a false feeling of trust and strike her with the key questions when she least expected it.

"I'm definitely not the best duelist around," she said with a shrug, "And I know what might happen if I wound up unprepared in a situation where my ability to defend myself and the ones I care about makes all the difference in the world."

To his utmost horror, Moody felt a sudden wave of warmth sweeping through his chest, and he realized that he was becoming soft on her again. Evans had done everything but earned his trust and respect, and yet he could help but feel an unexplained urge to believe in her.

The sad truth was that he _had_ liked Evans. She hadn't been the most powerful or the most talented member of the Order, but there had been something about her – some peculiar spark that had given him the gut feeling that he was in the presence of a young woman who was destined to become something special. She was clever, unyielding, and persistent – a combination of essential assets that reminded him of the best Aurors he had known in his life. No-one had been more disappointed than him when Evans had flat out fled after the Ministry attacks, even though he had remarked that she had seemed awfully apathetic for months before the tragedy.

Moody usually followed his instincts, but now his gut feeling was giving him mixed messages. He could sense that she was not telling the truth, but somehow he also felt strangely inclined to trust her again.

"I'll help you if you answer one question for me," he said sternly, "What kind of a game are you really playing here?"

He stared straight into her green, doe-like eyes, unable to solve the riddle the look in her eyes presented.

"A kind of gamble, I guess," she replied, grabbing her coat from the rack, and glanced at him once more over her shoulder, "For what it's worth, I trust you, and I don't just throw that word around. Especially not around here."

Her eyes became fixed on something, and when he followed her gaze, he saw Dumbledore down the hallway. He was left pondering whether there was a connection between her cryptic words and the object of her attention.

"There you are, Lily. I was beginning to fear that you'd snuck out of here before I got to speak with you in private."

Moody took this as a cue to leave, but he didn't go far. He climbed up the stairs and out of Dumbledore's sight, but lingered within earshot of the two.

"What is it, Professor?"

He gave a chuckle,"You're a clever girl. Surely you can figure that one out by yourself. I am talking about your visions, of course. You should come over to Hogwarts tomorrow. I'll clear my schedule so that you can tell me all you know about the future. You could stay for supper, too. I do wish that you'd come to me first before turning up here in the meeting, though. Times being what they are, it would have probably been best if the true identity of Cassandra Queen would have remained our secret."

"I agree," she replied, "This kind of information could prove to be very destructive. Nobody should know the things I know about the future. It's bad enough that I do. Clairvoyance can be a terrible weapon, and an instrument for false justice. That is why I've decided to keep my visions to myself."

A heavy silence followed this revelation.

"I'm sorry, dear Lily, but I'm confused. Are you suggesting that you're going to do _nothing_ with the amazing gift you've received?"

"Oh, not at all. I plan to do _much_ with it. I believe that have the responsibility to prevent the tragedies I've foreseen, but I also know that I have the responsibility to guard this information. I will alert the Order of things to come only when I feel the need to do so. This means that I'm afraid that I won't be coming over for supper tomorrow, Professor."

Moody raised his eyebrows, and could only assume that Dumbeldore was doing the same thing.

"This isn't the way the Order of the Phoenix works," said Dumbledore, sounding uncharacteristically humourless, "If you're serious about rejoining the Order, I must be able to trust you to honour my requests. We have no use for rogues."

"I'll be happy to work with you, but on my terms only," Evans replied coolly, "I want to have a say in what is done with the information I provide. To ensure that my views are respected and that my visions won't be abused, I will regulate and limit the extent of your knowledge by only revealing things I feel comfortable revealing. In other words, you won't get a full and unlimited access to my prophecies. I will contact you, and not the other way around. I demand the right to remain silent when asked about something I don't feel right answering to. If these requests are denied, I'm afraid I cannot work with the Order, and you'll be left without the advantages of my gift of foresight. This is my offer. Take it or leave it."

Dumbledore was silent again, and Moody could tell by the ruffling of clothes that Evans was ready to leave.

"I will consider your offer," Dumbledore said eventually, and although the tone of his voice was conversational, Moody could hear a dash of venom in it, too, "And I do understand your demands. You're a businesswoman, and you understand the value of your gift. Knowledge is power, isn't it?"

"No," said Evans, "It's solitude."

Once he had heard the door being opened and shut, Moody came down the stairs. Dumbledore was standing right where he had left him, and his cold, steely gaze was burning a hole in the door through which Evans had just departed.

"Were you listening to that?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Our Miss Evans has surprised me many times this evening. Who would have thought that a simple girl like her would grow up to be such a tricky young woman? But never mind. She's still just a girl, and we'll get whatever we want of her sooner or later."

Moody glanced at his old friend, and a nasty feeling pinched his insides. Dumbledore had been a friend and an ally of his for decades, but there had always been something about the way he treated people that filled Moody with distraught. His gut had always told him to be careful with Dumbledore. Too add fuel to the fire, he could not shrug off the thought that perhaps Evans had a solid reason to imply that Dumbledore was not to be trusted.

"Do you believe anything she says?" asked Moody.

"I believe some of it, but she's obviously hiding much from us. And she's lying, too. We just need to figure out about what," Dumbledore replied, stroking his beard pensively, "Either way, it's best that we let her get her way now so that we can have ours later."

Moody wasn't sure whether there was actual menace in his words, of if he was just imagining it.

* * *

It was a cold night, but James was ready to stand outside as long as it took. Lily had to come out sooner or later, and when she did, James would be there waiting. There was no way she was going to wriggle out of this conversation.

He wasn't quite sure what he wanted of her. Hell, he couldn't even articulate how he felt about her, but whatever it was, it was dark and strong – so strong that he found it difficult to stay put – and that he could not have a moment of peace if he couldn't unleash it. The least she could do was to acknowledge what she had done to him.

He paced back and forth in front of the door, squeezing his wand so tightly in his fist that he had to wince in pain. Oh, he was really going to give it to Evans this time. She had been blocking his letters and avoiding him too long. She couldn't just keep on pretending that none of it had ever even existed – that she hadn't loved him, lived with him, and almost married him before leaving him without a proper explanation. This seer thing sounded like another lie, and James was fed up with being kept in the dark. He wanted answers.

When he finally saw her familiar form leaving the house, he stepped out of the shadows and blocked her way, forcing her to face him and his anger. There was a flash of fear in her eyes when she first looked up at him, but it was soon replaced by an irritatingly cool and collected expression.

"I thought you already left," she said.

"You wish."

"Is there something you want to talk about?"

He hesitated, but didn't allow it to show on his face. What was he going to say? That he was angry with her. That he had missed her. That he hadn't felt right in months. That he had trusted her, and that she had betrayed that trust. That she had crushed his heart...

"Just so that you know, I don't believe a word you're saying," he said eventually.

"I gathered as much."

"Everyone should know that you're a lying, back-stabbing, cold-hearted bitch."

"Splendid. Inform the local media."

She was walking now, but James kept up with her fast pace. She wasn't getting away so easily.

"Do you really think that you can just come back here, like nothing ever happened? Like you didn't lie? Like you didn't betray us and run like a coward? And some fortune-teller you are. You couldn't even save Sirius."

She stopped on her tracks and grimaced as she bit her teeth.

"Really?" she asked when she finally faced him, "You've really decided to be this immature and predictable about this? Fine, do that if it really makes you feel so much better. Let's agree that I'm the horrible monster who's responsible of every miserable thing in your life right now. In return, you might want to stop acting like the innocent victim to my ghoulish villain. I know bloody well what you've done while I've been away."

For a fleeting moment, an icy feeling of guilt gripped his heart, but he got over it rather quickly. It was true that he had been involved in all sorts of things the rest of the Order wasn't aware of, but he did not regret any of it. Guilt was for people who had actually done something wrong. James had done the right thing and ensured that there would be no more murderous Death Eater rampages, and that Sirius's death would not go unavenged.

Besides, he wasn't going to admit anything unless she had solid evidence to back up whatever she was accusing him of.

"Oh yeah? And what is that?" he asked nonchalantly.

"You attacked Severus, and made him lose his job. Rumour has it you almost killed him, too."

He blinked. It took him a while to recall the insignificant old incident, and he still failed to see how it related to their argument.

"_Snivellus_? What does he have to do with any of this?"

"He's my friend, and you've wronged him again."

James snorted, "Why do you care? You haven't even talked to him since, what? Sixth year? I thought you were sane enough to see him for what he really is by now."

"I am," she said very seriously, "He's the best friend I've ever had, and a better man than you'll ever be. I will never again just stand by and do nothing when something like this happens to him."

James could not help but sneer. She had broken his heart without regret and left him when he had needed her the most, but she was ready to defend Snivellus – a rotten Death Eater who had been practising Dark Magic before he was old enough to have hair on his chest?

In his heart, James could admit that he had been a bit of an ass when he had been younger, but nothing he had done wrong could even compare to the sort of things Snape did in the dark. Snape was _evil_, and anyone who thought otherwise had to be either blind, stupid, or just as evil as him.

That really did it for him. From now on, Lily Evans meant absolutely nothing to him. He couldn't believe that it had taken this long for him to realize what a hypocritical, selfish, idiotic, cruel, horrible, self-righteous cow she was behind that pretty face of hers.

"Snivellus is a slimy Death Eater. All he deserves is a swift end to his miserable existence. If you don't to see that, you're even dumber than I thought you were. But that doesn't really surprise me. You've turned out to be all sorts of things I never realized you were."

"That's true. You know very little about me, and even less about Severus," said she icily, and somehow it annoyed him that she was yet to lose her temper. "I have no reason to like you right now, but since we are going to work together, I wish we could be civil with each other. Do you really want to make this difficult for all of us by forcing us to become enemies?"

"I never said anything about being enemies," James replied, "If it had been up to me, you could have been my wife."

That was the ultimate stab. As embarrassing as it was for him to bring up the rejection, he couldn't have felt more awkward than she did. She had to own up that she had made a grave mistake – that she was genuinely sorry for hurting and abandoning him, that she would take it back if she only could...

But Lily displayed no signs of mercy or compassion. If something, she only sounded colder when she leaned closer to him and delivered her final blow.

"Yeah. And I said_ no_."

With that, she was gone, and James was left alone in front of Moody's house, too stunned by her cruelty to hurry after her. When he finally came back to his senses, he did what he always did when he was overwhelmed by anger, and destroyed a nearby street lamp with an angry curse.


	37. A Note from Mr Scervix

It was the coldest day of December, and Lily's apartment felt like an icebox. She lay on her bed (or, more accurately, on the mattress she used as a bed) under a thick pile of covers, but she was still shivering so much that she could hardly concentrate on the book she was reading. She had intended to use the few hours of spare time she had that afternoon to finish Morella Amaranta's _Life Without Death – The Pursuit of Immortality Through The Ages_ – an extensive history of the wizardkind's various attempts at defeating death – but she had barely gotten past the first chapter. The bloody temperature made it impossible for her to focus on anything else than the fact that it felt like the blood in her veins was about to turn into icy slush.

Feeling like she had been slapped in the face with a frying pan was certainly not making things any better. She hadn't slept well all week, and her lack of sleep manifested itself as a throbbing headache which made her seriously suspect that her skull was about to crack open. She had been so overworked lately that she had barely had time to change into her pyjamas between urgent errands that demanded her immediate attention, let alone sleep soundly through the night like a normal person. Even when she did find enough time to rest properly, she usually found herself unable to sleep because of her wildly racing thoughts, and ended up spending her nights staring at the ceiling till dawn.

In the past few weeks, Lily's life had undergone many significant changes. She had moved out of Petunia's house and rented herself an apartment – a rat-infested studio in London she could only scarcely afford. She had quit her job at the Muggle library and found a new one as a proofreader at _Witch Weekly_ magazine. She had cut her hair, lost a lot of weight, and spent hours practising Occlumency and counter-curses on her own.

She had contacted the Order of the Phoenix and unmasked herself, revealing herself as Cassandra Queen, the extraordinary seer.

She had felt rather odd ever since the Order meeting, as if she had just climbed on the rooftop of a tall building and looked down for the first time. It felt like a kind of vertigo – that dizzy feeling she got when she really got a grasp of the scale of the affairs she was meddling with. She had been pulling strings left and right ever since the attack at the Ministry, but the Order meeting was the first thing that made it feel real – that she was _really_ doing this, disturbing the universe like she owned it.

Ever since February, Lily had had four main goals in her life. Firstly, she had needed to get Harry somewhere safe so that he could live his childhood in peace. This had been her top priority, which had kept her away from the wizarding world for the next eight months – but which had not prevented her from plotting and planning how to deal with the rest of her to-do list.

Secondly, she had sworn to save each and every victim of a Death Eater attack and assassination she knew of. She had written dozens and dozens of letters to would-be victims of Voldemort, and sometimes to Daily Prophet just to let people know of her existence. She had feared that people would not believe Cassandra Queen's warnings if they had no proof of her competence as a seer.

Here, Severus's journal had proved to be immensely useful. She might have not had the real journal with her, but she had been able to recreate it completely from her memories with the help an old remembrance spell she had fortunately discovered. _Memorandum_ was an ancient spell that made its caster fall into a deep trance, during which they could draw an accurate picture of any memory they focused on – or, in Lily's case, rewrite something she had read. Thanks to the spell, she was now in possession of a perfect replica of Severus's journal she'd written herself. It contained detailed descriptions of all Death Eater attacks, gatherings, and assassinations Severus had known about at the time.

It was the best guide through the war she could have asked for, even though every day the future steered a little bit further away from the chain of events Severus's journal described. In a way, they were all lucky that Voldemort planned his moves months in advance and was reluctant to all last-minute changes to his meticulous plots. Even though she had already dramatically changed history, most of Voldemort's most important attacks had been executed as planned – and trumped at the last minute thanks to Cassandra Queen's propheecies.

Of course, Lily had not been able to help everyone she had set out to rescue. For instance, she had successfully managed to prevent the first assassination attempt of Westley Thomas – a pure-blood wizard who had refused to join Voldemort – but a month later, the poor man had been killed anyways. Similarly, she was disheartened by the news of the death of her dear old Professor Flitwick – who, as far as Lily knew, had not been supposed to be attacked by Death Eaters near the end of the summer.

These instances had served as tragic reminders of the fact that having knowledge of a certain future did not render her all-seeing and all-knowing. History was reshaping itself on its own, drifting further into unfamiliar territories with each day. One day, not even Severus's journal could help her read the future.

Still, there was one important asset her knowledge had given her that survived even the changing of the history, and that was _power_. As determined and persistent as Lily was, she was hardly a match for Voldemort on her own. She couldn't have imagined herself single-handedly defeating the most feared wizard of their time _and_ his army of zealots even if she had been a much better duelist. She also reckoned that by standing divided her side was only helping Voldemort's side become more powerful.

As reluctant she was to reveal her cards to any incarnation of Dumbledore, Lily had decided to return to the Order because she needed allies, and her allies needed her. However, she refused to go back and not be listened to, which would have surely happened if she hadn't given them any reason to value her opinions. And so, she had made the risque decision of revealing – to some extent – what she knew to make sure that her views would be heard and considered in the next meeting. She had great plans for the Order.

But more on that later.

Apparently, her gamble had paid off. Not more than three days after the meeting, she'd received a letter from Dumbledore. It had only said that he had agreed to accept her offer of co-operation under the full terms she had presented him, and that he was eagerly waiting for her to contact him.

The third item on Lily's humble agenda was discovering a way to vanquish Voldemort for all eternity.

She was still working on it.

She still didn't know how exactly Voldemort was defeated in the future. Dumbledore hadn't told Severus the details of his plan, and Severus had been awfully quiet even about the things he did know – probably because he had been under the impression that the said plan would culminate in Harry's death. All he had known that it had something to do with certain relics – a cursed ring and Godric Gryffindor's sword, for instance – but he didn't know what the objects had in common, or how they all tied to Voldemort's immortality. She had also followed the news after Voldemort's death, but the papers never specified how Voldemort had managed to make himself immortal, or how he was turned into a mortal again. Perhaps the only people who knew the truth were Harry and his closest allies.

She had been reading books about immortality, magical relics, and other related subjects since spring, but she was yet to find anything useful. Although she was quite aware how unlikely it was that she might randomly discover the secret of eternal life in an ordinary text book, she kept on reading anyways. If the future had taught her something, it was that there really was a way to defeat Voldemort, and she was determined to find it. No matter how long it took.

Lastly on her list of things to take care of, she intended to find Severus.

Once her train of thinking had yet again been derailed by thoughts of Severus, she knew she was not going to get any reading done all evening. Abandoning her book, she decided to fix herself a cup of tea and sat down on the only chair of her barely furnished apartement – which still felt more like a mere base of operations than like a home to her. She gazed at Psyche – her new owl – and wondered whether she should try to write another letter to him. It did feel rather useless, considering that all of her previous letters had failed to gain any response from him, but she felt just as useless when she didn't even try to contact him.

She had written her first letter to Severus shortly after unpacking at the Dursley residence. The message had been very brief; she had only requested to meet him to discuss something urgent without giving away any details about her situation. She had eagerly anticipated a response, only to be sorely disappointed when Psyche had returned the letter to her unopened.

Thinking that Severus might have not replied because he was still angry with her, she wrote him another letter, this time beginning it with a complete and heartfelt apology and ending it with a plea to see him, stressing the importance of the matter she wished to talk about. That letter – and the three or four letters she persistently wrote and sent after it – also failed to receive a reply.

Lily was left with a handful of unpleasant yet likely explanations to choose from: either Severus really, _really_ didn't want to see her (which was probable), or that he had made himself unplottable (also probable, considering that at least James had attempted to kill him not many moons ago) – or that his earthly remains were lying on the bottom of a ditch somewhere in the Scottish wilderness (which was terrible – but unfortunately also probable).

She still didn't know what had happened to him after James's thirst for blood cost him his job near the end of February. She had cautiously asked around about his sudden resignation, not wanting to draw too much attention to either him or herself, but her inquiries had been ineffectual. Nobody at Hogwarts seemed to know or care where he had gone to after quitting. She imagined that Dumbledore might have had a clue, but she was not going to ask _him_.

Next, Lily had decided to visit Spinner's End to have a little chat with Tobias Snape. This had happened in early September, when she had already given birth to Harry and lost quite a lot of her pregnancy weight – enough not to raise any suspicions, as long as she covered her body in thick layers of clothes. She hadn't been able to go any sooner, for her pregnancy had become very evident around March, and she had refused to run the risk of bumping into Severus while she was still very obviously carrying a baby. Either way, visiting him earlier that year wouldn't have been any less useless, for Tobias Snape hadn't seen his son in years.

Mr. Snape – who looked very much like his son, save for the bushy moustache – had let her in begrudgingly after she had introduced herself and politely asked whether she could ask him some questions about Severus. They had spent a good half an hour talking about Severus, which had been comforting yet uninformative, for he hadn't been able to tell her anything she hadn't already known. As much as Lily could gather from the little he had said, Severus had walked out of his life after a particularly stormy fight two and a half years ago, and he hadn't even heard of him since.

She had left him her number – she'd bought herself a phone just for her weekly chats with Petunia – and kindly asked him to contact her if Severus happened to show up.

"If you do find him," Mr. Snape had grumbled, "Tell him to drop by for a cup of tea, will you?"

Reading between the lines, Lily understood that he desperately missed his son.

After that day, she was officially running out of ideas. She was determined to find Severus, but knew nothing about finding missing people. She tried to locate him using different tracking spells, but none of the proved to be useful. She visited potion breweries, herbariums, apothecaries – places he might have been working at – but to no avail. She had contacted several important Potion Masters under a fake name to ask whether they had heard of a young talent by the name of Severus Snape, but his fame in the industry didn't seem to extend beyond his short stint as the youngest Potions Master Hogwarts had ever had. Wherever Severus was, he was clearly maintaining a very low profile.

If he was still alive.

Every day, the idea that something terrible had happened to Severus seemed more and more likely. She had to consider the miserable possibility that he was lying in an unmarked grave, brutally murdered by any of the people who wanted him death. It was possible that he had fallen in the battlefield, and that his death had simply gone unannounced. Maybe James had found him first, and finished what he had started in the Three Broomsticks. He could have been killed by a fellow Death Eater or Voldemort himself for any reason. Or perhaps he had been captured, and was currently being held and tortured for information in some secret Auror base. Anything was possible.

This was sometimes the reason why she could not sleep at night. It was not easy to calm down when nightmarish thoughts of all the unthinkable things that might have happened to Severus were troubling her mind. She was trying to do something to find him every day, but it was just so difficult when she didn't even know where to look. The only sure way to contact him was to appear at the site of a Death Eater attack and call his name, but not even she was brash and stupid enough to call that a decent plan. Having both of them killed in a battle was not her idea of the perfect reunion.

She yawned, and gazed longingly at her mattress-for-a-bed, wondering whether she should go to sleep early, or finish the book she was reading before bed. She was bloody exhausted, and yet she felt strangely guilty about the mere thought of sleeping. Her conscience gave her a mental slap on the wrist each time she did something that didn't involve fighting Voldemort, protecting the would-be casualties of the war, or trying to find Severus – even if that something was simply taking care of her basic human needs. Being a part-time Order of the Phoenix advisor while also trying to discover a way to defeat Voldemort and _while _obsessively hunting down Severus was really taking its toll on her now that she was also trying hold down a respectable day job. She had a feeling she wasn't going to last at _Witch Weekly_ very long if she continued to turn up at the office so tired she could barely stand straight, let alone work.

She eventually decided to ignore her guilt for once and get some rest for a change. To ensure that she would actually sleep this time around, she decided to drop by Diagon Alley to get herself some sleeping potion. Sadly, her tiny and badly ventilated home was no place for brewing home-made potions.

Less than an hour later, she found herself in the isles of _Stirwell & Son_. For such a small place, they had an excellent selection of all kinds of potions, with several different options in the sleeping potion section alone. She stood in front of the display case for a moment weighing her options, when all of a sudden something right in front of her caught her eye and gave her such a start that she almost dropped the two bottles she was holding.

There, right at the level of her eyes, sat a single vial of potion with a simple, hand-written label on it. It wasn't the Dreamshade potion itself that gripped her attention like punch in the gut, but the writing on the label.

_That handwriting_. To her, it was as recognizable as the sound of his voice.

With a trembling hand, she picked up the potion and did all she could to prevent herself from shrieking out loud like an excited schoolgirl. She'd read enough of his letters to tell that the neat yet curvy lettering on the bottle was identical to his. This potion was definitely the clue she had been waiting for. Now all she had to find out was where it had come from.

She took a few minutes to catch her breath, and to compose a hasty plan to squeeze some information out of the man behind the counter without revealing too much about her true intentions, and then slowly walked up to the cashier – a fat, middle-aged man who looked bored out of his mind.

"Can I help you?" he said in a voice that suggested anything but a genuinely helpful attitude.

"Yes," she said, commanding some cool anger to her shaky voice, "I would like to receive a refund for the low-quality potion I purchased here earlier this month."

He gave her a tired, contemptuous glare.

"What potion may that be, Miss?" he asked, feigning politeness just to emphasize how little her complaint actually meant to him.

"This one here," she said, placing the potion on the counter, "I brought a bottle of this brand of Dreamshade potion, and it gave me a terrible headache. It worked fine at first, but then it turned me into a raging insomniac."

"A raging insomniac?" he deadpanned.

"Yes. Everyone knows that a handful of crushed lavenders and dried nettle should be added to the brew before adding the other ingredients. The twerp who made this clearly did not know this, and now I'm paying for their incompetence. I demand a full refund and a personal apology from whoever made this useless waste of liquid."

"Very well, Miss. Have you kept the receipt?"

"No. I was foolish enough to trust in the consistent quality of your products."

"Then I'm afraid there's nothing I can do," he said gleefully.

"Yes there is. The least you can do is to allow me to speak to your so-called Potions Master," she insisted, secretly crossing her fingers behind her back.

The cashier sighed, and took the bottle into his plump hand. After studying the label for a few nominal seconds, he placed it nonchalantly back to the counter and gave her another one of his bugger-off smiles.

"This isn't from out own brewery," he said, "It's from one of our independent providers."

"Fine. Then give me the name of the provider, and I shall sort this out with him."

This was the moment of truth. The man had to make a choice. Lily was quite sure that it wasn't the shop's policy to delegate customer complaints straight to their individual providers – but on the other hand, Lily was being deliberately rude that it would be easier for him to get her off her back by blaming someone else.

He stared at her dully for one suspenseful moment and then let out another annoyed sigh, picking up a thick book from underneath the counter. After browsing the book for some lazy minutes, he found what he was looking for, grabbed a piece of parchment, and wrote something down on it.

"Here. Pester this person instead."

Reading between the lines, Lily knew he also told her to fuck off and never come back. And after seeing which name he had scribbled down on the parchment, she was happy to do just that out of sheer gratitude, and to even kiss him on the top of it.

"Thank you," she said, trying to maintain the icy quality of her voice, although she was about to scream out of joy, "I'm glad that someone around here knows how to do his job. Also, I would like to buy this, please."

The man raised his eyebrow, eyeing suspiciously at the very same bottle of Dreamshade potion she had just complained about.

"Women," he grumbled, shaking his head in disgust.

Lily tried to remain calm until she had gotten out of the shop and around the corner, but she couldn't help but jump up and down out of joy once she took another look at the name she had been given, just to make sure that she had not imagined it.

_Mr. Sebastian Scervix, Potions Master._

Now if that wasn't the _nom de guerre_ of someone she knew, she was going to eat her boots for dinner.

That night, she wrote another letter, this time addressing it to Mr. Scervix instead of Mr. Snape.

Since she couldn't be entirely sure that she really was right about Sebastian Scervix being the alias of Severus Snape – although it did seem very likely; Sebastian was Severus's middle name, the handwriting was his, the initials were a dead give away, and having had his name changed would explain why he hadn't received her letters – she chose her words with care.

Many drafts later, she had managed to compose a short letter only Severus could have decoded.

_Dear Mr. S,_

_We need to talk about the Half-Blood Prince._

_Sincerely,_

_L_

To make sure that Severus would know where to find her, she ripped out a page of the latest copy of _Witch Weekly_, in which she was credited as a member of the editorial staff, and folded it neatly inside the envelope. She then gave it to Psyche, and kissed the little owl for good luck before sending her away.

Next morning, she came to work early, feeling much cheerier than usual. She greeted her co-workers in a sing-songy voice, and did everything she could do to prevent herself from literally whistling while she worked.

Around noon, she headed off to lunch, and returned half an hour later still feeling rather marvellous. Psyche was yet to return, but she was still confident that the letter would indeed find its rightful recipient.

Inside the office, her colleague Martina Mayfield – a gossipy reporter of _Witch Weekly_ – was having a lunch break of her owl. She was drinking a cup of tea and wiggling her eyebrows at Lily suggestively while she dusted the snow off her shoulders.

"Had a nice lunch?" Martina asked with a knowing smile.

"What do you mean?"

"I was wondering why you were on such a gleeful mood today, but I guess tall, dark, and mysterious over there explains it. Aren't you going to invite him in? I don't mind."

Puzzled, Lily peered out of the frosty window.

And there, right across the busy street, stood someone who indeed dark, and indeed tall, but not really that mysterious.

"Severus!" she gasped, and her voice came out as a mere whisper.

She couldn't see him well because of the frost on the window, and because of the swarm of people between them, and a heartbeat later she couldn't see him at all. He'd disappeared somewhere in the stream of passers-by.

"_Wait!_" yelled Lily.

She tore the door open and rushed after him. She ran in the middle of the street and made a full circle on her heels, desperately trying to catch a glimpse of raven hair among the sea of strangers. She elbowed her way through the thick crowd until she made her way to the end of the street, but he was nowhere to be seen. She then forced her way to the other end of the street and searched for him, again in vain.

"Sev!" she bellowed, and didn't care who heard her. To hell with being discreet.

She yelled his name into random directions, gaining odd looks from the people around her. She got pushed around in the crowd – once so hard that she would have fell if someone standing behind her hadn't caught her and pushed her up. Having no time to thank, she kept on going forward, desperate to find Severus before it was too late.

Some ten minutes later, she had to face the fact that even if it really had been Severus – and she really couldn't tell; she'd only seen him there for a fraction of a second, and he hadn't even been that close – he was far gone by now.

She returned to the office feeling thoroughly miserable. Martina looked shocked.

"Good God, Lily! What happened?"

"I thought I saw someone I know. I was wrong," Lily replied in perfect honesty, resuming the article she was working on.

"I'm sorry," said Martina, "I saw you coming down the street, and it looked like that man was following you. Somehow, I got the crazy impression that you two had been off to lunch together in secret. I mean, you've been acting like a woman in love this whole morning, and I guess I just got carried away..."

"Unfortunately, my love life is not that exciting right now."

Within the next few hours, Lily had gotten herself fully convinced that the man across the street hadn't really been Severus. It wasn't the first time she had mistaken someone else for him. She was so keen to find him that she looked twice practically at every single tall and thin man dressed in black she saw in the street. Maybe the anticipation of a reply to her letter had made her see things that weren't really there.

It wasn't until later that day on her way home when she felt something strange inside the pocket of her coat. She pulled out folded piece of paper she knew she hadn't put there herself. The handwriting was all too familiar, and the content of the short letter somehow managed to fill her with both hope and despair. What a difference one simple sentence could make.

_Stop trying to find me._

_S_


	38. Inconveniencies

Sometimes when Lily thought about Severus, her heart swelled with such longing that she felt like she was about to wither away like a flower in the desert. Sometimes, thinking about the good times they had shared filled her with the strength she needed to get through another day of war and loneliness.

This time, however, she felt like punching him in the face.

All these months, she had been sick with worry because she had not known whether he was still alive or not. Now that she had finally gotten in touch with him, her plan to reunite with him had been trumped by none other than Severus himself.

It was entirely possible – even likely – that he had known about her mission to find him from the start, and that he had purposefully avoided and mislead her every step of the way. To think that the biggest obstacle standing between her and her plan to save Severus had been Severus himself.

_Wanker._

Naturally, all traces of Sebastian Scervix had disappeared from the books of _Stirwell & Son_ by the time she returned to the shop and its unfriendly owner. Her owl Psyche could not reach Severus anymore – not even when she addressed her hate mail to Mr. Scervix. Severus had clearly done exquisitely thorough job with cleaning his tracks. His actions sung harmonies with his words; he had no intention of letting her come near him again.

Naturally, Lily was having none of it.

She couldn't really understand what purpose the letter was supposed to serve. He couldn't have _possibly_ believed that simply telling her to stop looking for him would actually make her do so. He knew who he was dealing with, right? One did not tell a person as stubborn and easily provoked as Lily Evans to do something and expect her not to do the exact opposite.

He knew that she was coming after him anyways, right?

Honestly, now. Sometimes, Severus was just plain stupid.

* * *

A few weeks drifted by.

The little spark of hope within Lily's heart began to glow dimmer and dimmer with each an every day that sailed by bringing her no news of Severus.

Once again, she found herself chasing ghosts and running into dead ends, the only difference being that knowing that Severus was alive and shunning her on purpose made her more irritated than scared. It was starting to become evident that she was not going to find Severus until he wanted to be found.

Not that she was going to stop looking.

In the meanwhile, Lily continued her life according to her plans. She kept on warning would-be victims of the Death Eaters of looming dangers – though at this point she strongly suspected that her "predictions" no longer matched the future that was now enfolding before her eyes. So much had changed that she doubted that half of the assassinations she set out to prevent were even going to happen in this tangled thread of time. Still, no harm came with telling people to watch their backs.

She also begun meeting up with Alastor Moody twice a week to practice self-defense and dueling. He'd given her her wish and agreed to teach her how to become more of a fighter and less of a walking target by teaching her new curses and counter-curses and by offering her advice only a man with his experience and expertise could have granted.

She had fully expected him to demand answers to his many questions in exchange for his time, but the questions never came. In fact, he rarely spoke anything that wasn't directly related to their sessions, which struck her as incredibly odd. Moody kept on acting as though he wasn't the slightest bit interested in the precognitive skill Lily claimed to possess, which in itself was mighty suspicious. She presumed this was a part of some grander plan to make her eventually reveal all that she knew.

Or perhaps he oddly trusted her, like she oddly trusted him.

Either way, Lily was happy with their arrangement. Moody was an excellent mentor, and she felt like she had already improved vastly as a duelist after a mere month worth of sessions. She was still no match for the better fighters of the Order, but at least she was learning how to hold her own.

Christmas flew by so fast that Lily hardly realized that it had ever been there. She spent Christmas Eve with Petunia's family, and although she enjoyed spending time with her sister and little Dudley, she briefly wondered whether this would be her holiday routine from now on; dinner with the Dursleys, back home to the coldness of her empty apartment. Heaven knew she wasn't going to settle down and start a family of her own until Voldemort was vanquished for good.

Did this mean that she was possibly going to be alone forever?

She also thought a lot about her and Severus. Once she got over her initial reaction to his bluntly short letter (rage, frustration, some smashing of dish ware), she began to ponder why exactly Severus insisted on avoiding her.

She remembered the conversation they had had on the empty playground over a year and a half ago (or over two years ago, depending how she counted it; she had spent many sleepless nights wondering whether she should add the half a year she had spent in the future to her age). The look on Severus's face had been as bleak and miserable as the ugly world around them, and she had no doubts about whether he had meant what he had said.

_If you ever get back home, I advise you to stay as far away from me as you possibly can. In fact, I insist you do._

Was that a retrospective thought, or did the twenty-something Severus feel the same way? Was he avoiding her only because he was trying to protect her?

Or was it just that he was ashamed of himself?

_If you'd seen what I did twenty years ago, you could never look me in the eyes again. _

His words kept echoing inside her head. Severus had been wrong. Having read his journal, she knew perfectly well what he had done, and yet she would have given anything to see his face again. There was nothing he had done that she couldn't have forgiven him; there wasn't a place dark and dirty enough within him that wasn't rendered meaningless by everything that was good and pure about him.

The real question was whether Severus himself could look _her_ in the eyes again. Without many years of guilt and longing softening his damaged heart, could this Severus ever forgive her for turning her back on him?

Maybe he just didn't want her back in his life, simple as that.

Her exhales came out as heavy sighs whenever she thought about this entirely possible explanation. Still, that was hardly the greatest of her concerns – right now, she was mainly interested in making sure that Severus was alive and well, and that neither Voldemort nor James – nor Dumbledore, for that matter – could ever hurt him again.

She just had to find him first.

* * *

Lily gave a sigh, watching her breath appear and disappear in the chilly December air. She had to spend a minute gathering herself outside Elphias Doge's house before ringing the doorbell. Somehow, she was even more nervous this time around than she had been the month before.

Today, she would attend her first Order meeting since her dramatic return to the center of the action. She had deliberately waited a whole month before informing Dumbledore that she was going to graze them with her presence again, just to show him that she was not going to be one of his playthings even if she was willing to work with the Order. _She_ would call the shots from now on.

Giving the impression of confidence and determination would have been much easier if she hadn't felt like she was going to faint with excitement on any given moment. Phase two of her plan to acquire a position of power in the Order was only going to work if most of the members had decided that she really was someone worth listening to, and she was not at all sure whether she had earned their respect. Just because she'd had then convinced that she could see the future it didn't mean that they were all going to look up to her.

She rose a hesitant finger to the doorbell, and stood outside for several tense seconds before being granted an entrance, cursing in her mind when she found herself face to face with none other than James, who glared at her with the coolness of an Arctic breeze. He let her in without greeting her – without even confirming that it was really her, as all Order members were instructed to do, as though to overstate that she truly was like air to him now.

Not that it mattered. In fact, she preferred to be ignored by him. It was easier for both of them.

It still amazed her how quickly their relationship had turned from distant yet affectionate to full on cold war. She certainly hadn't planned to hate him when she had returned to this time. Her feelings for Severus might have grown to eclipse everything she had felt for James, but she had not felt any hate for him. She had been awkward as hell, yes, and irritated, frustrated, and guilty, but she had pitied him too much to hate him. Whenever she had looked at him, she had only seen an overgrown little boy who had been doomed to die for reasons not even Lily herself had fully understood.

After the incidents at the Ministry of Magic, she had only felt more sorry for him. Within the span of one day, James had lost his best friend, his girlfriend, and any chance of even knowing that he was about to become a father – and most of this had been Lily's fault. She had seen all the dark, dirty things he was capable of written on his face at Sirius's funeral, but somehow she'd managed to feel sympathy for him even then. On that moment, she had loathed herself far too much to spare any contempt for him.

She finally met the limits of her compassion when Remus had told her what had happened at the Three Broomsticks.

After many months of trying to track down Severus with absolutely no success, she was not at all happy to hear that James was the one who had driven him away to begin with. Everything about the incident still filled her with rage – how James had attacked Severus for no reason, how Dumbledore had helped to cover his tracks, how Severus had been forced to quit his job because of the scandal, and how this all had made it impossible for Lily to get in touch with Severus again.

It was also upsetting for her to realize how little this all surprised her. _Of course_ James had attacked Severus for no reason. He had _never_ had a reason – just a malicious, insatiable desire to do something horrible to someone less fortunate than him simply because he _could_. This was exactly who James had always been, before and after she had first kissed his lips.

She wasn't quite sure why it had taken her this long to stop making excuses for him. Even after Severus had described her just how awful James could be, she had somehow found it very important to constantly remind him that James wasn't entirely bad. James had _changed_. She had firmly believed that he was not the ignorant bully he had been at fifteen – that despite his obvious flaws, he really _was_ a decent person at heart. That was all that had mattered to her.

In the past few weeks, however, she had finally gotten a grasp of the full scale of his character. This had made her comprehend that she had never really understood who James really was. She had been privileged enough to only know the good James – the charming, funny, delightfully cheeky James, who made her laugh and gave her everything she wanted – and for the longest time she had genuinely thought that this was all there was to him.

Maybe she had only thought so because she had no longer found herself constantly witnessing his acts of pointless cruelty. After ending her friendship with Severus, she had only seen James at his best behaviour. Severus had been her access to James's darker side from the start. With him gone from her life, she rarely got reminded of just how terrible James was at his worst.

Well, she certainly remembered it now. He was practically flaunting his worst side now that she was no longer in his cool book.

She wondered if the only reason she had been making excuses for him was because she had been trying to justify her own attraction for him. The revelation wasn't exactly flattering; she had almost married a man who had taunted and tortured her best friend for his own amusement – who had never thought meaningless violence was below him – whose dark side was much darker and much dirtier than she had ever before been willing to accept.

What side of _her _did that reveal?

The air was tense when she took a seat at the dinner table among the rest of the Order. The friendly chatter around the table ceased, and she was met with solemn, cold stares. Some gazed at her with respect, and others with disdain. Clearly, she was still a controversial figure in this crowd.

She was happy to see that Remus was also present, for she wasn't sure whether she could have made it through the meeting without seeing a friendly face. She feared that most of the Order were still suspicious of her, Remus and the Longbottoms being perhaps the only exceptions.

She had to blink when she first laid her eyes on Remus. He looked very different – in the best possible sense of the word. Although there was still an air of gloom about him – sadness seemed to follow him like a shadow wherever he went – it seemed as though he had really pulled himself together since their last meeting. He had cut his hair and shaved off his stubble, his clothes were neat and tidy, and he sat on his chair with his back straight and his head held high. His eyes were bright and sharp, completely devoid of that dimness she'd caught in his gaze a month ago.

She thought that this actually might have been the first time she saw him not looking like he wanted to deeply apologize the entire universe for inhabiting it.

"Remus, hey," she said tentatively, greeting him with a friendly smile, "How you've been?"

"Fine, thank you," he said politely. She could not recognize any particular emotion in the tone of his voice. He dropped his gaze on the stack of papers he was arranging on the table. The papers were full of ink-stained notes, and when she coyly glanced at the top one, she clearly made out the names _R. Black_, _Malfoy_, _Wilkes_, and _Rosier_. The first name had been circled. "Been busy," he continued, hiding the papers under of the books on the table, "And so have you, I guess."

"Incredibly," she sighed, and almost went on to lament on how rough the past few weeks had been for her. However, she quickly realized that James was within an earshot of them, and she instantly shut her mouth.

"Talk to you later," she muttered, and got the perfect excuse to end the conversation when Dumbledore entered the room.

"Everyone," he said calmly, greeting the whole room with a slight nod before fixing his eyes on Lily, "Good to see you again, Lily. I am thrilled that you have decided to join us this evening."

"Pleasure's all mine," said she, trying to shield her true feelings from his penetrating gaze.

"I'll get back to you once we've dealt with some of the more urgent issues at hand," he continued, "Particularly those related to the successful mission our strike team carried out the other day."

He looked at what Lily could only assume was the aforementioned "strike team", which appeared to include James, the Prewett brothers, and three new members – a middle-aged man with a mighty beard, a tough-looking dark-haired woman, and a vaguely familiar-looking boy who could have been only scarcely of age.

"I believe you have not met Theoron, Clelia, and Barry before," he gestured at the newcomers, and then turned his attention back to Lily, "This is Lily Evans. You all may know her by her famous alias Cassandra Queen."

He gave a quick briefing of Lily's alleged gift of foresight to the newcomers, who all regarded her with awe and respect.

In the meanwhile, Lily fell into her own thoughts as she stared at Dumbledore and contemplated her mixed feelings for the man she had once regarded as a hero.

She wondered whether she was being too hard on him by _fucking hating his guts _with the fiery passion of a betrayed heart. Although she had a proper reason for being angry with him, she wasn't quite sure why it was difficult for her to even imagine forgiving him when forgiving Peter had been so easy.

With Peter, she had been perfectly able to contain her emotions and think logically. As of yet, Peter had done her no harm, so therefore she felt almost no resentment for him as long as she could prevent the crime he was to commit. So why could she deal with Dumbledore as she had dealt with Peter? He, too, was yet to do anything wrong, and she couldn't even know for sure if the decision his portrait had made was truly something the real Dumbledore might resolve to do. After all, the portrait was only an enchanted thing; it did not contain the soul of a human being.

She thought of all this, and yet somehow the very sight of Dumbledore still made her blood boil.

_Maybe this is another thing I should know about myself_, she though. _I'm not as forgiving and gracious as I once imagined I was._

At some point during her musings, Gideon Prewett had started telling the rest of the Order about the battle he and his team had engaged in just before Christmas. He had gained Lily's full attention by the time he had dropped a few names she recognized.

"We followed the first one inside the back room of the store, and found a total of three Death Eaters. We almost got them by a surprise, but there was a third one there who we hadn't noticed earlier. He saw us approaching and alerted the others. There was a quick battle, but we outnumbered them six to three. By the end of it two of them were down and one had escaped. Hippolyta Fellows and Ciarán Troy won't be bothering us anymore."

An image of two members of the Slytherin Quidditch team flashed before Lily's eyes. Hippolyta – or Hippo, as James had always called her (though she bore absolutely no resemblance to a heavy-set water mammal) – was the Seeker. She was a petite, pint-sized girl who always stood out from the rest of the team because of her lack of height. Her red-headed team mate Ciarán was an athletic, good-looking Beater who was very popular among the female population of Hogwarts.

Although Lily didn't know either one of them personally, she had attended enough Quidditch matches to remember their names, faces – and ages. They were both at least two years younger than Lily, so they couldn't have been more than eighteen. Blimey, they were practically children.

"Were they killed?" she found herself asking.

"Of course they were," James replied. This was the first time all evening he was openly paying attention to her. She was slightly startled by his blunt and direct response. It was almost as if he was daring her to be upset.

And that she was. The thought of sitting next to six trained adults who had recently killed two teenagers made her feel dirty all over, even if the two teenagers in question were Death Eaters.

"As I said, there was a battle," said Gideon.

"What about the one who got away?" asked Dorcas Meadowes.

"I was just getting to that. We chased the third Death Eater down eventually and captured him alive."

"Igor Karkaroff," Fabian Prewett chimed in, "Told you lot that he was one of them."

"We interrogated Karkaroff last weekend," Moody said, picking up where Gideon had left off, "He broke down easily, but he didn't have much to give us – just one new name in addition to a few that we already had."

"Which one?"

"Rosier, Evans. No surprise there, but at least now we have it confirmed."

"We might as well add Snape to that list already. Everyone knows that he's one of them," said James. He wasn't looking at Lily, but she could tell that he was bringing Severus's name up just to push her buttons.

"Thank you, James," Dumbledore brushed him off, "Looks like Karkaroff wasn't the most trusted sheep in Voldemort's herd, and I must say that I can understand why. He did not waste a moment before he was ready to sell out in exchange for his freedom. I believe he gave us all he knew before we sent him to Azkaban, and some of it did prove to be quite interesting. Turns out that he had heard about the next initiation ceremony of new Death Eaters. He could tell us where and when it's being held, and that's the reason why you all have been gathered here."

For one fleeting moment, Lily's thoughts flew all the way to Karkaroff's cell in Azkaban. He had no doubt been sentenced for life without a proper trial, as captured Death Eaters usually were.

While she did not feel particularly sorry for Karkaroff himself, she could not help but wonder what she would do if Severus was caught in the same position. If the Aurors were ever to catch him alive, he would most certainly spend the rest of his days in Azkaban. There was no way Lily could ever rescue him then.

"The ceremony will take place on the fourteenth of January at the Camden Catacombs. We are preparing to pay them a little visit, and we could use all the men we have", Dumbledore continued, "According to Karkaroff, Voldemort himself will join the ceremony to welcome his newest followers. In addition to him, there should be at least five Death Eaters present, one per each new member. The experienced Death Eaters will then each take one new member under their wing and mentor them through the first few weeks."

"In other words, we're getting a golden opportunity to face Voldemort himself and actually be prepared for it. If we get him stranded down there with all of our men facing his group of ten Death Eaters, we're looking at the best chance we've ever gotten of taking him down for good."

Moody's words filled the room with a hopeful charge. People were exchanging signifying looks, and soon the fiery look in Moody's eyes had spread like wildfire.

Lily – who had spent months looking for a way to defeat Voldemort totally in vain – was similarly ignited by what she had just heard, but she was quickly brought down by a chilling thought.

What if Severus was going to be there?

"What exactly are we supposed to do with the rest of them?" she asked.

"The rest of them?" Gideon Prewett said, raising his eyebrows.

"The Death Eaters. Half of them are novices, right? It'll be a bloodbath if they get caught in the crossfire."

"That's their problem," said James, "Should've thought of that before signing up."

"We don't know who these people are. Some of them may not have done anything wrong other than choosing to join the Death Eaters. Some of them might even be there because they've been bullied into joining. And some of them could be just children."

She was getting confused and angry looks again. James rolled his eyes. Clearly, sympathy did not come easily from these people when Death Eaters were concerned.

"I'm confused," said Fabian Prewett, "Are you asking us to call off the mission because some innocent Death Eaters might get hurt?"

"No. I am asking you thinking of a way to deal with this situation without needless bloodshed."

"This is a war we're in, Miss Evans," Theoron replied, "Blood gets shed."

"But is this really what the Order wants to be? An execution squad that doesn't mind handing out death sentences to a few vaguely guilty people to get to the main target? That's not the way the Order I joined operates," Lily insisted, "The more I think about this, the more this whole thing sounds like the recipe for a catastrophe. Mark my words – if we do this, there _will _be bodies on both sides, and Voldemort's won't be among them. We know what Voldemort is like. He's a hard man to kill, and he tends to bail out the moment the going gets tough."

"Then what would you rather have us do, I might ask?" asked Theoron.

"Yes, do tell us. What is it that you think we should do instead?" said James mockingly.

Lily took a deep breath. This was exactly what she had come here to say.

"I think the Order should invest its resources into figuring out how Voldemort is protecting himself from bodily harm" she begun, "We all know that he's done something to raise himself above common mortality. If we manage to undo whatever it is that he has done to himself, we're getting closer to the end of this war. Voldemort will be less of a threat to us when he's just like any other man, and I suspect many of his followers wouldn't be looking up to him as a god if he was turned back to the way he was."

She paused, and waited for a response. Remus seemed to be taking her words in with great interest, but the rest of them didn't seem as impressed.

"Cheers, Evans. We never could have realized that should try to get rid of You-Know-Who if it wasn't for you," said James.

"And what do you suggest we do with the attacks, the murders, all the rampage the Death Eaters cause?" Theoron asked, "We cannot just stand by and do research while You-Know-Who's disciples tear this world apart."

"He's right, Evans," said Moody, "The Order was founded to protect the innocent."

"I know, but is this the right way of doing it? Of course we have to stand up against Voldemort, but we shouldn't think of killing the enemy as our standard procedure. Every day our lot seems to become crueler and crueler. Like the attack you were just describing – since when has the Order of the Phoenix started resolving its problems by slaying kids? Hippolyta Fellows and Ciarán Troy were barely out of Hogwarts. Some of you have children older than them. If our side kills people that young just like that, how are we any better than our enemies?"

"It was self-defense, Evans. Don't talk about things you know nothing about," James snarled.

"Self-defense?" said Lily, narrowing her eyes, "There were six of you against two teenagers and a noted bed-wetter! You can't honestly tell me that you couldn't have taken them out without killing them."

"You really think they would have showed any mercy if they had been the ones outnumbering us? You're an idiot, Evans."

"Quiet, both of you!" Moody growled, "Evans, I see what you mean, but I don't think you understand what it's like to be in the middle of a battle. None of us wants any more deaths, but the truth is that we're often forced to make a decision have between two evils. If Lupin's life was on the line, would you not be ready to protect him at any cost, even if it meant being forced to kill somebody?"

Lily said nothing, but she thought about the ones closest to her – Harry, Severus, Petunia, little Dudley – and knew that she could not in all honestly claim that she was not willing to sacrifice all, even her moral integrity, to keep them safe.

Still, she did not feel right when she thought about Fellows and Troy, and she felt even worse when she thought about the upcoming attack.

"I just think the Order should be above this," she grumbled.

"And join you on that high horse of yours? Pass."

"Just because you're honest about being a vengeful nut doesn't make it right. Face it – you're not even trying to end this war. You just want your revenge."

"Yeah, I do care about my friends. You obviously don't. If you really had any interest in helping us win this, you'd be telling us all you know about the future instead of keeping all that information to yourself."

"Oh sure, your murdering ways have really convinced me to trust all the secrets of tomorrow to your responsible care."

"Enough!" Dumbledore shouted, and then entire room fell silent in an instant.

"Lily," he said, and his voice was soft and sweet again, "You have a kind heart, and I understand your concern for the safety of others. For the most part, I even agree with you. However, the stakes have gone high in this particular conflict, and we have regretfully been forced to push our limits further. As Alastor wisely said, sometimes we must choose the lesser bad to go for the greater good."

Lily narrowed her eyes again. That was an argument she had heard too many times.

"As for your suggestion to start looking for the source of Voldemort's supposed immortality, I agree whole-heartedly. In fact, I have been looking into the subject myself, and I am hoping we can put more time and effort into finding out where he gains his strength. If you do have any precognitive information concerning this matter, I am asking you to share it with us."

Lily considered this for a moment. Once again, she found herself being naturally suspicious of Dumbledore, but she quickly realized that she had no reason to not tell him the little she knew about Voldemort's immortality. No matter what she thought of Dumbledore she could not exactly in her right mind suspect him of not wanting to get rid of Voldemort.

"Yes," Lily said, "I might know something. It's not much, but it might help us get on the right track."

"Splendid," said Dumbledore, "I'll get back to you once we're done talking about the initiation ceremony."

"I'm coming with you," she blurted out without thinking.

"Sorry?"

"The initiation ceremony. You said you need everyone. Just saying that I'm in, even if I don't entirely approve of this. Whatever you intend to do... I'm coming with you."

Dumbledore smiled at her, and she smiled back, even though her heart was still heavy with worry. Everything about this plan reeked of danger and bad ideas, but she knew she would have to be there, just in case Severus was indeed going to be there as well.

She had to get to him before the Order did.


	39. Caught In the Crossfire

"I still think that this is a terrible idea."

Lily said it out loud to no-one in particular. James didn't care what she thought, that was for sure. He glanced at her with that overstated indifference she'd become very familiar with over the past few weeks, and then went back to avoiding eye contact altogether.

"Stay here, then. You'd just be in the way, anyway."

"I didn't say I wasn't coming."

Lily clutched her wand more tightly and took in a deep breath. The cold midwinter air left a metallic taste in her mouth, as if she was suddenly tasting her own blood.

She had dived head first into deep trouble enough times to know a bad decision when she was looking straight at one, but she usually did so with some deluded, naïve assumption that she was ultimately doing the right thing. This time, she was very well aware of the fact that she was taking part in what could only lead in a tragedy of undefined scale. She didn't need to know the future to tell that people were going to die tonight. She only hoped that she could do something to keep the damage at minimum.

Right now, more than twenty of the Order of the Phoenix's men were ready to enter the Camden Catacombs from all imaginable entrances. It was twenty minutes to midnight, and somewhere inside Lord Voldemort and roughly five of his men were ready to welcome five new members to the every-growing numbers of the Death Eaters in some eerie, ritualised initiation ceremony. Thanks to the information the Order had managed to squeeze out of the captured Karkaroff – whom Moody and Dumbledore had been able to declare officially dead, just so that Voldemort would not suspect that his plans had been leaked – the Dark Lord and his men were now about to be ambushed by a group of very angry and very vengeful members of the Order, many of who would not settle for anything less than blood.

It was a terrible, terrible idea, and Lily knew it.

She had not felt right about the plan when she had first heard it, and training for the mission with the rest of the Order had only reinforced her opinion. Most of them were still recovered from what had happened in the Ministry, and they wanted revenge. She had seen them practicing the darkest, cruellest curses known to wizardkind, and she knew that they were ready to go even further. She could already imagine what would happen when these people would charge into a room full of equally deranged Death Eaters. It was going to turn into a bloodbath, plain and simple.

She knew very well how they reasoned it. It was fighting fire with fire. Voldemort and his men were not going to play fair, so why should they? The Death Eaters fought to kill, so why grant them the mercy they sure as hell did not feel for their enemies? The Order was only becoming as cruel as the Death Eaters already were – but how was the Order any different from the Death Eaters if they weren't even trying to be better than just psychopaths with a cause?

It was not as if she hadn't tried to stop them. She had talked to Dumbledore, and to Moody, and to the entire Order, and gone on and on about the sheer stupidity of intentionally setting up a mass death, but the group seemed to be unanimously against her on this issue. They were rarely offered such a perfect chance to catch Voldemort by surprise, and they were not going to pass this opportunity. Lily had not been able to turn their heads even by exploiting their belief in her completely made-up gift of foresight. Eventually she had been forced to comply.

After all, she had thought, someone had to be there to keep the situation from spiralling out of control. She had absolutely no idea what she could do to help, but she knew that she could not stay away from this fight, either. This was where she had to be tonight.

"I don't want to hear any more of your nagging when we get in there, Evans," James said dispassionately, "Do what I tell you to do, keep quiet, and for Merlin's sake try not to do anything stupid. I don't want you to get us both killed."

"Right."

As if the mission hadn't worn all the warning signs of a Really Bad Idea already, Moody had made Lily and James partners. The plan was that the Order was going to enter the catacombs two by two from different angles, and Lily was to be paired off with James.

She had questioned Moody's sanity upon hearing about his ludicrous plans, but he had insisted that there was actual logic behind the madness.

"Potter is one of our better fighters," he had said, "You're one of our worst. You're better off with him. I'm just trying to keep you alive, lass. Also -" he had lowered his voice and glanced suspiciously at James, "- Potter could use some adult supervision in the field."

She had frowned. "I'm supposed to baby-sit him?"

"Just make sure that he won't take it too far."

"Ready?" James asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be," Lily sighed.

They entered the maze-like, eerily quiet catacombs a little after Moody, Dorcas Meadowes, and the Prewett brothers had made it in. The plan was to locate and eliminate all lesser threats – the senior Death Eaters who, according to Karkaroff, would be guarding their master – before coming out to face Voldemort with the rest of the Order.

They made their way along the quiet, pitch-black tunnels in silence for what felt like an eon without making a single sighting of a hooded, masked figure.

"I don't think they're here," Lily said eventually, partly because she could not take the pestering silence any longer.

"Maybe somebody warned them," James uttered offhandedly.

Lily bit her teeth.

"Someone like me?"

He turned around and faced her. It was dark, and they weren't using their wands to light their way. She could barely make out his form in the dark, which made him seem all the more imposing.

"Yeah. You."

His accusation hung between them for a moment. She tried to shrug it off with a contemptuous grunt, but suddenly it was very hard for her to hold her own against him. In fact, she was getting rather nervous, as she quickly became aware of the fact that she and James were alone in a dark, secluded place, where no-one would hear her scream.

"Is this really the time or the place for this?" she asked, and her voice wasn't as strong and authoritative as she wished it could have been.

"You really don't even want to help the Order, do you? You're just trying to use us to get whatever it is you want. And now you're mad at me for not eating up any of the shit you're trying to feed me. I don't believe that you have seen the future. I don't know what you've been up to lately, but I don't believe that you were just taking care of your Muggle nephew all those months. Why should I believe you when you say you haven't struck some deal with You-Know-Who and sold us all out?"

A chilling silence landed right between the two again, and for a moment the sound of blood rushing in her temples felt so loud that she half expected to go deaf. For the first time in her life, she was scared of James Potter, who now felt like a complete stranger next to the man she had almost married.

Could he really do it? Did James really have it in him to do something horrible to her? After all, he could blame it on the Death Eaters, and no one would know...

"Look, I don't know what you're -" she began, but couldn't finish her sentence, because suddenly she sensed a quick breeze and a whistling sound right next to her ear, and heard something that sounded awfully like a curse that had missed its mark crashing into the wall behind her.

Her first thought complimented the one she had been entertaining before it; she imagined that James had attacked her, so she pushed him hard with both of her hands and backed away. She heard a thud and a faint "oomph" as James fell on the ground, and she pulled out her wand. However, before she could spit out another word, she felt a strong, rough hand grabbing her by the wrist, and another one clamping her throat. Her wand dropped with a clatter, and she was pitted against the wall.

"L-l-let go of me!" was all she could say, as the hand around her neck tightened. She tried fighting back, but he was strong, and she was growing weaker by the second.

Then, just before she was about to pass out, the heard the roar of a familiar voice, and saw a flash of green light.

"Avada kedavra!"

The hand around her throat loosened its grip, and the man in front of her fell to the ground. She gasped for air and dropped to her knees. A light was lit, and it was only then when she fully understood what had just happened.

She was panting and coughing next to the dead body of a masked Death Eater, who had attacked her while she had been arguing with James. James himself was using his wand as a torch, pointing it first at the dead man, then at Lily. His glasses were gone. Maybe he had dropped them when she had pushed him, when she had...

A strange mix of guilt and gratitude hit her like a bucket of cold water thrown at her face.

Oh, Merlin. James had saved her life.

"James, I'm sorry -"

"You all right?" he cut her off. She nodded rapidly, stroking her sore neck. She felt pitiful, useless, and violated, but most of all horribly embarrassed for having secretly accused him of planning her murder only to be rescued by him moments later. She then looked at the dead Death Eater beside her, and felt another kind of chill going through her body.

You killed him, she thought, but couldn't say the words out loud.

"It was either you or him," James said, as if he had read her mind.

She felt relieved, confused, ashamed, and disgusted by this all at the same time.

He picked up her wand silently, and helped her back up it without making any snide comments about her having to be rescued.

"Thank you," she said, taking back her wand, but James was ignoring her again. He turned his attention to the dead Death Eater, reaching out his hand to take off his mask.

For a moment, yet another horrible thought occurred to her. She took a good look at the tall, lean corpse, and compared it to someone else she knew.

Could it be him?

James removed the mask, and Lily let out the breath she had been holding. The man was sandy-haired, round-faced, and at least ten years older than Severus.

"It's Baltazar Kipps. I always knew he was one of them," James said.

She stared at the dead man. Somehow, she could still imagine Severus's lifeless body in his place.

* * *

They hid the body under an invisibility spell and moved on. Neither of them spoke, but for once the silence wasn't awkward.

A few minutes later, they began to see dim light ahead of them. Soon, they were at the entrance of a larger room that had been lit up with several candles. It looked empty, but the room was full of archways and columns which obscured their view.

"You stay here and watch my back," James whispered, "I'll go and check whether anyone's in there."

Lily nodded, and stayed at the entrance while James entered the room as quietly as a shadow. She watched him go for a while, until she began to hear footsteps coming from behind her. To her horror, she saw a hooded figure approaching her, so she glued her back to the wall next to her and hid behind a column. It was too late to alert James.

To her great relief, the Death Eater passed her by without noticing her, and made his way further down the tunnel past the room James had entered. For a moment, Lily was torn between following James's orders and wandering off on her own, but in the end her natural urge to do stupid and reckless things of unwise nature stole one more from her common sense. She took out her wand and went after the Death Eater.

This one certainly wasn't Severus Snape, that was for sure. Even with his mask and his hooded cloak on, she could tell that this man was war far too short and far too bulky to be him. He also seemed to lack Severus's reflexes and attention to surroundings, for he didn't seem to be aware of Lily's presence until she shouted "Stupefy!" and stunned him.

"That was surprisingly easy," she said to herself, as she grabbed the heavy man by the legs and dragged him in the nearest corner, "If only all Death Eaters were this easy to beat."

She quickly casted an invisibility spell over the unconscious man and dusted off her cloak, ready to return to James. She very nearly shrieked when she turned around, and found herself face to face to yet another Death Eater. This one really had noticed her., for he was pointing his wand straight at her

For a split second, Lily just stared back at him very much like a future roadkill watches a speeding car, but then she raised her own wand, and yelled at him like she had done this a million times before:

"Do as much as blink, and you're dead!"

The man said nothing. He stood still as if he was in the middle of posing for some particularly dramatic portrait, which made her wonder why he wouldn't just attack her like a normal murderous henchman.

"Drop your wand, now!" she shouted.

She didn't expect him to obey, but she hoped James might have heard her yells But oddly enough, the Death Eater really did lower his wand, still staring at her like she was the strangest creature he had ever seen. And then, all of a sudden, he turned his back on her swiftly, and began to walk away without saying a word.

Lily raised her eyebrows, and stared at the man's back. The act itself was downright bizarre, but what really got her was the way he moved – that sharp turn he took on his heels, the way he carried himself...

"Severus!" she cried out.

The man stopped on his tracks, but he wouldn't turn around.

"Sev, I know it's you!" she said, lighting up her wand that they could see each other better. She wanted to run to him, but she feared that she might scare him off.

He stood completely still for one painfully long moment. Then, without turning his back, he took off his hood and his mask, revealing his head of raven-black hair. Her heart almost melted at the sight of it.

"You shouldn't be here," he said quietly.

"I know. Neither should you," she said, enjoying the sound of his velvety voice. She would have recognized it anytime, anywhere.

"I told you not to come looking for me. Why can't you ever take a good advice when you get one?"

"I miss you, Severus."

He turned his face slightly to the right, and Lily could just make out his profile – the sharp curve of his nose, the outlines of his forehead, eyelashes. He sighed and turned around, hanging his head as though he was afraid of looking at her directly.

He looked so young. She had gotten so used to the lines around his eyes that she was almost shocked to see his twenty-year-old face. Still, there was nothing she wanted more now than to kiss every inch of that face, and make sure that nothing ever bad ever happened to it, or to any other part of his body and soul.

He was scowling at her. His eyes were blazing with anger and desperation, but she could also see that old spark passion there. It was always there in his eyes whenever he looked at her. A long time ago, she had just been too blind to recognize it.

"Do you even know what kind of danger you've put yourself into by coming here?" he asked. His voice was quivering with rage, but Lily was currently far too moved and sentimental to respond to it.

"I have a general idea, yes," she replied, "But seeing you again makes it all worth the trouble."

He took a few strides forward, and suddenly he was right in front of her. She could hardly breathe.

"I'm serious," he hissed, grabbing her by the shoulders, "If anyone other than me had found you here, you would be dead already! I want you out of here right now!"

"Sev, Dumbledore's men are here, and there's at least twice as many of them compared to your lot. You're the one who's in danger."

Severus looked startled, but a few blinks later he went back to scowling.

"That's none of your concern," he said, "Forget whatever it is you came here for, and leave this place immediately."

"No. You're my top priority right now. I'm not leaving here without you."

She held his gaze, and tried to express everything she felt for him in that one look. His eyes softened a bit, thought the rest of his face was still tense. He loosened his grip of her shoulders, letting his hands slide down her arms before letting go of her completely.

"My place is here. I can take care of myself, but I can't protect you. Not here. If you have any concern for either of us, just go away. I beg you."

"Sev, you don't want to be here. I know you don't," she took his hands gently into hers, pressing them both against her chest, "You're not one of them, and you never will be. I know your heart. It's too good for this. Let me help you."

Both her words and her gesture seemed to throw him off. His face relaxed, and the anger in his eyes faded away. But soon, far too soon, he gathered himself, and once again there seemed to be an invisible wall between them.

"You couldn't help me, Lily, even if you tried. I have -"

He had to stop, for they could distinctly hear the sound of several pairs of feet running towards them.

"Merlin's bollocks..." he grumbled, pulling Lily close to his chest. She felt the familiar twirling sensation that came with Disapparating, and suddenly found herself somewhere in the streets of London, still clutching Severus by the front of his robes.

"Where are we?" she asked.

"Geographically, the same place where we were just a moment ago, only closer to the sky," Severus replied, "More specifically, this is where I'm dropping you off. If there's any sense left in that head of yours – which I severely doubt – you'll make your first wise decision tonight and go home at this very instant."

"You're not going back there, you tosser!" Lily yelled.

"Thank you. Insulting truly is the best way to persuade me to do something I cannot and will not do."

"I'm willing to resort to all kinds of dirty tricks just to keep you out of that place. Insults, violence, blackmail – you name it! I have spent almost a year trying to track you down, and now that I've finally found you, there's no way I'm going to let you go on to get yourself killed just because you love dramatic exits!"

"You're acting like a little girl! You can't just come around here and expect to -"

"Sev, can you feel that?" Lily said, pointing at the ground, "The ground – it's trembling!"

Had she not known that they were really in London, she would have suspected that they had gotten caught in the middle of an earthquake – which was geologically quite impossible. The ground began to tremble slightly, and the leaves of the trees near them were stirring.

"Something's going on down below," Severus said, staring at the pavement as if though was trying to see through it.

Lily's eyes widened. She thought about Moody, James, and all the others, and hoped that they were alright.

"I have to go back there!" she said.

"No!" Severus said, grabbing her by the shoulder, "Neither of us is going back now."

"Then what do we do?" she asked, gazing at him in distress.

"You do what I've told you to do from the start," he replied, staring firmly into her eyes, "Go straight back home."

"And you?"

"Don't worry about me."

"But that's the thing. I worry about you all the time. I can't rest until I know that you're safe and well."

Severus raised his eyebrows, and slowly removed his hand from her shoulder. For a moment, he adapted the awkward demeanour of his insecure teenage self, but he got quickly back to being the cold-hearted person he apparently pretended to be these days.

"You spend five years pretending that I don't even exist, and now you suddenly want to help me?" he said, and began to walk away from her, "Pardon my scepticism, but unlike the men you seem to fancy, I am not blessed with a sense of self-importance the size of a mountain range. It's very difficult for me to believe that after all these years, you suddenly find me so charming that you're willing to put your precious life at stake for the sake of your childishly naïve quest to rescue me from some mysterious, impending doom."

Lily couldn't say anything in response to that – partly because she couldn't exactly tell him the whole truth about her voyage to the future, and partly because she had missed his wit and heart-warming sarcasm so much that she was just happy to hear him speak.

"So what is it, then?" he asked, turning on his heels to look at her again, "You must have some reason for being so bizarrely keen to see me again. Did Potter perhaps send his girlfriend to lure me out of my hide so that he could have yet another go at trying to murder me? After all, his past attempts have been miserable failures, and it would be very much like him to have someone else do most of the work for him."

For once, Lily managed to control her temper and resist the temptation to join Severus in a battle of wits. Sometimes, it was difficult for her to keep in mind that she and this Severus had not gone through what she had gone through with the other Severus. Of course he didn't believe her. Why would he? The last memory he had of her must have been around the time she had been a snooty, self-assured seventh-year and in a serious relationship with James. It would be very difficult for her to convince Severus that she really did care about him, let alone loved him.

"You're right," she said apologetically, "I turned my back on you when you needed me the most, and that has to be the biggest regret of my life. I am sorry, Sev. I'm more sorry than I can even begin to tell you, and I can only hope that you will one day forgive me. We have a lot of catching up to do, but there is a time and a place for everything. This is definitely not when and where we should be doing this. Right now, we both need to run, but I want you to promise that I'll see you again soon."

Severus looked away from her, and seemed to be weighing his options in his mind.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he said eventually, "- but you've already chosen your side, and I've chosen mine. That's the way it is, and that's how it's always going to be. Nothing has changed."

He turned around and began to walk away from her again.

What she did next was definitely not smart, but Lily Evans was known to become completely immune to common sense on moments of panic. The mere idea of losing him again caused her to do the only thing she could imagine doing on a moment when words were simply not enough.

She ran after him, flung herself on his neck like some romantic heroine in a melodramatic Hollywood movie from the 1940's, and kissed him on the mouth long and hard with the full force of the love and devotion she felt for him.

Severus had clearly not been expecting this. He was so baffled that he hardly even moved his lips during the kiss, but when Lily finally pulled herself away from him, his hands landed almost naturally around her waist. He still looked dumbfounded, but all the darkness had washed away from his face.

"To offer a rebuttal to the latter statement," Lily began after catching her breath, "- that might not be entirely true."

Severus's dark eyes lit up again. Lily smiled at him shyly, and he seemed to be finally getting that her feelings for him weren't the same as they once were.

"If I asked you to come with me tonight, would you?" he asked. His voice was husky, and very sincere. Lily's smile grew wider. Of course she would, of course she would.

But she never got to say it out loud. All of a sudden, Severus pulled his face into a grimace, and his eyes rolled in their sockets before closing altogether. His entire body twisted, and finally he collapsed on the ground.

"Sev!" she shrieked, and took his head on her lap. She put one hand on his neck, and luckily felt a pulse.

Not long after, Alastor Moody and James charged into the scene.

"You got him, Moody!" James yelled triumphantly, "Is that really Snivellus? Looks like my lucky day."

"Shut up, James, and don't you date touch him!" Lily hissed, "And Moody, you ass! What did you do to him?"

"Stunned him," said Moody, kneeling down next to the unconscious Severus.

"Can I finish him?" asked James. Lily immediately pulled out her wand and aimed at him.

"No, Potter. He's more useful to us alive. Lily, put that down," said Moody, "Let's take him to the base."

"No, you can't - Alastor, listen to me, he wasn't..."

Lily's protests were ignored, as James grabbed Severus unnecessarily roughly by the arm, and Disapparated before there was anything Lily could do about it.

"Tell me all about it later, Lily," said Moody. It wasn't until now that Lily realized that he looked exhausted, as though he had aged fifty years in one night. "Go home, lock your door, and stay there until I call for you. Enough lives have been lost tonight."


End file.
